He stole over $1000 dollars from us after we stupidly let him back in!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Night Owl Mama, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. We thought he was doing better. He discharged from treatment for depression, spent some time in the shelter, and after a time we let him stay with us. Things seemed to be going better. Today
    I got a bank statement and he has drained my account. I looked and found the bank card in his wallet. I kicked him out, called the police and filed a report. Going to the bank tomorrow to find out my options then down to the police station to give an official witness statement. ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

    The real heartbreak us we have been struggling so much financially and he knows it. What a blessing that money would have been to us! He has even offered to "help" with groceries this week, using money that he actually stole from me in the first place! I thought he got it from donating plasma. I did not know the account had any money because it is an account only used as a direct deposit for child support for my ex and deposits are random. Last one was 8 months ago. I guess son figured out how to check the balance, then proceeded to take it right out from under my nose. I feel so bretrayed. He has had a lot of troubles but I have never had him steal from us like this. :( He is 20 yrs old and I have 5 other children I am struggling to raise and feed and he is gratifying his selfish desires with money intending for them! For me, this is a deal breaker. I cannot deal with people who steal food out of the mouths of my babies.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry. My guess is he is using drugs, whether or not you caught it. That is usually why they steal. $1000 is ALOT to us so I feel for you. Worse is the betrayal of your child; his lack of thinking about you and his siblings.

    I suggest pressing charges so he learns there is no free ride if he is inclined to do it again. Change your locks and lock your Windows. Get new bank account numbers as he could try it again. Protect your other loved ones from his toxic behavior. You did him a big loving favor to let him come home and he obviously wasn't grateful or is on drugs and can't be trusted.

    He is 20. He may yet grow up, but right now he is a danger to the rest of his family. He knows how to survive in the streets (if he won't get a job). There are shelters, food pantries, welfare and Medicare and help for addiction and cheap county mental health facilities. The homeless community is close and helpful to one another. You have four other kids who need a safe, peaceful sanctuary to live in...and so do you.

    I hope you can stand strong. It sounds as if you have hit your limit and set your boundaries. Be very sure you lock up any valuables or credit cards in a fire box in case one of your other kids feel sorry for him (so common) and let him in when you aren't home.

    Do not talk about it too much with him if he texts you. Less is more. Don't argue with him, just stand firm. He knows what he did was wrong. He may say he's sorry, but don't let him home...it is a ploy to get back in. Stick to your guns. He is a man...Most men his age are finishing college, working full time, or in the military. He is old enough to make his own money, even if his job is only at a restaurant.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. Please take care of yourself. You matter.

    P.S. MANY drug users get money selling plasma. Beware of what he may be doing that you don't know about.
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    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Night Owl Mama, that is heartbreaking. I think what you're doing is the right thing too. I agree with SWOT. Our adult kids must recognize and deal with the consequences of their behavior and their choices. The betrayal you feel is real and it hurts......

    When things calm down a bit, if it feels right, you might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have wonderful courses for parents, it can be a place for YOU to get support, information, guidance, whatever you need. If you're interested, you can find them online and they have chapters in many cities.

    I know how you feel, I've dealt with similar kinds of betrayals.......many of us have......you're not alone.......sending you a hug.....hang in there.
  4. Thanks SWOT. He spent nearly half of it on a game console and video games and accessories that I stupidly believed he won in a contest. He admitted that much. He says he spent the rest on food and clothes, but I think he has some of the cash somewhere. Could be drugs but I see no evidence. His teen brothers think maybe he might have spent it on a prostitute as he has never had a girlfriend and he had condoms in his bag (we searched it before he left).

    I told him that before he left that I love him and always will but he is in his own now. I do not want contact with him at all. I encouraged him to get into therapy and work on his issues so he can have a happy life, but I will not be part of that. He will need to figure things out on his own from now on. The officer who took the report also advised me to secure my accounts, home, etc. He was so kind. I am very pregnant (37 weeks!) and emotions are raw so it was appreciated.
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  5. Yes, therapy/support for me is my next step. I need to process this as it triggers so many issues. My mom was an addict and ended up estranged from the family along with a brother. Both had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). My son was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) during his hospitalization and has addictive behaviors too so it's tough to see, especially when we have tried to do everything in our power to help him since childhood. I need someone to help me process the grief of it all!
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  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have mental illness all through my family too, including my only child.......and, there is grief to process......it can be hard, I've had quite a bit of therapy to deal with it. I think you're wise to seek out therapy/support at this point. My experience has been that expressing the grief opened my heart in ways I never anticipated.......hard at times to go through, but well worth it.

