Help me stay strong!!

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

Well I need your great words of wisdom to stay strong. I am holding it together but my difficult child is starting to drive me absolutely crazy... it was a bad day to begin with because I ran into our very old dog with the car!!! She is sore and hurting but nothing is broken and she will probably be ok but man that made me feel terrible. It was one of those awful accidents where I wasnt paying enough attention, she got distracted by my husband who had just driven up, and she is pretty deaf and so probably didnt hear me backing up!! Anyway that was the start of my day.

So difficult child has been posting all this stuff on Fb. I get that in some ways i would be better off if I didnt look at it but it is my one way to know he is still alive and to have any kind of communication with him. A couple of days ago it was this dark stuff that turned otu to be song lyrics.... then it was some humor, then it is about how he needs help, he is cold and hungry and really homeless, then it was an appeal to friends/family to help anyway they can... and tonight it was "someone please help".

So on the one hand it is pulling my heart strings in a major way.... but on the other hand I am feeling very frustrated because he will not take the help that we have offered, and will not call people who are willing and can help him. At one point I asked him point blank if living on the streets was better than following the rules of recovery... since that is what he said to me a couple of months ago. His response was that he needed recovery, from not having a job and being cold and hunbry.. that he did not need recovery from weed and alcohol!!! Ok fine.. and then he posts something on FB about how he lloves beer! Gee Whiz. I told him I was not going to tell him what to do but that I suggested he call my friend in LA who has been in his position... after that came the "someone please help!".

So I am holding back from jumping in... I have offered help and he is not taking it.. he obviously wants a different kind of help (ie cash) which I am not willing to give him. But I have to stay unwilling because watching him in this awful place and being homeless and cold and hunbry is killing me. I know it is what I have to do, that nothing else is going to help but it is so so hard.

TL

 

[pasajes4]

You are torturing yourself. How is he getting on facebook? He does not want help he wants a handout. He won't go to a shelter because they won't take people who are high. You offered to help him but it requires growing up and taking responsibility.

 

[Nancy]

Stay strong TL. This is where the tough love gets really really tough, as if it wasn't tough before huh?. But it's true he doesn't want help, he wants things given to him. What kind of insanity is it when he posts that he loves beer in the same breath as saying that he is cold and hungry and needs help but says he doesn't need recovery from drugs and alcohol just recovery from cold and homelessness. He needs to figure out why he is cold and hungry and homeless. And he needs to stop asking for a handout and start taking the help that is offered. Who does he think on fb is going to give him what he wants? This is crazy TL. And I am angry because he knows it gets to you and he is hoping you will give in.

I know you are worried and scared out of your mind and have an awful pit in your stomach like what if he dies, but you cannot save him, he has to do that himself and he knows the way to get there. It is not fair that he is doing this to you, but he can only do that if you let him. Hard as it may be you have to stop reading that koi on fb. He knows how to get in touch with you, he always does when he wants something. And you have to make peace with the fact that yes he may die. We talk about that in our support group and we all agree that we had to get there before we could find peace in our lives. Remember we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

Your easy child deserves to have your full attention and to not see you sad and anxious because of what he is choosing to do with his life.

(((((HUGS)))))
Nancy

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi TL,
First, I'm so sorry about your dog - that must've scared the living daylights out of you. When my difficult child was at his worst, my mind was so plagued with our issues, and I'm a very good (or lucky) driver, and haven't had but one accident. Well, I was lost in thought that day, and heartsick as usual. I came up my driveway and just crashed into the pillar between the 2 garages, and I can't believe it happened, to this day. I wasn't myself that day - having an SA son consumed me. When my easy child found out what happened, she begged me to see what all this business with difficult child was doing to me, when I thought I had it all under control. But a garage is just a garage...a dog is a member of the family. I hope you're both feeling better now.
Your son is at a crossroads, and you may be, as well. He's asking for help, but not the right kind. He wants people to rescue him from the situation he has put himself in, but on his own terms...not weed, alcohol intervention, but "give me stuff I didn't work for" intervention. He is disordered in his thinking, and it is very distressing. You are offering real help, but if he's not ready to accept it, what's the alternative? He is painting himself into a corner and you're doing all the right things: offering appropriate help, showing love and support. He is able bodied, but chooses not to work. If his mental issues prevent him from doing so, again, you're offering support to get him the help he needs.
He may be playing you a little, because you're probably the only one who is watching is FB posts so intently, and he knows, deep down that he can push your buttons. I don't know if you want to go this route, but would you consider leaving him a FB msg. that you're concerned about his welfare, you love him,you're offering appropriate help, but until he's ready to accept your offer, you are taking a break from looking at his page? He will know that you love him, but he cannot make you "eat your liver" over his frantic posts.

