hearts and roses
Mind Reader
I'm sorry I haven't posted but I've been working through some things & have found it difficult to say the words that need to be said. I've been sending up lots of thoughts & prayers for all of you but I haven't really posted to anyone because of my own stuff.
I feel like I am full of poison right now & not of any good use to anyone. Ever feel like that?
Things with my H have not been very good. He's gone to counseling 3 times & as usual, came home and said, "I don't know about this guy"...which translates into, "I'm only going because you said I had to but I resent it" & then he proceeds to show me in various ways just how much he resents it each & every day through his words & actions. He's been so mean & vicious in the way he speaks to me. He's so angry with me & I know it's because I reaffirmed a boundary I have again, a couple of months ago. His counselor told him to tell me "to stop overseeing things with him alcoholism". Um, hmmm, I don't do that. I am well versed with AA & Al anon & I have detached from that behavior & I do not interefere in any way whatsoever with his 'recovery', which is a joke. So, what is H telling his counselor that would make him send me that message. And isn't that a bit odd anyway?
H's counselor suggested he see the on staff pyschiatrist for a medication evaluation. Well, H claims the DR said, "You are not someone I would put on medications. You don't need them, you're not depressed." Well, BS. H is CLEARLY depressed & I know that H went into that appointment with his happy face on. He's so afraid of taking medications, he refuses to even give them any consideration. I can't do anything about that.
H sleeps all the time. I mean he gets up at around 5:30 AM, walks & feeds the dogs, makes coffee, makes his lunch, & reads the paper while he has his coffee. Then he's off to work about 7AM and when he comes home at 5-ish, he showers, waits for dinner, eats, turns on the tv & passes out by about 8:30 on the couch. Finally, around midnight he will get up & go to bed. When he speaks, he's always complaining, about everything, from the guy at the gas station, about traffic, about politics, about friends, co-workers, everything. And my God, his attitude about money! He will actually put out his hand and ask me if I'm paying when we go out to eat. Or, if he does give me money for something, he will later bring it up over and over again. I've stopped accepting money from him.
This past week I helped out this kid who has been like a son to us. He's from the inner city & we met him years ago when he joined a project choice program in our state & was bussed in. He & my easy child are friends. Anyway, we love this young man whose family dropped him at 18, he's worked with H, worked for me in our yard & he's fended for himself along the way. He won scholarships to attend college & he works VERY hard. So, last week he called me because his wisdom teeth are coming in & he was in pain. He had an xray done & one of the teeth were impacted. He checked all the local dental clinics & they all were charging about $400 for the extraction. So I made a few calls for him & was able to procure an oral surgeon who would do the work pro-bono. I helped him out because I love him & I was worried about an absess. Anyway, I took off yesterday afternoon, took the kid to the surgeon & he came back to our house to chill afterward. H immediately started telling him, as he lay in a vicodin stupor on our couch, that now he owes us & will have to mow our lawn all summer. I told him he didn't & glared at H. I was seething. I didn't help out this young man to get something in return. Furthermore, H had nothing to do with it at all. In fact, he made derogatory comments to me in the days leading up to the surgery.
H comments negatively about everything having to do with me. I recently gave up meat as a means to clean out my body and feel healthier. I have joined a gym so I can work out better & more effectively. He makes snide comments about those things to me & to others in front of me! I know it's related to his own state of mind & his unhappiness with himself & depression, etc., but it still hurts. I am feeling really sad about it. H acts as if he's done no wrong, that I am just trying to find things wrong & over reacting. Then H will try to kiss me & you know what? I have NO desire whatsoever to be near him. None. Zilch, zero, nil.
Then, there is the issue of my mother. My mother is going to come up to CT & live with my sister & me. She will mostly be at my sister's, but she will also be with me. I think it's going to be sometime this summer. Am I a horrible daughter to feel sick about this burden? We're looking for a nursing home, her dementia has worsened still, but the good ones have waiting lists so in the meantime she needs to live with one of us. I am torn. I want to be a good daughter, but I have so much other sh!t going on that I'm feeling so, I don't even know what. Between H & the continuing, ongoing BS with difficult child, it feels like too much at this time.
Of course, the difficult child stuff. H has given her ultimatum after ultimatum but then never follows through. I know that in part it's because of his own addictive personality-he has a hard time making a decision & sticking with it-typical for an addict or child of an addict (his dad is an alcoholic). Anyway, so difficult child still has no job, no prospects, still has her car, & is still with monkeyboy. Monkeyboy also has no job or car or prospects. She comes home stoned & sometimes belligerant & everytime I try to enforce our useless contract, H steps in the way. So, what are we left with? An 18 year old difficult child who comes & goes as she pleases, barely contributes to the home, is fast becoming a pothead & is unemployed. I am actually taking Thursday off from work so that I can show her HOW to apply for a job. I think that has been a part of the problem. She hasn't ever gone for a REAL job - it's always been little piddly retail jobs. easy child took a class in her senior year about all that stuff, difficult child's school didn't have that course. So, I'm going to give it a shot. But this is my last attempt & I've told her so.
Last week I smashed a bong & a pipe I found in her drawer, & this week I flushed a small stub of a joint, a roach, I found in another drawer. She still hasn't asked about any of it.
So, I wouldn't say that I'm not coping well, I think I am. But to be able to post positively & offer any real words or advice, hope or wisdom has escaped me for the moment. I appreciate the good thoughts sent my way & I will be around.
