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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 195495" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome. We do understand. And with our collective experiences we can all help each other.</p><p></p><p>Now, you've had lots of sympathy from people who understand so I won't waste any more of you time, apart to say - I also sympathise. </p><p></p><p>So here are some strong suggestions for you, to survive for now.</p><p></p><p>1) Get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. OK, he's not so much explosive as whiny and controlling, but it still applies. Kids who are explosive are also that way because they need to control. So does this boy.</p><p></p><p>2) Stop feeling guilty for your feelings. You have every right to be resentful. You would still have every right to be resentful if he was your flesh and blood, but the ONLY link you have to this kid, is you happen to love his father. So - vent away. Feel free. You're entitled.</p><p>Second, on the subject of guilt - it doesn't achieve anything in your situation. Guilt slows you down. This is a good thing if you feel guilty because of your own impulsive actions, but it is a bad thing if the guilt is interfering with your ability to be an effective advocate. So if you begin to feel guilty for feeling bad about feeling guilty - don't go there. Thataway, lies madness. And totally becoming ineffective due to too much introspection!</p><p></p><p>3) OK, I hope I made you smile, because the next thing - you need to hold on to your sense of humour. You need it now, more than ever. Again, you're entitled.</p><p></p><p>4) Get your partner to lurk here and/or post here. These are HIS kids, he needs to at least own the decisions being taken on his behalf. He wouldn't be the only bloke on this site - my husband posts here too. However, even more than he posts, he lurks. In finding out what I've been saying about various things, he gets an idea of what I'm thinking about. We talk about these things too. It all helps a great deal. It has brought us even closer together, when we thought we already WERE as close as possible.</p><p></p><p>5) If possible before his placement, see if you can organise the neuropsychologist assessment for him. Having a better understanding of what is REALLY going on in that head should make it easier to handle him. ODD rarely travels alone, too often there is something else underneath that is a major contributing factor.</p><p></p><p>6) Some housekeeping - if you can, do a sig for yourself here. If possible, do not put anything in it that identifies you or any member of your family, by name. You need anonymity in order to be able to post without anyone tracking you. let's just say you have a problem with a teacher or a therapist and you feel a desperate need to vent and maybe get advice - has the person so badly overstepped the mark tat you should sue? Then the last thing you need, is the chance that the teacher or therapist in question can identify you (or your child) from your posts. You don't need such people second-guessing you, or penalising you or the children because of what you might say here. Similarly, you should feel free to vent where you feel the need, and not have to hold back for fear of what a lurker might feel.</p><p></p><p>Now, I could be wrong here. But if this boy has got into the habit of playing one person against the other, he's had ample opportunity to practice this with his mother and with you guys. He sounds like he's really good at it. So how can you be really sure that she IS as bad as you feel she is? You are at the end of your tether now. Is this perhaps where she was when she handed the kids over to your partner?</p><p></p><p>You only hear bad stuff about her, from the boy. She only hears bad stuff about you two, from the boy. He is convincing. Is there the possibility that you could ring her up and say to her, "I know we've had some misunderstandings, but I am becoming aware of how much he tells tales. Have you noticed this?" If necessary, and if you feel she is receptive, share with her (and ask her to share with you) about your experiences.</p><p></p><p>However, if you feel you won't get truth from her either, then go carefully, don't do this. It is only a thought. There may be a way to make contact safely, to let her know that you now take everything the boy has said, with a large tub of salt.</p><p></p><p>Your description of tis boy - everything has to revolve around him. He tells these stories in order to gain sympathy (and often some other advantage, such as extra food). He is stealing food from the kitchen. I wouldn't be surprised to discover he is also stealing food elsewhere, including from school? Although don't your schools have lunch provided at school? We don't in Australia; kids like this boy often steal from other kids bags. We had a kid doing this to easy child when she was in Kindergarten, we had to make sure easy child's lunchbox was left in the school office under supervision. Plus we changed easy child's lunches to include food this kid wouldn't like (dry bread, black olives, pickled octopus).