Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SaraJG, Feb 1, 2010.

  1. SaraJG

    SaraJG New Member

    I am a widowed mother of 4
    I have a 10 yr old boy who has some anger issues and more recently has tried some "attention grabbing" behaviour.
    Next is my 7 yr old boy who has been diagnosed O.D.D I spend a lot of time in apointments trying to find ways to deal with his outbursts
    My 5 yr old wants everyone to get along and bears the brunt of his brothers tempers .. not usually physically but emotionally
    his needs are very high always needing reassurance that he is loved
    Then my baby girl is 2
    she doesn't sleep anymore only from 10pm til 4 am
    I get very little sleep and am finding that I need a way to talk to others that have similar difficulties . I do belong to coping groups in the town I live but I find that the more information i can amass the better I feel and the calmer I am when dealing with the busy day to day I lead
    Hoping to meet new people who maybe cope with the difficulties that I do. Any and all Information is good .
    I find that the older my 7 yr old gets the worse it can get because now the outbursts are not just written off as tantrums. I have been coping with his behaviour since he was born. No one ever believed me that something was wrong till he started school.
    Now they have no way to not listen. I have neccessary daily meetings with the behaviour team at his school. I do find that at home his behaviour is more controlled but our home is less structured than school and with a routine to follow the tantrums are shorter and less extensive.
    I have read the Explosive Child and I do like the Plan B aspects but find them difficult to enforce at times of rush. ...which is usually when I need them most of course. I am currently reading Lost at School and am wondering if anyone has found any other research that may be of assistance
    Thank you for reading all this and possibly helping me understand how to better deal with my wonderful children
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Welcome Sara!

    Could you give a little more info on the kids (especially your 7 year old?). Has he been diagnosed for anything (anxiety, ADHD, ect) and by whom?

    Someone will come along with more specific questions.

    This morning, I want to just touch on one aspect of your post. Just a little thing in your huge dilema but one that is extremely hard and may take some sacrificing on everyone's part:

    "at times of rush"! That is a large one isn't it? We all feel at times that our kids know just the right moment to put us in a hurried stage. The bus will be here in 5 minutes - why do they choose THAT second to start the meltdown (I like the word meltdown instead of tantrum because to me it is a more positive explanation of what is happening).

    One thing you might be able to start working on (give more focus to) until more helpful suggestions arrive is time management. There are always ways to improve in this area - it really is a changing challenge as schedules change. With four kids, I am sure your schedule changes as their activities change.

    I don't have much of a schedule at home either, however, many kids do need more structure than we realize. Even if you tighten up the structure in one area (a morning routine perhaps) sometimes the tension of the unknown goes away. Stucture provides responsibility also. It may be hard for your 7 yr old to grasp but it may help the other kids to know what their brother will be asked to do. (I have a feeling your 10 yr old would also benefit)

    Out the door in the morning is one of the most rushed times for many people. I know when I "hurry" my kids, that is when troubles start. I can SEE my difficult child start to melt - it is just too much for him. He does not understand everything that I have to get together and sometimes my frustrations of running out of time is put onto him which is not fair to him. My answer to that is that we get ready early. The bus gets here at 7:45 so at 7:30, difficult child has to be dressed, know where his coat is, put on his shoes and be ready. It is the clock telling him to do this, not me. Hard for him to get angry with the clock. Clocks are constant, you can't argue with them and change them.

    For anything we do when the kids were little, I would strive to be ready 10 - 15 minutes ahead of time (sometimes 30 if it meant a long ride). We took our time and I treated my kids as guests in the house. Instead of "You ahve to be ready n 5 minutes" it was "We need to leave in 5 minutes, will that give you enough time?" I didn't sound so bossy and they felt more responsible. It gave a more relaxed atmosphere to the day.

    I mention sacrificing because for awhile, you may have to give up things in your time line to help your 7 year old cope and to send him the message that HE is important. Many kids think the bus is more important because that is what you are focusing on. If missing the bus is a result of a meltdown, let it be for awhile. You will be much calmer in dealing with the moment if your mind is not on catching the bus. Focus everything on him and helping him to calm down.

    The bus situation may not be one of yours but I use it as an example for everything else. Do you have a job that you can go into your supervisor and say, "For the next few weeks, I may be late to work as I work with my child - mornings are hard for him."? I think most work places can cooperate with a revised work schedule while you focus 100% on an issue at home?

    So, my suggestion would be to look at your daily, hourly schedule and come up with ways to slow it down. Put more time in between things so that you do not feel so rushed.

    Again, this is just a small area that may help.

    When working with the school or if it is brought up anywhere (family, friends, church, ect), try changing the word "Tantrum" to "Meltdown". I don't know how satisfied you are with the school's efforts but many people have a negative view on the word "Tantrum". Society sees a tantrum as a reaction for anger or "I want it MY way". Meltdown is viewed as the person being more overwhelmed with what is going on around them and needs to regroup. That will keep a more positive outlook of your son in these people's eyes.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Sara and welcome to the site!

    Sounds like your plate is really full! You also sound like a great mom who really loves her kids. You have found a great place to land - we understand!

    Next time you log on, please take a few minutes to do a profile signature like you see at the bottom of our posts. Follow the "User CP" link on the upper left of the page and go from there! We would like to get more information on your children's diagnosis's (especially the older two - stuff like what kind of docs they've seen, when they were diagnosis'd, what medications have been tried, family history of mental illness, etc.). This information really helps when offer suggestions and support. It also helps us keep or members straight in our minds!