He ruined my day..

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by wakeupcall, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    difficult child ruined my day yesterday, just like I figured he'd do. To be fair, ex and I try to share difficult child on a holiday. So my husband and I decided we'd take difficult child to the movie because he was such an arse last year over turkey and all the trimmings (he didn't like it after all that work and only ate pie). We thought we'd take him to the movie and then he and my ex, his father, could do whatever they wanted meal-wise. We got to the movie and difficult child informed me that he may go to bio family for Christmas. Now, mind you, he's met them ONE time when they showed up in June for graduation! ONCE! They live six hours away. Ex and I adopted difficult child at birth and they haven't seen him since till this past June. After crying for hours over this....I say GO. I will not fund it, I will not condone it (they are trash), but I also will not give him a bunch of gifts for Christmas either. I will return all but one of what I've already bought. He has no job (I don't think he's even looking), sleeps all day and runs the streets all night (he lives with his father). I'm crushed and soooo sick of all of it. I hate drama and his bio is the queen of drama.

    difficult child maintains his bio will buy the airline ticket. Gee, I hope she will give him a car to use while she works. And, oh yeah, maybe he can use her Internet, oh wait, she has no internet because she's too poor. Guess he could walk to McDonald's and use free wifi, because I WILL cut off his internet because I pay for it. Wonder how he will get to her house from the airport two hours away from where she lives??

    Sorry everyone, just needed to vent. Yesterday I was beyond hurt and today I'm angry over it. Thanks for listening. My new husband gets really angry at difficult child for hurting me so badly...and ruining my holiday.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your son is giving you a hard time. Here is something I learned. Take it with a grain of salt, if it doesn't resonate.

    Nobody else on earth can ruin your day but you. We have to allow others to ruin our day for them to do it, both in our attitude toward them and by our doing something we know in our guts will not work. Nobody has the kind of power over us to ruin us. I had to learn this. It shocked me when I first heard it. Now I realize it is true. We always contribute to it when our hoped for good times are ruined.

    I have adopted kids. It is not unusual for them to think about their birthparents and to even seek them out. It is nothing against you. It is them wanting to know their identity. My own rule is NEVER EVER bash the child's, grown or otherwise, birthparent because that is part of who the person is. One of my son's has a birthmother who gave birth to him, left him in the hospital high, and he had cocaine in his system as a baby. He is a great young man now and all he knows about his birthmother is that she was sick and could not take care of him. Her illness was drug addiction, and he was told this and that it is a disease, so he can not use drugs or drink because he could have inherited this illness. He does not do either. I also don't think whether they were poor or not makes them bad. Material things are not what these adopted young adults are thinking about. If they were, they would never think about their identities because mostly they realize if they had not been given up for adoption they would have been poor.

    It is not always easy to say nice things about their biological relatives. But I always do. They have 50% their biological mother and 50% their biological father and they know this.

    If Son wants to have two families and you think one is trashy, I would not say anything or retaliate. This may just be something he needs. It is probably not to hurt you. I also would not withdraw anything because of this interest, Usually these young adults come to a good balance. I don't understand why you'd give up your loving Christmas spirit because your child is curious about his birth family. To me, that is not a good move.

    In your house, like in my house, my adopted kids saw a divorce and it wasn't pretty and then they had to see me remarry, which they didn't like...they had already suffered many losses. From now on, maybe it's best to plan your holiday for you and husband and enjoy yourself! We can not make our kids come home for the holidays. When we adopt our kids we hope from the bottom of our souls to give them the perfect loving family, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. It didn't for me or for you. Our kids know this. Even if it HAD worked out perfectly, that would not stop a person from wondering who gave birth to him and maybe wanting to know her. To me that is normal curiosity.

    I am sorry for your hurting heart. Being an adoptive mom, I do understand, but I also have resolved the issue of my kids wanting to know where they came from. And I learned it is NOT because they felt you or I were lacking in any way. We are human. They are too. If I had been adopted, I admit I would have definitely wanted to know who my birthparents were. Since I don't believe DNA makes a family, that would not take away the love I had for those who wiped my runny nose or helped me with my homework. I don't think Son is doing this to hurt you. If he is a difficult child he may be playing off your attitude...they are good at that, unfortunately. He sees it bothers you so he does it, like most difficult children.

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    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014
  3. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hello wakeupcall.

    I'm so sorry you had such a stressful day yesterday. I think this situation of your adopted son wanting to spend time with his bio family, and you having to deal with this after giving everything to bring him up and give him every oportunity in life, I think many adoptive and step parents have to deal with this. I have a step-daughter, aged ten now, who I took on when she was 1 year old. Her bio-mother is an alcoholic waste of space who has had zero input into her life. She last saw her for one hour's supervised contact when she was 3 years old. Before I married her father I read a lot about what I was taking on, and this issue that you are now dealing with came up again and again. I love my step-daughter as my own, but I do have an awareness that she may grow up and find her bio-mother and want to have a relationship with her and maybe put her on a pedestal above me and I will have to deal with the feelings that will generate for me.

    Do you think that maybe talking about your feelings with some adoptive or step-parent support group might be helpful? Or even reading supportive literature for those in your situation? I don't know what specific support is available where you are. Maybe counselling would help you to work through your feelings and provide some relief for the stress and anger that you are experiencing.

    I think some research shows that, should bio-mothers ever re-appear, that it can be hard for children to resist the pull, no matter how great the relationship is with you. I think you now face a particularly challenging situation as, presumably, the bio-mother is not going to disappear any time soon. The important thing is to protect your heart and your feelings and to try and find a way to accept this, however unjust or difficult you feel it is.

    You have a special relationship with your son, you have been his mother in every way since his birth. Nothing will change that. Your relationship with him is special and unique, you are not and never have been a 'stand-in' for his bio-mother. Maybe he just needs to explore this and discover the truth about his bio-mother for himself. I think it is important for you to not be overly negative about his birth family in conversations with your son. It is only natural that he should want to find out where he came from and want to find out what sort of people they are. Maybe he does not realise how hurtful you are finding this.

    I hope you can both find a way through.
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014