Hello all I am new here.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mookie1975, Jan 2, 2008.

  1. mookie1975

    mookie1975 New Member

    Hello everyone. My name is Amy and I am a recently divorced 32 year old mom of three and I am expecting my fourth. My oldest is 8 and is a boy, I have two girls ages 5 years and 10 months. My son is a wild one and I have days (like today) where all I want to do is cry.
    My ex husband is not supportive and trys his best to undermine every action I take with our children. They come back from his house and are harder to deal with than normal. My 5 year old is starting to pattern herself after her brother.
    My son has been in programs before and has been said to have ADHD, then said that he wasn't. I think he has ODD. He presents fairly much every symptom.
    My new boyfriend is not adjusting to the kids and they hate him. My ex has laid the blame on him for everything and runs him down to the kids. they hated him before even meeting him. I am pregnant by him and have leaned on him for support, but now he says unless I have my house under control he is finished with me and will try to take this baby from me to prevent it from being raised like my son.
    I feel as if I am falling apart. I have no friends to lean on here at home, my family undermines my attempts to make my son mind. I don't spank him, and time outs or removing his things doesn't even phase him.
    Any help would be more appreciated than you know. I don't like sounding whiny, I do apologize for that, I am just losing it in a hurry.
    Thanks for reading this.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    in my opinion it is normal for the kids to hate the man who isn't daddy that mommy is with. Since you're pregnant with his child, somehow you'll have to find a way to deal with him. I would NOT have him live with you or have him disciplining your other children. They have mucho chaos going on and that can only make things tougher for you. This boyfriend sounds like a BIG loser. I'd call his bluff. They rarely give men soul custody of children. I'd lose him...yesterday...as far as anything romantic. JMO
    I have a few questions
    1/Who diagnosed your child? Has he ever had a neuropsychologist evaulation?
    2/Is he or was he on medications and did they help?
    3/Was there an early history of problems with development, such as late speech, pottying, inability to relate to peers? Does he like to cuddle and does he make good eye contact with both family and strangers?
    4/ Are there are mood disorders or substance abuse on either side of the family tree?
    You may want to do a signature like I have below. Welcome to the board!
  3. mookie1975

    mookie1975 New Member

    Hello and thank you. My boyfriend is drunk off his toes right now and thinking I will have a verbal go round by phone with the kids here. NO way is that going to happen. I won't have him living here, I won't even let him visit while they are home. He is schizophrenic and was doing so well, he has pretty much blown it in the course of the past few days though.
    My son was diagnosed at 2 different mental health clinics. They have never tested him at all for anything. What they have said to me is just from talking with me and my son. It is way past frustrating. They had him on stratera one time and it made him flip out. He wanted to kill everything in sight. Then they put him on adderal, and it just made him irritable and seemingly more defiant. I moved out of state and took him to clinic number 2 and they said he was fine, removed him from all medications, pulled him out of Special Education in school, etc. His early developtment was fine. At about age 3, he started getting very defiant. I figured that was normal and he was testing is boundries. It has progressively gotten worse over the years. He is to the point of breaking everything he sees, threatening me and his sisters verbally with physical abuse, and even trys to hit us now. His dad has anxiety disorder and a social disorder. He is a recovering alcohalic. I have never been diagnosed with anything and abuse no substances at all. I feel as if I suffer from depression though and have for a very long time now. My mother is a substance abuser and has anxiety disorders. It is all a chaotic mess to say the very least. Thanks again for the response.


    Amy 32, over indulgent mother, totally stressed out
    Jacob 8, possible ODD? wild and defiant
    Caitlin 5, very sweet most times, shy, starting to mimic her brothers behaivor.
    Sallie 10 months, very sweet, sociable baby
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Hi and welcome.

    If boyfriend is an unstable schizophrenic, I wouldn't worry about him taking the baby. It's very hard, not to mention expensive, to go for sole custody and most that threaten it rarely follow through. It sounds like a manipulation tactic to me, in any event. If he were to talk about my children in that way, he'd have seen the door a long time ago.

    Your son sounds like he has a lot going on. He needs a thorough evaluation, not just diagnosis'ing based on conversations with you and him. How does he do at school, both academically and behaviorally?
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Heather. He has no chance of getting custody with that diagnosis and, if he's drunk around the kids, I'd lose him fast. JMO

    I think your son would benefit from a private evaluation by a neuropsychologist or at least take him to see a Psychiatrist (with the MD). He hasn't really had an evaluation. With his father's alcoholism that's a red flag for certain disorders.

