Help! I Don't Know What to Do

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by stephny, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. stephny

    stephny New Member

    I just don't know how to deal with my situation. My daughter has decided to latch on to the one family in the entire world that I don't want her with.

    She has many friends but this famliy is appealing to her because they allow run aways to go there. They allow drugs to flow. There are rooms available for sex. Plus at this home, there are NO rules. It's a teenage fantasy house. There is no parental supervision. 2 women live there and they have no adult friends. Instead, they have befriended these teens. Naturally, the kids think they are so cool and love them. The 2 women have decided that my daughter(out of all the people that go there) is their newly adopted child. It's really devastating to me. daughter went from a normal loving home to chilling all the time at a flop house.

    The 2 women even talk to these kids negatively about the kids parents and manipulate them into believing that they are the answer to all their problems.

    The girl that lives there dropped out of school in her early teens and she is taking hard drugs and mixing anything for a high. The 2 women enable her.

    The police are there numerous times a week but can't do anything to stop it. It's unbelievable that the police CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!! Even with violence involved.

    Over the past 2 months, daughter stays out all night because of their influence. Her plan is to move in with them in a few months when she becomes legal to do that. Other than cut off $ support, I don't know what do. The police can't intervene because she keeps running back to them.

    Any suggestions? Any stories of hope to share?

    Also, why does everyone call their difficult child a difficult child? If anything, mine has been such a test, a challenge. How is this a gift? I feel like it's a punishment!
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Hello & welcome. So sorry you had to find your way here. How old is your daughter? There probably isn't a lot you can do if she's legal, but you could file child endangerment charges otherwise. by the way, I believe your daughter isn't eligible to drop out until after the end of the school year she's turns 16 (at least in NY). You may be able to have her picked up as truant if nothing else. Others with teens will be along soon.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, questions. I'm confused.
    Did you say your daughter will turn eighteen in a few months? If so, there is NOTHING you can do other than to pray she gets sick of it fast. Unfortunately, at eighteen, these kids with grown up bodies are considered legal adults and can live where they want to live. And, if they turn around, it is because they choose to do so. I had one who did turn around. I truly thought she'd end up in jail or dead.
    But the choice becomes theirs after eighteen.
    The "gift from God" I believe is a form of sarcasm. If it's not, I don't really understand it either.
  4. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    I try to look at the phrase "Gift from God" a bit differently. in my opinion: difficult child's are given to those who can endure the challenges and gain something from the struggles with their difficult child's. These children have such difficulties in life to overcome that they require Special parents...US. How many of us have been able to give advice to a frustrated parent? We are all challenged daily, but we remain strong even when we think about giving up. Everyone of us has gained something even if it is just advice to pass along. To those we have helped our advice can be such a blessing. For many of us it is just knowing that we aren't the only one dealing with difficult children daily. Knowing that is what gives me my strength. Maybe I am a fool for not looking at the sarcastic side, but I get enough sarcasm from people who don't have a clue what I go through with my difficult child's.

    As far as your daughter, unfortunately there isn't much you can do. If she were my baby I would make sure the group homes, schools and even shelters knew about this hang out place. I would be worried sick. I would write letters to the police, mayor, city hall and state board of education and insist they monitor the house more closely. God only knows what happens behind closed doors. Maybe the 800-childhelp could give suggestions. They deal with abused and neglected children nationwide.

    I will pray for your daughter so that she might be able to see how that lifestyle could affect her. I am truly sorry you are going through this. I have a 18yr daughter that is flying by herself to meet some girl in MO. I want to kick her. The worry doesn't stop when they move out, but it gets harder to watch them fall on their face.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I've said it before, but it bears repeating. Maybe it will make someone laugh tonight.

    I mentioned the term difficult child to my mom. She asked what it stood for, and I told her that it referred to kids like Tink, and it meant "Gift from God".

    She chuckled, and said "Yeah right. A gag gift." :smile:
  6. stephny

    stephny New Member

    These are great suggestions. Some I never thought of. I am fearful of the women because they are themselves (they're sisters) victims of childhood abuse or neglect. The police told me that there is so much mental illness in that home and they are waiting for the right moment to bust them. I think they were just trying to appease me. The board of ed and the Dept of Soc Services is involved with them. Even with that in mind, they can't force her daughter to go to school. They also haven't been able to remove her from the home. It's crazy. I am sure if I lived in a state like Texas, this problem would have been taken care of a long time ago. My state laws are very liberal.

    She will be 18 in January. The drop out is daughter of the woman who rents that house. Mine is in school and at this point plans to attend college next year.

    I believe in the power of prayer and I realize that this is a top priority and that in the end, it's the prayers that will make the difference.

    This is how I feel. She has been arrested a few times but since she is a juvenile, it never makes it to court.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    What a sad situation. It would be so much better if your daughter were younger because you would have more options in what you could do. I'm so sorry.

    You mentioned cutting off financial support. It's not that bad of an idea, depending how much you are actually giving her now. You certainly have no reason to give her the funds to see these people. So, any money that might be used for that purpose should be cut off.

    Another suggestion is to talk to an attorney. You might be able to get a restraining order against these two women so that your daughter cannot see them (corruption of a minor, drug use in the home, etc.). That way, if your daughter goes over there, the police will have a right to intervene.

    As to difficult child, I can't use the term. It may be that it is because we are the ones strong enough to cope with our children, but I can't believe it was a gift to us if that is the case. Instead, it would be a gift to our children because they received parents to fight for them so much and so hard. It is too much of a hell for many of us. And I've never appreciated gag gifts.
  8. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    Have you considered trying to talk to the women themselves?

    Maybe if you appealed to their mothers heart they would understand your fears and frustrations. Not likely ... but worth a try.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant had a house like that once. in fact there were two houses like that. I got so frustrated after police could not intervene, that I called the woman of both houses myself and told them:

    my son is under 18 and if you let him in your house or so much as let his car in your driveway I will have the cops there every single day til you are sick of it. I told them I would have their house watched 24/7.

    my son was banned by them from their houses. he was so angry at me for doing that, but I am glad I did. let him know I was watching.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Have you asked about pressing charges for "Contributing to the delinquincy of a minor child" against these women??

    Oh, and I liked the "child endangerment" one too. However you might have more luck with the deliquincy thing.

    Do you own a cell phone? Have you tried going over there when you know difficult child is hanging out there and drinking and calling the police from THERE? You can charge them with serving alcohol to a minor then too.

    Just tossing out some things I'd try myself. But then, the first thing I'd do is drag difficult child out of that house by her flippin' ear. Literally. Dialing 911 on my way inside. (to come to their aide not mine lol)

    Welcome. I'm so glad that you found us. Unfortunately depending on your state, you have very little time to work with/or limited things you can do. But if you haven't already, I'd be spending every moment finding out what I could do and DO IT. Then I'd at least have the peace of mind knowing I'd given it my best shot, even if it didn't work. Cuz at 18 there isn't ANYTHING you can do at all. At that point it's all up to her.

    I'm not judging. I hope my reply doesn't come off that way.

    ((((hugs)))) :flower:
  11. stephny

    stephny New Member

    The police have their hands tied too because the last time they checked the home, they only found paraphernalia but no drugs. The attorney idea is something I need to consider.

    Yes, this has been hell and you're right, we are the difficult child to them.

    Not only did this not work, they have decided that they would make it their priority to befriend my child more so than other kids because I spoke out to them against what they are doing. Sadly, most parents of the other kids involved are not proactive or are just to busy in their own lives to care. They are just really dysfunctional people. Their hearts are stone cold.

    I wish she was 15 or 16. But she will be 18 in a few months. She wants to move in there so I can't do this. I need to be more creative and do 'behind the scenes' work through police or another organization. If she does move in, she will learn really fast when there's no drivers ed lessons, no college tuition, no cell payments nothing. It's the only leverage.

    I am planning on calling a name I was given in my local police department this morning. I have been on the phone networking for about 2 hours today. I have some good leads.

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I can't believe how wonderful you all are in responding to me. I am grateful for your help and support. This is one of those topics that is hard to talk to friends about (unless their kids are part of this mess).
  12. SnowAngel

    SnowAngel New Member

    It is horrible when other parents don't take the time to know whats happening with their own children. I can't imagine being in your shoes and dealing with this. I would keep calling the police stations, news stations, newspaper, School district and I'd even call shows like Montel. Not sure what any of them would do but somebody would have to have some advice.

    What about child protective services? How about a restraining order? I wish we could be more help. Really gets you thinking about how messed up our legal system can be.
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to say good luck to you! I hope you are successful in foiling her plans for January!

  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would be cutting off every single dime that my child saw from me. If I normally gave money for school lunch, I would pay that $$ to the school directly to be put on a lunch card. If everyone else gets to go out to lunch, tough noogies. Behave and stay away and the $$ will flow. Otherwise eat at school or be hungry.

    Need clothing $$? Only if I go shopping with you. Need $$ for a haircut? Only if/when I go with you. Same for car. Bus will take any kid to school. Car will only happen in her life if I was with her, or if I KNEW she was staying away from these women.

    What happens if you go tot he media with home video of stuff that happens there (if you can get such video), and reports of the police being totally useless???? How much media exposure can the police in your town handle? I know in mine they would have the ladies onthe fast track out of town!!

    Hugs and prayers!

  15. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    While you can, you must continually call the police and let them know that adults are letting kids do drugs there. Tell your daughter if she goes there, you will call. I agree with antsmom, call the woman herself and tell her you will call the cops.

    My son Alex, had a house like that too. You are new here, so you probably don't know that my difficult child Alex died of an accidental heroin overdose 1 1/2 years ago.

    I never called the cops on this guy, I wish I had. These kids were getting high with him, he was allowing them to do anything. He was a crackhead himself. Yeah,after way too much time went by, he called me and told me Alex was doing heroin in his garage. Of course Alex denied it, and ran from me when I tried to get him help the first time. Why would this man even allow that to happen once, let alone multiple times?

    One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't make this mans life a living hell for letting my son hang out there.

    I know you said the cops can't do anything, do they know that the adults are letting these kids get high there? If the cops can't do anything, how disappointing.

    Hang in there, I'm glad you will be willing to cut her off financially, many of these kids do not learn until life gets very uncomfortable.
  16. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Oh boy, she's 18 in a few months? Unfortunately I think the only thing at this point is tough love to the 10th degree.

    If she moves in there, no money, no car, no help. She is on her own for everything she needs.

    At her age, you cannot stop her :thumbsdown:

    Hopefully, she will decide on her own that she wants more from her life than to hang out with a couple of overgrown teenagers. Maybe if she moves in there and lives with it, she will realize that this life isn't for her. (Fingers crossed)
  17. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Oh,the term difficult child is definitely sarcasm. But it helps to look at them as a gift rather than as an evil PITA.

    The girl that lives there is on hard drugs????? NOT GOOD!

    Have you drug tested your daughter? Do you think she is doing hard drugs, if so, cut her off financially now.
  18. stephny

    stephny New Member

    I am so sorry about your son Alex. I wish these tragedies never happened, yet they don't stop.