Hello, update from my he**

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tpcmom, Aug 19, 2007.

  1. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    Well, don't know where to start, I'll just try and make it brief.

    I've been seeing a grief counsel, 2 x's so far he is nice, he has helped some bit. Want my boys to go too. I'm still not much better, my heart hurts every day. I've found an online place to to go. I write him a journal every night, telling him about the day or how much I miss him and I try to include a nice memory each time. I went to the grave site first time, I cried so hard I hurt so bad. It's just enourmous the pain. My ex already cut my child support off, can you believe it, just one month, well no one under 18 lives there anymore! My easy child is going to college what about that, but to do this so soon, it's amazing how you see how people really are after a tragedy. My b/f of almost 9 years abondoned me too, he is grieving and not taking this well, so that means you can't call me or come and see us to see how WE are doing, how WE are grieving and the pain WE are in, I am so upset with him, I know me and him will never be the same, I actually don't even want to see him He never called my boys to see if they needed anything or to talk to them or nothing. My neighbors have been more supportive than my own b/f has been. He thinks that I should comfort him, and call him to see how HE is doing. I told him he would never know what I feel like, no one can unless they've lost a child the pain you feel inside you, he never had his own children, and I do understand he cared and loved Tim, but really to cut me and my boys off, not calling, sending e-mails on HOW he is feeling, please!!! This has hurt me so badly, I just can't belive what I've been going thru, but it will never top the chart of losing my baby, I'm almost numb to what the rest of my life is going thru.

    My oldest difficult child had pre-conference hearing last Thurs. he was up all night, I know he was worried,scared ect. but he was a total jerk to me. Well they postponed it for 2 weeks, his atty wants to talk to the DA. Wants to make sure they realized that difficult child just lost his little brother. I told atty he needs help, not a prison sentence, that would be a death sentence to him right now to him.

    So we wait 2 more weeks for that.

    easy child got a new job to work part time while he is going to school. Only good news Ihave to report.

    We are doing car washes to build up some money for the reward fund I started. Soon I can go to the Citizen's Crime Commission and have this aired on TV, like Crime Stoppers, etc. and putting posters around. We did one last week and my Tim's friends really had a good time, they said he was probably looking down from heaven laughing his butt off at them. It was good therapy for his friends and my neighbors.

    Well keep me in your prayers and my family and hope things can start lifting a bit for all of us. I know my pain will never go away and that my life will never be the same, but I do hope God can grant us more peace in our lives elsewhere then to keep having things thrown at us.

  2. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    oh Bette, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain. Where we live there is also a greif center for siblings. A group thing. Your kids must be going through enormous pain also.

    They will find the person. Not soon enough.

    Take care. You will be in my prayers.
  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I cannot imagine either. You are in my thoughts. I think about it with my son and how I will handle it if something happens to him. Can you share anything more about the circumstances? If you cannot I understand it is way too painful. Just be assured that you are in our prayers. Keep sharing. :flower:
  4. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    (((HUGS))) you are going through too much right now. It doesn't help that your boyfriend is staying away.

    Alex died almost 16 months ago. I am glad to report that I can have some peaceful days, even weeks, however, when I have a grief filled day, the pain is so deep, it can bring me to my knees. Your heart hurting all the time is normal, Tim just died. You are right, the pain of losing our children never goes away. I think the pain filled days are not as frequent as time goes on, I don't know really. Last month I fell into the grief pit and stayed for almost a week. It was like my insides were constantly tossing and turning unable to find peace. Since then, I have felt pretty good,but I am waiting for the bad days, they always come. I guess this is how our life will be without our boys. I call the grief pains like labor pains in reverse. It's like I can be standing in line in a grocery store, and I can feel the pain start building it gets worse and worse till I am doing deep breathing to try to keep the tears away, it doesn't work, the tears fall so I just brush them away.

    I'm glad to know that your easy child has found a job and is going to college. Good for him!

    Sorry your back to the waiting game with your difficult child. Your heart is also broken in regards to your difficult child. Worrying about him isn't helping right now.

    As always your family is in my thoughts. I will be hoping that a little bit of peace finds it's way to you.

    Take Care,
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you found a site that is helping you. If it is a site
    that might help a grieving senior citizen who suddenly lost an
    adult child, please PM me with the information. The lady is
    isolating herself in her grief and losing alot of weight. She
    is my sisters best friend.

    What a shame that you are having to cope with your Ex and your long term boyfriend at the same time that you need support. Sure wish
    there was something more concrete we could do on the Board but
    perhaps it is helpful to know that we all sincerely hope you will
    post as much and as often as you feel up to it. Lots of prayers
    have been directed your way. DDD
  6. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Bette, is the site you found the one I told you about??

    Just curious, if you found a different one you like, let me know. I am always looking out for them.

