Hello and meet Satanica....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Boogie, Aug 16, 2010.

  1. Boogie

    Boogie New Member

    I've been lurking on this forum for some time and the silence must be broken.

    I live in Michigan, evidently the most backwards state in the country. My stepdaughter/difficult child, Satanica, has us at the end of our rope. She is in psychiatric hospital for the FIFTH time since last September, the last diagnosis from her last psychiatric hospital was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and psychosis. Right now, she's in a state-run psychiatric hospital as the "country club" phosps she's been in previously have had zero effect. She has become incorrigable - she cuts, runs away, has unprotected sex then plays "I'm pregnant" games with boyfriends, is downright abusive to her mother and I, she has hallucinations and voices tell her to do things, she believes her own delusions even when proven wrong, and... well... another Kanga/Onyxx in the making.

    The cops have been here so many times they tell us to just kick her *****. The county CMH is in control of her hospital stays and they end up tossing her out after a week or so, without fail. When talk of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or other long term care comes up, we're told there aren't any options and she simply ends up being thrown back at us, totally unstable and behaving worse than when she left.

    And it's looking like it's going to happen yet again.

    This past weekend, Satanica had nothing better to do but call her mom every few minutes to tell her how much she hates her and that she's going to kill her when she gets out. I've had enough. We have to lock up everything, including food. We have had to borrow a cell phone from a friend because Satanica stole our minute phones and used up the minutes.

    Did I mention that Satanica becomes Shirley Temple in the psychiatric hospital??? How lovely. She can snow a psychiatrist/therapist like a psychopath. Oh, and she LOVES to triangulate several parties against each other and watch the ensuing battle, which is exactly what she does with the docs. Fastone and I are child-abusing spawn of the Antichrist to these docs, I'm sure.

    Like all of you, we just want Satanica to get better and the war to end, but Satanica evidently wants us both dead. The "system" could evidently care less if she cubed us both up and fed us to the cats for a month. We're both unable to work now, and Medicaid suX0rz.

    Our last CMH service provider/program signed her off to Easter Seals as they were unable/unwilling to help Satanica anymore. All we've managed to accomplish with them thus far is the intake process, and it's been a month since the other agency signed her off.

    Bottom line... how do we stop them from once again throwing a snarling, frothing, cussing Satanica back on our doorstep to fillet us while we sleep?She needs an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but nobody will even consider that. So, is signing her over to foster care the only option we have left? I wonder if we can even do that. Maybe I should just have a meltdown when CPS visits us on Wed (because of an alleged "rape" that even the police are convinced didn't occur)?

    We're gonna go pull some more hair out now. Damn... I feel like a total failure as a parent right now.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Boogie, It sure seems like you and your wife have a lot on your plate. I wish I had some great advice. I'm surprised they won't consider Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and option. It sounds like she needs to be out of your house. I hope you have locks on your bedroom doors so you can be safe at night Glad you found us but sorry things are such a struggle.

    by the way, you will probably want to remove your picture from your avatar to protect your privacy.
  3. WearyWoman

    WearyWoman Guest

    Boogie, I used to live in Michigan. I know what you mean about the resources, or lack thereof. I'm very sorry to hear how rough it's been for you. The system obviously isn't working for your family. It is SO sad when children with severe mental and behavioral issues do not receive the care they so desperately need, and families should not be expected to act as treatment providers, for crying out loud. It sounds like the hospitals are just doing time. I have zero experience with RTCs or anything like that, such as inpatient facilities. I just wanted to reach out and support you in some way.

    I understand that your difficult child is tormenting your family with her behavior, and it must be exhausting. It sounds like her medication is not effective in helping her manage. While her behaviors are unacceptable, I'm sure she still wants to be loved somewhere deep down. You are not a failure as a parent. You've been through a lot. I am concerned about the safety issues for all of you, as you describe that she has made serious threats of harm.

    I don't think you have a choice but to fight for proper care and supervision of her. It is not uncommon for difficult children to fool therapists with their charm while they show their true colors at home. Certainly experienced professionals should know that. I'm not sure who you need to call, so hopefully others will be along to advise you on that, but if it were me, I wouldn't be satisfied to relive the same bad experiences over and over. Keep pressing for services/placement/treatment until you get a more satisfactory response.

