He was leaving

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Nov 29, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    husband told me that he had full intentions of leaving after Christmas. He told me that he had talked to three divorce lawyers since vacation. He was over having difficult child living here and was going to leave me over it.

    I don't think he plans to now but still, I don't know how I feel about this. One part of me can't blame him because it really was hades for a little while here. We were confined to our bedroom all the time when she was here because we just didn't want to deal with her.

    But part of me is hurt, angry? I don't know. I can't shake it off. It is bothering me...
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh PG I am sorry you are going through this. Too bad he couldnt tell you that he was feeling this way while it was going on. If he had said something while she was living there how would you have reacted? I hope that the two of you can use this as a way to strengthen your relationship and figure out how you will do things differently in the future.

    I have to say that there was a point when my difficult child was younger and living here that I seriously thought about leaving. My husband was just too easy on him, and let so much go by and I felt it was unhealthy for all of us. I remember once feeling like if he backed down again that I would leave for a while and take my daughter and just let husband handle my difficult child! Now I think at the time I told my husband I was feeling that way and whatever the situation was (I cant remember) he didnt back down that time. All that is to say that I can understand how your husband felt.... but still he should have found a way to talk to you about it while it was happening.

  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Ugh. So sorry.

    Maybe see a therapist, the two of you?
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I would be hurt. I think marriage counseling is a good idea.
  5. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    My husband isn't difficult children father and he doesn't get it. I've decded that he never will because he hasn't lived it. I quit expecting them to have a decent relationship because difficult child is so negative and hurtful. husband only wants to protect me and make difficult child respect me...well, that's never going to happen. I go to great lengths to keep them apart. Not an easy task.

    I'm sorry that now you have to deal with even more hurt. Do you see how strong everyone on this board is? You are, too!
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think men are less adept at dealing with the strong emotional things/events than women are. This is not an excuse but just a frame of reference. When dealing with difficult children people DO just get so tired of all the upheaval in their lives they see no other way but to get themselves out of the situation. I know you are feeling rightfully angry and hurt right now but my suggestion is to start finding pockets of time where the two of you can work on you relationship. You need to get to the root of what your husbands needs are, the things he feels that he has been unable to communicate to you in a proper way. If it is the drama brought on by difficult child, I think you are going to have to really back off of the needs of the difficult child and put the focus back on the rest of the family. difficult children and their drama can suck all the oxygen out of other relationships.
    Perhaps your husband is telling you this now because he recognizes that instead of a divorce he wants to open the door to taking his needs and the family's needs into consideration and break the drama cycle with the difficult child. I kind of doubt if he really was going to follow through with a divorce for any other reason he would have told you about it now that difficult child is out of the house. Maybe this is his maybe "not cool" way of telling you he does not want her coming back period.
    I feel for you that you are having to go through this right now as you are doing the right thing by taking care of your precious grandson, which is exhausting in itself and this is last thing you needed right now in your life.
    Sometimes events in our lives force us to face what we have been unwilling to face in the past.
    I just feel so damn sorry that you are having to deal with this right now!
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG, your family has been through a year of intense emotional change, the damage difficult child's do to a relationship is unfathomable. Plus, as precious as Connor is to all of you, his presence brought a huge change in your relationship too. Now with your daughter in jail, a whole different scenario with Connor has surfaced. This is ENORMOUS change for all of you. Although I think your husband might have brought this to your attention in a different manner, it's out in the open now.

    My go to place is therapy because I believe a neutral trained person can offer points of view we can miss, as well as a new bridge to be able to stand upon. However, with your hurt and angry feelings and your husband's recent thoughts, this is prime time for some serious communication about all the events that have transpired for all of you and what that has done to your relationship. Relationships require care and time, and you've all been dragged around by the choices of your daughter in so many ways for so long.............you're both likely just exhausted and depleted from all the changes.

    I'm sorry PG, you've been through so much for so long. And, so has your husband. Both of you need some real nourishment and nurturing.........I hope you can provide that for each other now........
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  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Hey PG, I am so sorry for all of this. I agree with 2m2r on this. I hate that you're going through it right now.
  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{{hugs}}} dear friend. I don't meant to add to your pain but the fact that he spoke to three divorce lawyers without letting you know (that he was seriously contemplating divorce) concerns me. Things may be calm while difficult child is in jail- but I think you have some more bumpy difficult child times ahead that will impact your marriage and life. So long as Connor is your grandson, difficult child will be a part of your life, even if she is absent.

    I agree that therapy - couples and individual- is in order. I'd also look for a caregiver for the baby so that you and husband can take at least a long weekend away, just the two of you.

    I'm so sorry, I know this hurts and that you already have a lot on your plate. I'm here for you xoxo
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, PG, that must have been really hard to hear. You have been going through so much lately. I think a therapist sounds like a really good idea. I take my husband with me from time to time to see my therapist and sometimes I go alone.

    Having a difficult child takes such an emotional toll on everyone in the family.

  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    PG I really hope you guys can sit down and talk this out. Find out why husband saw lawyers before talking to you. Why did he feel he needed to go that route. I wish you the best.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think the marital counseling, if hub is willing, could be a good move.

    I am so terribly sorry you have gone through so much and are not going through this too. I just loathe it when men run when the going gets tough. Or women. He has a grandson to raise.

  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I'm so sorry. With all you have been through this has to be a blow. But I agree, perhaps his telling you this is his way of opening the door to change? I hate to say it, but you are going to have to just ask him flat out if he is still thinking of leaving. If so, even if not, see if he will go to counseling. One thing I have been told by my own husband, men don't do subtle well. If there was ever a time for straight talk, this is it.