Of course he's going to be cold, hungry and lonely. He walked out of treatment. He said himself that he doesn't want to follow rules. His brand of freedom has unique consequences, and it is draining the joy out of you. Real freedom comes with all kinds of responsibility. You are strong and helpful, caring and loving. His issues are bigger than him, and bigger than you. Hang in there, TL, I hope he cries "uncle" real soon.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Gosh TL, I am so sorry you're going through this. First of all, gentle hugs coming your way..... Pasa, Nancy and CJ have given you great advice, and geez, I know how hard it is. When our difficult child's are "out there" in our opinion, so vulnerable, so unsafe, so alone, it is just devastating to think of them in those terms, all our instincts want to protect, to help, to nurture, to bring home. BUT, he is making the choice to stay "out there" no one is nailing him to that spot. If he is hungry and cold, all he has to do is call you to get help. For whatever reason, he is not willing to do that. He may be someday, but not today.

I think what you are doing, what I'm doing, what many of us here are in the process of doing, is the most difficult, most painful thing we can do as parents. It is hard, it's really hard, but little by little, you can stop torturing yourself, you can detach just a little, just enough to get through tonight, tomorrow, the next day. I would limit my FB checking to every other day, or every 3 days and then wean yourself away. Give yourself some time in between to expand your own life without worrying about your difficult child so you strengthen that part of you.

Hang in there TL, you always do a wonderful job being a Mom, and this is so difficult.........but it does ease up, really.........HUGS..............

 

[Kathy813]

Is your husband still out of town? It seems like my difficult child always had her worst times when I had to deal with things by myself.

Nancy had great advice. I'm just adding {{{hugs}}}.

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

No advice, just want you to know I care. Lean on us and stay strong. XO

 

[DammitJanet]

TL, one thing I wanted to let you know is that food pantries and soup kitchens will give him help even if he is using pot and drinking. So many of the homeless are on drugs these days that if they removed those clients from their list they would have very few people to serve. If you want to post something to him, look up a list of available resources in his area or even state if you dont know his exact place he is living. If you do know the town, you can pick up a copy of the book that teaches people how to survive by dumpster diving and send it to him by general delivery to be picked up at his local post office. That way he doesnt need a permanent address for you to mail it.

I do think he is playing you. I have told you before about me running away to NYC when I was about your son's age. Yeah just about stupid. I ended up lost as could be in the middle of Times Square because the idiot that I let take me up there disappeared on me about 36 hours after we got there. I had no money and no clothes because he stole everything from me. He even took my suitcase out of the trunk and only left me with about a quarter tank of gas. That first night alone on the streets I sat alone in my car with the doors locked and a knife in my hand. Thankfully I did meet two guys who took me under their wing and kept me safe even though they werent exactly good people. I did call home for money that I told my parents was to get me home but I didnt use it for that. I used it to continue to party for a few more weeks up there. Eventually I got really sick from sleeping on the streets and in cold water flats in Harlem. I saw things no one should see. Especially middle class girls from the suburbs of Richmond..lol. When I got so sick, one of the guys put me into a shelter that he knew would get me home. It was called Covenant House and it catered to homeless teens under 21 and they put me on a bus back to my parents. I did lose a car in the process though. It broke down in NYC and I am sure it was stripped before I was out of town good..lol. Interesting experience and I am lucky to be alive. I know that now but you couldnt have told me that then for anything in the world.

That is why I have a bit of experience with the shelters and food places. I saw a ton of people using them who were very high.

