Help me help her

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by fedup, Oct 22, 2007.

  1. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Our 22 year old daughter is ADD, but not generally a problem. However, she has me in a dilemma right now. She has met a guy on myspace. He is a habitual criminal, an abuser and a liar, from what I have seen so far. Thankfully, they have yet to meet in person. She told me last night she "found a great guy and wants to be with him for life. Yeah he has had some trouble with the law but it has been a year since his last trouble." Sure, and it happens about once a year- I looked it up on his county's website.

    How do I guide her to a better place without running her off. We have really good rapport right now. We talk on the phone several times a day, and she will email me- we've passed several back and forth about her buddy. He even emailed me- but I think some of it is lies.

    My "mommy" gut instinct is full of big, heavy red flags!
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is this the one in the military? If so, can you explain to her that with his criminal background that even if she loves him so much that this man could hold her back. Yada yada. The military looks down on its members who have criminals for partners. It looks bad on them...

    Other than that...keep the line of communication open...point things out quietly...I dont know...this would scare me.
     
  3. fedup

    fedup New Member

    She is in the Military right now. However, she is looking to get out before Xmas. She has exercise induced asthma, which was diagnosed in boot camp. She simply is unable to complete the run. This puts her in a bad spot, and none of the carriers or big ships will take her. She just has too many changes coming down at once, and I don't think she is using all of her brain to think about this. She claims she has had her adventures, and is ready to settle down.

    I want to say, "hold your horses, girl!"
     
  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> He is a habitual criminal, an abuser and a liar, from what I have seen so far.</div></div>

    I'm just curious how you ascertained all of this?

    Your daughter is 22. You'll need to tread lightly - or she may resent you having this information.

    Since it is unlikely that much will happen before she gets out in December, I would just see what happens. It may blow itself out by then.

    If when she gets out they are still 'involved', I may sit her down at that point and give her the concrete evidence you have against this guy.

    What types of decisions has your daughter made in the past? In particular about guys? If she's been level headed, I would worry less. If this is a pattern (to be interested in loser guys) I would be more proactive.

    in my humble opinion.
     
  5. fedup

    fedup New Member

    One, she told me he had had trouble with the law, and the city and county he lived in. She said she had looked it up, but I have serious doubts.

    She just up and moved 5 hours away right after HS graduation, without mentioning much beforehand. She was going to live with her brother. That didn't work out, and she moved around a bit, and ended up getting dumped from her place. Son's wife drove her home on short notice. We only found out the night she was coming home.

    As for guys- she went to visit one she had known for awhile before she went in the Military. He fizzled out, because he wanted to marry her and at that time, she was not ready. Other than that, she hasn't really been all that big on dating. That's part of my concern. While in the service, she has been with a few, but there was never much to it, evidently. None of them but the last one had a vehicle, so she didn't get around much.

    A lot of the information came from his myspace pages. Yes, mmore than one, and they don't say the same thing. I haven't seen them yet, but someone I trust has. Heck, I have never been on myspace.

    How can I be proactive without telling her some stuff she obviously isn't aware of?
     
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I would not tell her much of anything, because you will jeapordize your relationship. I would simply state your concern, and calmly continue to state your concern, and hope it sinks in. None of us really listen to people with unwanted advice, especially parents. We have to ask for the advice, for it to be affective. You run the risk of pushing a wedge between you and your girl, and that is the last thing you want.

    Sometimes, life lessons are hard. But they can only be learned, not taught. She will have to figure out for herself, that this is dangerous, or unsafe, or unhappy. All you can do, is point out to her you do not approve. That in and of itself goes a long ways for kids, she is listening to you. She just may not be acting on it yet.
     
  7. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Thank you for your kind advice, Willow. That is more or less what I will do, but I may give it a few more days. I wish she were more aware of the hazards of myspace, and that he has more than one page there.

    I am not usually one to keep my mouth shut, so this is doubly hard for me.
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Willow gives some good advice, I think. Difficult to do, but good advice. If you hear anything more concrete, like he is on probation and not to be using the internet (some judges order this), you might keep that in mind as something to anonymously report to his PO. But, it doesn't seem likely that she will listen to your advice, as she hasn't asked for it. :frown:
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Since your concern is his criminal background.....and difficult child not realizing the truth of the matter.....

    Well if it were me, I'd sit her down and SHOW her what I'd found. I'd have to do that just to live with myself.

    That said, once I did that I'd tell her that the rest is up to her. Then I'd leave it alone.

    But if one of my kids is about to walk into a potentially dangerous situation and I know it, I have to at least give them the info I have. No more or less than I'd do for anyone else I know and care for.

    I don't blame you for being worried.

    Hugs
     
  10. fedup

    fedup New Member

    Can't exactly sit her down and show her. She is in one state, I am in another. I am preparing to write a letter to email her regarding the situation. I also plan to write him a letter, asking some very direct questions. What comes out in the end should be very interesting. Oh, and I will send D the email I send him, so she is aware of what's going on, in case of fallout.
     
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know this is scary and frustrating, but there is not a lot you can do except give her information, in the least obtrusive way you can. What she does with that information is up to her. I know it's frustrating.. I'm watching my Youngest in the middle of an extremely abusive relationship right now, and it's a very helpless feeling.
     
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I watched my son go through a horrible relationship for a few years. Nothing I said made a difference until he was ready to walk away from it.

    I would give her the information that you have and then step back. The more you try and manipulate the relationship, the further she will push towards it. Believe me, I've been there done that.
     
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Well if it were me, I'd sit her down and SHOW her what I'd found. I'd have to do that just to live with myself.

    That said, once I did that I'd tell her that the rest is up to her. Then I'd leave it alone.

    But if one of my kids is about to walk into a potentially dangerous situation and I know it, I have to at least give them the info I have. No more or less than I'd do for anyone else I know and care for. </div></div>

    I would try to sit on my lips but I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure I'd do what Lisa describes above. Since she isn't local, you can copy and paste (or provide links) in an email to what you have found.

    Suz
     
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    are you sure his name is not "anthony" ??

    just kidding...

    I too would feel really bad if I knew stuff and didnt share it with my kid, then it would be up to them.

    perhaps let her know what you know but tell her that the decisions in her life are ultimately up to her.
     
  15. fedup

    fedup New Member

    I actually have written each of them a letter, and attached it to an email. Both have been sent, and I sent what I asked him to her, also.

    She is very strongly backing him- I know she deserves more and better. I hope she reads the letters over again and agian.

    By the way, she is still speaking to m e, and not angry. She has called me at least twice since she read the letter. She is curioous as to how I got into myspace. :warrior:
     
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">She is curioous as to how I got into myspace. </div></div>

    Don't give away your secret. It's always a good idea to keep 'em guessing. :sword:

    Suz
     
  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    good job!
     
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I get on my easy child daughters all the time. She signed in on my computer one day and stored the password. She doesn't even realize it. Hers is set to private, so that is the only way I could get into it.

    I always like to keep an eye on what is going on there. It's a scarey site.
     
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'd remind her that mothers know all and see all. :sword: :warrior:

    :rofl:

    Mine still believe I'm this endless pit of resourse and information. Yep. Never hurts to keep them guessing. :smile:
     
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