Sweetie, I have not read all the advice, so pardon me if I repeat what others have said or ask a ?? that has been answered. I will read more in a minute.
First ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Whether we admit it or not, we all feel like this at times. Some of us struggle more than others with this issue. As a kid my mom had an unbreakable house rule. We could hate what a family member did, but we did NOT hate the family member. Growing up with that made this issue a lot easier for me than for many parents I know, esp my husband. Esp as I have a gfgbro who was awful to me and that was the ONE thing I was determined would NOT happen with my kids. Of course Wiz used to be a LOT like him, except Wiz hates sub abuse of any kind so he wasn't a 12yo alcoholic like my gfgbro (THANK GOD!!). There were a LOT of times I hated just about every waking thing Wiz did, but I always loved him, loved who I knew he was deep down under all the junk.
Now? He is once again much the little boy I had before the problems got bad and he became violent. ANd is so easy to love most of the time - both his actions (except NOT returning my calls, lol) and his person.
Now, I know he has been on medications. But Bipolar is a TOUGH thing to treat, esp with adhd in the mix. there is a protocol for treating bipolar. It is outlined in the book "The Bipolar Child" by papalous. If you haven't read this, you NEED to. If you have, re-read the medications section. You want 1 or 2 mood stabilizers and an antipsychotic at first. NO STIMS, decongestants, antidepressants, or other medications listed in the book as no-not otherwise specified. Why none of these? they cause mood cycling. The mood stabilizers have to be at a high enough level for 6 WEEKS before you can know if they work. As they must be titrated up slowly, it won't be easy. Esp if he has to come off other medications. It WILL be worth it if he is bipolar. We have adult members here who did the other medications and no mood stabilizers and with every one I can think of when they got off the no-no medications and gave the mood stab's and if needed an antipsychotic time to work, they ALL said it made a HUGE difference and that difference LASTED. WIth a kid you will need tweaking as he grows, but there is hope.
Once moods are stable, if the other problems are still there you can add SMALL amts of stims, antidepressants, etc. as needed. If they trigger cycling, you back off and try another once he is again stable.
One issue you may run into is a problem with the psychiatrist not wanting to follow this. I have NO clue why, but for some reason they want to jump to antidepressants and stims first even with a firm bipolar diagnosis or mood disorder not otherwise specified diagnosis. in my opinion it is just. plain. stupid. We had one doctor who thought he would re-diagnosis my son when my son does NOT have bipolar and would start him off on a regimen of stims and antidepressants only. Well, not only had 2 docs and a lot of testing ruled it out, if he wanted to do bipolar then he was doing an inpatient medication wash and starting the medications inpatient with the described regimen. It isn't one the author of the book dreamed up. It is the medication regimen that the board of adult psychiatrists and the board of child and adolescent psychiatrists recommend. It is what science has shown is effective. this guy mostly just watned to play and when he learned we were playing the game that worked (Wiz was stable, we changed docs because our doctor retired, not for any other reason), and he figured it would take more than the 3 mins he allotted for an appointment to discuss this with me, he just kept him on what worked and that was the last of that.
I do think a sensory evaluation by an Occupational Therapist (OT) would be an excellent idea. A LOT of people have sensory problems and learning what is soothing and what is not is a way to learn to keep yourself calm and is a way that he can learn to handle things at school and home.
I don't think they can just refuse to educate a child with handicaps in Canada. So they honestly may not be able to expel him, if you get the Canadian version of an IEP. Insane Canadian should be a help wtih this.
I do think that readng "What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You" would be a great idea. The author (I keep forgetting his name) has posted here and if you do a search on the forum for the book title you may find some of his threads about it. He is a member here and has come here to tell us about it and get our opinions. Lost at School by Ross Greene is also excellent. I am incredibly fond of the Love and Logic books - you can learn about them at www.loveandlogic.com and figure out which is best for your child/family. Most bookstores sell them as does the website.
