standswithcourage
New Member
Shawna - I admire your strength. You are amazing also. Keep coming back here to talk!
standswithcourage
New Member
I think Star needs to be on Oprah!!!! or maybe she needs to write a book - Excerpts of Strength by Star! Bravo!
AnnMarieTN
New Member
I have been praying for you and thinking about you. I will continue to keep you and your daughter in my thoughts/prayers.
Shawna I am so sorry, I was afraid something like this has happened. So many of the things you have said are so familar to me, why do they choose to live the life they do when we offer them so much, why would they rather live on the street or worse just because they can't follow some simple rules, why do they think so little of themselves that they will live like that, why did God do this to us and if there is a God why is he allowing it to continue.
I have thought all those things myself and my situation is not yet as dreadful as yours. It is why I need to have my difficult child leave our home soon before it can get that bad. I too am a nervous wreck most of the time. I can't eat or sleep when she is acting out, I am almost afraid of her and what she is capable of doing. I won't leave her in our house alone for fear of who she will have come in. She was spending nights at a house in foreclosure where there were no parents and all the kids were drugging and drinking and stealing things and selling them for money. Many of the boys staying there have been arrested for various crimes over the past month, including breaking into a home of one of their friends and trashing it and then videotaping several of them having sex with girls in the trashed house.
I was just thinking today that there are some people, and my difficult child is one of them and obviously so is yours, that just do not value human life like we do. They don't value their own or anyone else's life to guard it and keep it safe. As hard as I try I just can't understand why, they just have far different values. I look around our home and at our family and I can't for the life of me understand why she wants to throw that all away for a life that will be filled with nothing but misery. There is no other way to explain why our difficult child's live on the edge. They are born far different than we are and we just can't understand. It makes me angry because we spend so much of our life worrying about them and trying to get them help and they spend their life doing whatever they want and not caring about anyone or anything else.
Shawna you have to take care of yourself. I have finally gotten to the point where I can detach rather quickly, as soon as she starts her abusive behavior. I simply decided I won't live like this any longer. I will never stop loving her and I will be here if she wants my help, but really wants it, not just a handout until she can run again.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I know the feeling of complete despair when there is nothing you can do but worry. It is out of your control. You will have to somehow stop thinking of how she is living and go on with your life and be there for her if and when she decides to change.
Hugs,
Nancy
P.S.
Star continues to be my hero. When you start that website Shawna or the support group, I will be there.
I have thought all those things myself and my situation is not yet as dreadful as yours. It is why I need to have my difficult child leave our home soon before it can get that bad. I too am a nervous wreck most of the time. I can't eat or sleep when she is acting out, I am almost afraid of her and what she is capable of doing. I won't leave her in our house alone for fear of who she will have come in. She was spending nights at a house in foreclosure where there were no parents and all the kids were drugging and drinking and stealing things and selling them for money. Many of the boys staying there have been arrested for various crimes over the past month, including breaking into a home of one of their friends and trashing it and then videotaping several of them having sex with girls in the trashed house.
I was just thinking today that there are some people, and my difficult child is one of them and obviously so is yours, that just do not value human life like we do. They don't value their own or anyone else's life to guard it and keep it safe. As hard as I try I just can't understand why, they just have far different values. I look around our home and at our family and I can't for the life of me understand why she wants to throw that all away for a life that will be filled with nothing but misery. There is no other way to explain why our difficult child's live on the edge. They are born far different than we are and we just can't understand. It makes me angry because we spend so much of our life worrying about them and trying to get them help and they spend their life doing whatever they want and not caring about anyone or anything else.
Shawna you have to take care of yourself. I have finally gotten to the point where I can detach rather quickly, as soon as she starts her abusive behavior. I simply decided I won't live like this any longer. I will never stop loving her and I will be here if she wants my help, but really wants it, not just a handout until she can run again.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I know the feeling of complete despair when there is nothing you can do but worry. It is out of your control. You will have to somehow stop thinking of how she is living and go on with your life and be there for her if and when she decides to change.
Hugs,
Nancy
P.S.
Star continues to be my hero. When you start that website Shawna or the support group, I will be there.
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Star*
call 911........call 911
We ALL have the power in us to be oaks. Sometimes we just have to have enough acorns hit us in the head before we get tired of the nuts and rise above it.
From a religious point of view - I think Mary Magdalene was forgiven AND loved - a lot. Pretty sure she talked to an angel. She even got a bit part in the good book.
From a religious point of view - I think Mary Magdalene was forgiven AND loved - a lot. Pretty sure she talked to an angel. She even got a bit part in the good book.
