Help me process this meeting, please

[zba189]

husband and I met with the Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that my difficult child is currently at (Wow that was a ton of acronyms for one short sentence) for the first time since he was admitted.

Here's where we stand right now. They are leaning towards one of three things or a combination of them that would explain T's issues. They have determined that he has ADHD and are trying to narrow down what is driving it. Executive Order Disorder, Visual Learning Process Disorder, or NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD). Because of his Birthmother's NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), they are leaning more towards this end of the diagnosis. They have given him a simulate this week to see if this will curve the ADHD issues. He is still being treated like he has a mood disorder as well. They are treating the symptoms, while wading through the diagnosis (which I think is great).

He is scheduled for a NeuroPsch. in October and a genetics test (due to the HGH issues and thyroid issues- along with some physical malfunctions). The malfunctions are not indicative of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) but perhaps something else. His PCDOC met with his Endo and they can't come up with a syndrome that would match these issues, but they are as the PCDOC said "covering their butts".

Here is where I'm struggling. His Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) believes that I'm too emotional attached to T. I'm confused by this statement for the pure fact that I come at this from the world of an adoptive mom. For years, I have worked to make sure that my kids are secure in their attachment to our family and that I am to them. If I'm not emotionally attached than I'm not a good mom, if I'm too emotionally attached than I'm not a good mom. Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) words were that I'm tightly wound up in trying to help him and that he believes that "I'm desperate" to find a way to help T. I feel like I got thrown under the bus today. I know this sound petty and stupid, but shouldn't I be seeking ways to help T even if he is at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? He's coming home in less than a month. The Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) said that with a NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), you can pretty much plan on the fact that he will never be alright. That he will be made fun of, unable to hold a job, and will never find a spouse. He will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life. Keep in mind, T is six.

I know that the future for T has changed. I have grieved the loss of what might have been, but I'm unwilling to stand by and believe that this is the end of his life or ours. There is no crystal ball, but I can't help but feel like this isn't the end of the world either. I actually feel some sense of relief in the fact that I have known something wasn't quite right for a long time with T. But for all the things that just frustrate the heck out of me with him, but he has an amazing insight on life that I'm would have never thought of if it wasn't for him.

I'm not discounting all of what the Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) said. I know that he has no emotional attachment to the kids that he helps and so it is easier to tell it like it is. But ya'll are mothers and fathers and maybe you can tell me like it is from the standpoint of someone who loves their child but is real about where they are at. Can I find a happy medium between being too emotionally wrapped up in this and not caring at all?

 

[Shari]

The Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) said that with a NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), you can pretty much plan on the fact that he will never be alright. That he will be made fun of, unable to hold a job, and will never find a spouse. He will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life. Keep in mind, T is six.

Just MHO, but if this is the advice this person is giving you at SIX, that particular person would not be a part of any team trying to help my child overcome his difficulties. With all due respect Mr Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), with an attitude like that, how do you expect to help anyone?

Never mind the fact that diagnosis'es given at 6 are rarely the sum total of the picture. Fact is, they are likely to change multiple times by the time he's 10-12-15-20. I'd hate for everyone to give up on him because a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) told you to when he was 6.

Ya know...this almost makes me mad.

 

[Dharmamama]

You CAN find a happy medium and nobody else can tell you exactly what it is, especially not someone who doesn't know you very well. Give all you can to your children while leaving enough for yourself to stay healthy-minded and whatever you do, don't feel like someone other than yourself can define you!

Hang in, sweetie, you are doing your very best!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

His Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) believes that I'm too emotional attached to T......Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) words were that I'm tightly wound up in trying to help him and that he believes that "I'm desperate" to find a way to help T. I feel like I got thrown under the bus today. I know this sound petty and stupid, but shouldn't I be seeking ways to help T even if he is at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? He's coming home in less than a month. The Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) said that with a NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), you can pretty much plan on the fact that he will never be alright. That he will be made fun of, unable to hold a job, and will never find a spouse. He will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life. Keep in mind, T is six..........Can I find a happy medium between being too emotionally wrapped up in this and not caring at all?

"emotionally attached", "tightly wound", "emotionally wrapped up" - perhaps this social worker needs to be re-licensed! What an awful load to lay on your shoulders. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine a social worker looking in the eyes of a parent with a 6-year old and saying, "Your son will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life." Certainly your son will face challenges in his life, that's difficult child territory, but to assume he won't be happy and to tell a parent that? To insinuate that your son will end up alone, have no friends, and never hold a job is abhorrent behavior in my opinion and something that I would certainly address!