    I can't even imagine how hurt and just kind of blindsided you feel. You are in my thoughts.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, PG. I would be hurt, too, if my husband had consulted an attorney without even telling me he was contemplating divorce.

    Many hugs, and I hope you two are able to work it out.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There were times when difficult child was living here that I told my husband I wanted to leave and take easy child with me that I just couldn't take it anymore andI had to save easy child. I thought husband was too easy on difficult child and didn;t support me enough. We were best friends and never fought until difficult child began causing so many problems. I hated what it was doing to our relationship. Thanks goodness it neve came to that and soon after difficult child left we got back on track. It's true that dealing with difficult child issues can break a family apart.

    I hope you two can get your relationship back on track. You have been through so much to have him walk away now. I would be very upset also, he was in on the plans when he agreed to help raise his grandson, he needs to see this through and support you.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    We did talk. It was nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. He just couldn't take it anymore and looking back at what I put up with from her, I can't say I blame him. It was sheer craziness and I am so embarassed that I put up with so much. Her screaming at me and calling me names again. Sleeping on the couch while she was supposed to be up caring for her son, making a mess around here and doing nothing to contribute, treating everyone like dirt and not looking for a job. I handed her a car, paid her car insurance and ate her koi with a spoon - all for that little boy.

    I can't say he never expressed this before because he did express his unhappiness with her and how we were living for a long time. I just thought he was venting and that we were both putting up with it for Connor's sake. He has no plans to leave now but says if I ever let difficult child move back in he will leave. I told him that will never, ever happen again and I seriously mean that from the bottom of my heart. I have NO desire to ever share a home with her again. She will need to build a life for herself this time. But just as I say about the things she says, he feels the same about what I say - he will believe it when he sees it because I always want to rescue her and I totally understand that.

    But honestly, I cannot explain it, there is still a major void of feelings there for her. I don't feel bad for her, I don't feel pity - I get angry when I think about what she was doing around Connor, but other than that, nothing. My focus is on that little boy. I take my oath very seriously - I will protect him - including from her and her craziness. If she ever wants him back, she will need to do the hard work of going to treatment, getting counseling and then building a life for her to take care of him. If she wants to be a junkie - she can stay FAR away from us and we will bring him up with a normal, happy childhood. She has court this Friday and I am praying they don't just let her out because I am not handing that little boy over to her and I am not sure if that is what she expects. She is not allowed here. If she wants to see him, it will have to be a visit somewhere else and I am even iffy on that - he is doing so well and I am so afraid seeing her for just a short visit would set him back.

    We took him to Snow World last night to see the lights and Santa - we had fun. :) And then we jammed to Christmas music during the drive. He is adjusting happily. He still wakes up in the middle of the night, but it is not screaming and crying like before. The past two nights I have put him to bed and left when he fell asleep - he has woken up at 3:30 both nights, but I go upstairs and he goes back to sleep pretty quickly. Yesterday morning he woke up alone and actually got up and played for a while! I was in the shower and husband was pulling out the Christmas decorations and thought he heard him so he was listening and sure enough - he was up playing by himself just fine until he heard grampa. :) I told husband that says a lot about the job we are doing with him...he is feeling stability and safety...

    And he has started saying mama and dada a lot...I haven't corrected him but not sure how to handle - should we correct him or let it go?
  17. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    I'm sorry you had such a blow after everything you've been through. I am so happy that he has changed his mind about leaving. It's hard when the difficult child is a step kid. As a step mom to our difficult child, I can understand where your hubby was coming from. After everything blew up in our house, I told husband either she goes or I go. But it was certainly not a blindside to him. The arguing and frustration had been going on for a long time and our relationship certainly was coming to it's breaking point. After difficult child was gone, things have certainly calmed down in the relationship department. Don't get me wrong, there are still times I see him wavering when it comes to her, but I have learned to speak up, even if I know it'll get his panties in a bunch.

    Stay strong, and talk, talk, talk.
  18. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Oh! And it's so great that Connor is doing so well! I wouldn't worry so much about what he calls you. Do you and husband refer to each by name or what you would like Connor to call you? When we speak with our gs, we refer to each other by our "grandparent" names.
  19. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I am so relieved to hear that your husband has expressed his "Over it" about difficult child instead of other reasons. He doesn't deserve to live this way, the rest of the family doesn't deserve to either but HELLO neither do you! You did whatever it took to do your "duty" to difficult child as a mother and rightfully you deserve to be DONE!
    Because the situation became so serious that your husband (Dear Husband) was talking to lawyers about his options you are going to have to buck up on your own knowledge and practice of co-dependency. Yes, you have been through hell and so you think when we say we are done - we are done. As time goes by things just start slipping and pretty soon everyone is frustrated again.
    It took my difficult child verbally, mentally and emotionally attacking my husband before I was done with her. It's like I could stand up to her for HIM but not for me. And that is why I stay NC (not saying you should because of Connor) Even though I know what she does is not right the guilt gets to me, so for me, I choose just not to deal with her.
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you talked and things are, if not good, at least settled. I can see his point. I was always the softy with my son. I know my husband still wonders if I'll just give in. I'm making some noises recently about letting him come home...but I know, I do, that it isn't realistic. Jabber knows I'd never do it without our agreeing on it. At least I hope he does...realistically, I think he'll believe it when he sees it.

    Conner sounds so wonderful and like he's adjusting so well! As for names, there's no need to "correct" Conner. Mama and dada the normal noises for him to make..but if you call your husband "grandpa" or "papa" when you talk to him..."Conner, Papa has your ball!" He'll become "Papa". Call yourself whatever you like (I'm fond of Nana)..."Come with Nana and we'll get some juice." Have your husband do the same. The right names will come.