Pookybear66
New Member
Bran-I'm so sorry for your family to have to go through this. We all have our struggles and there is nothing to forgive. I too have not posted as often as I maybe should. But I figure I do what I need to do to get through the day and make it to the next one. "There may just be a rainbow on the other side of that cloud" so I keep pluggin away. Best wishes.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
ShawnaBran,
Your sister is a gem. She did just what she was supposed to do.
I agree, for right or wrong, these are your emotions and you have a right to feel any way you choose. Your daughter has hogged all the emotions for too long. You need to take care of yourself now.
I'm sorry that Xanax and Valium make you feel cruddy. They work immediately, while Zoloft and Paxil take weeks or months. I don't know what else is out there ... I'm just familiar with-the big brand names. But you should be able to get whatever you want from your primary care physician.
I would also recommend a therapist to talk things over. S/he can give you some great guidelines and insights. You will be surprised at how obvious the ideas are once you hear them!
I am so glad that your son is such a delight. How much does he know about his sister? I'm assuming you just told him that she moved out and she's sick or something?
Your sister is a gem. She did just what she was supposed to do.
I agree, for right or wrong, these are your emotions and you have a right to feel any way you choose. Your daughter has hogged all the emotions for too long. You need to take care of yourself now.
I'm sorry that Xanax and Valium make you feel cruddy. They work immediately, while Zoloft and Paxil take weeks or months. I don't know what else is out there ... I'm just familiar with-the big brand names.
But you should be able to get whatever you want from your primary care physician. I would also recommend a therapist to talk things over. S/he can give you some great guidelines and insights. You will be surprised at how obvious the ideas are once you hear them!
I am so glad that your son is such a delight. How much does he know about his sister? I'm assuming you just told him that she moved out and she's sick or something?
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Shawna...sorry I havent responded sooner. I really just havent known what to say except Im sorry. I feel so helpless and helpless isnt something I do well. I am a fixer.
Well Star gave me something to offer. If you want to start that website, I know how. I can help you. That is something I can do to be of some help.
Well Star gave me something to offer. If you want to start that website, I know how. I can help you. That is something I can do to be of some help.
Mayapple5
New Member
I can't say it any better than Marguerite and Star. You have done your job as her mom. You have given the best of yourself to her, you have taught her all you know. It is all up to her now. There comes a time in their lives that they have to be held responsible, we have to turn the reigns over to them and say, God watch over them!
I'm doing the same for my two girls. They are making some very unwise decisions that are tearing the hearts right out of their dad and me but all we can do is pray they will one day come to realize their mistakes and we will be here to support them when they do, one day.
It's good to hear from you again! Take care of yourself and your son and your husband. Find something creative to do with your time. Help others, you have gone through something that others are only beginning to go through. You can be a wonderful support to them, using your experience you will be amazed at how that will empower you and give you strength. May God give you peace.
I'm doing the same for my two girls. They are making some very unwise decisions that are tearing the hearts right out of their dad and me but all we can do is pray they will one day come to realize their mistakes and we will be here to support them when they do, one day.
It's good to hear from you again! Take care of yourself and your son and your husband. Find something creative to do with your time. Help others, you have gone through something that others are only beginning to go through. You can be a wonderful support to them, using your experience you will be amazed at how that will empower you and give you strength. May God give you peace.
B
bran155
Guest
I wish that I can find the right words of gratitude! Each and everyone of you have touched my heart in ways that leave me at a loss, what words can I use to really express my appreciation for all of your support??? Thank you just doesn't even begin to cover it!!!
I'm in a very strange place right now as I so desperately want support and to be connected to all of you, on the other hand I am so desperately trying not to think about this nightmare, trying to stay as detached as possible and being here makes me think about my daughter so much more. So, if I only come to visit from time to time please don't take it personal. It really is only about me finding a way to survive this hell. It is in no way a reflection of how I feel about all of you. From the minute I stumbled upon this corner of the web, my experience here has been beyond wonderful. I felt at home right from the start! And each time I had been gone for a bit and come back, your arms were wide open! For that I am forever grateful!!!
