hearts and roses
Mind Reader
Hey everyone, how are you all doing? Someone tipped me off that Ive been missed! Ive been absent these past few months due to a variety of reasons. I was signed up for two classes but after the first class I thought it would be too overwhelming for me. There was a lot of work, the teacher seemed a bit psycho and caring for my mom, even though shes in a nursing home, was already overwhelming for me. So, I dropped one class and Ive not been myself. Let me explain
☺
This past winter has just been brutal more so than any other year I can recall, even my first alone in CT after my divorce some 19 years ago. Argh. I just declined and fell into a depression I was able to function, though it was difficult. The care of my mom, the schedule of visits and overseeing her care at the home was incredibly difficult and of course, working with my loco sister to that end didnt make it any easier. The fact is, my sister is a real pita. At least I dont beat myself up anymore over not wanting to spend with her at least any time other than required!
And then Is it normal to fantasize about your funeral? The music that will be played, where it will be held, the guests, who will cook, who will get my most personal belongings, who will read my diaries and what will they think, etc? I think everyone at one time or another imagines their wake/funeral, etc., but I was taking it to a new level. Sometimes when listening to my iPod, I still make mental notes to remove a song or two because I wouldnt want it played at my funeral, lol (prior to this period in my life, I told H, PC23, PC21, & loco sister to just play my iPod at the service when I died sick). Anyway, things like that were running through my head almost daily along with ideas of how much better I would feel if I were just dead. Oh, that looks terrible to see it in writing. When I thought like that, I wasnt even sad, just very matter of fact. I still sort of think these things, but try not to let it freak me out. The Wellbutrin XL has helped keep me stable, but still no sense of joy I mean JOY. You know when you try to pump yourself up into a good mood? I try to stick to my idea of always finding something to be thankful for EVERYDAY, and often post something uplifting on my Facebook as a reminder to myself, but it doesnt always work. But I try. In addition OR perhaps because of the depression or vice versa, I had some strange inflammatory stuff going on that caused my DR to order all sorts of wonderful tests, blood work, ultrasounds, you name it. It was a real bother, but I was inflamed and in pain, so I went along with it. Ive also had one LONG steady sinus infection and seem to have caught just about every cold within a 10 mile radius lol. I have since FINALLY dropped my Dr and got a new one, who I am hoping is better since shes a REAL DR and not an APRN and shes also an internal Dr. Ive only met her once but she seems good. difficult child also signed up for the new Dr and likes her a lot shes gone a few times. So during all this, time just plodded on and school was interesting even if work was boring.
H and I are a shaky okay, not in the way of were hanging in there, but were truly okay if not for a few missing components to what a normal marriage would seem. I can live with that for now. I mean, the man suffers from SAD every year, so it doesnt help that I am not there to be a support for him in any way, shape or form as per usual. Ive been preoccupied lately with trying to arrange mini getaways for us, to no avail. Hes been very resistant to the idea. I am also making plans with easy child for a week away in August which I cannot wait for. I have almost resigned myself to the fact that I may be traveling with my daughters, sisters or friends for the rest of my life as H really doesnt like to travel anymore and I am finding that I enjoy it quite a bit!
My moms situation has improved, shes settled in of course, just as loco sister and I were making arrangements to send her back to PA for various reasons shes made a friend. So, now what do we do? Do we send her back because she seemed happier in PA and had MANY friends, including a boyfriend but only one person to visit her or do we keep her here where she has ONE friend, a crappy roommate, lots of hours of solitude but a lot of people to visit her? WWYD? Im still on the fence and hoping that once Spring is here things will improve. At least the staff is nicer now that shes been there a few months and they let her foul mouth roll off. Haha.
I dont spend too much time worrying about my girls. They are adults and make their own choices. I may not always agree with them, but this winter has allowed me, albeit through depression, to focus even more on me and H rather than them and their stuff. easy child broke it off with her boyfriend, you may recall he was a very cute, but a pothead and not very motivated 28 year old. difficult child is living with her boyfriend the 30 year old father of two young boys with an ex who is psycho. Thats her burden to bear, I told her she could move back home if she wanted to since things have been rocky between them, but she wont leave her dog (I am allergic so she cant bring another dog home!). So, that is what it is.
Despite the long ill winter, I am still here and Spring is trying (not hard enough in my opinion) to eke her way into the northeast wish shed hurry it up already. I see the greens of crocus and daffodils and tulips trying to make their way up through the frozen earth and thats uplifting to me. Its finding the nice things in the everyday that help, you know? Im involved in planning vacations and getaways for me and my girls (and H if I can drag his ***** with me) and at work were getting ready for our Summer events, which I do most of the planning for. I am deciding on classes for the Summer and Fall, not sure if I want to load up for the Summer or even Fall, as I dont want to overwhelm myself. And Im trying to take on line classes so I dont waste gas traveling to and from campus, which is 20 miles away. Oh, and I also joined the gym to both lose weight and get into shape but also as a healthy release. And I broke down and bought a tanning package for the light therapy, it helps. I know all about the risks, so please right now I just want to feel better.