    Hope things improve,

  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Just wanted to add a warm and sorry welcome... but you truly are welcome here. :)

    I wish I had something to offer.... my little one with every diagnosis it seems is only 8! I can still control her a tiny bit. Puberty has yet to strike us all down.
    Hang in there and keep coming back at least for some support.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Boogie. Wow, what a wild ride you're on.
    You certainly have a colorful writing style! :D
    I'm not sure where to begin ... there are so many issues here, and she is a teenager and in the throes of adolesence.

    It's amazing that Satanica actually takes her medications. I am wondering about the use of Prozac, given her possible diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. It seems like a second layer, although you have typed in that she is taking Abilify, which should help. Have you noticed a diff when she's on medications?

    How old was she when she began to have hallucinations and delusions?
    What was she like as a baby and toddler?
    I am also wondering about borderline personality, but in one sense, it's irrelevant, since the medications would be similar, and the goal is to get her to create working solutions for her life.
    (One of the online borderline personality descriptions/treatments I read recently made the point that the idea is to create workable goals, not to restructure the individual's personality, FWIW.)

    I had to look up myclonic epilepsy, and found this:
    • Juvenile myoclonic epilepsy: The seizures usually involve the neck, shoulders, and upper arms. In many patients the seizures most often occur soon after waking up. They usually begin around puberty or sometimes in early adulthood in people with a normal range of intelligence. In most cases, these seizures can be well controlled with medication but it must be continued throughout life.
    • Lennox-Gastaut syndrome: This is an uncommon syndrome that usually includes other types of seizures as well. It begins in early childhood. The myoclonic seizures usually involve the neck, shoulders, upper arms, and often the face. They may be quite strong and are difficult to control.
    • Progressive myoclonic epilepsy: The rare syndromes in this category feature a combination of myoclonic seizures and tonic-clonic seizures. Treatment is usually not successful for very long, as the patient deteriorates over time.
    What is her schoolwork like? Because she has been hospitalized 5X, is she behind, or have you been able to bring her work to her at the hospital?
    Have you done psychoeducational testing and/or had her tested by a neuropsychologist?

    One thing that struck me about your post is that you and your wife are both out of work due to health issues, and you are totally focused on Satanica. You have another child living with you and I hope he is getting positive attention from you and your wife. And that you and your wife are also able to get some time alone. I know how chaotic and depressing it can be to have another child who zaps everyone's energy and good natures.
    I also know how it feels to have to lock up everything.
    Since you are such a good writer, I wonder if you have considered working from home, online? Just a thought. ;)

    To answer your Q about how to prevent the "authorities" from throwing Satanica back at you ... that will have to come from others here. I am not well versed in dealing with-RTCs or foster care, but there are many people here who are.

    What do you think would be accomplished if Satanica were to go into foster care? I'm thinking she would have a honeymoon period of a few wks, then start acting out in foster care and end up in another placement. I would only consider foster care if there were a court order for therapy along with-it. Have you talked to her about a birth control implant?

    Another thing that strikes me from your note is the manipulation by your daughter, particularly regarding boyfriends and pregnancy. It seems as though she craves attention and chaos, and provoking reactions in people. What happens when you do not react to her claims or meltdowns? When you act like a robot? (I'm assuming you've tried everything so correct me if I'm wrong.) Does your lack of response make her even wilder? Or does she go looking for someone else who will respond?

    I know you think she wants you dead, but when kids like this say they want you dead, they usually mean out of their way, because you are telling them things they don't want to hear. (I am assuming she has made no overt moves to actually kill you. Again, correct me if I'm wrong.) It's a magnified way of saying "I hate you." On this board, we have what we call "rhino skins," to deflect the emotional blows thrown at us daily.

    Build up your rhino skin and stick with-us. I'm glad you finally posted.
  6. Boogie

    Boogie New Member

    Thanks for all the replies. To address Terry's questions....

    Fastone keeps on her and makes sure she complies when at home. Satanica is grounded from staying over her friends' houses for non-compliance with her medications while away. The Prozac replaced Cymbalta and they just changed that last Friday. Do I think an SSRI is going to help her? NO! It's already made her worse and it allegedly takes several weeks to kick in. in my opinion, they need to put her on Trileptal as a MS first before they start throwing SSRI's at her. They make her go manic/psychotic.

    She has been delusional as long as I've known her. The hallucinations started after the Cymbalta, which was prescribed during her July psychiatric hospital stay. This is her third psychiatric hospital stay since May. As for early childhood, she's always been oppositional and defiant and a stalker. Other than that, Fastone would have to chime in.
    I think Bipolar with psychosis and schizoaffective is most accurate in my opinion. But she does display all the psychopathic traits as well... Totally self-absorbed with no sense of empathy or remorse and everything is someone else's fault, never hers. The bottom line with her is she gets her way, no matter what. Consequences mean nothing. Rewards don't work. Everything is "hers" so she needs no permission to take what she wants. What she wants right now is for us to step back and let her run wild in the streets, have sex with whomever, do drugs/smoke cigarettes and basically be a target for predators... not gonna happen under this roof.
    She was an honor roll student up until we got married three years ago. This is the key to her meltdown. Fastone was a single mom and there wasn't much discipline or structure in their lives. After we got married. Satanica started deteriorating rapidly as I insisted that these kids have some discipline and responsibility in order to learn to cope in life as an adult. Satanica melted down as all she cares about is herself. How dare I instill order in the chaos and drama!! She totally failed 8th grade but was lifted because they didn't want to deal with her issues anymore. She has an IEP for 9th grade in place, but I doubt she'll apply herself and will probably go to JJ for truancy. I can hope otherwise, but I'm not optimistic based on her present state.
    She's been evaluated by the school district for the IEP. A neuropsychologist evaluation??? This is Michigan!! The answer to any inquiries regarding that is basically "a neuro-what?? Never heard of one!"
    difficult child 1 (Droid, 16) has been up north at my brother's place all summer. He does well up there. Here, not so much. He and Satanica fight like cats and dogs and he has behavioral issues as well. At least he can go live with his aunt, which is a positive environment, whereas Satanica has pretty much been disowned by her relatives for stealing, calling CPS when she doesn't get her way, etc. If Droid were here this summer, I believe we'd both be dead right now, or divorced. difficult child 3 lives with his birth father and is exhibiting behaviors similar to Satanica.

    I have, just not sure what I'd write, or for whom.
    She'd be where she claims she wants to be, "away from this h--lhole!" She believes that all this psychiatric treatment and having boundaries and rules is all because we are haters, so maybe she really needs to see just how tall the grass grows over the fence.
    Totally. She's a griever who is not happy unless everyone around her is drowning in her drama. She can drain the life right out of you. EVERY STINKING DAY has to have some form of deep crisis or she'll manufacture some (the "rape" incident, several false accusations to CPS, cutting, running away, physical and verbal abuse of Fastone, etc). If she can triangulate and get me and Fastone angry with each other by days end, she's having a good day. A few nights ago, the cops pulled up in the driveway with Satanica in the back (wearing only a T-shirt and panties, mind you!). She claimed difficult child 3 (11) beat her with a metal coat hanger (we don't have any) and then dragged her across the concrete (he struggled to carry a 40 lb bag of topsoil, let alone Satanica, who weighs in at over 200!). The cop didn't even bother writing it up once we pointed that out to him. He looked at her back and there were no marks whatsoever. Satanica glared at him with her lips puckered out as if he was totally crazy to dispute her word. She truly believed it happened.

    She melts down, no matter what, and eventually yells "F--- YOU, B----! I HATE YOU!!" and walks out. Or she cuts. The cops are called... repeat five times per week until cardiac event occurs.

    True, but with her psychosis being as bad as it is now, I think she's fully capable of murder. The voices tell her to do things and then say "it'll be alright". She said once the voices told her to hurt people (likely us). We simply can't take that chance. We lock up everything, even have deadbolts on most of the closets.

    But we'd rest a lot better if these tarts that pass as mental health professionals around here would just let her stay in treatment long enough to actually achieve something other than giving Satanica plenty of free time to plot her revenge on us.

    Maybe I should go to the media.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board.
    Sounds to me like this child is VERY mentally ill, which is a big reason as to why she misbehaves. If she gets psychotic it's not fun for you, but even scarier for her. It's too bad they can't find the right medication combo for her.
    I would remember how sick she is and keep on fighting for help. Since she has trouble with reality it is possible that she will not respond to normal discipline until/unless she gets stable. Psychosis/schizoafective disorder are very serious mental illnesses. Perhaps she needs an out of home placement for now.
    I was a foster parent and am not in favor of it unless the parents understand mental illness better than you (unlikely) or if it's just for respite, but it could destabilize her even more. You don't get a lot of training as a foster parent. You are simply paid board (often quite a high amount) to take in somebody's child and to do the best you can (some try hard, some don't). I think an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is a better option. At least they are SUPPOSED to be trained in the care of mentally ill children. Day treatment is also possible. Check your insurance.
    Good luck, whatever you decide.
  8. WearyWoman

    WearyWoman Guest

    This really is unacceptable - if you think she's capable of hurting or killing people. She needs a safe place to be for herself and others. I agree with Midwest, though, that foster care isn't the answer. I used to be a foster parent in Michigan, and while some foster parents are trained to handle more severely affected kids, most are not, and it just sounds like your difficult child is very unstable right now. She really needs treatment and medication care. Where are you in Michigan? If you're in lower Michigan, have you considered looking across the border toward Illinois or Wisconsin, or is that not an option? I suppose that could be a problem with Michigan Medicaid, if that's the case. Maybe you can seek out an evaluation with an expert child psychiatrist and get a referral to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Having a professional advocate for you could make a difference. And, if Satanica isn't eligible for Residential Treatment Center (RTC), then what child could be? Her mental health symptoms are severe and unmanaged right now. What about a different psychiatric hospital?
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I would get a consult with an attorney - often you can get a short one (30 minutes or so) for less than $25 - often free. I would ask them their opinion of Michigan law on my suggestion.

    Since you have no other children in the home that CPS can take. I would do a lock out. Just refuse to pick her up, citing her continued threats to kill you. Technically, mom has to do this and then either dad can pick her up or if he also refuses, CPS must take her. CPS may then charge both parents with child neglect for refusing to pick her up. This will get you in front of a judge where your wife can present her list of what has been done to try and get this child help and why you fear for your lives if she is released to your care.

    If you can get a recording of her making her threats to present to the court, that would give a lot of weight. Michigan is an all-party consent law but there may be a loophole since she is a minor (if her legal guardian consents) or with the ruling from Sullivan v. Gray, 342 N.W. 2d 58, 60-61 (Mich. Ct. App. 1982) depending on where in Michigan you live. I am not an attorney and I am not familiar with Michigan law, other than through google (I looked into all this in our state when we were dealing with the same issues with Kanga.)

    Since the police are involved, maybe they would be willing to tap your phone for the conversation with her. They would know if they needed a warrant or just your consent. Or maybe, you can get them just to listen on speaker phone and then testify on your behalf.

    Believe her threats, protect yourselves. If you chose to bring her home, insist that the police arrest her for every thing - every false allegation, every assault - then get in front of a judge.

    Technically, you are a legal stranger to this child and should not be a party to this case (but I have seen CPS do stranger things, but you should be able to get the judge to drop you from the case since you have no legal obligation to the child).
  10. Boogie

    Boogie New Member

    We just got back from the psychiatric hospital for "family meeting" which went pretty much exactly how I figured. Satanica has been Shirley Temple at the psychiatric hospital and has naturally given her twisted story minus all the "her fault" details because it's all our fault. I was informed that I cannot have any say whatsoever in her discipline. We inquired about long term care and Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and were once again told "there's no money" and that's that.

