Hello all, sad update....

[bran155]

First let me say that I am so sorry to those of you who have been so supportive and concerened for me and my family, for disappearing for so long. I don't really have a reason other than I couldn't bear to talk about what has been happening. Thank you so very much for all of your thoughts and prayers! I often think of all of you and wonder how everyone is doing. It took quite some time for me to be ready to share what has happened. So here goes.....

I will try to make it as brief as possible. Some of you might remember that my daughter was missing for quite some time and I was recieving horrific messages as to her whereabouts and what was happening with her. Turns out the messages were true. She was raped! She was on the run and finally caught, brought to jail and released with several stipulations, all of which she did not follow. Went on the run again, caught again and again the court released her with the same stipulations to which she ignored yet again. She then went missing for about 4 months! We did not know where she was, she called every couple of days, did not leave a number nor let us know where she was nor what she was doing. Until one day I get a horrific call from her, crying begging for us to get her. It was at that point she admitted to me that she was raped and was PROSTITUTING!!!! The absolute worst phone call of my life. She was calling from Florida on a bus to Atlanta, in pain, could not walk. She did not know what was wrong with her. She was terrified. She once again sucked me into her madness as I was a total wreck! She said that she was having severe pain in her stomach because she could not move her bowels, she had some kind of infection down there and it hurt her tremendously to use the bathroom. She hadn't gone in about 5 days. So, to make a long story short, after several phone calls I was able to get a detective in Atlanta to wait at the bus terminal for her. At that time she had an open warrant so there was cause to take her into custody. He was so wonderful, he happened to be a retired NY cop and was very empathetic. He promised me that he would not leave that bus terminal until he found my daughter. A while later, I got the call from him, he found her, put her in an ambulance and sent her to the hospital. The hospital in Atlanta was wonderful, though an in-patient stay was not technically warranted the doctor told me he would be willing to admit her for the night so that she would have a place to stay until I got there. I rented a car and my sister and I were on our way! We then get a phone call from the doctor about 2 hours later saying that my daughter refused to stay at the hospital and that she changed her mind about coming home. I was so furious as I spent money I did not have to rent the car to drive down there, put my sister out, my husband had to take the day off, my mother had to come up and stay with the other kids, I mean it was pure chaos! All for nothing as she did not want to come home. They gave her pain killers and she was feeling better so she wanted to stay in Atlanta!!! The roller coaster ride begins! So, we turn the car around and come back home. That night she calls again saying the pain killers wore off and she wants to come home. Well, there was no way I was driving down there on the hopes I would find her. If she wanted to come that badly she should have stayed in the hospital until I got there. So, I paid for a bus ticket for her. Praying that she would actually get on the bus. She did.

The next morning my sister and I went down to the city to Port Authority and waited for her. I was so incredibley nervous, had such anxiety, was scared to death to see her, not knowing what she looked like, if she was strung out, beat up, dirty.......etc! The wait felt like days. Finally after 6 hours she comes wobbling off the bus. She looked a hot mess!!! Bright red lipstick, 4 different colors in her hair, pants open, slopply dressed and she could barely walk! I was devastated. I had told her originally when I agreed to get her that she must go straight from the bus terminal to the psychiatric ward! She, of course agreed on the phone but it was a different story when she actually got off the bus! After fighting with her for a while, she finally agreed to sign herself in. (18 now, so she had to do it) The only reason she did was because she was in severe pain. She ultimately spent 5 weeks in the hospital, put on new medications and was medically treated. Turned out she had a staph infection in her vagina, that's why it hurt so badly to use the bathroom. She was discharged and we went straight from the hospital to the police station so she could turn herself in on the warrant. Meantime, she had already admitted to me that she was prostituting!!! I still can't believe that she was doing that!!! She went to jail for a few days. My husband and I worked with the DA to try to get her out as she was stable on her medications at this point and had an out-patient program all set up for her to attend. We really believed she had hit her bottom and wanted to change her life. With much reluctancy the DA let her out with a curfew, mandated medication compliance, mandated treatment as well as probation. She didn't even come home with us from the courthouse, she went hanging out. Did not follow curfew and immediately stopped taking her medications, got kicked out of her program for not showing up and missed her first probation appointment. She did not even sleep home once!!! After about 2 weeks of her doing exactly what she pleased my husband and I gave her the choice to either comply with the house rule as well as the court ordered rules or she could not live in our home. She actually made the choice to leave. Only to end up in the hands of a dirty pimp!!! He actually came here and called me!!! I was floored!!! I just can't believe that she would rather let some dirty pig exploit her than stay home with a family that loves her!!! Just because she doesn't want to follow rules. Meanwhile now she must follow his rules or get beat up!!! It just doesn't make any sense to me. After she left, she called me and I told her that I was so disgusted with the choices she is making that I just cannot bring myself to speak to her. I told her not to call me. If she needs to speak to a family member she is to call her aunt. When the caller ID says "restricted" I don't answer as I know it is her.

