Help-Im waivering w no support from husband and a crying gtg on the streets

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lupylisa, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. lupylisa

    lupylisa New Member

    So continuing the story from my previous post (this support group fell from the heavens), the update is husband came home upset as difficult child keeps calling him needing more clothes, more medications, etc. Now he's upped the ante and is calling crying and at least my husband doesn't answer. But husband is just acting all angry and distant towards me and my 15yo son. This is really killing him as he is the softy, and I know this after 30 years of marriage. I'm the tough one and my heart is screaming "Go get him now. Bring him home. Hug him and tell him he is loved and he will see what a loving home and family he has". But I know my head says "No hold your ground. Stay strong. This is for him. And the 15yo."

    BUT MAN IS THIS RIDICULOUSLY HARD

    Thank all of you for your encouragement on the other post and it helps me. husband just left (to go sit at a cigar bar probably....I know he's not meeting him for a fact) and I had printed out some other threads relative to our situation. You guys are amazingly good and I believe you so much more than my therapist who tells me the same things, but SHE is not US, right? She is a professional, it is her job to tell me this. You are parents you have lived this.

    That being said, two questions (besides needing more positive vibes): 1. Can some of you post the pretend type phone calls you have had with your gtg while they are out of the house....there was something like this on another thread and it was AWESOME. 2. Are there ANY success stories on these boards at all?? All I read is they just get older and don't change.

    Thanks for sharing.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2012
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs)))

    Welcome to the board hon. You're doing ok, it just doesn't feel like it right now. The beginning stages of detachment can be really painful until you learn to distance yourself from problems difficult child creates for himself. It's a process though, it's not something that is going to happen over night. It is indeed ridiculously hard.

    You and husband have done the right thing. Your difficult child is 23 yrs old, more than old enough to be out on his own in the world.......even if he didn't have difficult child status. If he refuses to follow house rules, he has no business being in your home. Your House Your Rules. Living at home as an adult is a privilege, not a right. He's never going to learn to be a man if someone is always running to his rescue. Instead, he will take advantage of the perpetual teenhood because he will have no motivation to change his behavior. And he is calling you ect, because it has worked before, he expects it will work again eventually, he just has to wear you down.

    It might get much worse before it gets better. Because as you don't react according to the set pattern, he's going to pull out everything he can think of to get things back the way they were, which were H*ll on you but wonderful for him.

    Success stories? Yes. We have them. :) My Nichole is one. Stable, married, about to buy her first home, great mommy to 2 beautiful kids. It wasn't an easy road by far..... But they have to want to change, see the need to change or they're not going to change. My Katie has yet to see this at 32, but then she's had bio mom holding her up most of her adult life when I refused to. Now that bio mom can't.......I'm hoping she begins to see the light, but at 32 I'm not very hopeful old patterns are hard to break by the time you reach a certain age. Katie had no reason to want to change her life because it was working for her.

    As far as dxes go, sadly........as long as he's dabbling with drugs they're not accurate. Being high or withdrawal symptoms mimic many dxes, when that is all it is.....the body's reaction to the drugs. Yes, there could be an actual diagnosis there, you just can't be sure what it is until the drugs are no longer an issue.

    As for your husband, it often takes one parent longer to "see the light" than others. It's much easier with both parents on board giving each other support. But don't be surpirsed it's taking husband a while. And yeah, you can know you're doing the right thing and what needs to be done and still be POed as heck about it., about the need to do it. If you know what I mean.

    Your husband is lucky he has two very patient parents. If he were my son his rear would be sitting in a jail cell for theft.

    I'm glad you found us.

    (((hugs)))
     
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    The chaos and drama follows them and sucks in everyone in their paths!

    Yes, there are success stories if they want to be one. They have complete control over their lives, no one else.

    Both of my children had brushes with the law due to drug use. It literally scared my daughter straight and she stayed in counseling for a long time, having an 1&1/2 bus ride both ways. Today she has a masters and home schools 2 beautiful pcs. Not my son, he is still struggling.

    I know 2 others, one was living on the streets for many years. After being arrested and jail time he, for some reason, decided it was time for a better life. In his late 30's (maybe even 40s) he went to college part time, faithfully attended meetings for years, now has a great job and beautiful pcs. I wonder what he will ever tell his children about his past, his wife knows. I would never believe his story if I did not know him personally!

    The other is a female that almost had her child taken away from her. Involved with shadey people and was lucky she wasn't involved in a drug bust, many of her friends went to jail. Also in her 30's went to college part time, today has a BA and a career making $200,000+. Very well respected in her field!!!

    I find the teens and 20's will not listen to anyone, but my daughter did, so it is possible if THEY want it. My daughter was embarassed by her jailtime, my son and his friends would brag about it.

    Don't give up just try to learn to detact so you can have a functioning life too. I wish I had learned this many years ago. After 18 you have zero say (most states) in their treatment and they will use you and not think anything of it. The drugs make them very selfish!!!