I hope it gets better. Just try to remember you do NOT have to love what he does - but you probably do love him as a person. Knowng it was possible made raising Wiz a LOT easier for me and once my husband figured out that it really was OK it got easier for him too.
First ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Whether we admit it or not, we all feel like this at times. Some of us struggle more than others with this issue. As a kid my mom had an unbreakable house rule. We could hate what a family member did, but we did NOT hate the family member. Growing up with that made this issue a lot easier for me than for many parents I know, esp my husband. Esp as I have a gfgbro who was awful to me and that was the ONE thing I was determined would NOT happen with my kids. Of course Wiz used to be a LOT like him, except Wiz hates sub abuse of any kind so he wasn't a 12yo alcoholic like my gfgbro (THANK GOD!!). There were a LOT of times I hated just about every waking thing Wiz did, but I always loved him, loved who I knew he was deep down under all the junk.
Now? He is once again much the little boy I had before the problems got bad and he became violent. ANd is so easy to love most of the time - both his actions (except NOT returning my calls, lol) and his person.
Now, I know he has been on medications. But Bipolar is a TOUGH thing to treat, esp with adhd in the mix. there is a protocol for treating bipolar. It is outlined in the book "The Bipolar Child" by papalous. If you haven't read this, you NEED to. If you have, re-read the medications section. You want 1 or 2 mood stabilizers and an antipsychotic at first. NO STIMS, decongestants, antidepressants, or other medications listed in the book as no-not otherwise specified. Why none of these? they cause mood cycling. The mood stabilizers have to be at a high enough level for 6 WEEKS before you can know if they work. As they must be titrated up slowly, it won't be easy. Esp if he has to come off other medications. It WILL be worth it if he is bipolar. We have adult members here who did the other medications and no mood stabilizers and with every one I can think of when they got off the no-no medications and gave the mood stab's and if needed an antipsychotic time to work, they ALL said it made a HUGE difference and that difference LASTED. WIth a kid you will need tweaking as he grows, but there is hope.
Once moods are stable, if the other problems are still there you can add SMALL amts of stims, antidepressants, etc. as needed. If they trigger cycling, you back off and try another once he is again stable.
One issue you may run into is a problem with the psychiatrist not wanting to follow this. I have NO clue why, but for some reason they want to jump to antidepressants and stims first even with a firm bipolar diagnosis or mood disorder not otherwise specified diagnosis. in my opinion it is just. plain. stupid. We had one doctor who thought he would re-diagnosis my son when my son does NOT have bipolar and would start him off on a regimen of stims and antidepressants only. Well, not only had 2 docs and a lot of testing ruled it out, if he wanted to do bipolar then he was doing an inpatient medication wash and starting the medications inpatient with the described regimen. It isn't one the author of the book dreamed up. It is the medication regimen that the board of adult psychiatrists and the board of child and adolescent psychiatrists recommend. It is what science has shown is effective. this guy mostly just watned to play and when he learned we were playing the game that worked (Wiz was stable, we changed docs because our doctor retired, not for any other reason), and he figured it would take more than the 3 mins he allotted for an appointment to discuss this with me, he just kept him on what worked and that was the last of that.
I do think a sensory evaluation by an Occupational Therapist (OT) would be an excellent idea. A LOT of people have sensory problems and learning what is soothing and what is not is a way to learn to keep yourself calm and is a way that he can learn to handle things at school and home.
I don't think they can just refuse to educate a child with handicaps in Canada. So they honestly may not be able to expel him, if you get the Canadian version of an IEP. Insane Canadian should be a help wtih this.
I do think that readng "What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You" would be a great idea. The author (I keep forgetting his name) has posted here and if you do a search on the forum for the book title you may find some of his threads about it. He is a member here and has come here to tell us about it and get our opinions. Lost at School by Ross Greene is also excellent. I am incredibly fond of the Love and Logic books - you can learn about them at www.loveandlogic.com and figure out which is best for your child/family. Most bookstores sell them as does the website.
