He wants to move out of sober living

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Oct 19, 2014.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    So my son has been living in sober housing since March 2013. He relapsed (was abusing his ADHD medication) in September 2013. He has been sober since then, over a year. He moved to his less restrictive housing in January. He's been working steadily at the grocery store for 7 months. We and SSI pay his rent.

    Now he's campaigning to get a place of his own or with a roommate. He brings this up all the time about how the residents disturb his sleep and he doesn't like living with them, etc. Again and again, I tell him to talk to his caseworker. It's just not sinking in. I talked to his caseworker, and she feels he is not ready to move. He needs more developement of life skills and executive function ie money management, cooking, keeping up with laundry and chores, etc. She says she may call house manager, who difficult child does not like (on his case, everyone hates him, etc.) Caseworker says difficult child tells her he plays basketball regularly with some guy from the house, more involved in AA meetings. When I ask difficult child, it's like "just played basketball once" "did nothing this weekend" etc. Although he has started running and he says he is committed to that.

    Thursday night he called me up (rare for him to call) and was proud of the fact that he took a bus and a train to his appointment in Hyde Park (hour and a half trip) and then took train and was able to find office for his next appointment north side of Loop for his aptitude testing (he gets lost sometimes and can have a hard time with multitasking due to his learning disability). Sounded good on the phone.

    Now today, we pick him up to go out to dinner with his sister. Monosyllabic replies. He's depressed. He has a new roommate who disturbs his sleep.He's sick of the addicts who come in, relapse and cause lots of drama, and are kicked out. No, he can't talk to room mate. No, he can't talk to house manager. No, his floor is the best in the house. Yes, he wants to move. He's had enough of the sober living houses. He expects ME to fix the problem. (His father says he can live there for years as far as he's concerned. difficult child has a chilly relationship with my husband. Husband refused to enable him while he was living with us.)

    Is this manipulation? Do you think I should call house manger to get the story?

    We told him and I also sent text that he needs to develop life skills and devise a plan with case manager to eventually move out. Prefaced it by outlining all the good things he was doing.

    I just need some perspective from you guys. The constant haranguing is really hard to take. This place is nice, clean, one block from the lake and convenient to bus and train.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If the case manager believes he is not ready, then that seems to be the person to listen to about his getting his own place at this time.

    As far as the new roommate, perhaps telling him that one of the steps to getting his own apartment is being able to find solutions to the present issues he is dealing with to prove to you and to his caseworker that he is capable of the life skill of figuring out how to deal with problems. Maybe offer him some guidelines as to how to approach the new roommate or the house manager. Perhaps explaining to him that this is exactly the kind of thing, his unhappiness with the new roommate, that he will encounter pretty regularly in the real world and he has to find ways to work it through or he will be staying in sober living for a long time to come.

    I think calling the case manager and checking in with her is ok. You are part of his support team. It sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. He may or may not be manipulating you, he wants something and he's using what he knows to get what he wants, but he is also having a lot of successes and doing a good job. It makes a certain amount of sense that he is inpatient and wants out, but if he is not ready yet, then your reinforcement of a plan of action seems appropriate and right.
     
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    (Quote) As far as the new roommate, perhaps telling him that one of the steps to getting his own apartment is being able to find solutions to the present issues he is dealing with to prove to you and to his caseworker that he is capable of the life skill of figuring out how to deal with problems. Maybe offer him some guidelines as to how to approach the new roommate or the house manager. Perhaps explaining to him that this is exactly the kind of thing, his unhappiness with the new roommate, that he will encounter pretty regularly in the real world and he has to find ways to work it through or he will be staying in sober living for a long time to come.

    This is excellent, RE. Thank you so much!
    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...move-out-of-sober-living.58909/#ixzz3GhDyDZXe
     
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi daze. First, a focus on the good things in your post and there are many. I'm so glad for you and for him that he is doing so well.

    Right now, my difficult child seems/appears/might be doing better too. I think this is a tricky time for us, when they start to show signs of improvement.

    They still have their old habits and so do we. And both of us can relapse at any time.

    There are so many things I would love to do for difficult child as he seems to be doing some really hard things himself, and doing them consistently (if you can call 10 to 12 weeks or so consistent).

    He's working full time, riding a bike to work in the dark, in the cold, has no place of his own to live in, going to probation once a week, and then another probation every three weeks, paying fines, has no phone....somehow making it without any help from me at all.

    It's so tempting to step in and help. But in my humble opinion, this is the exact time NOT to do that. They must figure life out. They must navigate the ups and downs and other people and hard times and cold mornings and no car and minimum wage because...they missed all of that.

    This is what growing up is all about. (I am talking as much to myself here as to you.).

    I would keep making supportive "noises" to him like you are doing. For YOU, I would distance myself if you can from his calls, texts and get-togethers.

    Let him ride this out and figure it out. I am sure halfway houses at their best aren't a wonderful place to be. But you know, it is what it is.

    And it is what it will be. He's 27 years old. My difficult child is 25 years old. They must walk this road themselves, without us.
     
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  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    (Quote) There are so many things I would love to do for difficult child as he seems to be doing some really hard things himself, and doing them consistently (if you can call 10 to 12 weeks or so consistent).

    He's working full time, riding a bike to work in the dark, in the cold, has no place of his own to live in, going to probation once a week, and then another probation every three weeks, paying fines, has no phone....somehow making it without any help from me at all.

    It's so tempting to step in and help. But in my humble opinion, this is the exact time NOT to do that. They must figure life out. They must navigate the ups and downs and other people and hard times and cold mornings and no car and minimum wage because...they missed all of that.