</p><p>Just a thought.</p><p></p><p>If he's doing this primarily to get attention (this includes sabotaging any fun others might have that doesn't revolve around him) then he's already in serious behaviour patterns.</p><p></p><p>Yelling and shouting will do nothing. Neither will punishment, especially if he refuses to acknowledge any personal responsibility. All punishment does then it to increase his resentment at how he's being treated; his own actions and the consequences have become separated.</p><p></p><p>Part of "Explosive Child" as I mentioned, shows how to change your own parenting to a method which challenges a lot of these entrenched behaviour patterns. It's a parenting method which works well with other kids too.</p><p></p><p>Now, a bit more housekeeping - the others are right about using paragraphs if you can. I'm happy to read a very long post - I don't have a problem with it. But my eyes do get tired if the paragraphs are too long. It's easier if you break up each thought process into separate paragraphs.</p><p></p><p>Now, our abbreviations - the information is on the site, I'd have to go looking for it now because I haven't needed it in a while. So I'll let you do the digging I would have to do - you might find a few more useful gems along the way and I wouldn't want to deprive you of that!</p><p>But just quickly, the basics - easy child is Perfect Child, the ones who are getting on OK. difficult child is the child who brought you here, the one with the problems. Mind you, some of us have more than one of those!</p><p>husband is Darling Husband. wife is Darling Wife, for those men on this site. DEX is Darling Ex (although sometimes the 'darling' is a bit tongue in cheek). SO is Significant Other. If you look at my sig, you will see I numbered my kids according to their ages. You will also see that sometimes a kid can be a difficult child, sometimes a easy child.</p><p></p><p>Anything else - ask. From what you describe, you are right to be concerned. He sounds like a cuckoo chick, trying to sabotage the survival of the others in the nest in order to maximise his own chances. And while we are critical of cuckoos for doing this, it is unfortunately for them a survival necessity. I think it is vital for the survival of your sanity among other things, to find out why he feels so desperately needy that he MUST have all eyes on him, all resources expended on him, until you are beyond exhaustion.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 195495, member: 1991"] Welcome. We do understand. And with our collective experiences we can all help each other. Now, you've had lots of sympathy from people who understand so I won't waste any more of you time, apart to say - I also sympathise. So here are some strong suggestions for you, to survive for now. 1) Get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. OK, he's not so much explosive as whiny and controlling, but it still applies. Kids who are explosive are also that way because they need to control. So does this boy. 2) Stop feeling guilty for your feelings. You have every right to be resentful. You would still have every right to be resentful if he was your flesh and blood, but the ONLY link you have to this kid, is you happen to love his father. So - vent away. Feel free. You're entitled. Second, on the subject of guilt - it doesn't achieve anything in your situation. Guilt slows you down. This is a good thing if you feel guilty because of your own impulsive actions, but it is a bad thing if the guilt is interfering with your ability to be an effective advocate. So if you begin to feel guilty for feeling bad about feeling guilty - don't go there. Thataway, lies madness. And totally becoming ineffective due to too much introspection! 3) OK, I hope I made you smile, because the next thing - you need to hold on to your sense of humour. You need it now, more than ever. Again, you're entitled. 4) Get your partner to lurk here and/or post here. These are HIS kids, he needs to at least own the decisions being taken on his behalf. He wouldn't be the only bloke on this site - my husband posts here too. However, even more than he posts, he lurks. In finding out what I've been saying about various things, he gets an idea of what I'm thinking about. We talk about these things too. It all helps a great deal. It has brought us even closer together, when we thought we already WERE as close as possible. 5) If possible before his placement, see if you can organise the neuropsychologist assessment for him. Having a better understanding of what is REALLY going on in that head should make it easier to handle him. ODD rarely travels alone, too often there is something else underneath that is a major contributing factor. 