I have worked really hard to detach and take care of myself, I don't want to be sucked back into the addiction to trying to save her. I have lost 40 pounds and I feel great. I just can't give anymore to her unless she is willing to give to herself!!! I did start to regress, pulling out my hair, sleeping all day and crying all of the time. I had to fight to pull myself out of the hole I was crawling back into. I am utterly heartbroken. How can this child, who has a family that loves her so, choose that kind of life??? I just can't understand!!! My baby girl is a hooker, with a pimp!!! It feels so surreal!!! I can't even put into words how much pain I live in. In constant fear, profound sadness and utter disbelief!!!! This is as bad as it gets!!! Am I dreaming, this must be a nightmare!!! There will be no happy ending for her or me. How do I live with this? How do I function day to day while my beautiful girl is selling her body on the streets??? I feel like I am watching a movie and that this just cannot be happening!!! I am so, so angry with her. All that we have gone through for her and this is what she is choosing for her life!!!! How dare her do this with her body, the body, the life, I gave her!!!! I am sick to my stomach!!! There are no words to describe what hell this is for me. I am just waiting for that call, the call that says that someone needs to come identify her body!!! I don't sleep and am in constant battle with myself to keep on progressing. I have come so far personally I just don't want to go backwards. I don't want to live in that darkness again. It is a daily struggle to smile, to move forward, to have happy moments, to put my make up on, to stay on my diet, to not sleep my days away!!! And I am so ANGRY at God, the Universe, whoever, why is this happening??? Why couldn't something, anything, small, miniscule, positive come out of all of the hell we have been through. All of the work we put in, the blood sweat and tears all have been for nothing. My worst nightmare has come true!!! I live in Hell. I have been taking muscle relaxers to funtion. I know that is not healthy, not responsible, I am just trying to survive this doom!!!! I am waiting to hear back from a mental health clinic, I am waiting for an intake appointment, I need therapy. I need to know how to live with this!!! It is so hard to want so much more for someone you love so very much than they want for themselves!!! Utter heartbreak!!! Everytime the phone rings my heart sinks. I am afraid of what each minute will bring. It's like living on top of a bomb and just waiting for it blow up under you. It can happen at any given moment. I am so desperate for relief. I just want to know why, why can't our lives get any better??? It just goes from bad to worse!!!

I feel horrible that I am putting all of this on all of you now, after being gone for so long. I just could not share this. I am just now starting to be able to talk about it. No one in my life knows, just my sister and husband, not even my mother. How do you tell people that your daughter is a prostitute by choice??? It's what she wants to do!!! It's is absolute insanity!!!! I hate my life!!!

I hope all is well with all of you. I hope and pray that you all have had positive changes in your lives. Please forgive me for disappearing!

Shawna

 

[susiestar]

Oh, Shawna, I am so sorry that it has come to this!!!

First off - while you are very sweet to think of us and feel bad for "putting" all of this one us, we don't want you to feel bad. We want you to get better!!! Please put the effort into going to meetings (NA or AA and NarcAnon, family anon, or AlAnon) and learning to be the healthy mom your son and husband and sister and other family members need.

I truly hate that she has made these choices. I know you did what you needed to do in order to know you had done whatever you could to help save her from these choices.

Most street life is accompanied by drug use of one kind or several other kinds, it is going to be far harder for her to stop at any point unless she receives drug treatment. She is also mentally ill, but until she is clean and sober she will not be able to comply with much, nor treatment for her mental illness be possible or effective.

Given your reliance on muscle relaxers, be sure to contact a doctor (at least by phone) before you stop taking them. I know some docs call xanax and valium muscle relaxers instead of benzodiazepines. Be SURE you do NOT just stop cold turkey - you will likely need medical supervision to stop. But you can still attend meetings. Look in the phone book for a contact number. Usually it is linked to an answering machine with a list of meeting times and or a contact number to reach a live body. The meetings will help you even if you are still taking the medication.

Please fight for yourself!! Your son and other family members NEED you! You are wise to not answer when it is your difficult child calling. There is nothing you can really do for her. You might suggest to your sister she search online for some programs to help people who want to get out of that life. She can give THOSE numbers to your daughter. Often it is needed to get out of that life.

