He ripped my shirt off!

[BeachPeace]

I can hardly write this - today Blue attacked me and ripped off my shirt (Land's End Tank - not exactly flimsy) and tore my bra strap. I have just watched him spiral down the last few weeks and I am so overwhelmed. husband is out of state until Friday - My sister is going to make the 6 hour drive in the morning to be with me tomorrow. He is fine now, calm as can be in the bathtub. I am sure I have hurt my neck and will have bruises from his feet on my arm.
He did not like his cartoon choices and just started screaming at me and went into a complete rage.
husband is freaking out, Neurologist said to make an appointment, and I am 5 minutes away from a nervous breakdown.
For the first time since we adopted him over 3 years ago, I am having thoughts that I cannot do this. Which is crazy - I love him with my entire being..........
When do you think about hospitalization for stabilization? - I just can feel the situation getting worse every day.
He also is having more incontinent episodes - this morning it was poop and it was a battle for him to even let me change him. He kept saying "i didn't do it"
I am so tired....

 

[tiredmommy]

Beach- Now is when you consider hospitalization. His violence is over the top and I'm thankful your daughter wasn't his target this time. Does he see a child psychiatrist? Have there been any recent medication changes? Anything else that may have triggered his rage?

 

[klmno]

I agree- until I read his age and diagnosis I was going to say report him to police- this is intolerable and not "even though you're his mom" but "especially because you're his mom". But given his age and diagnosis, this is more of a reason to get major help- quickly. I'm sorry you had to go thru it and I'm glad to hear you're doing your best to handle it in a good way. ((HUGS))

 

[nandz]

First of all, I am glad you are OK and he is OK too. I cannot imagine how scarey that must have been for you and I can't say that I would be as calm as you are being right now. I think I would have been in the psychiatric ward if that happened to me. You need to get help for him NOW! Rages like that are not normal and he could hurt you, your other children, and himself. Call his dr immediately. Please keep us posted!

 

[susiestar]

This is exactly the time he NEEDS hospitalization. There is no way that he can be kept safe and other family members can be kept safe while he is in a private home. He NEEDS to be somewhere where he cannot harm himself or anyone else. It is very fortunate that he did not turn his rage on his sister or even himself. The next time he rages you will need to call 911 and ask for transportation to a psychiatric hospital for a mentally ill child who is violent. I know it is hard. I hate that it is needed for any child at any time. I am also thankful that it is available because it IS needed.

Call your insurance company and ask how they handle this. Even if they don't, you still NEED to have him hospitalized. If he has a psychiatrist or developmental pediatrician you NEED to call them tomorrow morning and let them know how serious this is. Make sure they know that this is not something that can be handled at home. If there is a few days wait for a bed then ask the doctor for a prn medication to give if he starts to get upset. We used risperdal as a prn for my son at one time. When I could see he was starting to get upset or he was doing all he could to pick a fight with anyone then we used the prn as a way to defuse him. It is NOT a "fix" but it can help keep everyone safe until a bed is available. Others have used klonopin, seroquel, even xanax as a prn.

Sending him to the hospital does NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT mean you "failed" him. It means he needs more resources than a home can provide. It is hard, esp on the parents. Often the difficult children thrive in the extreme structure of the psychiatric hospital. They know that they will be stopped if they try to hurt anyone.

This may sound strange, but each time we put my son in the psychiatric hospital he hated it and appreciated it. He was scared of what he might do in a rage. I was terrified he was going to kill or seriously harm one of us and have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. I have a friend who's little bro killed a man the week he got his driver's license. It was NOT his fault - the teen and two friends were all dressed in black and biked across the road less than 10 feet in front of the car. One friend was injured and the man was killed. It haunts him every day even now, 25 years later.

Of course my friend's bro was a easy child. difficult children would be even harder to help with something like that. On his non-rage moments my son could be very caring. He didn't express it well but he feels things very deeply. I could not imagine how he would cope with the inevitable guilt he would feel after he had hurt someone seriously in a rage. As it is I have nerve damage in one hand caused by him during a rage. I do not hold him responsible. I could see that he was totally unable to control himself at the time. It was almost 7 years ago and he still will hold that hand and rub it and give it a kiss to make it better. If he sees any sign that it hurts he then ends up beating himself up emotionally even though he knows I don't blame him.

This guilt is something many of us wonder if our kids can feel. I honestly think most of them do feel it on some level although they may not be able to express it or even admit it to themselves. Some may refuse to face it and act as though they don't feel it, but I think truly not feeling it is quite rare. I have always felt that it was part of my job as a mom to make sure my children grow up with as little of that soul-crushing guilt that comes from truly having hurt a family member as is possible. It is one reason I have stressed safety so much with my husband and kids.

Please try to get hospitalization for your child. It may take a LOT of phone calls. The facility may not be close to your home. We felt we were lucky to have only had to drive 90 minutes or so to the psychiatric hospital. It is frustrating but worth it if it gets help for your child. repeated visits may be needed. It is really hard. Just keep trying.

Above all else, please do not let your son and daughter be alone with each other out of your sight. I know it is hard, but safety comes first. Read up in the archives about safety plans. Work out what should happen when your son rages. Where does your daughter go? What does she do if he is hurting you? If he knocks you out or seriously hurts you? Make sure that she has access to a phone so that she can call 911 if needed. Plan out when she should call and have her do a rehearsal (you pretend to be the 911 operator). If needed, make sure she can go into a room and lock the door to call 911. Keep a cell phone or cordless phone in your pocket at all times so that you can call if needed. Don't be afraid to lock yourself into a room or bathroom to protect yourself. I am sure your family would prefer to have everything you own broken rather than to have you hurt.

