Hello my friends! I need advice....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Aug 20, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am not making any calls to help difficult child out in any way.
    Each time I considered it, I reminded myself I had to let him suffer this one out. I have always rescued and I am learning that 'rescuing' is the easy way out. You make difficult child feel better because you are 'fixing' the problem and you feel better because you think you are 'proving' your love and devotion to your child.

    All rescuing on my part has amounted to difficult child thinking he can get away with what others are punished for doing.

    He is 18, he has to see that he can't continue this way, so I am totally out of it.

    He wants us to 'talk'. He has been building on this the last 2 times we have talked. He has said exactly what I want hear and has tried to put the ball in my court several times in regards to what happens now.

    I am going this coming sunday to visit.
    This is when he wants us to 'talk'

    I do not want to handle this wrong, any advice is greatly appreciated!

    I don't want to put any demands on him (you do this and you can get this sort of thing)

    My wish would be for him to WANT to attend the yr long program at Cannan Land, but that is my wish.

    I have to let him know that he can only show me the results now, all the promising to change means nothing.

    I always told him I would move a mountain for him if he was living right but I would not help him go down the wrong road,

    How do I handle this and stick to my word?

    He is clean now because he is locked up. He says he wants to change, but he can't show that where he is.

    Do I totally detach and let him struggle when he gets out? Do I give a hand up so that he can have an option other than running to difficult child buddies to have somewhere to live?

    Do I give him the Canaan land info and a list of rehabs, shelters and say call me when your straight and then I will move the mountain for you?

    NOTHING I HAVE EVER DONE HAS MADE A DIFFERENCE!!

    I have never been able to detach until recently and need advice with this...

    Traci
     
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I got lucky and don't have a child using drugs. So, do take any suggestions I make with a large grain of salt.

    I would give him the information that would keep him away from his old friends -- that is, rehabs and shelters. I would then tell him that he had burned me once too often and I now needed a little more than just words before I could do any more. If he really wants to be clean, he should be asking for your help getting into Canaan or any other rehab he thinks appropriate. I would be willing to help him find out what he needs to do to get into one but no more. I would definitely let him know that you would not help financially nor let him come back home until you are sure he is clean and going to try to stay that way. I would give him all the emotional support I could.

    Other than that, I think you've already said it all and have truly made your decision. It sounds like a good decision given the facts.

    HUGS
     
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You are already halfway there, knowing going in that you want to stand firm, and I believe that you will do well.

    Try looking at it as boundaries for yourself, as opposed to rules for him, that you want to set. Write them down ahead of time if you need to.

    Listen. Hear what he has to say. Take notes if you have to! Sounds silly, but look at it as a business venture. And have your game face on. He needs to know that he needs to prove himself to you and earn your trust back; this is not a matter of you giving him your trust one more time for him to destroy.

    You have come leaps and bounds. Take a look back at how far you have come, and don't let that get away from you.

    Keep coming back here for doses of strength along the way!
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tell me more about Canaan Land please.

    Is it something that the courts would order in place of doing time? Or could a person go there if they got probation? Where is it?

    The problem I can foresee is the length of time away from Keyana. Mine is adamant about not being gone that long from her...sigh.
     
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Janet, Cory not going into a program because he doesn't want to be away from Keyana that long???? He's not thinking that when he commits crimes and will be put in jail???? Sounds like a cop out to me.....sorry if I was blunt, but sounds exactly like what my difficult child would say......
     
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    good words, meowbunny

    I let ant come home here after he got out of jail. I told him as long as he did the right thing, he could stay.

    it took a few months for him to regress to drinking and womanizing.

    not in my house. I threw him out at the 6 month mark, probably three months longer than I should have. he is still womanizing and drinking and we are waiting for that summons to come for his 4th DUI.

    no one can change these kids. they know what they need to do. toughlove shows them they can live how they want but they cannot drag us along anymore.

    give him the info and tell him you will be there AFTER he completes a program. ant still wont get help, wont even take the anti-anxiety pills the doctor prescribed.

    you can lead a horse to water......
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just found it online. It looks like a very good program. I am going to talk to him about it.
     
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You give a hand up to a person that has earned it and worked hard for the respect that a hand up requires. Otherwise it is a gift - with no strings attached. And most likely is harmful more than helpful. If he does not earn it he learns nothing.

    Tell him in one year if he is doing well - define that in your own standards; own place to live, own car, full time job, etc. You will help him X; get a car, go to college or whatever it is that seems impossible to him at this time.

    He MUST make the decisions about his future. You see if he makes the decisions he has nobody to blame for the failures but himself. As long as you help or suggest or hand up - he can find blame in others; ie: YOU. And he never turns it on himself like he should.
    He needs to know that his life path is in his own hands now. You should certainly explain to him that each decision he makes impacts his life - just as he has seen from this experience.
    I would probably use his dad as an example of the way his life could be at 40. OR he can make better decisions.
     
  9. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">You are already halfway there, knowing going in that you want to stand firm, and I believe that you will do well.

    Try looking at it as boundaries for yourself, as opposed to rules for him, that you want to set. Write them down ahead of time if you need to.