    The therapist says Satanica is severely mentally ill and will likely never be anything near "normal" as an adult. So it looks like we're getting her back very soon, unstable or not. I am now severely depressed and feel like a cornered animal. I just want to go to bed and stay there.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Boogie - first things first - HUGS!
    I have been where you are. I have been so depressed and frustrated at the system's failure to help "my" child, and husband's denial and BM's continued allegations that Onyxx's problems are all husband's fault... I did notice you mentioned Onyxx in the first post. The difference - as I see it - is that Onyxx is fully capable of behaving. Demonica may not be.
    Of course, saying that - means she seriously seriously needs help. Now, I had never heard of a neuropsychologist before either. What we (husband and I) did was start with the local Children's hospital, and ask for referrals. We ended up in the next big city, at their Children's, which is over an hour drive - but luckily only just. Jett has been evaluated and his diagnosis is on my signature. As for Onyxx, husband is still somewhat in denial (though better now), so that's not been even touched.
    Your posts show how frustrated you are. It's hard - especially when you do love the children - to be a step parent. You don't have any rights, but you have all the responsibilities. How does your wife handle this? Are you on the same page re Demonica, or is Fastone demonstrating ostrich tendencies?
    There are times when all I want is some peace, and I would be willing to bet that describes you, as well. Some time to enjoy your home, and your wife, without living in your own prison on lockdown or being terrorized. The sad truth is that the "system" doesn't work very well for our kids. House arrest is more punishment for the parents (and siblings) than the children.
    I've been told to take all threats 100% seriously. I do, and so should you. Having a video/recording of Demonica's threats will help you. The state CAN order Residential Treatment Center (RTC), they just don't like to because then they have to pay for it (your wife will likely have to pay child support).
    Which brings me to the next thing... How is Fastone's relationship with her XH, in re the kids? When they split, was it fairly amicable or was it extremely contentious? Most of us steps have very, very biased opinions about our spouses' exes - and I can say that I tried very hard to play peacemaker where BM is concerned, until 1) she attacked ME and MY FAMILY (false allegations... According to her I have been arrested multiple times for DUI... LOL, never been arrested for ANYTHING... This is just an example), and 2) she exhibited EXACTLY the behaviors I was hearing about from husband and his family.
    In the meantime, I'll lend you my rhino skin, because I have noticed that the more you lend it to others the thicker your own gets.
    Stay with us... HUGS!
  12. Boogie

    Boogie New Member

    Step- Satanica CAN behave, if there is a hidden motive for her to do so. She can be Shrley Temple anywhere but at home. Fastone was never married to Satanica's birth father. Amicable... haha... he's a good-for-nada prison hopper and the supplier of all of Satanica's bad genetics. He's a nut case who seems to enjoy prison. He is in arrears on his child support and has been for several months that he's been back on the streets.

    Fastone was in ostrich mode for a while, but she now realizes that what I and others have been saying is in fact true. She's starting to see and understand the need for long term care. that it's for Satanica's best interest and not just because I want to see her gone.

    The local NAMI affiliate told us that there is ZERO funding available for long-term care. That is just sad. I have no idea how some people can have children in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s for a year or more, and we can't get even a month to six months of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) even though the social workers say she needs it. I guess the next revolution will probably start right here in Michigan when all these people with mental illnesses meltdown due to "no funding available" syndrome. I've heard about grants for this, but I can find nothing so far.

    This is totally insane, in the actual definition of the word.
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Wow I really lost my train of thought there, renamed her for you... Sorry about that. (In my defense, the computer I was using earlier doesn't show the GUI interface, so it's hard to scroll back!)

    Ohio's a lot like Michigan, from what I can tell... NO funding AT ALL. Courts don't want to order it, they'd rather put the kids in juvie (our court won't even order it, and we HAVE a way to pay for it).

    How is JJ living with his father if said person is on the streets? And... Does Daddy dearest have visitation with Satanica?
  14. keepongoing

    keepongoing Guest

    I don't have much to contribute but I wanted to say that in my previous life (before I had my own kids &difficult child) I worked in a psychiatric hospital and in general they are not good places for the disorders that crave a lot of drama (like borderline). The wiser p-docs we had would avoid keeping these patients or even admitting them. psychiatric hospital's have their way of responding to and reinforcing the drama that leaves certain kinds of patients sicker and sicker. Oupatient often worked better. Now it seems that you difficult child has a lot of things going on and things seem much more complex than 'simple borderline'
    The only other thing that strikes me is how exhausted you sound. How things are going right now is not working. Not working for you, not for your wife, not for difficult child. Right now there might not be an answer for what works. For your own sanity you need to emotionally step back because you can't survive in constant crisis mode. Neither can your wife or difficult child.
  15. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Free legal advice and advocacy

    Talk to a mental health advocate in person

    I think at this point it's time to call your state representative's office. I left a lengthy voice mail on mine and I got an answer in a few days from someone at the office, and they stayed with me until I got help.

    Are your daughter's civil rights being violated by being discharged unstable?

    Skim the Michigan Mental Health Code (you'll probably have to scroll a ways down but you'll find stuff that applies) so you can use language like "That's a violation of the Michigan Mental Health Code."


    I believe your best bet is to call your state rep, then start calling around.