    Maybe you also should have therapy to help yourself--both with how to deal with single motherhood and picking men who you deserve. Sounds like you pick men who don't treat you too well.

    Please take your son for an evaluation and yourself for help, even at a county mental health clinic. Support helps a lot!
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. I'm sure you are looking for support and this is
    a very supportive group. Do you have anyone who is mature and
    experienced in life/family management available to lend you a hand?

    Lots of questions...sorry. Have you or your husband ever been diagnosed with any disorders such as ADHD or ODD or BiPolar (BP)? Often
    times behaviors run in family lines which might indicate how your
    son got to be such a handfull. Are you and the children in the
    same home you were in before the separation? If not, that means
    they suffered a loss of environment which always is difficult for
    children. If so, then they "lost" Daddy (it doesn't matter whether he was terrible or terrific) which is a huge loss and then they had a new opinionated guy move in with an attitude.

    I have been a single Mom with three kids who missed their "Daddy"
    more after he was gone than they ever did when he lived at home.
    You can handle three or four kids with the right supports. The
    "right" support does not mean a man...especially a man who is
    judgemental and threatening. If you believe he is a worthwhile
    person then you can share custody of the baby with him after the
    baby is born. You do NOT need him now. Reach out for parenting
    classes, family therapy groups, or whatever is available in your
    community. Make up YOUR mind that YOU can do it as an adult female without a crutch. If you can not handle all the kids then
    bite you lip and see if your son can temporarily live with his

    Have you ever heard the really old expression "don't jump from the frying pan into the fire"?? Honestly, I think that is what
    you have done. Don't keep things the way they are. Your new
    man is not going to stay with you for the long run, I'd bet money
    on it. Figure out how to say "goodbye" to him and "hello" to any
    professional or helpful group that can support you as you learn to be an independent woman. Sending hugs of support your way.DDD
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    At the risk of offending anyone, I'll be direct with my opinions (it sounds like you're pretty objective and starting to come to some of these conclusions on your own anyway).

    1) Glad you found the site- sounds like you need some cyber friends and there are great people with good advise to offer here.
    2) I agree with the responses above
    3) I think boyfriend is trying to manipulate you and you already have your plate full and he will add to it, not help it, and if he's doing this now, things will probably only get MUCH worse after baby is born
    4) Being the best mother you can be is the best assurance you have that no one- not even bio-dad- will get custody from you
    5) You probably are depressed. Not only that, but usually, (Not always), when people are raised in homes where there is substance/alcohol problems they have problems as adults until they are helped- those problems might be becoming an abuser themselves or they might be seeking out substance abusers as partners or they might be depression, anxiety, you get the idea. It's a pattern that usually needs intervention or some assistance to get stopped or treated
    6) I agree that your son needs evaluation and treatment. I do think, however, that if he has been living with troubled marriage, then divorce/Daddy gone, the boyfriend in picture in his short life, in all fairness, (not saying this is your fault- just the situation), if you concentrate on providing the most stable home/life for your son and forget boyfriend, establish a routine, minimize arguements with anyone- Dad whoever, the behavior might improve some on its own

    Just my opinion- not expert advice
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hiya Mookie, welcome to the site.

    Jumping on board to offer support and hugs. I'd like to echo my fellow warrior moms here, and say that I believe you can do this on your own. More importantly, I think you SHOULD do this on your own. Lose the loser boyfriend. Definitely have your son seen by a neuropsychologist. Sounds like he has been misdiagnosed. A correct diagnosis opens all kinds of doors for support for you and your children.

    You want what is best and safest for all the kids in your house. Get your hands on a copy of "the Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Excellent read and it will help you with the defiance you get from you difficult one.

    Keep coming back here. You found a safe place to land.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome! Just wanted to say I'm glad you found us-this place truly is a soft place to land!
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome, Mookie. Get the book Kitty recommended, it's darn good and could begin to turn things round for you, with both your older kids. It's a discipline method that I personally found was EASIER, it also seems to shortcut to teaching the kids self-determination at a much younger age. You can use it on PCs as well as difficult children. Your DEX will probably not want to use it - that will then become HIS problem.

    If you can't afford to buy a copy, get it out of the library, or Google it and read up on what you can about it. There was some discussion on Early Childhood, it may have been archived by now. But there is plenty of discussion on this book (The Explosive Child) on this site, to give you an idea.

    The techniques described in this book sound like you're spoiling the child, but it's not. It's learning when to give way and when to require compliance. It's learning to recognise meltdown triggers early enough to head problems off as best as you can. In the process, the child is learning that you are there to help, and not hinder.