    Listen. Hear what he has to say. Take notes if you have to! Sounds silly, but look at it as a business venture. And have your game face on. He needs to know that he needs to prove himself to you and earn your trust back; this is not a matter of you giving him your trust one more time for him to destroy.

    You have come leaps and bounds. Take a look back at how far you have come, and don't let that get away from you.

    Keep coming back here for doses of strength along the way! </div></div>


    I was going to quote a line or two from BBK's posting, but it was all so exactly the right thing to say. I especially liked the part about setting boundaries for ourselves as opposed to using our interactions with our grown children to establish a set of rules for them.

    That changed perception of the situation will give you strength going in.

    The other thing I would add is that this child did not start listening until you stopped chasing him down.

    Keep on the same page with husband, and try to keep easy child in the loop, too.

    I would present the information on Canaan. I would present any information I had on anything I thought might help difficult child to make a better choice. I would tell him I love him, tell him his situation breaks my heart, tell him I expected better from him than this and that he was raised better than this. If it were my son, I would be really clear about where the path he is following is going to take him, and I would let him know that I did not make the sacrifices I did as I was raising him for him to do this to me, now.

    He might not want to hear that ~ probably won't, in fact. But that is the truth.

    And this isn't a popularity contest.

    We were always so afraid to name what was really happening. Somewhere in the backs of our minds, I think we all believed (even difficult child) this could never really happen to us ~ and so, we never took it seriously enough to blast difficult child for what he was doing.

    Or to turn away from him without regret when he continued to do it.

    I will be thinking about you on Sunday, hearthope.

    You will do fine!

    Barbara
     
  10. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    no one can change these kids. they know what they need to do. toughlove shows them they can live how they want but they cannot drag us along anymore.
    </div></div>

    Truer words have never been spoken.
     
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That is so true. But it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I dont want anything to happen to him. I have tried so hard but nothing has worked so to let him go (like to let him go when you see that he is drowning) doesnt make any sense. I fear for him and me. I pray and pray but sometimes I just wish someone would tell me what to do and I would feel good about it! It is easier when I am not in the middle of the turmoil but I feel for him so much being there. I have never put myself before my children but now it is the hardest thing I have ever done so far.
     
  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I have not read any of the other answers, but I think you need to present the choices to him and leave it at that. Don't argue. Don't tell him which one you prefer. Don't even mention coming home and if he brings it up just let him know that until he is "well" that isn't an option. Presenting the information is not rescuing. Allowing him to come home before entering a long term program is. We allowed difficult child to come home too early. He was clean but that didn't last long. It's hard to change when all you've known and all you've been known as is a druggie....Every time I think I've detached enough to allow him to really suffer the consequences of his actions---I get sucked back in. I think it's the mommy heart.
     
  13. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I would stick to what you know is true in your past experiences with him.
    I would meet with him, listen to what he says, give him the info, and for yourself dont place any expectations. Dont expect anything in return, that is if he is really going to do this for himself.

    Jen
     
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you guys!

    I haven't had a good night's sleep since I told him I would come see him and we could talk.

    It helps so much to get the feedback from all of you. I still question so many things. His age scares me. I find myself saying he is only 18, how can I just detach? Then, I know that the reality is he will never change if I keep 'fixing' his problems.

    This visit will be the toughest challenge yet. All the other visits were prosmises he made to change and me giving in and giving him a fresh start at home..

    I have heard all the prosmises. He knows my weakess points.

    I am drafting notes from my thoughts and from the responses you all have given.

    I am going in with full armour.

    I love him enough to do this for him, regardless of what it does to me in return.

    I will survive but if I don't let him suffer for his actions this time, he may not...

    Bless you all!

    I am so thankful to have you all to come to in this time of need!

    Traci
     
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Traci you sound just like me. I could have written your post. I will be thinking of you to be strong. I know how hard that is. But you are right. You do it because you love him and it gets to a point that there is nothing else to do but the hard thing. It is weird to let them suffer when all we want to do is keep them from it. That has been the hardest thing for me to learn. Good Luck.
     
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Traci you are so right. Nothing I ever did either made any difference. I know it is heartbreaking and you will even think did you make the right decision but you are. You will be strong because you love him. I know what you are going through and you have all our support~!
     
  17. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Remember Traci:

    :warrior:
     
  18. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    BBK ~ I need :warrior: :warrior: :warrior: :warrior: :warrior: :warrior: :warrior: :warrior: :warrior:

    This many!!!!!!!!


    :whew:

    Traci
     
  19. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Traci,

    While our difficult child's are different with their problems, they are still difficult child's. We just offered our difficult child a hand up, we really thought she had sunk to her bottom and wanted a way out.

    Other posters have given you excellent advice, your sons life lies squarely on his and only on his shoulders. You can offer a gazillion things, throw money at him, give him opportunities, beg, plead, support, and even carve out a path for him, but until HE and ONLY HE wants a better life and struggles HIMSELF to find his way and achieve, you will be setting yourself and him up for prolonged pain if you participate and set things up for him. HE has to want it and take the action to make it happen. You can't do this for him.

    I wish you much strength and peace in the days ahead.
     
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