    Do something very kind and nurturing for yourself, especially now.........take very good care of YOU.....
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Night Owl, I am so sorry to read of this betrayal. It draws blood in the most painful way, when we have made ourselves vulnerable again after they have hurt us... and they take it as an opportunity to hurt us again.

    I am glad you are pressing charges. I am glad he is not in your home anymore, and I totally understand severing contact at this time. And at 37 weeks you and new baby don't need this in your lives!

    Wishing you much peace as you work through all this, Owlie.
  8. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Sending prayers and support for you and that baby! The grief is rough, but your other children deserve a Mom who is strong and will defend them.

    So sad, betrayal is a knife to the heart.

    Help for you, it will benefit everyone!! Hugs
  9. 5 hours of sleep didn't quite cut it so I just called and asked for the day off. I was only going to work a half day anyway as I have an OB appointment this afternoon. So I at least took that step to care for me. My boss was super supportive. You don't always want to give information about these things but she knows we have struggles with him and so I just let her know we had a crisis with him and I need to deal with some of it today.

    Also reached out last night to a beloved aunt who became "mom" to me and my siblings after my mothers descent into addiction. It is a shock to her that he would do something like this, but she has been through this too with loved ones and she knows the pain. I am going this weekend with the kiddos to stay with her and other family in a time share condo. It's a family tradition and something to look forward to! Now to see if my brain will quiet down and let me get some extra sleep...:sleep:
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you need help, don't hesitate to get therapy for yourself.
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I am SO sorry to hear of this. Our son he stole from us. We put him out for a year and a half, until apartment he lived in had a fire. But I will never be able to forget the day I found $700 missing that we'd been saving up, a few dollars at a time, for 9 months. I thought my heart would break and that I'd never recover. I don't think anyone can really understand the depth of that violation.

    Please, be kind to yourself. Our son is home now temporarily and things are going relatively well. He's saving up to move into a new apartment. But he was homeless for a time, in a shelter, with family members and friends. We didn't press charges, because I just couldn't face it. It was horrible.
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  12. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Oh, NOM, I'm so sorry. Someone was talking about their kid going to Job Corps the other day and I though of you and wondered how it worked out. I'm sorry to hear this.

    It is horrible to have someone you love and someone for whom you have done so much betray you like this, but it sounds like you were strong and did the right thing.

    Enjoy your trip. You need the relaxation.
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry to hear this. Have to leave work now so just wanted to offer my support and prayers to you.

    I know it hurts. Our son has stolen from us too but not food money. It hurts either way but that hits hard.
  14. Thank you all for your responses. Means a lot after a long day on the phone with banks and going to the police station to come home to love and support.

    Sisters Keeper: He told us he didn't get in to Job Corp and seemed devastated but now I wonder....he may have just told us that to escape having to go. I am discovering more and more what a complex liar he can be. And how determined he seems to be to sabotage himself! I don't know that I will ever understand it.

    Some good news though, the bank can credit the fraudulent charges so we will be able to recover what he took. They said it takes about 10 business days to process.
  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Night Owl, I'm so sorry! I know exactly how you feel. My son stole $3000 from us and went on a nice little shopping spree. My son stole from us many times but that one was the biggest.
    There are many kinds of betrayal but to have your own child steal from you is in a class by itself.
    I think you did the right thing by "liberating" him from your home and also filing a police report. You are sending a clear message to him that you will not tolerate that type of behavior. Of course you are left with the feelings of betrayal while your son is probably thinking "what's the big deal"
    I urge you to be very cautious and keep your windows and doors locked. I hope it doesn't happen but my son would break into our house regularly while hubby and I were at work. I would come home to find my house had been ransacked. I learned quickly not to leave money in the house.
    I'm glad to hear your bank will credit what he took.
    Hang in there!!
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Don't be too hard on yourself for letting him come home in the first place.

    We all do the best we can and try to help and always think maybe this will be it. Usually it never is.

    We learn from our own mistakes as parents and keep hoping that they will change with love but that just doesn't do it unfortunately!
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So glad you will get the money back. You handled everything very well. Have a wonderful weekend with your family.
  18. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    Night Owl, I'm glad to hear that your money will be recovered. I've been to that place and it hurts so much. I hope you have a weekend of peace and happiness with your loved ones.
  19. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    So glad to hear you will get your money back. That's a lot of money, and hopefully that is one load off your shoulders, especially since, I am guessing, that you will be on maternity leave soon.

    I agree with Tanya. Look into changing your locks and keeping them locked.

    Enjoy your weekend. Keep us updated on the baby!
  20. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm really relieved to hear that you will be able to get your money back; though not as relieved as you probably are.