I hope it gets better. Just try to remember you do NOT have to love what he does - but you probably do love him as a person. Knowng it was possible made raising Wiz a LOT easier for me and once my husband figured out that it really was OK it got easier for him too.
Its the same problem as everywhere else, I think...
1) you have to have proof of disability... otherwise, its just deemed to be either the parents' fault or the child's fault.
2) They are, to the best of my knowledge, required by law to accommodate disability - but there is no strong definition of "accommodate", and no strong legal precidents for fighting back if the school defines "accommodate" as... unsuitable placement (an attempt to force home schooling).
Without dxes and a medical team behind you... its a really tough road.
flutterby
Fly away!
Yes, I have felt this way, too. For 2 months earlier this year, I couldn't stand my daughter. I didn't want to look at her and didn't want to talk to her. I didn't talk to her much, either, during that time. Then again this summer, I contacted Children's Services and asked them what would happen to me if I took her to them and told them I couldn't do it anymore. I certainly didn't hold my daughter as a newborn, look into her eyes, and think "I'm going to hate you in about 16 years." It's a horrible feeling; it makes you feel like a horrible mother. However, if we were truly horrible mothers we wouldn't feel horrible for feeling that way. We're human and we have our limits.
I get respite now. It's not enough, but it's better than it was. It's amazing how relaxed I become almost immediately when she leaves. It definitely helps.
I get respite now. It's not enough, but it's better than it was. It's amazing how relaxed I become almost immediately when she leaves. It definitely helps.
buddy
New Member
Wish I felt that way...It is better than having him in my direct care 24/7 but he is always in my indirect care. Some Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers--I have more faith in than others-- but for all of them I have my phone attached to my hip and have the same 'holding my breath' feeling as I do during the school day. We are in a phase with some really good ones right now but they never stay long...a year at the very most because it is a poorly paid profession and so of course these are folks working on getting better paid, "real" careers. (at least for Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers here...in the company I hire they all must have a degree and experience...for PCA's or personal support workers, you just may be getting people who can't get work other places...it is so low pay that not many people who are truly good stick around)
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Welcome, Gillis. You've gotten some excellent advice and ideas here.
I know the feeling. But I recover quickly from things. Seriously. I fly to MN to visit my dad fairly often (he has Alzheimer's), and just as often, right after a fight with-difficult child. I think, great, I can take a long break. Then I land at the MSP airport, and browse through their awesome shopping area, and immediately spot things that my difficult child would like: sports shirts, Nat Am dream catchers, candy ... and I think, am I out of my mind? I can't miss him already!
Yes, the feeling comes back. You just need more of a break. Yes, respite.
I agree that you need a new therapist. They are absolutely not addressing your issues. Sigh.
I know the feeling. But I recover quickly from things. Seriously. I fly to MN to visit my dad fairly often (he has Alzheimer's), and just as often, right after a fight with-difficult child. I think, great, I can take a long break. Then I land at the MSP airport, and browse through their awesome shopping area, and immediately spot things that my difficult child would like: sports shirts, Nat Am dream catchers, candy ... and I think, am I out of my mind? I can't miss him already!
Yes, the feeling comes back. You just need more of a break. Yes, respite.
I agree that you need a new therapist. They are absolutely not addressing your issues. Sigh.
I have the sames issues with my grandaughter I have permenant guardiansip of her,her brother 10years sister 8 years old my GD purposley starts fights with us, because she has made plans with her friends I am thinking of transfering her to another school, the friends she hangs with have parents that just dont care(no supervision) I make suggestions I enroll her is school sports I keep her busy, but once she has a plan she will do anything to get out of the house, she will take off and come home when she feels like it she is 13 she can not make the rules her bio-mom engourages her to (be Bad) she tells her things like karma is a ***** meme is getting what she deserves what am I to do??