    DDD, mychildlossgrief.com has parents as members that have lost children at any age. Your sisters friend will be welcome with open arms.
  7. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member


    I have not responded to the loss of your son. I am so very sorry! I pray justice will be served and that you and your family will find peace in your lives. I just cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. You have all the support and compassion that I can offer you cyberly. Shalom! :crying:
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bette, no major decisions in your life right now. No defense of boyfriend - except to know that one of the lessons I learned after I lost my son is that people certainly grieve differently and it does not have to make any sense at all.
    You are more of a priority over boyfriend though. You and your sons. boyfriend will either come around or not.

  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Bette, I am so sorry but I know you have to go thru this journey on your own timeline.

    your boyfriend makes me mad! grr you need to be held and loved and kissed. when my son died, I started to hate my then husb in my heart as he never agknowledged my grief, acted like nothing happened and went on with his life. meanwhile I was frozen with so much grief that in a few short weeks I quit a long standing job, and started a new one. I felt no one wanted to listen to me anymore and I could not understand them simply going on with their lives as if nothing happened. I remember a song I heard them and it was how I felt:
    it is called "the end of the world"
    why do the stars go on shining, why do these eyes of mine cry
    dont they know its the end of the world?
    it ended when you said goodbye...

    I felt alone in my grief.
    I felt the cards stopped coming, the people stopped calling, and he was all I had and he was gone. I had no other kids at the time. I cant even imagine being able to comfort or care for any other kids the way you have to do.

    your ex is a jerk and good riddance to him.
    call your boyfriend and tell him you need a hug now and if he cant think of you in your grief this may be the last he hears from you.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I've been trying to come up with a way to gently word what I wanted to say to you all day. Busywend put it very eloquently. Different people DO grieve differently. You r boyfriend is hurting very much too, and at this point, he cannot see past hit hurt to comfort right now. I am happy for you that you have this site and your grieving groups to lean on.

    Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Big hugs for your aching mommy heart.
  11. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    I am so very sorry hon. :frown: I'm sorry I wasn't here to offer support when it happened. I can't imagine your pain but my heart aches for you and you all will be in my prayers. I am glad you are getting help. We all handle grief in our own way and being gentle with yourself is so important. I have no other words... just hugs. :frown:
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry b/f has turned wishy washy when you need him most. I know that must be so hard on you with everything else.

    Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  13. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    Thank you all for your kind words, I appreciate it.

    I don't remember which sites I went to but the one I found seems really good:


    I'm not sure if I have it linked right or not.

    I searched a lot of places, I don'r remember too much lately.

    gottalovem you said in words what I feel, I have not had many happy days, every day I still cry. When I go to the supermarket I cry when I pick up his favorite snacks. I cry when I make dinner only putting 3 plates out, I cry all the time. Music I hear, just like you Janet, I heard that song! What, maybe 2 weeks ago, I cried and cried. I think I was at a store when I heard it on their radio.

    As for b/f, well I told him before that I knew he cared and loved Tim and that we all grieve in our own way, but he feels that his pain is deeper than mine which boggles my mind and hurts my heart, he had no children so he could not possibly understand the pain a mother feels when something like this happens to their child. I'm very upset with him and it may be the end of our relationship. It doesn't seem like much more pain could cause what I am going thru anyway. It's almost like you cannot do more to me that could hurt any worse than what I feel now. With my job changes, b/f, cut my child support off, my oldest difficult child going thru these charges, etc. but these are nothing compared to losing Tim. I go day to day, seemingly ok, but inside I feel my insides churning and churning, and the tears wanted to flow and I hold it back, I go to the rest room and let it out or I could just be watching TV, and just start sobbing uncontrollably, it just overcomes you at anytime, anywhere.

    And I thank you for all listening and just being there, because coming here, talking with my family and friends, is the only thing that is keeping me going. I would never have made it this far, and I am glad that I can keep getting up every morning and going thru the day no matter how bad it is and how bad my heart hurts because of my other sons.

  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Bette, if you want, tell us some things about Tim that we might not know. What was his favorite color? What always made him laugh? What habit drove you nuts that you remember with fondness now? Things like that.

    When I have lost loved ones it has helped me to talk about him/her. If you think it would help, we are here to listen. Anytime.

  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    That is a wonderful idea, Suz.
  16. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    Suz, I'd love the tell you a bit about him.