I feel like I am full of poison right now & not of any good use to anyone. Ever feel like that?
Things with my H have not been very good. He's gone to counseling 3 times & as usual, came home and said, "I don't know about this guy"...which translates into, "I'm only going because you said I had to but I resent it" & then he proceeds to show me in various ways just how much he resents it each & every day through his words & actions. He's been so mean & vicious in the way he speaks to me. He's so angry with me & I know it's because I reaffirmed a boundary I have again, a couple of months ago. His counselor told him to tell me "to stop overseeing things with him alcoholism". Um, hmmm, I don't do that. I am well versed with AA & Al anon & I have detached from that behavior & I do not interefere in any way whatsoever with his 'recovery', which is a joke. So, what is H telling his counselor that would make him send me that message. And isn't that a bit odd anyway?
H's counselor suggested he see the on staff pyschiatrist for a medication evaluation. Well, H claims the DR said, "You are not someone I would put on medications. You don't need them, you're not depressed." Well, BS. H is CLEARLY depressed & I know that H went into that appointment with his happy face on. He's so afraid of taking medications, he refuses to even give them any consideration. I can't do anything about that.
H sleeps all the time. I mean he gets up at around 5:30 AM, walks & feeds the dogs, makes coffee, makes his lunch, & reads the paper while he has his coffee. Then he's off to work about 7AM and when he comes home at 5-ish, he showers, waits for dinner, eats, turns on the tv & passes out by about 8:30 on the couch. Finally, around midnight he will get up & go to bed. When he speaks, he's always complaining, about everything, from the guy at the gas station, about traffic, about politics, about friends, co-workers, everything. And my God, his attitude about money! He will actually put out his hand and ask me if I'm paying when we go out to eat. Or, if he does give me money for something, he will later bring it up over and over again. I've stopped accepting money from him.
This past week I helped out this kid who has been like a son to us. He's from the inner city & we met him years ago when he joined a project choice program in our state & was bussed in. He & my easy child are friends. Anyway, we love this young man whose family dropped him at 18, he's worked with H, worked for me in our yard & he's fended for himself along the way. He won scholarships to attend college & he works VERY hard. So, last week he called me because his wisdom teeth are coming in & he was in pain. He had an xray done & one of the teeth were impacted. He checked all the local dental clinics & they all were charging about $400 for the extraction. So I made a few calls for him & was able to procure an oral surgeon who would do the work pro-bono. I helped him out because I love him & I was worried about an absess. Anyway, I took off yesterday afternoon, took the kid to the surgeon & he came back to our house to chill afterward. H immediately started telling him, as he lay in a vicodin stupor on our couch, that now he owes us & will have to mow our lawn all summer. I told him he didn't & glared at H. I was seething. I didn't help out this young man to get something in return. Furthermore, H had nothing to do with it at all. In fact, he made derogatory comments to me in the days leading up to the surgery.
H comments negatively about everything having to do with me. I recently gave up meat as a means to clean out my body and feel healthier. I have joined a gym so I can work out better & more effectively. He makes snide comments about those things to me & to others in front of me! I know it's related to his own state of mind & his unhappiness with himself & depression, etc., but it still hurts. I am feeling really sad about it. H acts as if he's done no wrong, that I am just trying to find things wrong & over reacting. Then H will try to kiss me & you know what? I have NO desire whatsoever to be near him. None. Zilch, zero, nil.
Then, there is the issue of my mother. My mother is going to come up to CT & live with my sister & me. She will mostly be at my sister's, but she will also be with me. I think it's going to be sometime this summer. Am I a horrible daughter to feel sick about this burden? We're looking for a nursing home, her dementia has worsened still, but the good ones have waiting lists so in the meantime she needs to live with one of us. I am torn. I want to be a good daughter, but I have so much other sh!t going on that I'm feeling so, I don't even know what. Between H & the continuing, ongoing BS with difficult child, it feels like too much at this time.
Of course, the difficult child stuff. H has given her ultimatum after ultimatum but then never follows through. I know that in part it's because of his own addictive personality-he has a hard time making a decision & sticking with it-typical for an addict or child of an addict (his dad is an alcoholic). Anyway, so difficult child still has no job, no prospects, still has her car, & is still with monkeyboy. Monkeyboy also has no job or car or prospects. She comes home stoned & sometimes belligerant & everytime I try to enforce our useless contract, H steps in the way. So, what are we left with? An 18 year old difficult child who comes & goes as she pleases, barely contributes to the home, is fast becoming a pothead & is unemployed. I am actually taking Thursday off from work so that I can show her HOW to apply for a job. I think that has been a part of the problem. She hasn't ever gone for a REAL job - it's always been little piddly retail jobs. easy child took a class in her senior year about all that stuff, difficult child's school didn't have that course. So, I'm going to give it a shot. But this is my last attempt & I've told her so.
Last week I smashed a bong & a pipe I found in her drawer, & this week I flushed a small stub of a joint, a roach, I found in another drawer. She still hasn't asked about any of it.
So, I wouldn't say that I'm not coping well, I think I am. But to be able to post positively & offer any real words or advice, hope or wisdom has escaped me for the moment. I appreciate the good thoughts sent my way & I will be around.
Although, I was worried more about your easy child daughter and was worried something had happened with her. How is she doing, by the way? Is she feeling any better?