Of course there is a happy medium - don't obsess over things you cannot change, accept that there will be challenges, always keep and eye and an ear out for new information, and love your son like the dickens! Explore all the options, accept the help of others, don't make excuses for your son, and take pride in every little accomplishment. A happy medium is when he is not you're every waking thought but is the joy or worry in the quiet times. A happy medium is working with the family member who most needs your help at the moment while still doing what is best for the entire family.

Please don't let this SW make you question your motives, your love, or your desire to find some answers for your son. One question, since they seem pretty sure they are dealing with a mood issue, did the prescribe him a mood stabilizer before placing him on the stimulants this week?

Hugs,
Sharon

 

[zba189]

Please don't let this SW make you question your motives, your love, or your desire to find some answers for your son. One question, since they seem pretty sure they are dealing with a mood issue, did the prescribe him a mood stabilizer before placing him on the stimulants this week?

He is only taking Risperdal. Whether they believe that is a mood stabilizer or not is still unclear to me.

 

[confuzzled]

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) words were that I'm tightly wound up in trying to help him and that he believes that "I'm desperate" to find a way to help T.

you wouldnt be a mom if you werent.

if you arent the one to help him, who will be?
surely it wont be this SW.

i'd discount each and every negative thing they said about you in this meeting. ignore, and move on.

 

[susiestar]

The Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) is an idiot. A total, complete, 110% idiot. His picture is beside every single definition of the word.

Wiz has NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD), which is non verbal learning disorder - NOT Visual learning process disorder. I am not sure what the visual learning process disorder is, but I have a strong feeling that the Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) has very little grasp on what these things mean also.

ANYONE who tells you that your 6yo cannot be a happy, productive adult is smoking crack. Wiz has learned MANY MANY ways to cope with his NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) and Executive Function Disorder. There are a TON of ways to learn to cope with this, esp in this technological society!!!!!!!

Find a different Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) or therapist and file a complaint against this one. Telling you that you are too attached and that your son is destined to a certain kind of life is bad therapy at best, and likely is malpractice.

The idiot does NOT have a crystal ball and his ideas about your child's future are delusions. I won't guarantee that your son will be a corporate CEO, but there is plenty of time for interventions and treatments to see that he has a good chance at a decent life as an adult.

 

[slsh]

Hmmmm, this makes the second SW today who seems to have found a crystal ball and can predict the future. EGADS! Your son is 6. That is so young... of course you're desperate to help him. That's in the mom job description and in my humble opinion absolutely positively appropriate.

"That he will be made fun of, unable to hold a job, and will never find a spouse. He will be bitter and unhappy for the rest of his life." This is such an utterly ridiculous statement that all I can think to say is, Are you kidding me?!?! This guy is in the wrong business if he can so calmly write off a 6-year-old. Personally, I'd be speaking with- his supervisor, because he's got some serious deficiencies in performing his job appropriately.

Your son is 6. I am a huge believer in early intervention, and in terms of LDs and mental illness, 6 is early. You have at least a solid 12 years in front of you to help your son learn to accommodate for whatever challenges may come up, to learn tools to use to manage his LDs/mood swings/whatever. There is such a huge amount of growth ahead for him. And kids are resilient and adaptive.

Yes, there is going to come a time when you are going to have to start learning to detach, not be as emotionally invested in your kid, but now is most definitely not that time. Now is the time to work hard to find him the very best services - school, therapeutic, recreational, medical, psychiatric - that you can. Now is the time to *advocate* (which I suspect your SW would also call "too emotionally involved"). Now is when you and your son work so that he can be a happy, healthy, law-abiding, and productive adult. Yes, maybe his future has changed but to be honest with- you, I think all of our kids' futures change as they grow up and become their own person. Not many adults fulfill *their* parents' fantasies of who they would be.

I think it's really hard to "be real" about where our kids are at, developmentally/emotionally, when there are definitely issues there. But I very strongly believe that at the end of the day, the parents know the kids best. They have a better feel than any professional out there for what their child's strengths are, what positive things they are capable of. I also believe that our kids show us their potential, and we see it far more clearly than any professional.

I know with- my difficult child, his diagnosis changed only about a gazillion times between the age of 6 and 16 - bipolar was always a constant, but I think we used every letter in the alphabet at some point during that decade for add-on diagnoses. Kids grow, mature, change. We have to take cues from them and adapt as well.

So... I'd take this SW's pronouncements with a whole lot of grains of salt. Maybe a whole salt mine. Find a good therapist in your community (if you don't already have one) so that you and your son and your family can get supports when he's home again. Get copies of the evaluations they do, when/if they define his learning challenges, and get it up to your school to request that he be evaluated for an IEP so that interventions can start now in school. Keep on being emotionally involved (it's foreign to me that anyone could think that is bad - I mean, you don't strike me as someone who is unhealthy in their attachment to their child). We'll chat about detachment in about 10-12 years, ok?