You have not ever ceased to be in my prayers. Please keep in contact at least periodically so we know you are getting better. Many many hugs,

Susie

 

[SRL]

Oh Shawna, my heart just aches for you! Every one of us here lives with rejection to some degree but this is truly unthinkable. We give birth to them, nurture them, pour ourselves into them... and it must be incredibly painful to see a child make such choices for themself.

I'm glad you have taken steps to get an appointment for yourself. You've done what you can for your daughter. Now you must take care of yourself, for your sake and the rest of your family.

We're here for you. You don't need to go through this alone.

Hugs,
SRL

 

[BusynMember]

"The only guarantees in life are that there are no guarantees."

Someone told me this once, and I learned that it is soooooooo true.

Your daughter's choices are linked to drug addiction. It's an ugly, cruel disease that takes young lives and twists them, making our kids do the unthinkable. She's not choosing to live in the streets over your love; she is an addict, not able to break the cycle yet and not ready to try. You are a great mom. You have done your best and still are. She is a kid who is doing the unthinkable to support her drug habits, whatever they are (and you don't know what they are). This is actually a common way to do it.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please do continue to try to move on because there is nothing you can do for your daughter. You have seen that. One day, she may decide it's worthwhile to go through the pain and torment of getting clean, and, when she does, you will be there (and she knows it). Until then, you have a sweet little boy and a husband who love and need you to be healthy and, as hard as it is, you need to listen to your therapists and go on. It doesn't always seem that way, but we do exist apart from our kids. (((Hugs)))

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Shawna}}} I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish I had a way to make it all better.

 

[Wiped Out]

Shawna,
I'm so sorry. You really have done everything possible for her. I'm so sorry she is making the choices she is. Please take care of you now so that you can be there for your son and husband. Sending the gentles of hugs your way and adding in many prayers.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Shawna,

You are right, your life has been a nightmare. I wish I could give you the secret of waking up and functioning normally. I don't think there is a secret though.

I think you are doing the right thing by seeing a doctor. Hopefully the doctor will be able to give you some suggestions and assistance in how you go on from here.

I don't think there is a normal in your nightmare. I don't think you can ever go on like before. You will find a way, I am confident, to live your life, to raise your son and have a relationship with your husband that works for all of you.

As much as the mommy heart within you must hurt (and I can't even come close to understanding) to see your beautiful daughter in these dire conditions, there has to be an acceptance on your part before you pick up and go on. It's probably going to be like the grieving process. You will have to grieve for the loss of the daughter you had and detach for the reality of what she is.

You can think of her and pray for her but you know you can't do anything else for her.

You will always be her mom and she will always be your daughter. I know that regardless of how you want to give up, that you will never fully accept that this is a lost cause. But you have push that to the back shelve and deal with the things in the front on a daily basis.

I am sorry and saddened that this has come to pass for your daughter. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling.

I will pray for you daughter - I will pray that she stays safe. I will pray that you find some acceptance in this living.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Your husband and your son need you more now than ever.

Hugs.
Sharon

 

[DaisyFace]

Shawna--

I have been thinking about you and wondering what had happened with you and your family. I had been hoping and praying for a happy ending for you...

I am so sorry that you were not able to resolve this the way that we all hoped.

But I am VERY glad that you have posted again and let us all know how you are doing. You know that we will always be here to listen.....please don't feel that you burden us with anything.

I hope that you are able to get some help for yourself and a little peace in your life.

(((((Hugs))))) and support.....and welcome back.

--DaisyF

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Shawna,

I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. You definitely are not burdening us. Keep coming for support as you can.

Valerie

 

[compassion]

((( )))) I have thought of you and your daughter so many times. Compassion, whose daughter is doing similar behavior to yours but I am detaching more and focusing on recovery in FA, Al-Anon.

 

[klmno]

Bran, I'm very sorry to hear about all this. I read your post but have not read all the responses. I have been concerned about you and wondered what happened many times.

As far as your daughter, I personally think you will being going through another incident before too long. The one suggestion I have based on being a person who once went thru rehab/therapy (and you may choose to ignore it), is that hitting bottom cannot be turned around in less than a week. IOW, if she gets desparately sick and tired again, it might be in her best interest to leave her in jail a while. No matter how much she might be willing to accept change when things are horrible, it takes being clean for a while and having some therapuetic change actually take place with her in order to be able to maintain that and until there has been time to go thru those mental processes and she has actually gone thru them, she probably will continue to go back to the same poor choices every time this happens. If she stays locked up and clean (meaning she is forced to stay this way), it gives time for some therapuetic processes to happen. IOW, until she has gone thru certain mental processes thru specialized therapy and a good treatment program, she will probably return to the same thing as soon as she starts feeling better and has a chance to. I have no idea how or even if they handle that thru the courts in your area when an 18yo is involved but they need to get a clue about letting her out the next time she's locked up.