I am holding up pretty well. The morning, when I first open my eyes and nightime are the hardest times of the day for me. Waking up and realizing that I am still living this nightmare, that my baby girl is not sleeping safely in her bed, she is not where she should be is a very hard reality to open your eyes to. I just start off the day with a feeling of doom, a hole in my heart, an empiness in my soul. After a bit, after having my coffee and seeing my son's wonderful smile the day starts to get a bit easier. The day is bearable. I think of my daughter every single second of my waking life (and half the time in my dreams) but I have been able to, sort of, keep the obssession under the surface. There are times in the day that I have to fight back the tears. If I am at the beach with my son and see a mother and her teenage daughter having a good time, talking and laughing, the doom creeps up form under the surface and begins to suffocate me. I fight it off as I have to be a good mom to my son. I enjoy spending time with him and seeing him happy. That is what gets me through. At nightime, for obvious reasons, it is particularly difficult. I have not gone to sleep before the sun comes up in months!!! I just can't. My anxiety level is through the roof as I am imagining her at "work"!!! I have racing thoughts and cannot keep focused on anything. I lay down, try like hell to sleep, get up, lay down, get up........all night long!!! The visions, the images that run through my mind are crippling. I often sit on my terrace at 2,3,4 in the morning and find myself actually talking to my daughter, as if she were in front of me. I cry, beg and lecture, out loud!!! If poeple see me, they probably think I'm crazy!!! It is usually around 5:30, as the sun is coming up, that I am able to drift off to sleep. It is horrible. I sleep for a couple of hours and start the mania all over again!
My son, bless his heart, has really no idea what his sister is doing. He thinks she is away at her special school. Like when she was in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I don't let him see me crying and stay as positive as possible throughout the day. I should really be receiving an Oscar for my performance! When we go out and do things I try so hard not to think of my daughter. But can't help but remember when her and I would go and do fun things together when she was younger. Today we went to the pool, had a great day but there were quite a few times that I could actually see my daughter froliching about in the water, like it was yesterday. That is very hard. I think of her as a little girl quite a lot and it breaks my heart to know that that very same, sweet little girl grew up to make the choices she has. It is still so unbelievable to me! I don't know that I will ever get used to it! She just monopolizes my every thought. Everything triggers some memory, good and bad, of her. I have come to accept what the reality is, that I just cannot do anything at all to change things. It is out of my hands at this point. I am powerless. As a parent, that is extremely hard to live with. I try to prepare myself for the worst. I often imagine my baby's funeral. I imagine the call, that dreaded call! I can see myself falling to the ground, screaming and crying, vomitting even! Just falling apart. I picture myself incapacitated for months on end. I picture my son begging me to get out of bed. I picture his little heart breaking because I cannot function for him. I picture him at a loss, how could he possibly understand his sister's death? Then, after I am able to get myself together, I picture myself each morning getting coffee and the newspaper and going to her grave site and reading the paper to her while having my coffee, chatting with her as if she were with me at the kitchen table! I imagine us having a wonderful spiritual relationship. And I imagine her soul set free from all of the madness. Her being at peace! HOW SICK IS THAT??? This is the way my mind works. It is crazy how you think of these obsurd things. Things that people who have "normal" children could never imagine!
Anyway, now that I have all of you thinking that I should check myself into the hospital....... Sorry, I got a bit carried away. But that is the truth, that is what I think about!
My sister and my daughter have been talking everyday. My daughter wants to speak to me. She asks my sister to put me on the phone but I just refuse. She wanted to come by the house the other day and see all of us. I told my sister, no way!!! I just could not handle that. My sister explained to my daughter that I am not ready to see or talk to her, that I am not handling this very well. She told her that I love her dearly and worry about her constantly but just can handle any communication with her right now. I do feel kind of bad about that. She told my sister to tell me that she loves me. And I know that she does. She knows I love her as well. This is just how it has to be for right now. She is fully aware that if she were to make a choice to turn her life around I would jump through hoops for her. (only if I knew that it was genuine) I pray that day comes. Until then, I will make choices that allow me to get through the day. It's no longer about getting her through the day!!!
Gosh, I am so sorry that I have rambled on like this. If you made it through, thanks so much for listening! I will be around. In the meantime, please know that you all are in my heart. God bless!
p.s. Janet, I have thought about starting that website and when I am ready to do so, I will absolutely enlist you to help me. I would not know how to go about doing that whatsoever!!! I can barely use my printer! LOL I am pretty much a computer dummy! So, thanks for offering to help! I will talk to you soon.
I'm in a very strange place right now as I so desperately want support and to be connected to all of you, on the other hand I am so desperately trying not to think about this nightmare, trying to stay as detached as possible and being here makes me think about my daughter so much more. So, if I only come to visit from time to time please don't take it personal. It really is only about me finding a way to survive this hell. It is in no way a reflection of how I feel about all of you. From the minute I stumbled upon this corner of the web, my experience here has been beyond wonderful. I felt at home right from the start! And each time I had been gone for a bit and come back, your arms were wide open! For that I am forever grateful!!!