    Good luck
  16. Boogie

    Boogie New Member

    Update.... Satanica got released yesterday, and is back home. I can tell the honeymoon period is going to be short even though we all calmly went through setting rules and expectations with her case manager when she got home. Fastone took her clothes shopping and spent over $70 on school clothes. Later, for some insane reason, Fastone let difficult child use the computer for a bit, to check her myspace, etc. I watched through my monitor everything she was typing in instant messaging using a remote desktop connection. It wasn't five minutes and she was starting **** with girls, talking to potential IIB's and then asked some boy to help her "figure out what she should do because she doesn't want to live here" which was the point I blew a gasket. I was up until after 6AM absolutely stewing, sitting in the dark basement, staring into darkness.

    This **** is literally killing me, and no one cares. I see there are two solutions... either *I* leave and walk away from my own home and chalk up thousands of dollars of loss to lesson learned, or Satanica gets out of my house and doesn't come back. The second doesn't seem to be an option, so I guess at some point, the former will probably happen. This sucks... my life shattered by a 14 year old. But I'm so sick of being hated and feeling unsafe in my own home that I'd just as soon live in a tent at this point.

    I really don't know what to do. Something's gotta give and soon. But from what I've seen thus far, status quo is indefinite.
  17. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Something I can tell you from been there done that - and I know you won't like it 'cause I didn't - but - detach.

    Essentially what this means is back off. Tell your wife your stress level has about reached its max and she will HAVE to deal with Satanica herself. Don't monitor her on the computer - if it has to be done, either have your wife do it or install a spy program that your wife can check later. (About the remote desktop connection - when I use mstsc, the person knows I'm there. Could she be doing it for shock value? I know Onyxx would.)

    You mentioned that a lot of this started when you and Fastone got married. Did Satanica get to know you before? Was her behavior already moving toward intolerable, or was it like someone flipped a switch? The reason I ask is - Onyxx has always been high strung, and just-on-the-edge, but the worst of the behavior started when her little sister was born (lil sis is now deceased, won't go into that) but got MUCH, MUCH worse shortly after BM started dating the creep. Of course, with him there were extenuating circumstances.

    But seriously. Take care of YOU first. I know there are some differences in our situations (for one, gender), but I can see you're feeling very much like I have. And likely will again. Do you have a counselor YOU can talk to?

    I almost let Onyxx's antics and my own frustrations with the way husband was handling things escalate the little things to a point where I was ready to walk away from my marriage and not look back. I was apartment hunting. A lot of things happened to keep me here, and it turned out to be the right thing for me. I got more confirmation today that he's here for me. Just a thought.

    And - one more thing. If you wish, PM me...
  18. liz

    liz Guest

    Boogie, I feel for you--really I do. My difficult child has issues thought they are mild because he is so much younger than some of the other kids on here.

    I know for one thing that this board has been a life raft I can climb onto when things get rough. No one in real life "gets" our kids and especially close family and friends can be the worst about understanding what is really going on in our households.

    My hubby was in denial about our difficult child. Eventually, reality slaps the other spouse in the face real hard and their grief is overwhelming. At least we are able to see it as it comes, so I think we are in a painful but better position.

    I am hoping things will settle down for you but I do know that once your spouse gets on board, things will start to look better and you will have the support you need. Please try not to shut yourself away and these people on this board will be a huge help to you when you need it.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The mental health system in the US is truly terrible, but it is actually worse in many other countries. Sadly, most MH patients end up in prison or in/out of jail as adults because that is the only way to get medications and treatment, such as it is there. This is just as true for kids as adults, from what I have seen.

    Does Satanica physically attack you and Fastone? Wiz, my difficult child, used to attack Jessie and I. Everything I did or said, including Hi "provoked" him. I finally had to call the Sheriff and refuse to allow him to come back home. I simply couldn't tolerate being beaten by anyone and I wasn't going to let my younger kids think it was okay. I also was terrified that if he did manage to kill me then he would kill himself out of guilt. I knew he would never be able to get over the guilt for seriously hurting or killing me.

    My husband worked in a city over an hour away, so I was alone with the kids most of the time. He knew things were bad, but never really saw exactly how awful it was, mostly because he left our son to me in almost every regard. (Wiz is his bio son, not a step, husband just couldn't understand him or connect with him.) husband came home to the Sheriff one day and told them that he would back me up (he knew darn well that if he undermined me he would be all alone in the world because I would be GONE, esp when it came to physical safety issues.). It was one of the worst days of my life, and one of the most important. I refused to let my son back into the house. He had already spent 4 months in a locked psychiatric ward just over a year before, and had 2 acute stays at a different psychiatric hospital (the second one timed so that he could meet up with a girl there - NOT because he was really having problems he wanted help with -GRRRRR).

