Steely
Active Member
I feel sorta silly about popping in and saying hi after a year, and yet I was sitting at my computer today, and I felt deeply compelled to come back and be a part of this board. I know when I left I was feeling super sensitive to absolutely every thing and ever comment anyone might have had, and I apologize for those of you I may have annoyed or offended. I hope that feature about me has changed a bit, but if not, than I will "woman up" and deal with whatever criticism comes my way with grace, not anger.
Really a post could not encompass all that has happened in the last year - but for the sake of keeping everyone in the loop I will give you a bulleted list:
I will remain in bumkin AZ until I can reach and find my inner peace. I have incurred so many physical ailments in the last year due to stress, not to mention intensified depression, I know that if I don't not take a break I will break.
I think about you all often, and I am looking forward to catching up - if you will welcome me back into your club
Steely
Really a post could not encompass all that has happened in the last year - but for the sake of keeping everyone in the loop I will give you a bulleted list:
- I removed Matt from his last program after they forced him to sit in a hotel in "solitary confinement" until he did what he was supposed to. While in a hotel room for weeks on end he did some self mutilation, more drugs, etc. I pulled him out, and he chose to go back to Dallas to live with his Dad rather than move to AZ. He spent 4 more months doing drugs, as well as deciding to go off all his medication. After he basically lost his mind - and his Dad ditched him and stole all of his belongings - I finally convinced him to get on a plane to "see me" where I picked up the most suicidal delusional person I have ever come in contact with. I got him a place to stay here, and convinced him to go back on his medications. (That was a feat). He also got custody of his 2 dogs back (my babies that I had been keeping for him until he got out of programs). He is now in school, still on his medications, and is back to being the Matt I knew 5 years ago. He is sweet, kind, considerate, and although he still has many challenges - he is better than he has been in years. His dogs are a huge factor in his balance, as am I, who remains the only person to consistently love him throughout his 20 years. (FYI - He has his own place which is the only way this would work). I also think he did gain a huge measure of tenacity from his programs, if nothing else.
- Let's see - me. Well, I got fired in Sept. I got a new boss who hated everything about me, and vice a versa. She called me stupid, she stole things, lied, and was a complete abuser towards me. I should have quit months before I got fired. Interestingly I only got fired after I finally went to her boss to tell him about her charades - 5 days later I was canned. Which left me here in bumkin AZ with absolutely zero chances of finding a new career in retail management. (If you remember I moved to an extremely remote part of the US.) And this was 4 months after Matt moved here. I filed a charge with the EEOC over all of this.
- In August my Dad's brain cancer came back. He had been in remission 4 years - which is pretty unheard of with brain cancer. But - POW - the cancer came back with a vengeance. And then I got fired. I truly reached the biggest breaking point of my life when all of these collided. (Not to mention my 2 best friends I had here moved away at the same time.) I just broke. I finally I told my parents that I could not get a career and go on merrily about my way without being able to be part of my Dad's last moments of life. I also told them that I had to finish my book if I was ever to be whole. I knew I needed the healing that telling the rest of my life's story would bring - and I knew I needed to say goodbye to my dad like I could not my sister, if things were going to go forward in my life. They agreed, and wanted to support me. THANK GOD.
- I talked to my Dad last week, and he told me that he felt he had maybe a couple of weeks to live. I am flying up there this week. I have been going up once a month since this happened. I have to be there when he dies. I simply have to. Eerily my sister's death will be 3 years in a couple of weeks - some part of me tells me that my Dad is timing his exit around this.
- My dog of 15 years died in Oct, and my other 2 were now with Matt. Talk about LONELY. fired, no friends, Dad is dying AND no pets? I adopted a new puppy 2 weeks ago, Tesla. She is a sweetie - but OMG - high maintenance. She is a Shepherd mix and thinks the world is hers to devour. She is 10 weeks old.
I will remain in bumkin AZ until I can reach and find my inner peace. I have incurred so many physical ailments in the last year due to stress, not to mention intensified depression, I know that if I don't not take a break I will break.I think about you all often, and I am looking forward to catching up - if you will welcome me back into your club
Steely
