Help, my daughter holds it together at school and explodes at home!

Discussion in 'Special Ed 101' started by Kez508, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. Kez508

    Kez508 New Member

    I am at the end of my rope! My nine year old AS daughter is in a mainstreamed class with an IEP which they are only partially following. She has speech once a week, is supposedly on a touch base /stand by basis with Occupational Therapist (OT), and is supposed to receive resource teaching for 30 mins at the end of every day to help "transition out" of her day. She has difficulty going to school... flips out in the mornings, cries she doesn't feel well, doesn't want to go. I get her there (Late alot of times) and she holds herself together, is not disruptive, her grades are average, although homework is like pulling teeth!! When I pick her up from school in the afternoon she melts down often before we even get out of the car! I recalled an IEP meeting.. it is coming up in two weeks, and voiced my frustrations to her teacher and principle..they reassured me she is fine at school and basically hinted since she loses it at home it is not their problem. She is under the care of a psychiatrist, and goes to a social skills group weekly. No current medications. And the school hinted "they would come up with a 504 plan for her.." does that mean taking away her IEP? Can they even do that? Any tips on what I should bring to the table.. our whole household is impacted by this on a daily basis...she is too overwhelmed, I feel she needs a smaller setting.. too much sensory stimulation. And her self esteem has plumetted, she makes remarks like she shouldn't be here, and she's stupid, ugly, ect. Please help?!? Desperate Mom at witts end.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Fight tooth and nail to keep her on the IEP (yes, the reference to 504 means they are looking to drop her IEP).

    Can you get a letter from her psychiatrist stating that he current school schedule does not provide enough support and that it is causing significant mental health issues?

    This is an area that many of us have fought. It is very frustrating because technically the school is coorect, they are only legally responsible for what happens during the school day. My response to them was that if they wouldn't look at the whole child, than I would not be able to use my time at home with my child to support their "time" -- stop doing the homework, let them figure it out, document every episode of school refusal with an e-mail to the teacher and Special Education director

    Dear Ms. Teacher,

    difficult child was 45 minutes late to school today (April 18, 2011) due to school refusal. She was very upset and fearful about going to school. I appreciate your assistance in figuring out what is happening at school to cause this.

    Just send the same note every single morning that she is late due to school refusal. Every Friday or every other add in a sentence "difficult child has missed 532 minutes of school due to school refusal in the last 10 days. Despite her great fear, I manage to get her to school every day because I understand the value of education. Please help me find out why she is so frightened.

    Just push it back on them, over and over.
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    It sounds like the IEP needs to be changed to reflect struggles in the morning. I would not let them change the IEP to a 504. They cannot change anything unless you agree. You have the final say. Remind the school district that it is not uncommon for kids to keep it together during school just to lose it at home. This is their problem if there is a problem getting her there to begin with. Maybe that needs to be a goal area, being to her class on time every morning and prepared. Another might be that she get Occupational Therapist (OT) at the end of every day to "de-stress". Something that requires her to relax or "tire" her muscles in a constructive way.

    What AS symptoms does your daughter struggle with the most? There is such a wide range that it is hard to give better advice without more specifics. Is she on any medications? What kinds of things bother her? More info would be very helpful? You should also consider posting the "getting her up and off to school on time" in the General Forum. You could get lots of good advice there. We can definitely help with the IEP stuff on this forum but not everyone reads all forums.
  4. jennd23

    jennd23 New Member

    We are in the same boat! Thanks for sharing this, I'll be checking back to see what advice you are getting!
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Holds it together at school, explodes at home. Unless her holiday days (summer is long enough to unwind) are equally explosive (I'm guessing NOT), the problem IS SCHOOL. And the primary problem is that they don't understand the kid's problem - and don't want to. It takes too much time and effort, which they don't have resources for. been there done that.

    Its easy to handle a physical disability - static, predictable, obvious - or should we say "should be easier". In reality, schools don't always get those right either!

