Hello and Update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by outtahere, May 17, 2013.

  1. outtahere

    outtahere New Member

    Hi Everyone,
    I am the mother to a 22 year old boy who struggled with ADHD and anger while growing up and as time has gone on it is apparent that he has Bipolar Disorder. He is always angry. He has changes of mood from moment to moment--he thinks he will make millions (he is unemployed due to anger problems) one minute and then he becomes depressed and angry over so many things. He does not believe anything is wrong with him. I was on this site for a short time many years ago due to problems with school and Learning Disability (LD). I homeschooled him, but he didn't do well at all. He blames me and others for everything wrong with his life. I am tired. I need advice on how to get him to admit to his anger issues and know that he needs help. I have called the police on him before. I think he is soon to go to jail for fighting as his anger is escalating towards others. If he goes to jail I plan on leaving him there--one, no money and two, he would be guilty I have no doubt. He is very immature for his age. He lives in our finished basement at the moment. He gets frustrated with me, but no violence yet. I think he will have a very hard life for himself, no matter what. Do they ever figure out they need help before they end up in jail or other? Thanks for this site. I have been a lurker off and on for years since my son got older.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can't make him admit it. You can't control him in any way. But you can control what you do about it.

    I think you should post on Parent Emeritus where we are all dealing with grown adult children. This forum is for parents of minor age children.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Outtahere, welcome. You've arrived at a safe place where many of us can understand and have empathy for your plight. You may also want to put your post over in Parent Emeritus, where those of us who have adult kids spend most of our time............

    I'm not sure there are any certain answers to your question, 'do they figure it out?'........each of us has their own complicated story with our kids and each of us has to learn ways to cope but more importantly ways to set boundaries and learn detachment skills. There is an article at the bottom of my post here about detachment which you may find helpful.

    Having kids with issues, whether anger, mental illness, substance abuse, etc. throws all "normal" parent choices overboard and we have to recreate that role to fit the circumstances we find ourselves in. It's not easy, but usually it's necessary. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, your son is at an age where you may really not be able to make a difference in whether he can "admit to his anger issues and recognize that he needs help." One of the interesting and dismal statistics about Bipolar disorder is that there is a very high percentage of folks who do not recognize that they have a disorder and if they do, they may or may not be medication compliant or in fact compliant in any way.

    Part of the journey for us as parents is to not only understand the issues our kids face, but to realize that we in fact, may be powerless to change anything. We cannot control the behavior of another human being, even our own children. We all try so hard and for so long because we love them and want them to be safe and successful and happy. But, ultimately, we cannot force that upon them, they have to choose it. Many of us here get to the point of having to detach from our kids and their behaviors in very strong and clear ways. We have to do that to protect ourselves and the rest of our families. And, so we can find solace and joy in spite of another's issues.

    It's a long road, it takes time to get through because of course we want to try every single avenue to help them...........and sometimes that leads to a dead end and we understand we can't go any further. You cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves, all you will succeed in doing is making yourself very upset, angry, frustrated, resentful and sad.

    I am really sorry you had to look for us, but now that you're here, let us know more about you...........if it feels right, put a signature at the bottom of your post, as you see in our posts so we can recall who you are and offer you the most support. It helps to vent and communicate with others who feel the same way you do. It helps to get yourself some outside help, either in groups like NAMI groups,( National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online-they are an excellent resource for us parents)............or if it works for you, find a good therapist so you can learn tools to cope, detach, set boundaries and accept what you cannot change. It's tough. But you can find your way through it all. Keep yourself well supported, do things that make you happy and bring you peace. And, remember, at some point in your journey, you may need to distance yourself from your son, whether he forces a jail sentence or you decide you just don't want to live walking on eggshells in your home. I wish you peace................and send you hugs....
  4. outtahere

    outtahere New Member

    Thank you for the replies. I will go to the parent emeritus in the future due to his age, wasn't sure. Thanks for the insight, recoveringenabler. I know it must ultimately be his choice to accept he has a problem and needs help. No one wants to be told they have something different than their friends. He does not do drugs as far as I know, doesn't drink either--he already tried it all and walked away from it. Believe it or not, he actually joined a church and preaches to other people!! But his anger is interfering with that even. I am going to let him know that I still love him, and I will help him find a doctor, but it is up to him to make that choice. If he does something to land in jail, then that will be his choice as well. Thanks again for your replies!