I am holding up pretty well. The morning, when I first open my eyes and nightime are the hardest times of the day for me. Waking up and realizing that I am still living this nightmare, that my baby girl is not sleeping safely in her bed, she is not where she should be is a very hard reality to open your eyes to. I just start off the day with a feeling of doom, a hole in my heart, an empiness in my soul. After a bit, after having my coffee and seeing my son's wonderful smile the day starts to get a bit easier. The day is bearable. I think of my daughter every single second of my waking life (and half the time in my dreams) but I have been able to, sort of, keep the obssession under the surface. There are times in the day that I have to fight back the tears. If I am at the beach with my son and see a mother and her teenage daughter having a good time, talking and laughing, the doom creeps up form under the surface and begins to suffocate me. I fight it off as I have to be a good mom to my son. I enjoy spending time with him and seeing him happy. That is what gets me through. At nightime, for obvious reasons, it is particularly difficult. I have not gone to sleep before the sun comes up in months!!! I just can't. My anxiety level is through the roof as I am imagining her at "work"!!! I have racing thoughts and cannot keep focused on anything. I lay down, try like hell to sleep, get up, lay down, get up........all night long!!! The visions, the images that run through my mind are crippling. I often sit on my terrace at 2,3,4 in the morning and find myself actually talking to my daughter, as if she were in front of me. I cry, beg and lecture, out loud!!! If poeple see me, they probably think I'm crazy!!! It is usually around 5:30, as the sun is coming up, that I am able to drift off to sleep. It is horrible. I sleep for a couple of hours and start the mania all over again!
My son, bless his heart, has really no idea what his sister is doing. He thinks she is away at her special school. Like when she was in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I don't let him see me crying and stay as positive as possible throughout the day. I should really be receiving an Oscar for my performance! When we go out and do things I try so hard not to think of my daughter. But can't help but remember when her and I would go and do fun things together when she was younger. Today we went to the pool, had a great day but there were quite a few times that I could actually see my daughter froliching about in the water, like it was yesterday. That is very hard. I think of her as a little girl quite a lot and it breaks my heart to know that that very same, sweet little girl grew up to make the choices she has. It is still so unbelievable to me! I don't know that I will ever get used to it! She just monopolizes my every thought. Everything triggers some memory, good and bad, of her. I have come to accept what the reality is, that I just cannot do anything at all to change things. It is out of my hands at this point. I am powerless. As a parent, that is extremely hard to live with. I try to prepare myself for the worst. I often imagine my baby's funeral. I imagine the call, that dreaded call! I can see myself falling to the ground, screaming and crying, vomitting even! Just falling apart. I picture myself incapacitated for months on end. I picture my son begging me to get out of bed. I picture his little heart breaking because I cannot function for him. I picture him at a loss, how could he possibly understand his sister's death? Then, after I am able to get myself together, I picture myself each morning getting coffee and the newspaper and going to her grave site and reading the paper to her while having my coffee, chatting with her as if she were with me at the kitchen table! I imagine us having a wonderful spiritual relationship. And I imagine her soul set free from all of the madness. Her being at peace! HOW SICK IS THAT??? This is the way my mind works. It is crazy how you think of these obsurd things. Things that people who have "normal" children could never imagine!
Anyway, now that I have all of you thinking that I should check myself into the hospital....... Sorry, I got a bit carried away. But that is the truth, that is what I think about!
My sister and my daughter have been talking everyday. My daughter wants to speak to me. She asks my sister to put me on the phone but I just refuse. She wanted to come by the house the other day and see all of us. I told my sister, no way!!! I just could not handle that. My sister explained to my daughter that I am not ready to see or talk to her, that I am not handling this very well. She told her that I love her dearly and worry about her constantly but just can handle any communication with her right now. I do feel kind of bad about that. She told my sister to tell me that she loves me. And I know that she does. She knows I love her as well. This is just how it has to be for right now. She is fully aware that if she were to make a choice to turn her life around I would jump through hoops for her. (only if I knew that it was genuine) I pray that day comes. Until then, I will make choices that allow me to get through the day. It's no longer about getting her through the day!!!
Gosh, I am so sorry that I have rambled on like this. If you made it through, thanks so much for listening! I will be around. In the meantime, please know that you all are in my heart. God bless!
p.s. Janet, I have thought about starting that website and when I am ready to do so, I will absolutely enlist you to help me. I would not know how to go about doing that whatsoever!!! I can barely use my printer! LOL I am pretty much a computer dummy! So, thanks for offering to help! I will talk to you soon.