    My son has been in many programs, but, from what I have witnessed, the key to success is staying in a program for a long time after they stop the use. AND getting new friends and a support system that does not enable them.
    (((blessings for us all)))
     
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    LY -

    Find our archies here on DETACHMENT 101 - it's a lifesaver - and read it - read it - read it.

    Phone call -

    Mooooooom? (sniffles) Mom can I come by the house and get some of my clothes - all mine are dirty.
    No, I'm doing something in a little bit - I'll be glad to drop some off to you - where can we meet?
    Mommmmm? I really need my medications?......That's what I was really calling about - and food -Man I'm hungry - haven't eaten in days.
    Gosh I'm sorry to hear that. You're a smart guy - you'll figure something out won't you?
    I guess.
    Okay where can I bring the clothes? I can do it between 4 and 5 - today only.

    So you do - and he gets there and say "Can I have like 20 bucks?"
    OH I'm sorry I didn't bring any cash. I forgot to bring my debit card too.
    I'm glad to see you're staying clean. That's good - OH and I remembered to bring - SOAP and some deoderant -YOu didn't ask for them - but I thought you may need them since you're on your own.
    (WHATEVER)
    Slams door walks away OR
    (Starts crying) - I want to come home -
    WELL - I know you'll work this out You should be happy it's what you've wanted. (HUG) I have to go - LOVE YOU.

    Calls crying - MOM - I've been in an accident - I'm at the hospital. (He's sitting in the ER room bcause he has no where to go and the sound of the PA system sounds desperate)
    OMG what's wrong?
    I got in a fight and I'm dying.
    Okay - can I talk to the doctor?
    He's not here.
    OKay well when he comes in hand him the phone. Tell him to call me back.
    (YOU DO NOT LOVE ME.....YOU WANT ME TO DIE)
    Um - son - You're in an ER right? If you were dying they'd take care of you. This is how it works in the adult world.
    Call me back later. Love you.

    ALWAYS end with love you. DO NOT engage in battles or words - JUST SHort YOU GO BOY - detachment statements.

    Let see -

    MOM _ I'm in the park freezing - can you come get me?
    Well I'mbusy right now......what happened to your friends that were taking you in? Can they get you a blanket until I can get there with some soup? You like soup right? i can probably do that later if you can hang on.
    BLANKET? SOUP? SCREW YOU - I'm dying.
    I don't think you're dying or you wouldn't be calling me on the phone - you'd be in the hospital - SAY how'd that ever work out the other night? I never heard from the doctor. You okay now? I'm glad.

    Detachment 101 in the archives -


    AND at 15 - you want to report him to the police EVERY DAY as a runaway to CYA - otherwise if something happens to him? YOU WILL BE CHARGED for child abuse and not reporting him. They don't HAVE to look for him - and may not - but you DO have to call and make a report every day. IT also starts a paper trail to keep in his file to show a judge he's incorrigible - which COULD get him services later. COULD - not will - COULD.
     
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stand tough, warrior mom. You can do this. But yes, it is INCREDIBLY hard, and it breaks your heart.

    Here's a great list of responses you can use for various phone calls/situations:
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f21/lets-brainstorm-make-list-685/

    Also, I've said this many times here: these kids tend to have a remarkable resilience when they're kicked out. Once they're forced to figure it out, they do. They are rarely literally "on the streets," except for maybe a night or two in their car (although there are exceptions). They're so good at manipulating folks to get what they want, they inevitably talk someone else into helping them out, by playing the "poor me, my parents kicked me out, aren't hey horrible people?" card. One of the hardest things for me was to not worry about what other people thought of my kicking Oldest out, when that happened at age 19. I knew she was painting a terrible picture of me, especially because she suffers from a physical illness (how could I throw out such a sick child?). But *I* knew the whole story, and *I* knew I was totally right to kick her out of my house because of her abusive and sometimes physically violent behavior. If someone called me and tried to get in the middle of it, or got angry with me because they thought I'd pushed my kid into their household, that was on them. That was their choice. I'd made mine, and anything that happened after that was not within my control, nor was it my "fault" (no matter what difficult child might say).

    One of the things I urge you to do right now is step up your therapist appointments, maybe see her once a week for now, if possible, until you get through this crisis. It helps to get more frequent reminders of "yes you're doing the right thing" while in the midst of stuff like this. You might also look for a Families Anonymous or AlAnon meeting in your area for some additional support.

    Success stories: I kicked Oldest out at 19. I won't lie, it took many years of moving place to place, going through friendships and jobs, a couple of psychiatric hospital visits, losing most everything she owned, to get somewhat "stable." At 28, she still tends to change jobs every six months, and roommates only slightly less frequently, but she is self-sufficient. She pays her bills (I think), and has even had some local press on putting together some charity events in our area. I haven't seen evidence of pain pill abuse in a few years now. She's not perfect, but I call that a success, based on where we came from.

    Hugs.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are TOTALLY doing the right thing. Your son would be in a jail cell if he were mine too. For stealing, for drugs, for abusing my property, for all of it.

    The 15yo is NOT the one out of the house, as I remember your other post, right? He is the one at home who NEEDS parenting still. The older one? Needs to learn to be independent - a MAN instead of a MANCHILD.