If she can be locked in a treatment facility for a minimum of 60 days the next time she hits bottom, that would be the best thing for her, in my humble opinion.

 

[DDD]

Sending caring hugs your way, Shawna. Having a child spiraling because of addictive behaviors that only they can control....it's devestating. Your daughter's circumstances have to be especially painful for you and your husband. It is wonderful that you have a sister you can trust and rely upon.

I will include you all in my prayers and hope that your appointment brings you professional help as you try to forge ahead leading a normal life. Do be extra cautious as you have been on medications and cold turkey is almost always a bad idea. Hugs. DDD

PS: I believe that one CD family member lived the same nightmare and her daughter finally gave up that dangerous life although she did not become a easy child if I recall.

 

[ThreeShadows]

I'm so sorry, Shawna. I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm so glad you posted, I was afraid you had had a stroke.

Somehow, I'm not surprised about this heart breaking turn of events. I wish I had a magic wand to take away the torment. When my son was on the streets it helped me to set up an altar with a picture from his days of innocence and childhood joy. I lit candles and burned incense in front of this picture. The ritual made me feel he would be safe one day.

I think you and she will be forever changed by her choices but my favorite therapist once told me she had worked with a young girl who was selling herself on the streets of NYC. She quit that life style, never became a easy child, but lived a straight life and was glad to be back in touch with her family.

I will be praying for you and your child.

 

[slsh]

Shawna - many gentle hugs to you. I am so very sorry your family is going through this.

It's excruciating watching our kids make such terrible choices. I cannot wrap my head around their thinking - that somehow it is better for them to live such dangerous lives, easier, than to comply, follow rules, engage in treatment. It seems to me they exert so much more effort to live their way, but it would take much less effort to live a safe and responsible life. I don't get it at all.

I am into self-preservation right now. I don't ask my son what he does. He knows not to tell me. I know myself well enough to know that I probably couldn't take knowing. His physical state (severe wt loss, sores, self-done tattoos) tells me more than enough.

Please do take care of yourself. It is all you can do at this point. I truly understand the pain of knowing the choices she's making, but somehow you need to not let her choices rule your life. I know the fear of waiting for the call... we have to make the conscious choice not to let it be our only focus. It's probably the hardest thing in the world to do and personally I struggle with it daily, but... your son, your husband, and most importantly *you* deserve to have a joy-filled life.

Again, many gentle hugs.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, ShawnaBran, I am so so so so sorry.
Many hugs.
I wish, you wish, everyone wishes that you could have helped your daughter. But she is 18 now, making very poor choices, leaving you no choice.
Once she gets off the drugs she's on (which will take a long time) she will come back. I know someone (very close to me) who went through something similar and it was h&ll. I hated reading the emails and getting the ph calls because I was totally helpless to get involved, and then I wouldn't hear anything for wks and wondered what was going on.

Thank you for coming back and letting us all know. I hope our support can be of some help to you at this sad time.
{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[trinityroyal]

Shawna, I'm so very sorry that your daughter is making such poor choices.

I agree that you need to draw firm boundaries and not allow yourself to get drawn into her destructive behaviour. I'm glad to hear that you've been taking good care of yourself. You need to be strong for yourself, your easy child and your husband.

Sending many gentle {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Trinity

 

[standswithcourage]

It sounds like you have done everything in your power tohelp your daughter. It is very sad to watch it happen to them. I feel the same way about my son. Why would he chose a life, live in an abandoned trailer, over the life he had with a family that loves him just so he can smoke pot and do other drugs? doesnt make any sense? I fear the call also that I will havea to come and identify his body - I have come to accept that it may happen. I tell him so also - I ask him what do you think it feels like to fear that phone call? and he says mom i am not going to die - I havent heard from him today - dont know where he is - he is not living with us which means he is free to do whatever he wants to - I have to pray continually that God will rescue him .

 

[everywoman]

Shawna, just a hug. I am so sorry.

 

[Lothlorien]

Gosh, Shawna, I am just sitting here wishing I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. I'm so sorry this is happening. It's just heartbreaking.

 

[Fran]

What a heartbreak. Hugs.
She has made terrible choices. I can understand your horror.
As long as she is breathing there is hope that she will turn her life around. It's little consolation to you. Hate her behavior but hope that she wakes up and saves herself. We all know we can't do it.