Sweetie, with all that you are obsessing about and fighting hard to not obsess about, you really NEED to see a doctor and a therapist. NEED to. It just isn't healthy. I hope you get the help you need. If it gets any worse promise me you will go to the hospital or doctor immediately. NOT in a few weeks, but ASAP. Your son NEEDS you.
i do think that refusing to talk to difficult child or see her is very wise. You will just get more upset. And your son needs to be protected from her and the life she has chosen
i do think that refusing to talk to difficult child or see her is very wise. You will just get more upset. And your son needs to be protected from her and the life she has chosen
B
bran155
Guest
Thank you Susie, for your concern. My sw is coming to see me this week, she is going to help me find a therapist as I am getting no where with the clinic I called! I will keep you updated.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
ShawnaBran, three things.
One, you can think about anything you want and even talk to yourself, but letting it take over your life is a bad thing. I second the motion for a therapist, and for medications.
Two, no sleep can cause a psychotic break. People in the military, especially in battle, go loony from lack of sleep, and that's where you get awful disasters. Please at least take a cpl antihistamines and try to sleep, say, from 3 a.m. to 9 a.m. Leave all the lights on if you have to.
I'm glad you're seeing the SW but I want you to sleep NOW.
Three, the fact that your daughter is callilng your sister every day is a very good thing. Your daughter needs an anchor, some orientation, someplace to touch base. She needs a connection. Your sister is providing that for your daughter, and letting you process the info by yourself. I think that your daughter will come back some day. Otherwise, she would have been long gone. She seems sort of half in and half out of the game, Know what I mean??
One, you can think about anything you want and even talk to yourself, but letting it take over your life is a bad thing. I second the motion for a therapist, and for medications.
Two, no sleep can cause a psychotic break. People in the military, especially in battle, go loony from lack of sleep, and that's where you get awful disasters. Please at least take a cpl antihistamines and try to sleep, say, from 3 a.m. to 9 a.m. Leave all the lights on if you have to.
I'm glad you're seeing the SW but I want you to sleep NOW.
Three, the fact that your daughter is callilng your sister every day is a very good thing. Your daughter needs an anchor, some orientation, someplace to touch base. She needs a connection. Your sister is providing that for your daughter, and letting you process the info by yourself. I think that your daughter will come back some day. Otherwise, she would have been long gone. She seems sort of half in and half out of the game, Know what I mean??
Steely
Active Member
Shawna, I just want you to know that I love you and Bran. I think of you guys all the time. My signature by Holmes says it all. Keep believing. I do not know where that hope will lead - but when our hope is gone - then so is our soul. Hang tough. You are making it one day at a time.
Stella Johnson
Active Member
It's been a while since I've been on the board as well. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this mess of a life she keeps creating. When it all started I kept thinking she was having a wild faze and would snap out of it when she saw what a dirty, nasty life it really was. Sounds like she may have acclimated herself to it now. 
It has to be hard to watch the child you gave life to, trash their life this way.
It really doesn't sound like she was "stable" when she left. I think it takes much longer to be legally declared stable. At least in my book it does.
I agree about detaching. It has to be hell to do, but it has to be done. You can't let her drag you down with her. You have babies at home that need you. Her choices are just that, hers. Don't let this pull you down. Don't get me wrong. I would be a wreck if my difficult child did this but eventually you have to get back to as normal as possible.
hugs and good thoughts,
Steph
It has to be hard to watch the child you gave life to, trash their life this way.
It really doesn't sound like she was "stable" when she left. I think it takes much longer to be legally declared stable. At least in my book it does.
I agree about detaching. It has to be hell to do, but it has to be done. You can't let her drag you down with her. You have babies at home that need you. Her choices are just that, hers. Don't let this pull you down. Don't get me wrong. I would be a wreck if my difficult child did this but eventually you have to get back to as normal as possible.
hugs and good thoughts,
Steph
gottaloveem
Active Member
oh honey, your post brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to your heartbreak. i'm sorry your daughter is making the choices she is making. i wish i had magic words that would help ease your pain.
it's been a couple of months since you posted this, i hope you read this and know that i am sending all of the supportive hugs I can muster to send through a computer. i hope things have improved somewhat or you at least found a bit of peace since your last post.
holding you in my heart.
love,
Lia
it's been a couple of months since you posted this, i hope you read this and know that i am sending all of the supportive hugs I can muster to send through a computer. i hope things have improved somewhat or you at least found a bit of peace since your last post.
holding you in my heart.
love,
Lia