6) Some housekeeping - if you can, do a sig for yourself here. If possible, do not put anything in it that identifies you or any member of your family, by name. You need anonymity in order to be able to post without anyone tracking you. let's just say you have a problem with a teacher or a therapist and you feel a desperate need to vent and maybe get advice - has the person so badly overstepped the mark tat you should sue? Then the last thing you need, is the chance that the teacher or therapist in question can identify you (or your child) from your posts. You don't need such people second-guessing you, or penalising you or the children because of what you might say here. Similarly, you should feel free to vent where you feel the need, and not have to hold back for fear of what a lurker might feel. Now, I could be wrong here. But if this boy has got into the habit of playing one person against the other, he's had ample opportunity to practice this with his mother and with you guys. He sounds like he's really good at it. So how can you be really sure that she IS as bad as you feel she is? You are at the end of your tether now. Is this perhaps where she was when she handed the kids over to your partner? You only hear bad stuff about her, from the boy. She only hears bad stuff about you two, from the boy. He is convincing. Is there the possibility that you could ring her up and say to her, "I know we've had some misunderstandings, but I am becoming aware of how much he tells tales. Have you noticed this?" If necessary, and if you feel she is receptive, share with her (and ask her to share with you) about your experiences. However, if you feel you won't get truth from her either, then go carefully, don't do this. It is only a thought. There may be a way to make contact safely, to let her know that you now take everything the boy has said, with a large tub of salt. Your description of tis boy - everything has to revolve around him. He tells these stories in order to gain sympathy (and often some other advantage, such as extra food). He is stealing food from the kitchen. I wouldn't be surprised to discover he is also stealing food elsewhere, including from school? Although don't your schools have lunch provided at school? We don't in Australia; kids like this boy often steal from other kids bags. We had a kid doing this to easy child when she was in Kindergarten, we had to make sure easy child's lunchbox was left in the school office under supervision. Plus we changed easy child's lunches to include food this kid wouldn't like (dry bread, black olives, pickled octopus). Just a thought. If he's doing this primarily to get attention (this includes sabotaging any fun others might have that doesn't revolve around him) then he's already in serious behaviour patterns. Yelling and shouting will do nothing. Neither will punishment, especially if he refuses to acknowledge any personal responsibility. All punishment does then it to increase his resentment at how he's being treated; his own actions and the consequences have become separated. Part of "Explosive Child" as I mentioned, shows how to change your own parenting to a method which challenges a lot of these entrenched behaviour patterns. It's a parenting method which works well with other kids too. Now, a bit more housekeeping - the others are right about using paragraphs if you can. I'm happy to read a very long post - I don't have a problem with it. But my eyes do get tired if the paragraphs are too long. It's easier if you break up each thought process into separate paragraphs. Now, our abbreviations - the information is on the site, I'd have to go looking for it now because I haven't needed it in a while. So I'll let you do the digging I would have to do - you might find a few more useful gems along the way and I wouldn't want to deprive you of that! But just quickly, the basics - easy child is Perfect Child, the ones who are getting on OK. difficult child is the child who brought you here, the one with the problems. Mind you, some of us have more than one of those! husband is Darling Husband. wife is Darling Wife, for those men on this site. DEX is Darling Ex (although sometimes the 'darling' is a bit tongue in cheek). SO is Significant Other. If you look at my sig, you will see I numbered my kids according to their ages. You will also see that sometimes a kid can be a difficult child, sometimes a easy child. Anything else - ask. From what you describe, you are right to be concerned. He sounds like a cuckoo chick, trying to sabotage the survival of the others in the nest in order to maximise his own chances. And while we are critical of cuckoos for doing this, it is unfortunately for them a survival necessity. I think it is vital for the survival of your sanity among other things, to find out why he feels so desperately needy that he MUST have all eyes on him, all resources expended on him, until you are beyond exhaustion. Marg [/QUOTE]
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