 

[Tiredof33]

It's hard, my difficult child was posting all kinds of crazy stuff on FB. I don't go there very often, but someone would always tell me what he had posted.

After his last request for money, that I turned down, I have been blocked on FB and never loved him and he will stay out of my 'perfect life'.

I dislike being told that if I don't give him money he will steal and go to prison or commit suicide and it is all my fault. My difficult child is so immature and he is back with the girlie from h***.

Of course, his request for money was for food, that has worked for him in the past. I refuse to be manipulated any more. There are plenty of places they can go for food, mine refuses to go to the shelters. One day I hope he will finally grow into a responsible person. In the mean time I have a life too. My difficult child has been like this far too long.

(((huggs and blessings)))

 

[DDD]

Hugs. DDD

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you all for all your comments and support and just general caring. Your comments really helped!!! I realized that yes he is totally playing me and being manipulative. It is funny but somehow the posts on FB felt directed at his friends (not me) and so I just felt so sad that not many were responding and how can these people help him?? It did not occur to me that of course it is a way for him to push my mommy buttons without directly asking me for anything!! He is very manipulative and smart so it could all be with a purose.. and maybe it isn't. However it doesnt matter, there is help available to him, and I think he knows it and in fact knows perfectly well how to access it. So I got my head on straight at least for today... went to my dhs work Xmas party and actually had a good time!!!

Nancy you are right about needing to deal with the fact that he may die... I think I have done that and then when faced with the real fear I fall apart. I dont think there is any way to fully prepare for that but knowing I have done what I can and really do not have any control does help.

Thanks again to everyone... I really dont know what I would do with out this forum!!

TL

Jane thanks for your comments.. yes he is playing me. I am still not at a point where I can stop checking his facebook but I have decided to no longer give unsolicited responses to his crazy status updates. I will respond to him when he private messages me and otherwise i will keep quiet. I dont think he can tell if I am reading his page or not, except when I express concern to him so I am going to stop doing that.

husband is back in town. He got back on Friday and that helps... and going to work tomorrow will help too.

 

[toughlovin]

Somehow my last post didnt come out right... I think I lost some of it. I also wanted to say Janet some of your experiences also real help me realize that many people end up with crazy experiences (from my viewpoint) and survive.... in fact I myself did some pretty stupid things when I was young. LOL. Not as stupid as my difficult child but still...

TL

 

[Nancy]

I'm glad husband is back in town and you had a nice time at the party. It's so important to have those times where we get to enjoy life for a few hours without the constant difficult child worry.

 

[lovemysons]

Your doing good TL.

Yep, definitely think your difficult child was pulling at your heartstrings. I wish he wanted REAL help again...not just sympathy or even cash. One of these days living on the streets is going to get old...I just know it.

Glad your husband is home too...oh, and sorry about your dog. You had to have been so upset.
Does seem like some days the **** just mounts one on top of the other huh?

Thinking of you...Please keep us posted.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks LMS... I am staying strong!! difficult child did not post on FB for several days and then there was a post last night that he had f**** himself because his sleeping bag was in a locked room and it was going to be a sleepless night. Guess that means he has a place to keep it during the day!! LOL. And husband pointed out he only seems to post when he wants sympathy so maybe when we dont hear from him that is a good sign. Anyway seeing a post I at least know he is still alive and I am just moving forward myself.

The dog seems to be ok... old but ok. I have sympathy for her as I fell myself this morning (husband left something in the hallway which klutzy me tripped over) so I banged up my knee (again) and am a bit sore this morning. Guess I am getting old too!!

Anyway I am feeling pretty clear and ok this morning.

Thank you all,

TL

 

[lovemysons]

Oh man...sorry about your knee!

I think your difficult child is surviving just fine out there. While it really bothers me that he is choosing to live this life for now...I don't think it's forever. At some point I believe he will want to try and function like the rest of us again.

You and your husband have done SO MUCH to give difficult child the kind of help he has needed...and yet he rejects what you have provided in order to have his Own will and Way. At some point he will see that it isn't working. I hope it's soon.

Hang in there,
LMS