    This is what growing up is all about. (I am talking as much to myself here as to you.).

    COM, it's so easy to just swoop in and try to solve their problems, but we know that's not the right thing to do. You're right. They have to figure it out themselves.

    And I just may not see him if he is in a bad mood.

    I hope your son and mine can continue on this positive trajectory.


    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...move-out-of-sober-living.58909/#ixzz3Gisu9Nyg
     
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    It's really funny daze that later this morning I got an email from difficult child's dad asking me if I would give difficult child a monthly sum to supplement his income as "it's getting cold outside and he really needs to get a place to live." He went on to say what he and his wife are going to do---pay for his car repairs and make sure he gets into an apartment---and wanted to know if I and difficult child's brother could commit to an ongoing amount of money per month for difficult child. I wrote him back and then called him, but he didn't answer so I left a detailed vm.

    Here is the deal. I had just written the above, and I believe what i wrote.

    I think it is a really bad idea for difficult child to consider renting an apartment he can't afford on his paycheck today. By himself. I am not going to commit to a monthly sum.

    I did say I would help with some one-time contributions to get him over the hump. But, I had already told difficult child that, and so had his dad. difficult child has not taken the steps to show that he has his own skin in the game first.

    I think his dad is well-intentioned but is making a mistake, not just for himself but really a mistake for difficult child, by coming in like the Cavalry at this particular moment in time.

    difficult child is facing a mountain of money-needs. I get that. It is a situation he himself has created. He needs to find the wherewithal to dig himself out, with a little help. Not ongoing help.

    Just three weeks ago, difficult child was able to raise nearly $950 to bail out girlfriend. This is somebody who is homeless---he raised that kind of money. He can do anything he sets his mind to, and that is what being an adult is---rising to the occasion.

    So...anyway...we will see. I can't control difficult child's dad or difficult child of course. People do what they will do. I can only say what I will do, and why.

    I also think it was wrong to bring difficult child's brother into the mix. My other son, difficult child's brother, is not responsible, nor was he ever responsible for difficult child. I called him and told him so.

    Anyway, interesting right when I am stating my thoughts to you, the call from out of the blue comes in, and I have to take my own pulse and see if I actually believe what I wrote. And I do.

    I want the best for difficult child, and I think he definitely is making progress. We don't need to hijack that progress. He is doing exactly what he needs to do, for himself, right now.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    COM, I know where you're coming from. My ex is always handing over thousands of dollars to 36 for things he could affored if he curtailed his love of videogames and game systems. I'm amazed at all the money ex has thrown at him. I don't think it's good because it allows my son to be irresponsible and impulsive rather than learning he has to save if he wants to pay the mortgage or buy groceries. I don't really feel sorry for 36 at all. He makes a good income, but spends it all on useless things. Toys, really.

    But I don't say anything to ex. It is none of my business.

    Now if ex tried to get my daughter to send him money, I'd really not be happy. If ex wants to do it, that's one thing, but to pressure one of his kids into sending money to support a sibling who is not doing well is not acceptable to me. However, it really would be up to the sibling to say yes or no. I know of a 55 year old man who has never held a job for more t han three months at a time (he either quits or is fired and is an alcoholic) an d his sister literally gives him thousands a month. He resents her very much, in spite of her generosity, because in return he has to put up with her lectures, her demeaning comments and other things he prefers not to deal with. He doesn't think it's fair, but...nothing is free. In his case, to receive his monthly "sibling support" he has to listen to his b***chy (in his words) sister berating him. Obviously, since she pays for his rent and groceries and even car insurance, he has done nothing in his entire life to grow up and at his age it is doubtful he ever will. He also has a sugar mommy who helps pay for his things. This man is actually not somebody I know, but I know of him. My sister's friend is going out with him and is his sugar mommy and I have heard about him. Kind of blew my mind that a sister, rich or not, would pay all his bills. I mean, this brother is now a senior citizen!!!! Yikes! She'll be doing it forever and he'll resent her forever, but he'll take the money.

    I don't and never will think supporting our able bodied grown kids is good for them, but we can't stop others from feeling the need.

    When my daughter used drugs and needed extra money, she sold drugs. That's how she'd get her extra money. Maybe that's how your son bailed his girlfriend out of jail. They are amazingly good at getting money when they have to. Maybe he panhandled. My daughter has done that as well. Embarassing since she had a job at Walmart and was living at home, but spent her paychecks on drugs and needed more for more drugs.

    Oh, well. At least your son has a job. I see that as a positive sign. But I'm sure he could rent a room in somebody's home no matter how low his salary is. As long as some income is there, there is someplace you can go to have a roof over your head that is not a shelter.

    Hoping for the best for your son and your response to your ex was in my opinion appropriate and brave.
     
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Your kid is very resourceful, and dad shouldn't squash that. I hope he lets him figure it out himself, but it doesn't sound like that's going to happen.
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You could try encouraging him and see where it goes. "Getting your own place sounds like a wonderful idea! Show me the apartments that you can move into." Then ask him if it's ok if you help him review his budget because you want to be sure this works for him.

    If he wants something more from you than what he is getting now, make him ask for it. If he asks for it talk to him like an adult. It sounds a lot to me as though he is having some fantastic (as in fantasy) thoughts as to how this is going to work.
     
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Daze, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. You and I are just going through some more of the same stuff at the same time.

    There is a blessed kinship in that, to me.

    Warm hugs to you and to me today! This too shall pass.
     
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