Help me be strong

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Sep 20, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    difficult child is pleading to come home already! She was supposed to come home to see her gramma for her 85th birthday this Sat. Exh convinced me to allow her to stay over so I said okay after much discussion. NOW, tonight she tells me her plans. She will spend the day with us, and then go to a party Sat night, sleep over and come home at 10 on Sun and spend the rest of the day with us.

    I said no to the party, and now she is saying that I don't want her to come home. WTH? I know she is trying to manipulate everyone and anyone who will listen. I got so angry I had to sign off with her.

    Is it wrong, after only ONE week away, for me to try and stick to the plan? She stays there, comes home for grammas b'day and goes back? The thing is that exh doesn't have a clue and I sit on my end of the phone trying to convince him that A) difficult child and I are very fact, perhaps too close, and B) she's manipulating him. I KNOW that she is only interested in coming home for the sole purpose of seeing the guy she is heavy like with and to go to the party...where there will most definitely be drinking and pot smoking. And her biodad told her that if she wasn't such a bad liar, none of this wouldn't have happened. Ugh.

    I miss her, I want her to come home. BUT ONLY if she's ready to be responsible, which she's not. She says she is, but what she really wants is to be in her own bed, with her creature comforts, her puppy and freedom. With her dad, its all new, she has no friends down there so for now, until she gets a job and a life, she is like a caged songbird. I get it, I know what that feels like, I remember it well from when I was her age. But what else am I supposed to do?

    After telling me how much she misses us, even gramma, and that she wants to come home soooo bad, later she tells me that I'm being unrealistic to believe that she will even be missed at the family party. Huh! Like I didn't see through her ruse anyway.

    I need strength. Wear is my armor?
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Here you go. . . :warrior:

    Jo, think about what the last day was like before you decided that difficult child had to go. What has changed?

    You said that you know she is just manipulating everyone and wants to come home for the wrong reasons.

    Stay strong. :warrior:

  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Saying no to the party is the right thing.

    Let her know that you are hurt that she wants to go to a party when no one knows when she will be back to visit -- a job could easily interfere with coming on weekends; this is a family event and more than just gramma's b'day party, it is a weekend celebration; the original plan was she was coming to see the family for the weekend, not hanging out with buddies and potential boy friends. If they want, they are welcome to come visit for an hour on Saturday or Sunday before she leaves (?).

    So, just remember that she is the one who is not being fair in wanting to go to the party, not you in wanting her to visit at home.

    Good luck! You have the right to want her to visit at home.
  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    This is a tough call. Part of me understands that 17 year old kids want to go to parties and hang out with their friends. I know that when my son comes home from college for a few days ... we don't see him all that much. I think that is within the realm of normal adolescent behavior.

    On the other hand I understand your concern about the drugs/drinking. She is still a minor and therefore under your authority.

    meowbunny makes a good suggestion. Try to compromise and let her see friends in another venue where drugs will not be present.

  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo, I have been there. I know what this is like. I can tell you that my experience proved to be a good one. I did have MANY nights where I wanted to run over to her father's house and take her back home. Most of the time it was because she would call me crying. Telling me she missed me. Telling me how awful her father was to her (not really true). Telling me they did not provide certain things for her (not true).

    When I did move to her dad's town, difficult child was very happy to be with me more again. We did split 50/50 time with difficult child after that year. But, I could see such a difference in her.

    I would give it a specific amount of time in your head. Maybe at the very least 3 months. Before you even entertain the idea of her coming back home.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I basically copied meowbunny's post in a message to difficult child this morning. Thank you meowbunny for the words.

    My exh just called me to tell me that difficult child called a friend at 2AM and made arrangements for him to come pick her up in NY (from northern CT) and bring her home (back to northern CT)'s a 3 hour ride each way! He said when he woke her up 30 minutes ago, she just announced it to him. He had to leave the house so he wouldn't freak out and he called me. I laughed my behind off because FINALLY she did it to him! Anyway, he's going to go talk with her and tell her she can't leave until tomorrow as planned and see what happens. Apparently, this boy (I know him, he's a good guy) may be on his way there as I type. Jeepers!!!!
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Stick to your guns!!!! If you don't want her going to a party while she's visiting then let her know she isn't going and if she doesn't like it, well then she can't come visit.

    There is no reason in the world for you to put yourself through this. You are probably just finding a little peace in your home without her living in it. You don't need to worry what she is doing and where she is when she's visiting.

    Set the rules and tell her if she doesn't like it, you'll meet her for lunch sometime, but she can't come stay there.
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    her old gang is a like a magnet to her. she problem doesnt miss her room and you, just have fun.
    go with your instincts.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Exh and I laid down the law. She can come home for the weekend, but there will be NO sleepovers and if she strays ONCE from the plan, she will not be allowed to come home for her birthday and we won't see her till Thanksgiving. She tearfully agreed. We shall see.

    Thanks for lending me your strenght - I needed it and it helped me immensely this morning! My God, I don't know what I would have done without you all.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Good choice!

    Whenever these things come up, tell yourself:


    I thought it was interesting that her father told her none of this would be happening if only she were a better liar.

    An almost approval of what she is doing.

    You are doing exactly what you need to do to get this child safely from today to a life filled with the option of choice. If she messes up now, her life will close down, smaller and smaller and smaller.

    So, it's really important that she not see the drug using friends. And missing a party with them is a good thing, not a punishment.

    I like your consequences, and I like the solution you came up with.


    Good job!

  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo, I thought you needed strength not to allow difficult child to come home from Dex's already! I was confused!

    Glad you and Dex laid down the law!
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    good that you two agree. two parents united make a good firm wall.
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    :bravo: Good job! Watch out for those tears though. If she thinks you'll go for the sympathy, I'm sure there will buckets of them Saturday afternoon along with the appropriate sighs and sad faces. (If she does, pull her to the side and remind her this is her grandmother's day, not hers!)
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Great Job!!

    Don't let her manipulate you this weekend. Tell her the tears will get her nowhere, but a quick ride back to where she came from.