Heard from difficult child today...

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

Well I had that good text convo with my son on Monday and heard nothing from him yesterday. I have been doing ok, stewing a bit, checking the phone log to make sure he is alive etc. but also not plunging into the depths of despair. Went to alanon meeting last night which was good etc.

Today he called me while I was sitting in my bosses office. My boss is great adn totally understanding so I answered his call. He has found some place that will give him some kind of scholoership to some kind of living situation... then he needs to find a job etc. I said great if you can be self supporting. Well then of course he asked me if he could have some moeny for food because he is hungry. I said we are not giving you any money. We are done with being conned. I have heard you can go to burger king and find out when they are getting rid of stuff... I refrained from telling him to go dumpster diving!! I said I love you but I am not giving you money. He hung up on me.

My boss was impressed with how strong I sounded. LOL. It felt awful in one way to refuse to give my child money for food.... but I also know that it was the only thing left I could do. All your support has helped and Mama Raygun, I kept your post from last night in my head.

I know he needs treatment but it is clear he does not want that and is looking at other ways out. Well if he is being resourceful and finds other ways then good for him. I have no faith he can stay sober this way but hey maybe he will surprise me.

I suspect it will be awhile before I hear from him again... and that will be hard.

TL

 

[Kathy813]

Wow, TL, you did great! I agree that Mama Raygun's inside perspective really helps us to see that tough love is the right thing to do.

Keep it up!

by the way, I don't know if we all see the same ads but the one that I see right below your post is for dumpster rentals. What timing.

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

{{{{hugs}}} I haven't heard from my son since Jan 23. It IS HARD. But it's getting a little easier each day. Which really caught me by surprise. I have good days with bad moments sometimes. I try not to drive myself crazy... and I do check his phone records to make sure he is alive.

Last night H and I had a long lovely conversation over a drawn out dinner out. No drama, we talked about lots of things and we actually talked about difficult child in a conversational way. Facts are the facts - if we want him in our life, we have to accept his drug use and we have to let him "live his life" under our roof, on our dime, no questions asked. So there you have it. The choice I want isn't available. While I am still anxious about him, my home (without him in it) is no longer filled with anxiety.

 

[pasajes4]

Tough Love is just that. Tough for everyone. Kudos for taking a stand.

 

[toughlovin]

Well that was fast. He just called again and asked me to text him the number for the treatment place I talked to the other day... so the guy must have called him and maybe being really homeless and without food is making him rethink things. Who knows. We shall see.... makes me real glad I refused to give him money for food though!!!!

TL

 

[toughlovin]

How do like the minute by mintue updates. LOL. difficult child called. The place is going to call him back. So his current plan is to go for a 2 week stay and then to call the hospital up here and see what it will take for him to get into the outpatient program up here that he liked before... but would not take him without him doing some substance abuse tx first. He is hoping to go back to the sober house up here. I asked him what he would do about transportation and he was not sure. I told him I could not drive him (which was the plan way back when but is really hard on me and which I am no longer willing to do). He said he knew that. I asked him how he was going to get up here? He didn't tell me but said he had a way to get here (means the girlfriend I am sure). I said ok, well it sounds like he has a plan.

I actually think the outpatient program up here would be excellent for him and would really help with the personality disorder issues. I think coming back here is frought with problems though... but he really has to figure out how to get better. I didn't make any promises... more asked him how he would do things. If he really does go through treatment and gets set up at the outpatient program and really starts it and gets here then we will consider helping pay rent at the sober house after he does all that. I have no idea what it will take for him to get back into the outpatient program up here... but it is a good one. One of the best I think.

So at least he is thinking about what he is going to do... and making a plan... and in some ways it is a good plan... and in some ways it is tied into the girlfriend and that is very problematic.

The main thing is his plan does involve getting clean... and he knows full well the outpatient program wont take him or keep him if he is using and if they think he has an active substance abuse problem.

I am also glad he called and told me... at some level the fact that he called to tell me all this feels positive. There is some connection still there even if it is tenuous at this point.