If your son ends up hurting your daughter it may be reported to children's services. Having a written safety plan that is posted and rehearsed will go a LONG way toward satisfying children's services that you are doing all the right things.

I am sorry you hurt so much. Hopefully you will be able to find a bed and some intensive help in the very near future. We are always here for you.

 

[Wiped Out]

Oh Sweetie,
Ditto what everyone else has said about hospitalization needing to happen right now. I'm so sorry you are hurting in more ways than one. Gentle hugs to you tonight.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I am so sorry. Take a deep breath.
You can easily see how sick he is, when he does that to you, rages, attacks you, and then sits peacefully in the bathtub.
I agree, hospitalization is the way to go.
He chose his own cartoons on TV, and didn't like them? Sheesh.
He needs new medications, for sure. They can do that in the psychiatric hospital.
Getting him to the psychiatric hospital may not be easy. Maybe you can get your sister or someone to go with you. He's so young, I'd hate to have the police do it. He would freak out and it really isn't fair to him.

Get some sleep, take an hr or two to go to the mall or go for a walk (obviously, hire a sitter!) and send your daughter to a friend's house.

I know the feeling of utter exhaustion--mental, emotional, physical.
I'm so glad you are posting here. This group has saved my sanity on many occasions.

 

[susiestar]

PLEASE be careful to not drive him anywhere by yourself if he is raging. It is very dangerous, esp if he is feeling suicidal and/or homicidal. If you must drive him yourself, please have at least one adult in the car, someone who can keep him from grabbing the steering wheel and/or any of the controls. Many of us have had to do this.

I do recommend starting a Parent report. You can find the outline on the FAQ forum under the thread title Parent Input/Multidisciplinary Evaluations. The Parent Report is a report that you write that tells all about your child. Some moms here worked out the outline some years ago. It is very thorough and organizes the info in a useful way. I also added a photo of my difficult child on the title page and at the beginning of each segment. It helps doctors, teachers, etc to remember exactly which kid is being described in the report.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[busywend]

That is right, the best thing you can do is prevent him from harming his loved ones again. Even if it means hospitalization. Not only is it your job to keep all of you safe, but it is your job to make sure he does not have to live with some awful event brought on by his own hands.

HUGS!

 

[AnnieO]

Hugs - and what everyone else said - PLEASE get him help!!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Beach, hi. I have five adopted kids. It started out at seven, but one of them abused my younger kids sexually...that ended with him and our newest leaving. When anyone adopts a child with fetal alcohol issues, they are signing up for problems/issues related to brain damage and it is "iffy" how much of a difference you can make because this truly is the fault of the birthparent who drank while pregnant. It's not a behavioral problem.

Are you familiar with fetal alcohol effects? It is a very difficult lifelong problem that requires lifelong close management. The kids have no idea how to learn right from wrong...they don't get it or remember it. Even high functioning Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids/adults have serious brain damage and problems. From what I've seen in friends Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) adult kids, many end up young parents who lose parental rights, alcoholics (although they are warned not to drink because of the genetic factor), criminals (because they repeat the same mistakes over and over again and don't "get it") etc.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) are pretty much the same except Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) doesn't include facial feature differences or mental retardation. But the people afflicted with it have the same life problems. I feel this article is pretty much everything I had been told. I took my son to a top specialist in Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) in Chicago so I did learn a lot. I don't have any answers. This is very difficult to live with, and although it looks like a psychiatric problem, it's not. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

 

[TerryJ2]

but it is your job to make sure he does not have to live with some awful event brought on by his own hands.

VERY good point. We could start an entirely new thread on this. I cannot tell you how many times I have read newspaper headlines about brothers and sisters --toddlers--killing one another with-guns, or even pillows and suffocation, who had no idea of what they were really doing.
Tears my heart to pieces.

 

[BeachPeace]

Thank you all so much for your wisdom and encouragement. It has been a blessing to me in a way I never would have imagined. Loads of great advice, I have a similar profile type binder I keep for both kids with labs, etc.

Today has been better - We have a neuro appointment tomorrow (Thank GOD!) and permission to give prn Risperdal. My sister is here with me - she is a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) and a great assistance -she already has picked up that he may have a middle ear infection ..... I can't believe I may have overlooked that as this has happened before (he gets sick and has behavior issues), albeit not to this degree. We shall see.

Midwest Mom - I am a RN among other things and have a good grasp of the medical/pathophysiology of brain disorders. (Now Behavior management is another story, I am learning every day!) Blue's medications are managed by a Neurologist and not a Psychiatrist for the very reasons you mentioned. Blue is not Classis Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) - has no clear physical features of the syndrome, thus why neuropsychologist diagnosis'd him with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) - although he does have some palate/orthodontic issues. Primary bio mom abuse during pregnancy was methamphetamines. Blue is Mentally Retarded, however. I will check out the link you posted.

Thank you so allmuch for your insight - you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the "fault" of the biomom.....It is so hard sometimes to remember that I am not to blame when I don't have the answer.

I am going to go to bed early so I can keep my strength up to be Blue's advocate and help him get through this crisis. I will keep you updated and I so very appreciate the support.