Heartbroke Mother

[Cindy731]

I have three beautiful children ages 14,5,and 3.My 14 year old is by my first marriage which ended 9 years ago.My current husband when he came along a couple of years later my daughter just loved him and he has always loved her.She used to be in soccer and we went to every game no matter what.She always acted as though she were afraid of her father and she and I were always very close and she would tell me everything that was going on with her even when she would be at her dads.
Fast forward to when she"s 9 and her dad has started to buy her by getting her her own Iphone and taking her on expensive trips and Ipods and telling her her brother and sister are not her brother and sister and scared her by jumping down her thoat over her telling me something he did which made me get on to him and she wont confide in me and she acts now as though he's the greatest and acts as though she doesn't respect me or her step-dad or that she doesn't even like her brother and sister which she used to.
My ex and I have joint custody and I drive 3 days a week 28 miles 3 days a week to take her back and forth
to the bus and this year it will be double that as my other two will start school.I've tried to convince her to go to school where I live but her concern was for her dad .He is not remarried and does not have any other children.I explained to her everything I will have to do to get her to and from school and she didn't care.When she sees me out at stores she barely speeks .It cuts me like a knife the way she is with me.I've always tried keeping her away from the battles I've had with her father,but sadly he has not.Now It looks like he has what he has tried to do all along turn her against me.I don't know what to do to get her to understand that all he has done was not for her best interest or that he cared for her but quite the opposite.I don't want to make things worse.

 

[BusynMember]

I wish I had answers.

Your daughter is now a teenager and maybe dad is more lenient with her? You say he buys her things. That should not count, but with teens it can make them think the parent is "cool." Often teens prefer to live with the more lenient parent. If he is badmouthing you, and she believes it, there is nothing you can do about it except go to court to make sure he drops her off when it is YOUR legal parenting time and show her just how much you do love her. I know a few women who had this situation and made the mistake of giving in, not fighting for their legal rights to see their teens, and now have no real relationship with them. Who ihas residential custody? What is your legal arrangement? Your ex has to follow it or he can be found in contempt.

Other than that, your daughter is your ex's soul focus...it is hard to compete with that, sadly. This is not that uncommon. It is a very sad consequence of divorce at times and all you can do is enforce your legal rights to have your daughter with you when she is supposed to be there. Maybe take her for a walk or out for coffee/cappucino and try to talk to her in a caring way about the two of you, leaving Dad out of it, which will just alienate her. This is about you and her and she loves her father, as she should. But you can maybe try working on the two of you and restoring some of what you had. Counseling between you two may help too.

Don't expect a teen to care about your inconvenience. She's a teen. And when you talk to her don't bring Dad up. If she tries to say, "Honey, this is a talk where you and I can work out our problems. This isn't about Dad at all." Even if it is, it is not a good idea to bad mouth him or to make her feel she is choosing who to stick up for in this discussion. Keep in simple...herself and you and how she feels you two can get closer again. Even though you are dying to tell her that hr father is not acting in her best interests, refrain. That will only make her angry at you. Again, keep it about you two. You may not "win" or get what you want from her, at least not right away, but you can keep trying these mom/daughter talks (excluding badmouthing Dad). Yes, he will still badmouth you, but you won't gain any brownie points with her by doing the same since s he is clearly tight with him right now and, really, he shouldn't be doing it, but you can't control him.

Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with MWM, dont stoop to his level. Never, ever say anything bad about your child's other parent because not only does she love him but she is also half of him so if he is somehow bad, then she must somehow be half bad too.

My oldest son has the biggest loser of a father on the planet. He never paid child support and he walked out of our lives when my son was less than a year old. He saw him once before he was grown and that was because his parents paid for my son to go visit them one time. He never called him, never sent presents or cards. But in my son's mind he thought that there must be some very valid reason his father wasnt around. I never told him different. Now he did have a step father who took good care of him and they love each other dearly but still. Later in life my son did meet up with his father and found out the hard way exactly why I divorced the man. He cannot stand him. I never had to say a word.

Your daughter will figure everything out on her own. If you bite your tongue then eventually she will grow up and she will realize that you didnt put her father down but he did put you down and she wont like that. That will come back to bite him in the butt.