On another note I was talking to a friend of mine today who is a child and adolescent therapist. He commented that when someone is using drugs their primary relationship is with the drugs not with you!!! That makes a lot of sense and is so true.... so when our kids are actively using their main relationship is with the drugs... and that is what they care about, not us. However it also means that can change when they are not longer using.

TL

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL, sounds like a baby step in the right direction. That's progress. Funny how you saying no meant he said yes. Hmmmm.

That's a wise therapist. I saw difficult child at lunch. I had minor surgery at 4 (I knew I'd be fine but I made it seem a little worse to difficult child). Never offered to come with me. Never even said to let him know how I was afterwards. I did get a 'hope it goes okay.". I am truly the ONLY relative he has any relationship with....but his true love is the bottle.

Keep us updated.

 

[Kathy813]

TL, I don't think you are going to want to hear this but I think he is just trying everything he can think of to get back to girlfriend. I also don't think that outpatient treatment is going to be enough to deal with his level of drug dependency. We were told that an outpatient treatment should follow rehab and I think it would have to be a very minimum of 30 days but preferably longer. in my humble opinion, a two week stay is not enough for substance abuse treatment.

I'm afraid that he is just saying these things to get back home and then will go right back to his druggie ways. I know that in the past my difficult child would tell us what we wanted to hear and knew just what to say to get us to do what she wanted us to do.

I hope I am wrong and that you are not upset with me.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I agree with Kathy. I don't know how he can go from a two week inpatient stay to coming home to an outpatient program and be anywhere near successful. It's a very weak plan and I think he needs 60-90 days inpatient with extended halfway house after. But you know what TL, this time he should figure it out himself. If he comes back up here it's on his dime and he will have to figure it out, including living arrangements. Make it clear to him that he is not coming home.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Kathy - definitely not upset with you. I agree with you actually. What I am pleased about is he is the one trying to figure it out and that is a good step... at least he is thinking about what he is going to do rather than just giving up completely. And when I say pleased, it is not pleased as in jumping for joy pleased, it is pleased in that it is a postive step but we shall see pleased. If you know what I mean.

The outpatient program he wants to get into is not a substance abuse program really but more for mental health issues including personality disorders which I do think would be beneficial to him.... and which I believe also has a substance abuse component.... originally they would not consider him unless he did 30 days inpatient substance abuse so my hope is that they still wont take him without 30 days in patient or longer. I suspect they wil be on to him pretty quick, especially if they look at his medical file there.

He is definitely not coming home to our house... that we have made very clear and he knows that is an absolute because we will not put his sister through any more of his shenanigans.

I have also decided that if he does come back here (we will not pay for the plane ticket) and he wants us to pay for the sober house we will only do it on the condition that he is the outpatient program, signs all releases, and that we get confirmation he is in the program and staying in the program. If he stops treatment for any reason then we would stop paying rent. They will kick him out in a minute if he is using... and they will figure out that is what is happening. He knows that because it is exactly what happened before.

I agree for the substance abuse he would be best off in a 90 day program with a halfway house afterwards and I also think he is best off not coming back to the girlfriend. I also know though he will be more committed to a program if he figures it out and decides on it himself, rather than us dictating it. It is a fine line for us with him. I also think though that for the mental health/personality issues he needs more mental health treatment than he would get in most substance abuse programs and that is where the difficulty is for me. I think for him to stay clean anywhere he needs some serious help with his mental health issues, most probably a personailty disorder. That is probably best treated at this program he is talking about. If he can even get into it which he might not be able to.

And if he comes back here he runs a huge risk of landing up in jail. He knows that too... and the girlfriend is a part of that... and I have said my piece about that and so am not even going to bring it up with him.

Lets hope the program up here will tell him they wont consdier him without 30 days of treatment!!!

TL

 

[Nancy]

I agree that if he figures it out he will be more invested in it. It will be his plan and he can't blame anyone else for it. It sounds like you have thought it out well. You are right, you can't dictate where he goes, he needs to do that himself.

I really really hope this works.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I am so proud of you!! You did great!!!