    The deputies tried to tell me there wasn't anyplace to take him. I told them that they had jail cells for those who assault others, didn't they? They placed him in a youth shelter (lasted less than 3 days before he broke enough of their rules to be kicked out!) then he went to my parents. They live in town and we had lived with them for a while. My mom had been asking for custody of him in many ways, some very damaging to our parent/child bond. My dad had just retired from teaching jr high and he asked if we would let Wiz live with them instead of insisting on a placement out of the family. I did NOT like this, because I thought he needed placement in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but I gave in. Mostly as long as we could be safe from him I didn't much care where he was, not at that point. It was an awful way to feel about my child, but it was what it was. I just would NOT live in terror anymore. period.

    The very next time Satanica attacks anyone in the home physically, call the cops and refuse to let her back into the home. You probably will need to be on the same page with Fastone, she will have to agree and stand united with you. The cops will get a temporary order from a judge to place her somewhere. Then in a couple of days you see a judge, tell him what is going on, and that you and Fastone cannot help her, supervise her, or live with her because you are being abused by her and are scared of her. Have a letter written (with bullets for various things she does/has done) and give a copy to the judge, the CPS worker (one will be there), and read one out loud to the judge.

    Be very firm, very calm, and let them SEE your and Fastone's fear. If there are other children at home (permanent or visiting) make SURE you touch on what Satanica has done/threatened to do to them. In our case, the CPS worker knew us because his son was on a basketball team with our youngest. He said that we were doing all the right things to keep our kids safe, including taking the violent child to court for placement. Our judge somehow got the deputy to not file paperwork on Wiz because he really didn't want to deal with this, but I did get the officer to eventually give me a report and a copy of the order placing Wiz in the shelter and the order kicking difficult child out of the shelter. The second time we went to court was 2 weeks after the first time and the judge postponed things to give the deputy "time" to get the paperwork done. It was then that my parents asked for custody.

    In reality we did not give formal legal custody to my parents - it was too much of a hassle. I sent letters to the school and the doctors, and signed a bunch of HIPPA forms at the various docs, so that my parents could take care of whatever. On a few big issues I did step in, but not more than 2-3 of them. One was when Wiz ran away the night after my mom had sinus surgery and her eyelids/lower eyes done. Right now Wiz is 18 1/2, graduated high school a year ago, and finished a technical course this last May, and is working to be admitted to college now. He has become a fairly delightful person to be around and we all have good relationships with him. NONE of that would have happened if he had stayed here with us. I credit living with Gpa for a LOT of his turnaround, largely because Gpa is more of an Aspie than difficult child ever thought about being, lol.

    anyway, if Fastone and you work to keep communication going, meaning that neither of you EVER believes a word out of Satanica's mouth (how do you know your difficult child is lying? Her mouth is moving. This is NOT a joke for many of our difficult children!) unless you calmly talk about it with each other (without Satanica being there), and then you work on getting to a point where Fastone will be strong enough to go to the court and tell them that her child cannot come home, with your support.

    Whatever happens, try your best to detach from Satanica. Read Parenting your Teen with Love and Logic - MANY of us have found this extremely useful with difficult children. You can learn more about L&L at www.loveandlogic.com .

    Above all, don't be a stranger here. We truly understand because we have been there done that.
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great resources, Barney'sMom!

    I agree with-the others here. Detach, detach, detach.
    Don't monitor her on the computer any more. Either she's on it or she's off of it. Forever.
    It's taking way too much out of you.
    I don't know how severe your disabilities are--diabetes and heart are typed in--but I'm thinking that you need to get out of the house
    to walk, swim, ride a bike (stationery or real) or something, just to get some fresh air and get your body and mind working together again.
    I often end up at the bookstore, or walking around the yard, just to get away from it all. It really does help.
    (Occasionally the bathroom is a decent hiding place, but g'sfg can pound on the door and ruin your peace.)

    Take care of yourself. If you aren't in therapy for yourself, sign up. You can vent all you want, and the therapist may have some good ideas for placements for difficult child, too. Lots of therapists have sliding scale fees.
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2010