    ODD - I think it's too readily diagnosed. Too many kids actually have another underlying problem (there are a lot of different problems which if handled wrongly, can resemble ODD). When you treat the underlying problem and also change your discipline methods, you can find the ODD symptoms easing considerably.

    I'm not saying that you are a bad disciplinarian - far from it. Most of us were brought up to be strict, and when dealing with a problem child, we tend to tighten the rules. For most kids, this works. For some kids, it makes them worse. You need to find another way. The book helped us with that. It's helped a lot of other people here. It's not a cure, it's not for everybody, but the odds are, you will find in some way it helps.

    And I'm with everyone else regarding your boyfriend. The last thing you need right now is another unstable influence. You're already having another baby - but the baby can adapt to your own methods. Sounds like boyfriend cannot. I would be keeping boyfriend at arms length ("friends with benefits"?) until HE gets sorted out, develops a better understanding for the support you need and takes a positive role in helping, and doesn't stand on the sidelines criticising.

    Look into your heart - why do you want boyfriend in your life? Analyse it. Then see if there is any other way to fill that need you identify, without having boyfriend living in your home and making your life more difficult.

  11. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Welcome to the site! I'm glad you found your way here.

    You have been given some great places to start. I will echo The Explosive Child is a book you should pick up at the library or your local book store.

    I think your son needs to be evaluation as soon as possible. There's a pretty good chance that his behaviors have escalated because of the divorce. It has obviously not been that long since your youngest in only 10 months. There are probably emotions in him that he is not mature enough to express in words and they come out in negative behaviors. You may want to start by calling your local children's hospital or unniversity medical center for an evaluation and he will propably also need a therapist to talk to.

    I will echo others who have said you need to loose the boyfriend. He's adding "pepper to the pot" and sounds pretty useless anyway.

    Be strong. Glad you found a place of support.

  12. mookie1975

    mookie1975 New Member

    Hello and thank you all. I bought the book Kitty mentioned and hope it offers so me insight.
    First though I would like to say that my boyfriend doesn't live with me at all. He has only been around the kids two times period and those were neither over 10 minutes at a time. He was drunk last night but he was not here at my home. We had a round on the phone, I would have called the police on him if he had shown up here period. I don't think we will make it. I have known him for almost 20 years and somehow thought I could help him to.
    We did move to a different home when the seperation took place. I know they are having a hard time with that.
    My son is doing ok in school, he has a hard time staying organized there but he is very smart and gets good grades when he wants to. His big thing is, he hates for the teacher to tell him he has to do something. He gets stubborn in a hurry.
    Last night he went off because I wouldn't let him watch Super Nanny on TV. Now it isn't that I don't like the show it was just past his bedtime. He broke several glass items and literally ripped down a set of blinds from the window. His bio dad was laughing about that. He threatened to call social services on me for trying to calm my son down. My 5 year old repeated a vulgar phrase from a movie that he let them watch, which I explained was wrong to her and why, I asked him to please not let the kids see stuff like that when he has them. He laughed until he about fell out and said it was just funny and he could picture her saying that :censored2:. I do not know what to do about him no more than I do about the kids. Anyways, thank you all again I am very glad I found this place.

    Amy 32 - over indulgent mom - stressed out
    Jacob 8 - possible ODD? can be very sweet and loving
    Caitlin 5 - very sweet, shy, starting to mimic her brothers behavior.
    Sallie 10 months - very sweet, loving, sociable baby
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You've got it. The very lst tenet is to admit that you have a problem and don't know how to solve it. Once you can accept that
    ...then...you can reach out for the help you need to solve the problem. Way To Go! Now, lol, pull out the telephone book and make
    a BIG list of every place that might help you and your children.
    That way you can explore each and every one. DDD
  14. GOSOX

    GOSOX New Member

    Hello Amy,
    I am fairly new to the board myself.
    I think that you have made a huge first step by asking for help and support here!
    I wanted to ask.... are you and your children in a safe environment?
    I know that you said your boyfriend has some challenging mental health issues.
    Make sure that you and the kiddos are safe.. call your local Police or school if you are need of services regarding shelters...
    School and area agencies can alos give you lists of support groups... area agencies to help you get through this rough time.
    Many are on sliding scales, free or ask for a small donation.
    I am reading the " Explosive Child" myself right now and it is WONDERFUL.
    You can do this!
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    The next time bio dad threatens to call social services, give him the number. They will come in and see what you are trying to do and that he is working against you and might even make him go into parenting classes. See how he likes that.

    My ex is the same way. I no longer tell him anything about my son because even though my son is 16, everything is a result of bad parenting on my part. :rolleyes: