Help! I need advice from someone who's been there/ done that

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lindalou, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. lindalou

    lindalou New Member

    Help!! I need advice! I think I know what needs done but hubby is waffling. We set April 1st as the move-out date for our son almost a month ago. He has known this was coming. The fact that he waited until two days ago to get ahold of a case manager or anyone for assistance is his fault, not ours. I have been preparing myself (as much as one can prepare for this) for today to be the day. His only real option now is a homeless shelter in Akron, it is nights only so he would have to hang out on the streets, a coffee shop or the library I guess. I was ready, it sucks, but again, no surprises that today was the day. Well.... my husband wants to talk to the case manager today AND Douglass has a psychologist apt Monday. My husband now wants to wait until after the Monday appointment and he wants to make sure the psychologist is aware that Douglass is now homeless. I really think we need to drop him off today as planned and what happens, happens. I think this is just more of trying to run my son's life which is partly why we are in this situation anyway. I really need some advice here :(

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  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would remind your husband that it's important to follow though with ultimatums.. or you lose all credibility. Change this time, and your son won't believe anything you tell him next time. It's important to do what you say you're going to do. Perhaps read some of the previous responses to your husband, to show how many others have been through this and are behind you - behind both of you.

    The psychologist is one of the people who suggested this, correct? Then he knows it's coming. There's no need to wait to tell him first. What will that change, waiting a few more days? The outcome won't change ... moving the deadline a few days isn't going to make The Day any less dificult. It'll be like pulling a bandaid off slowly, you'll spend the weekend agonizing over what Monday will bring. Sometimes you just have to rip that bandaid off, you know? Stick to your guns today. That will give you the wekeend to recover, to rest, to regroup before heading into another work week.

    Perhaps you could place a call to the Psychologist today, to tell him - would that help your husband?

    I know it's difficult, and painful, and heartbreaking. But it's necessary.
  3. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Yep, I'm with Crazy. I haven't truly been there/done that in the same way as you, but I have put my son out of my house and refused to let him back in. My situation, I simply can not live with him. I can not be around drugs or drug addicts.

    My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is. I never had to deal with a waffling was usually ME who was the waffle ;-) but I cannot imagine how much tougher that is for you, to have to be "the enforcer".

    I think you are doing the absolute right thing. I know it's ripping you apart, and your husband too. I'm so sorry for your pain. (((BIG HUGS))))
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It's so hard to enforce tough love but you have to set your son free so he can grow up. We just gave our 20 year old an ultimatum. He was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression and there was some drug use also. He is thriving now and happier. Who knows the outcome but no one knows what the future brings. I am so happy we did SOMETHING other than what we were DOING that wasn't WORKING for any of us. Least of all him. By coddling him it sends him the message that you don't think he can do it. That's what we did. Don't waste any more time.

    You'll get good advice here. This forum is WHY we were able to do it and we are very thankful for all the knowledge that is shared here. Good luck. I know it's the hardest thing you'll probably ever do in your life. I learned on here "nothing changes if nothing changes". Keep repeating that to yourself. I know I did.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Is there anyway to pay for the cheapest dive motel room for three him get to his appointment on Monday. One, it gets him out of your might make the transition to a homeless shelter easier, as he would already have a backpack with his essentials.

    You could notify his psychiatrist today what is maybe he would have a plan B. Difficult Child might be more motivated after staying in a hotel room with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter... KSM
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I had issues with my hubs as well. This is a hard one and not fair to you, or your son. It sends a confusing message and just gives him more ammo. These d cs are quick to catch on to the waffling parent, then start to triangulate, meaning they use the indecision and stalling to corral one parent against the other. I am the "bad" guy, the enforcer. But something had to be done.
    Will your husband listen to reason and understand how much this is badly effecting you?
    I think that is what finally got my hubs to see the light.
    That I was losing myself with all of the heartache.
    I hope you can find a solution. It is hard on both parents when opinions differ. Some reach the point to detach sooner than others.
    I agree.
    My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you and your husband are at different points on this. To me, waiting for a "good" day to leave is like waiting for a "good" day to quit smoking. There is always something on the horizon that makes it hard. If you wait a few days for the psychiatric appointment, you might then need to wait a few days for the referral, or waiting for a medical evaluation, or something else, and on and on it goes. Plus I think you lose all credibility if you don't follow through. What happens when you give him a new date? He will have no reason to think you mean it. I would have a different answer if you hadn't given him a month's notice.
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  8. lindalou

    lindalou New Member

    Thank you, thank you to everyone who has responded. You only confirmed my thoughts that to just "do it" is kinder in the long run. I am going to PARTA and buy a ten-trip bus pass so he can get from the shelter to his appointment Monday. I am staying firm in my resolve that this needs to happen today and feel so much better that I have folks who have survived this themselves backing me up. This forum is amazing, bless all of you for the support. The key factor here is this is just making managing my manic-depression symptoms impossible.
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Lindalou,

    You have received some very good advice from the others which I agree with.

    None of this is easy. Putting off what needs to happen does not benefit anyone. When we are dealing with our adult difficult children it is so important to follow through with what we say. When we don't follow through it creates a small hole in our armor and that is just enough for our d_c's because the next time we say we are going to do something they will not take us seriously.

    Your son is 30, at some point he is going to have to do for himself. What's he going to do when you and your husband are no longer here? Your son will manage, they always do.

    My son has been homeless/wandering for several years now. There was a time when I didn't think he would make it but he did. He manages. It's not the way I choose for him to live but then again it's his life, not mine.

    I'm sorry your husband is having a harder time with this but I am glad that you know what needs to be done and are willing to do it.

    Hang in there!!!

    Let us know how things go.