So, those ar the primary reasons I've been missing in action...I have nothing to offer anyone and needed the time to be miserable I guess, lol. Anyway, that's my update for the most part. This would be a book if I spilled it all. Thanks for the inquiries nice to be missed. Love you all~
Soon I will take some time to catch up with what's going on with everyone and post again. Hugs.
This past winter has just been brutal more so than any other year I can recall, even my first alone in CT after my divorce some 19 years ago. Argh. I just declined and fell into a depression I was able to function, though it was difficult. The care of my mom, the schedule of visits and overseeing her care at the home was incredibly difficult and of course, working with my loco sister to that end didnt make it any easier. The fact is, my sister is a real pita. At least I dont beat myself up anymore over not wanting to spend with her at least any time other than required!
And then Is it normal to fantasize about your funeral? The music that will be played, where it will be held, the guests, who will cook, who will get my most personal belongings, who will read my diaries and what will they think, etc? I think everyone at one time or another imagines their wake/funeral, etc., but I was taking it to a new level. Sometimes when listening to my iPod, I still make mental notes to remove a song or two because I wouldnt want it played at my funeral, lol (prior to this period in my life, I told H, PC23, PC21, & loco sister to just play my iPod at the service when I died sick). Anyway, things like that were running through my head almost daily along with ideas of how much better I would feel if I were just dead. Oh, that looks terrible to see it in writing. When I thought like that, I wasnt even sad, just very matter of fact. I still sort of think these things, but try not to let it freak me out. The Wellbutrin XL has helped keep me stable, but still no sense of joy I mean JOY. You know when you try to pump yourself up into a good mood? I try to stick to my idea of always finding something to be thankful for EVERYDAY, and often post something uplifting on my Facebook as a reminder to myself, but it doesnt always work. But I try. In addition OR perhaps because of the depression or vice versa, I had some strange inflammatory stuff going on that caused my DR to order all sorts of wonderful tests, blood work, ultrasounds, you name it. It was a real bother, but I was inflamed and in pain, so I went along with it. Ive also had one LONG steady sinus infection and seem to have caught just about every cold within a 10 mile radius lol. I have since FINALLY dropped my Dr and got a new one, who I am hoping is better since shes a REAL DR and not an APRN and shes also an internal Dr. Ive only met her once but she seems good. difficult child also signed up for the new Dr and likes her a lot shes gone a few times. So during all this, time just plodded on and school was interesting even if work was boring.
H and I are a shaky okay, not in the way of were hanging in there, but were truly okay if not for a few missing components to what a normal marriage would seem. I can live with that for now. I mean, the man suffers from SAD every year, so it doesnt help that I am not there to be a support for him in any way, shape or form as per usual. Ive been preoccupied lately with trying to arrange mini getaways for us, to no avail. Hes been very resistant to the idea. I am also making plans with easy child for a week away in August which I cannot wait for. I have almost resigned myself to the fact that I may be traveling with my daughters, sisters or friends for the rest of my life as H really doesnt like to travel anymore and I am finding that I enjoy it quite a bit!
My moms situation has improved, shes settled in of course, just as loco sister and I were making arrangements to send her back to PA for various reasons shes made a friend. So, now what do we do? Do we send her back because she seemed happier in PA and had MANY friends, including a boyfriend but only one person to visit her or do we keep her here where she has ONE friend, a crappy roommate, lots of hours of solitude but a lot of people to visit her? WWYD? Im still on the fence and hoping that once Spring is here things will improve. At least the staff is nicer now that shes been there a few months and they let her foul mouth roll off. Haha.
I dont spend too much time worrying about my girls. They are adults and make their own choices. I may not always agree with them, but this winter has allowed me, albeit through depression, to focus even more on me and H rather than them and their stuff. easy child broke it off with her boyfriend, you may recall he was a very cute, but a pothead and not very motivated 28 year old. difficult child is living with her boyfriend the 30 year old father of two young boys with an ex who is psycho. Thats her burden to bear, I told her she could move back home if she wanted to since things have been rocky between them, but she wont leave her dog (I am allergic so she cant bring another dog home!). So, that is what it is.
Despite the long ill winter, I am still here and Spring is trying (not hard enough in my opinion) to eke her way into the northeast wish shed hurry it up already. I see the greens of crocus and daffodils and tulips trying to make their way up through the frozen earth and thats uplifting to me. Its finding the nice things in the everyday that help, you know? Im involved in planning vacations and getaways for me and my girls (and H if I can drag his ***** with me) and at work were getting ready for our Summer events, which I do most of the planning for. I am deciding on classes for the Summer and Fall, not sure if I want to load up for the Summer or even Fall, as I dont want to overwhelm myself. And Im trying to take on line classes so I dont waste gas traveling to and from campus, which is 20 miles away. Oh, and I also joined the gym to both lose weight and get into shape but also as a healthy release. And I broke down and bought a tanning package for the light therapy, it helps. I know all about the risks, so please right now I just want to feel better.
So, those ar the primary reasons I've been missing in action...I have nothing to offer anyone and needed the time to be miserable I guess, lol. Anyway, that's my update for the most part. This would be a book if I spilled it all. Thanks for the inquiries nice to be missed. Love you all~
Soon I will take some time to catch up with what's going on with everyone and post again. Hugs.
good to see you!!!