    When Tim was about 7 he was diagnosis'd with bipolar. Up until about 4 years ago he had a real struggle. Then he had a weight problem. I got him a trampoline that he was on day and night, and boy he lost a lot of weight and become more self assured. What a difference. all the girls started talking to him and calling him. He had a lot of friends, but they stayed at my house most of the time. He loved playing xbox 360, lifting weights, and playing on the computer. He was a homebody and pretty shy. But his smile lit the room and he had big beautiful blue eyes, the only one who kept the blue eyes out of my boys. He had a contagious laugh, one time we went to the movies and this one part which was sort of funny, but no one in the theater laughed, until Tim got the joke about 20 seconds later and burst out laughing so hard, he got the whole theater laughing! He went with me everywhere, and always had to bring a friend, even to his therapy meetings one of his friends would go with us and they would sit out in the waiting room, LOL. He had to have one of his friends sleep over every weekend because "it was good to have someone to hang with when you wake up" and every weekend he did. I used to tease him that he was like a girl with sleep overs every weekend and he'd just smile and say one day I'll stop. He loved animals especially cats, his favorite was Angel who he said followed him like a dog (which she did). He didn't watch to much TV, mostly movies or he was playing xbox his favorite game was Oblivian III, he even begged for the same game on the computer. He was very obsessive, when he got something in his mind he couldn't let it go, like he wanted a book and he'd bug me and bug me until we would finally go get that book because he couldn't stop thinking about it. Used to drive me crazy! But that could have been a bipolar trait LOL.

    Tim was talking about how when I got him into a trade school he would learn a new trade, maybe car mechanic, and he would have a good job and get a nice house, get married and have 2 kids. He would get a Doberman Pinsher and not a sissy dog like I have now LOL. He would be able to give me money and help me pay my bills.

    I could go on and on, but now I'm starting to cry. Thank you for letting me do this, I needed to remember these things instead of what happened to him. I have to remember the good things because he was a great person.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Someone to hang with when he woke up! I love it! That is awesome!

    What was Tim's favorite food? Did he like rollercoasters?

    boyfriend seriously thinks he is more heartbroken then you? He must really love Tim. I bet he is not thinking clearly. Perhaps feeling guilty or blaming or something that did not occur to you.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Your boyfriend's hurt may also be a manifestation of his inability to fix the situation. Men are fixers. They want to fix everything. They aren't much for advice. On a day to day basis, they aren't much for idle chit chat or listening to the problems of life that one cannot do anything about. Tell them something that needs to be done, and they will do it. If they can't FIX it, or in your boyfriend's case, make you feel better, they think they failed as a man. He may be embarrassed and pulling away for that reason.

    Men just do not handle emotions well. Generally speaking. Again, not making excuses for him, just coming up with possible explanations for his behavior.

    Keep sharing about your son when you feel able to do so. It may be very theraputic. I completely enjoyed hearing about him.

    Continued prayers for your peace.
  19. tpcmom

    tpcmom New Member

    Yes, he was funny! He hated being alone. He loved Chinese Food, his favorite was fried chicken wings and fried banana's LOL, or shrimp fried rice, or General Tso's Chicken, that was his all time favorite. Anytime he had extra money, that's what he went and got, some chinese food! He love rollercoasters, we went to Dorney Park a few years back with his best friend and his mom, she took her daughter to all the kiddy rides and me, Tim and his best friend went from one roller coaster to the other, they would get off and get back in line, would ride each one like 5 times each! They'd run off, that was awsome, we're going back on and run back into the line again, I wound up sitting on benches the whole day at Dorney Park watching them go on and off roller coasters LOL.

    I never thought that maybe he felt some guilt. He never wanted to form to much relationshp with my boys, one mainly because he just never had kids and didn't know to well how to deal with difficult child'dom. It's not easy I know, I do give him some credit for trying. I really don't understand it at all. He keeps bringing up this one time we went down the shore and him and Tim were out in the water and the rip tide was really strong. Next thing you know is the life guards are running in the water, and I'm like what's going on, oh someone's drowning OMG Tim and b/f are in water, here the rip tide was pulling them out and they couldn't get back in, he kept saying I'd give my life for him that day so he wouldnt drown. I said I know you would have, but we need you here now, my other boys need you. He never even called them to see how they were doing or even just to say are you ok, need anything. That hurts.

    Maybe he thinks he could have been there more for Tim and realized he wasn't and feels guilty??? maybe???
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Anything is possible sweetie.

    Death brings out feelings and emotions that people never knew that they had. My brother in law died in an accident almost 8 years ago. he was 23, and obviously nobody expected it. He was my husband's youngest brother (youngest boy out of 5 boys) and my closest brother in law. I loved that kid. When he passed, I was in pieces. Moreso than when some of my own family members died. My mother in law went nuts. She is still a little crazy over his death. And my DEX was never the same either. He shut down. I am convinced that my brother in law's death contributed to our divorce, indirectly. it changed my DEX. It hardened him. I don't think he ever grieved properly.

    Keep talking and sharing. Grieving is different for everybody. But the important thing is that you DO grieve. Big hugs, Bette.