heartbreak for me!!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Jul 9, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    We visited with MST today for several hours and things went great! difficult child has been so hyper today but still maintaining until about 5 minutes after MST left then had a fit that I would not give him unearned time on the computer- he is trying to resurrect his dead psp(at least I think that what it is -they change so often ) anyway I had given him time on the computer yesterday and he was looking up how to fix this thing and he got into a scufflle (me trying to turn off the computer and him trying to download info) and I got hit in the arm and elbowed in the eye. I won and got the computer shut down and difficult child got mad and threw his new glasses into the sliding glass door and busted them , then took a pair of siccors and threatened to cut up his retainers at whlich point I told him whatever, slammed the door and walked back in to call the mst to let her know. husband had already been being an a** which only made things worse. MST called to talk to difficult child to calm him down and when i came out of the bathroom he was ALL so Sorrry and I told him that it doesn't fix his glasses and to leave me alone because I still needed to COOL off and he is all whatever!! Then easy child tells us dinner is ready and they all sit down to eat without me. I was trying to play some movies that I rented and am so mad that difficult child and easy child have messed with the tv, dvd player and my computer so much unplugging this and that and hooking up there stuff that I could not watch my movie on anything I own. easy child walks out with an attitude and starts the movie on HER laptop. SO after two hours of watching a movie on a six inch instead of MY 52 inch I get an attitude and easy child takes HER laptop to her room. WE argued for about an hour about a lot of things to hear her tell me NOW that she can't wait to move out and get away from ME. Hello--she has been the spoiled child since the two olders ran off and difficult child was away and I have taken her out alone for special things and treated her to mainicure, pedicure, acrylic nails and time alone for bonding. I am a licenced cosmetologist and for EVERY event I made sure that she was Bell of the Ball. What she said today has hurt me sooooooo deep -She added to that -"I might not ever be coming back home, even for school breaks. " I walked away and said I needed to be alone........ but am I going to be from now on!! I never thought that easy child would hurt me like that!:sad-very:
     
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of all, you can not take anything a teenager says personally. It is just their hormones and mood swings talking. Hasn't she done this before and the next day was your best friend?

    Deep breathes!

    The difficult child scenario is oh so very familiar to me. The arguing and the trying to take things away. Ugh! It is so ugly, isn't it?

    Here is how I stopped those arguments. I detached. I did not speak a word if I had to take something away. If she asked me why I calmly would say 'you already know why'.
    How does your difficult child earn the computer time? Had he earned it the day before?
     
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I'm sorry about the heartbreak.
    I can understand easy child cooking dinner and then feeling like you were angry with her because difficult child got you riled.
    Looking at it from their point of view helps to understand their thinking. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
    The best I can suggest is to turn down the emotion level. Have a plan when difficult child become physically violent.
    Think of how difficult it is for easy child to be in a house with violence. Teens are horrendous anyhow but easy child's with a difficult child in the house. Their lives are never normal. I know my easy child has emotional bruises. It hurts me because I think I was so careful to protect him.

    Anyhow, hugs. I feel your pain.
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry. reread the detachment guidelines and then, in my humble opinion, you need to seek out easy child and apologize. Almost all of us with difficult children in the family have blown it on occasion. Admiting your mistake and asking for easy child's forgiveness will make you feel better and make her feel respected. Hugs.
    DDD
     
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Have you read "The Explosive Child" yet? It might help.

    Thething is, the parenting methods you're trying to use might be the way we were raised (and tere's nothing wrong with us) and might be how you rasied other children who are now perfect model citizens, but for some kids, those methods just make them much worse and never produce anything of value.

    Sometimes you need to change direction. Not because what you are doing is wrong, but because it's a bad fit for that child.

    We often forget to focus on our long-term goal and instead get caught up and sidetracked by the competition that forms between us and the child, to not let the other party win and get away with bad behaviour. The trouble is, when you find yourself in that scenario you have already lost. You need to get away form competiton mode and into support mode. You think, how is tta possiblewhen he is constantly pushing the boundaries? Werll it's possible if you don't set up the boundaries in that way. It's like playing tug of war when there's nobody else on the other end of the rope. The game just doesn't happen.
    And in tis case, it's not about te game, it's about your child learning self-discipline and respect. And he's not learning respect if you're constantly having to impose your will because he won't do as he's told. All he's learning is that to get what you want to happen, you have to impose your will. And when he sees parents working that way, he is learning that imposing your will on others is the acceptable way to negotiate.

    The book helps, it provides better options that are also easier to use. Fewer bruises, all round!

    Marg
     
  6. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    what you are describing is oh, so familiar!
    Choose your battles.
    Remember that easy child has a lot to contend with, sometimes in her eyes, it might seem as though your son gets much more attention that she does - it would be natural for her to feel a little left out, maybe even a little jealous? Then your daughter doesn't seem so easy child anymore?
    Since having little cherub and her siblings around these past few weeks/months, my daughter has displayed a little attitude too..
    I can feel your hurt, sometimes though, it helps if we parents change our attitude towards the situation, and have a new look at the problem.
    Hugs and prayers to you..... you will get through it; I know!
     
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mog,

    when we are dealing with the drama and trama of raising a difficult child, often we can put unrealistic expectations or characteristics on our pcs. Not saying you did that in this case.

    But I suppose her cooking dinner for everyone while hearing your struggles with difficult child, then hearing you complain about the hook ups, and then, by your own words, arguing with her for one hour (which is way, way beyond productive) could really explain why she said some hurtful things. Remember yourself at her age. No matter how wonderful the relationship you have with her, she is ready to spread her wings and probably excited about getting away from the difficult child drama.

    Never underestimate what having a difficult child sibling does to a child. You know she wasn't being ungrateful and hurtful on purpose. I think you both were way over the limit of what you could tolerate after all that drama last night.

    I bet today will be a new day.

    Sharon
     
  8. mog

    mog Member

    Thanks all -today is better with easy child but difficult child took off on his bike this morning and been gone all day. We found out that he is at a church function--a bunch of teens went rock climbing- easy child is disappointed that she did not get to go but knew nothing about it. She is leaving in a minute to go hang out with friends.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Days filled with conflama often have any of us saying things that are hurtful to others.

    I am glad today is better. What will the consequences for taking off with-o letting you know where he is going be? Best to plan those ahead so you can be calm and detached while giving them.

    I think the Love and Logic book for parenting Teens might be very helpful for you. ESp at getting your point across and enforcing consequences with-o causing bruises.
     
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