    9 years of school problems (working on year 10) - and I don't really have any answers yet. School talks a different language. No matter what we say, they just don't get the message. SO - either troubles getting kid to go, or behavior issues when the kid gets home - and medication staff and school staff say... it can't be school. Until - things get so bad that they blow up at school. (at which point they agree there is a problem but the problem still can't be school!!!!)

    There has to be a better way.
  6. spedconsultant

    spedconsultant New Member


    I would request an IEP meeting and outline the areas you have concern and then talk to the team about ways to help create an IEP that supports your child's anxiety. There is a lot on the internet about tips for IEPs and Anxiety. I would also ask for a consultant with expertise in AS, because they will understand how anxiety manifests in children with AS. She probably needs more speech sessions that are designed to talk about communication/ social ques, nuances, etc. I would also consider putting in a session with guidance of the school psychiatric to help teach strategies to manage anxiety. You can also put in supports such as a daily schedule, build in extra breaks if needed, etc. Someone should observe her to see if noise contributes to anxiety, disruptions, etc. And look at social skills. There are many sights out there to support AS children. IDEA clearly supports both academic and functional areas, if your child has so much anxiety about school at the beginning of the day, it's certainly something your school should be working with you on. It's not about behavior, she communicating that that IEP isn't working. You may need to request evaluation in the area of anxiety, social skills, communication to help the team have the information needed to support her.
  7. susanntx

    susanntx New Member

    First I would like to say that I am sorry to hear this, I have been there and understand the impact and stress this causes in the home. I know this is hard, but your daughter views home as her "safe" house, a place where she is able to explode to releive the stress from the day, which she needs. My sons school always portrayed him as the perfect, quiet child. My sons therapist recommended a punching bag, and we did our best to make his room a "safe room". I would have a long talk with her dr. About medications. If your not opposed, they may help her greatly. The school could issue a lunch dose to help at home also. I may take a while to find the right combo for your daughter. Unfortunately, the schools aren't worried about the home life. They always thought I was making up stories about him destroying rooms, screaming, turning over furniture, and being physically aggressive, until he lost it in school one day. One thing I did was set a video camera out and taped it, his dr recommended this just in case because I would have to restrain him sometimes. We finally found the right mix of medications and has been 3 years now. He still has issues sometimes, but nothing like before. Honestly, I think you might get a full psyc evaluation done by a psychologist, you may be dealing with more than anxiety. I wouldn't make your daughter attempt homework either, and something for her to release energy on after school might help as well.
    Last edited: May 9, 2011
  8. jessiekd

    jessiekd New Member


    Hi I just ha'd time to read your post, put not the replies. I've got a appointment with my doctor tommorow so i need to go to bed, my dads gonna kill me for being up this late. but I thought I should reply, cause otherwise I will forget.

    I have a Ds of AS, ADD. as part of my As I have another diagnosis, if your from america you have probably never heard of it. I'm from Ireland and its not very known here. but my doctor worked with the women doctor who discovered it. Ill explain it a bit more in a sec.

    Your post about your daughter holding it in all day then having a melt down when she comes home, is exactly the way I was (kinda am a bit still) when I was a kid/teenager. I'm 21 now so I have more control over what situations I am put in or what I have to do. so it doesn't happen so much.

    Is your daughter described as a quiet nice girl, maybe aloof who has problems in some areas but dosent cause any trouble? then when she comes home its like the terrible 2s never ended? I think they call it Gekle and Hyde syndrome?

    I may be totally off the mark here, but I think it better be asked and be wrong than never asked at all.
    so here I go (sorry if I'm a bit all over the place.)

    Dose she obsessively resist ordinary demands?
    Dose she appearing sociable on the surface but lacking depth in their understanding?
    Does she have excessive mood swings, often switching suddenly?
    Does she get comfortable (sometimes to an extreme extent) in role play and pretending?
    Did she have language delay, seemingly as a result of passivity, but often with a good degree of 'catch-up'?
    Does she have obsessive behaviour, often focused on people rather than things?

    As i say i could be completely off the mark, but I'm of help or you want more info or something you can contact me.

    Lasted edited by : Jun 28, 2011