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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 19624" data-attributes="member: 84"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> "When I say JUMP, you jump, and on the way up, ask how high!"</div></div> </p><p></p><p>I'm another kid raised under this rule. (taken to the extreme) It makes it really difficult to assume an adult role around the parent once your grown. So much so that my siblings, all older than myself, haven't been able to manage it. I swear, to watch them around my Mom is shocking. They all look at me in awe, like I've found some magic key or something. lol</p><p></p><p>But then I spent the vast majority of the time with my grandmother while they had to live under her rule 24/7. The vast contrast between Grandmother and mother gave me a healthier more objective view on her behavior than I'd have had otherwise.</p><p></p><p>If she was one of the martyr types, always telling the kids what sacrifices she made for them ect, on top of it, they would carry an underlying guilt with them. (my Mom again) And would feel that nothing they ever did was good enough or equal to the sacrifices their own mother made.</p><p></p><p>It would at least explain your husband's reaction to her. His behavior reminds me of my siblings. And even myself, before I got a grip. </p><p></p><p>mother in law's behavior could be being exaserbated by age. Now she's alone and afraid no one will take care of her when she needs it. Maybe that no one will be able to care for her the way she's used to living. And it could be being aggravated by senility, or some other cause.</p><p></p><p>Regardless of the cause, you're right, this is between husband and his Mom. At the beginning of our marriage I used to tell husband to "just stay out of my relationship" with my Mom. It was something I had to work out with my Mom. No one else could do it for me. I know at times he thought my reactions to her were cold hearted and downright mean. He'd grown up in a non abusive, loving household. He had nothing in his experiences to help him understand.</p><p></p><p>It was, put simply, a power struggle. My Mom was fighting for dominance. Because the only way she feels secure in a relationship is by being in total control. I was fighting for equality. Because I knew we'd never have a real relationship without it. I can see that clearly now. In the middle of it I just wanted to strangle the life out of her most of the time. lmao</p><p></p><p>This is why I know that if my Mom becomes unable to live alone, I won't be the one to take her in. We have a pretty good relationship these days. But if she were to move in, it would make her feel volnerable. And that would start the war all over again. *sigh*</p><p></p><p>As for mother in law not making her own meals..... That may just be how she was raised. I will not make myself "at home" in anyone else's home. Never. Not my mother's, siblings, friends, even my grown easy child's. I was raised that such behavior was the epitome of rudeness. (reinforced by both grandmother and mother) I can't overcome it no matter how hard I try. Weird huh? Those things do get ingrained. lol I won't even help myself to a glass of water at easy child's house. Annoys the heck out of her. lol</p><p></p><p>((((hugs))))</p><p></p><p>Now I know how my own husband must have felt during all those visits. Just do like I used to, count down the days. You're pass the halfway mark. :wink:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 19624, member: 84"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> "When I say JUMP, you jump, and on the way up, ask how high!"</div></div> I'm another kid raised under this rule. (taken to the extreme) It makes it really difficult to assume an adult role around the parent once your grown. So much so that my siblings, all older than myself, haven't been able to manage it. I swear, to watch them around my Mom is shocking. They all look at me in awe, like I've found some magic key or something. lol But then I spent the vast majority of the time with my grandmother while they had to live under her rule 24/7. The vast contrast between Grandmother and mother gave me a healthier more objective view on her behavior than I'd have had otherwise. If she was one of the martyr types, always telling the kids what sacrifices she made for them ect, on top of it, they would carry an underlying guilt with them. (my Mom again) And would feel that nothing they ever did was good enough or equal to the sacrifices their own mother made. It would at least explain your husband's reaction to her. His behavior reminds me of my siblings. And even myself, before I got a grip. mother in law's behavior could be being exaserbated by age. Now she's alone and afraid no one will take care of her when she needs it. Maybe that no one will be able to care for her the way she's used to living. And it could be being aggravated by senility, or some other cause. Regardless of the cause, you're right, this is between husband and his Mom. At the beginning of our marriage I used to tell husband to "just stay out of my relationship" with my Mom. It was something I had to work out with my Mom. No one else could do it for me. I know at times he thought my reactions to her were cold hearted and downright mean. He'd grown up in a non abusive, loving household. He had nothing in his experiences to help him understand. It was, put simply, a power struggle. My Mom was fighting for dominance. Because the only way she feels secure in a relationship is by being in total control. I was fighting for equality. Because I knew we'd never have a real relationship without it. I can see that clearly now. In the middle of it I just wanted to strangle the life out of her most of the time. lmao This is why I know that if my Mom becomes unable to live alone, I won't be the one to take her in. We have a pretty good relationship these days. But if she were to move in, it would make her feel volnerable. And that would start the war all over again. *sigh* As for mother in law not making her own meals..... That may just be how she was raised. I will not make myself "at home" in anyone else's home. Never. Not my mother's, siblings, friends, even my grown easy child's. I was raised that such behavior was the epitome of rudeness. (reinforced by both grandmother and mother) I can't overcome it no matter how hard I try. Weird huh? Those things do get ingrained. lol I won't even help myself to a glass of water at easy child's house. Annoys the heck out of her. lol ((((hugs)))) Now I know how my own husband must have felt during all those visits. Just do like I used to, count down the days. You're pass the halfway mark. [img]:wink:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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