    You are NOT just doing this for you and for husband and for difficult child. You are doing this so that your 15yo can have a SAFE home to live in. He is a MINOR and that is a legal responsibility of yours. If child protection found out that you let your 23yo drug using son live with you and have his thief friends around, they COULD come and remove your 15yo. That actually is a reality that CAN happen.

    It is truly painful and hard to detach, esp at the early stages. But you MUST do what is needed to make sure your 15yo is safe and healthy. Your older son did NOT have to survive in a home with a drug user who brought his thieving friends around to help with criminal activity in your home, did he? WHY is it that your younger son should be FORCED to live that way? How is that fair or right in ANY world?

    You need to keep your mind focused on that instead of on your older adult son crying about being hungry. Chances are he is only crying because his free ride is interrupted and he is thinking that if he cries and lies long enough then you will let him come back home.

    Do you remember when he was a toddler and didn't want to go to sleep? You put him in bed and he would beg for water, the potty, a story, and on and on. So you finally had to walk away and let him learn to go to sleep by himself. So he would cry and cry and you went to comfort him. But the next night he would cry even LONGER and LONGER. And each night that you went in and comforted him, he cried a little longer. That one minute of crying went to 3 aand to 5 and to 10 and to 20 and you kept giving in. The more you gave in, the longer he would cry.

    When you were finally too exhausted or at your wit's end and you let him just cry until he went to sleep, it took forever. but the next night he didn't cry nearly so long. He learned that his crying was NOT going to get what he wanted so he stopped oding it.

    This is EXACTLY what your difficult child is doing now. He is crying for you to come and 'rescue' him. But he does NOT need rescuing. He needs to learn to figure it out just like he figured out how to go to sleep or to walk or to do any other thing. The more you let him come back, the longer the pain of the first part of detaching will last. Don't answer the phone every time he calls, don't EVER give him money, make him figure it out. It won't be as bad as he says, esp not at first. And if he is forced to, he WILL figgure it out.

    (((((hugs))))) I am sorry that you and husband are hurting. Please make SURE that the 15yo knows that he is to NOT let bro in and is NOT to give bro anything. It is NOT his job and difficult child may put heavy pressure on him. So teach him how to say no so that he will be prepared to handle the call from his brother.

    Please remember that you are NOT just doing this for difficult child, or for you or husband. You are also doing it in a BIG way to make sure your 15yo has a safe and healthy home. Right now the 15yo's needs MUST be the priority and NOT the 23yo's.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OHhhhhh the 23 yo is the one that you are doing this for????? MY bad - CUT THE PHONE OFF. LORD......get yourself some peace and quiet, get thee to a therapist and find a way to destress..........and let him figure out how to live life on his own for a while. In the mean time - put your life back together, and breathe. He's figured out how to manipulate people his whole life - it should not be hard for him to get along - wihtout your support other than - words, and prayers.

    If you WANT that 23 year old to EVER stand on his own - you'lre going to have to toughen up and do this. If we all wrote our stories to you - you'd sit there with your mouth open. I threw mine out at 17 - and he lived in parks under bridges and with a sociopath/psychopath drug dealer. He ate out of dumpsters, and I'm sure wanted to come home. He FINALLY got to see what he had......and lost. IT was sobering for him. He HAD to work to eat. He HAD to work to be clean - HE HAD to work - to buy things he needed. No one was there to do it for him. He learned to rely on himself - that's not bad - that's what growing up is all about and some of our kids need a boost like that to get going. Nothing wrong with that.
     
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Star it is the 18 year old she has put out not the 15 or the 23 year old.

    You are doing the right thing. You and husband and your 15 year old deserve to be safe in your own home. I do not think settting him up in an apt is a good idea it just rewards him for very bad behavior (gives him a place to party for free) Same with sending him off to college. It is hard to think of our own kids as criminals but the fact is when they steal, that is what they are. Would you concider giving an apartment or an education to any other criminal that stole from you repeatedly? I doubt it, but when the criminal is own our child we get so confused.. That is why we have to step back and look at the situation from a more detached perspective. So many times parents think that they can pay restitution (or in the case of them stealing from the parent letting it go) and send the kid off to school and everything will be fine. Unfortunatley that usually does not work. When we do that, we just reinforce terrible behavior. Even when that behavior is driven by drug use they need to reap the natural concequences. Because the consequences are what will make them realize that they need to clean up their act. I am sorry youare going thorugh the pain of an out of control teenage child. You have found a good place where you will not be alone in your struggles. -RM
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Read that thread that was posted above then print it out. Keep it by the phone or a copy in your purse so if he calls on the cell. Remember NO is a simple sentence. It was a light bulb moment for me when I realized that. When my son lived at home I always felt I had to do all this explaining to him and almost apologizing to him about why I was saying No to him. Once he was out of the house I grew a back bone and was able to just say NO when he called me on the phone and ask for something. It felt amazing!
     
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    LORD she has three children and the Father is worried about the 18 year old being out on the street after treating her like this?????? I think he'd either get with the support team or HE'd be next. JUST sayin. MYword.
     
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