Help me get answers...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mrshunzeker, Feb 28, 2008.

  1. mrshunzeker

    mrshunzeker New Member

    My mom says I have ODD I am 23 years old and the only adult that I seem to not get along with is my mother. She is always saying I have ODD and I have never been diagnosed. I have done a lot of reading up on ODD and it seems to me that is it a child to teen disorder. I dont get into trouble with the law. I dont fight or argue with my elders besides my mom. We dont get along cause she belives she is right about everything and I am just plain wrong no matter what. She contradicts herself all the time. She will say one min that I have a good heart and that I am a good person and then she changes her mind. I am confused at to what to do... I dont like to argue with her and honestly I am done. I want to just give up on talking to her or being in communication with her. I am at my whits end. Can someone please give me advice?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I have a 23 year old daughter who still cares what we think of her. I'm so sorry your mother is giving your a label and that you don't get along with her. ODD is usually a label given to kids ALONG with another diagnosis. Your mom is not a professional and if she's the only person you don't get along with, you don't have it. I'm sorry she's making you feel bad. I had a very critical mother and, in the end, it was too painful to talk to her. You can limit your contact to maybe once a week and lay down some rules. After all, you're an adult now. You can say calmly, "Mom, if you criticize me, I'd like you to know in advance that I will quietly set down the phone." And then do it, politely. She'll either stop or else she's too difficult to have a relationship with anyways. Sadly, sometimes we have to distance ourselves from family. Sometimes they are so damaging to us, we need to cut them off. If I were you, I'd get into therapy to help you get over the guilt. Thanks for posting.
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like your mom may have some issues. If the other areas of your life are going well then most likely you do NOT have ODD. It usually comes with another disorder.

    I recommend reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Also, whether your mom is an alcoholic or not, try some Al-Anon meetings. My parents are not alcoholics, but I have grandparents that were. So my parents learned unhealthy behavior patterns and then I did. AlAnon was a HUGE help. Still is.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi there, welcome.

    Setting boundaries with your mom can be VERY difficult to do! There are a few good people on this board who have had to sever ties with their mom (or dad) because their relationship with them is toxic. I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother for many years. We have repaired it nicely, but in order to do that, BOTH of us had to be willing to make changes. If your mom is not on board, it will be very difficult to do.

    I am so sorry. The one person we all wish we could depend on is mom, and it is not always the case. (((hugs))), we are all here for you.
     
  5. mrshunzeker

    mrshunzeker New Member

    Thank you all for you support and help. I tried to tell her I was done fighting and that she was the only one I argue with like that and that if we cant have a normal conversation without her judging me then it might be better if we dont talk. Well that blew up in my face. She went hysterical. She told me that it was a mistake for me to have my daughter and that I am a bad mom and that she was going to get in contact with my exhusband and give him ammo because me and him are fighting for custody. My mom is bi-polar and has been diagnosed with it for years. I dont want to put a label on her like she has me these many years. She knows that it hurts and bugs me that she is always saying I have ODD and she announces it to everyone. One of the biggest reasons she says I have ODD is because growing up I did the normal teen thing where I didnt listen to my parents and her solution for that was to find ways to lock me in mental institutions or somewhere like that. I have 17 younger siblings and 16 of the 17 have some kind of disorder from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) to others. And she thinks that I am one of them that there is no way I can be normal. I have had a physch evaluation and everything and been through counseling when I was younger and no one ever diagnosed me with anything. But anyways thank you all again for support. I think I will try therapy to get over my bad childhood and try and move on with or without my mom. :laughing: Thanks!
     
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I'm glad you're looking for help. Unfortunately, this sounds like an old pattern you & your mom have fallen into.

    And the one person who can change it is you - your reaction to your mother's announcement of your have ODD. Whether you do or not is moot. It's your reaction.

    If you mom is bipolar, is she taking her medications? It doesn't sound like it. She has to be invested enough in herself to take care of herself.

    The same can be said for you; can you detach from your mom's "antics" & stay calm? Is there anyway you can help her with the day to day stuff that she needs to get done?

    In the meantime, detach from the hurt. Move ahead with your life. I'm big on family - pitch in when you can & when mom allows it. However, don't get sucked into a co-dependent relationship.
     
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