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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 677766" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Thirdeye, welcome to the forum and so sorry for your troubles.</p><p>Detaching does not mean coldly cutting our d cs off. What it means to me is learning to set boundaries and limits with our d cs, so that they take on the responsibility for their own lives and consequences of their choices. It means valuing ourselves enough to draw the line when their behaviors start to be all encompassing for us. it may mean for you to gently explain to your son that you have noticed conversations with him getting darker, you are concerned, "Son, go see a therapist. Get help. I cannot bear to hear this anymore." Then, the next call, keep conversation light. If he continues to lament, nip it.</p><p>Why should he see a therapist? He has mom......</p><p></p><p>You could be frank with him and let him know that you are learning a different way of parenting that gives him more responsibility and helps you to be healthier.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to sound harsh, but most kids will say they only smoke weed. It is usually a different reality, especially if there is a string of down and out stories attached. Our d cs are extremely clever and manipulative and know how to get us into a tizzy and a fog, to keep us enabling.</p><p></p><p>I have heard my fair share of confabulations from my two, that sent my head and heart reeling. I found out much later, the stories were greatly embellished. Our d cs know how to push our buttons and tug at our heartstrings.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile back at the Homefront, poor mom and dad are fretting away at the latest story, and d cs are out whooping it up, partying.</p><p></p><p>The mindset there with detaching is that anything we send should not be easily converted to the means to purchase drugs. No cash, checks, even large gift cards can be sold off.</p><p></p><p>If there is substance abuse, we do not want to be unknowingly funding the habit.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry Thirdeye, it is so hard to go through this. The truth is, we really cannot trust what our kids tell us, we have to see it with our own eyes.</p><p></p><p>As far as setting conditions for assistance your son is 7 hours away from you so how would you even</p><p>be sure he was meeting your terms? 20 is very, very young, but still an adult in the laws eyes. He will do what he wants.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is every bit as much for us, as it is for our adult children. It is for us to open our eyes to what is happening, set boundaries so that we stop going down with the troubles of our d cs. We have no control over what our adult children do, we only have control over our own actions and responses.</p><p></p><p>In the end all, Thirdeye, it is a personal choice how how we each proceed. We are not experts or professionals, just a bunch of warrior moms and dads who have been through the proverbial wringer with our d cs. How do we detach? We love them, but we have come to know them pretty well.</p><p></p><p>It is not easy at first, but gets better with time.</p><p>Keep posting and let us know how you and your son are doing. I hope he gets into therapy and works towards self help.</p><p></p><p></p><p>There is no pain or worry as strong as this.</p><p></p><p>Please take care and do something good for you. You have value, you matter.</p><p>More will come along and share.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 677766, member: 19522"] Hi Thirdeye, welcome to the forum and so sorry for your troubles. Detaching does not mean coldly cutting our d cs off. What it means to me is learning to set boundaries and limits with our d cs, so that they take on the responsibility for their own lives and consequences of their choices. It means valuing ourselves enough to draw the line when their behaviors start to be all encompassing for us. it may mean for you to gently explain to your son that you have noticed conversations with him getting darker, you are concerned, "Son, go see a therapist. Get help. I cannot bear to hear this anymore." Then, the next call, keep conversation light. If he continues to lament, nip it. Why should he see a therapist? He has mom...... You could be frank with him and let him know that you are learning a different way of parenting that gives him more responsibility and helps you to be healthier. I don't mean to sound harsh, but most kids will say they only smoke weed. It is usually a different reality, especially if there is a string of down and out stories attached. Our d cs are extremely clever and manipulative and know how to get us into a tizzy and a fog, to keep us enabling. I have heard my fair share of confabulations from my two, that sent my head and heart reeling. I found out much later, the stories were greatly embellished. Our d cs know how to push our buttons and tug at our heartstrings. Meanwhile back at the Homefront, poor mom and dad are fretting away at the latest story, and d cs are out whooping it up, partying. The mindset there with detaching is that anything we send should not be easily converted to the means to purchase drugs. No cash, checks, even large gift cards can be sold off. If there is substance abuse, we do not want to be unknowingly funding the habit. I am sorry Thirdeye, it is so hard to go through this. The truth is, we really cannot trust what our kids tell us, we have to see it with our own eyes. As far as setting conditions for assistance your son is 7 hours away from you so how would you even be sure he was meeting your terms? 20 is very, very young, but still an adult in the laws eyes. He will do what he wants. Detachment is every bit as much for us, as it is for our adult children. It is for us to open our eyes to what is happening, set boundaries so that we stop going down with the troubles of our d cs. We have no control over what our adult children do, we only have control over our own actions and responses. In the end all, Thirdeye, it is a personal choice how how we each proceed. We are not experts or professionals, just a bunch of warrior moms and dads who have been through the proverbial wringer with our d cs. How do we detach? We love them, but we have come to know them pretty well. It is not easy at first, but gets better with time. Keep posting and let us know how you and your son are doing. I hope he gets into therapy and works towards self help. There is no pain or worry as strong as this. Please take care and do something good for you. You have value, you matter. More will come along and share. You are not alone. (((Hugs))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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