Help please - can't get my thoughts together

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mrscatinthehat, Dec 27, 2007.

  1. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I am working on the letter about the situation yesterday and I want to try and keep emotion out of this but express how po'd I really am...

    Any opinions would be great. Thanks.



    We are very upset with the way a situation with our son. We have been working to do the best we can for our son. We recognize that he has a variety of problems that we could not fix while he was at home. As such we sought help for him. We realize not all things can go easily however a blatant disregard for all the work that has been done and our son’s well being is unacceptable.

    When we brought T to the County Dhs office on the 26th of December to meet with our case worker K we were prepared for a discussion. He was not prepared to handle what happened. We were not prepared to see T’s bio mother. We also were not prepared for her to talk to him. Before she did she said that C had said that it was ok to do so. We had no reason at that point to doubt this as no one else came out but her and her husband and step daughter.

    When we went back our case worker had T step into the room we were to meet in and discussed with us outside the door that she had had no idea that Sue was to be there. We also found out that S was told not to communicate with T.

    My concern here is that she is no longer his parent and as she is not to have contact with him why we were not alerted that she was there? Why were we not given the opportunity to take T through the other door before she came through? With the past dynamic why didn’t C walk her out to make sure there was no contact?

    When T’s former step- sister was taken to the same campus () as he was we raised concerns then. However contact still happens. Now contact was allowed between his biological mother and him. This has already been detrimental to him when he returned to his cottage at F.
     
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    We would like to express our complete dissatisfaction and frustration over a recent event that happened at your office.

    As you are aware, we have been working to do the best we can for our son. We recognize that he has a variety of problems that we are not able to fix while he is at home. As such we sought help for him. We realize that snags along the way can happen. However, blatant disregard for all the work that has been done and the progress T has made, as well as his well-being, is unacceptable.

    When we brought T to the County Dhs office on December 26, 2007, to meet with our case worker, K, and we were prepared for a discussion. T was not at all prepared to handle the event that unfolded prior to meeting with K. Bio-mom appeared.

    None of us were prepared to see T’s bio mother. We also were not prepared for bio-mom to talk to T. Bio-mom said that C had said that it was ok to do so. We had no reason at that point to doubt bio-mom as no one else came out but her, her husband and her step-daughter.

    When we went back, our case worker had T step into the meeting room and stopped us outside the door to discuss the situation. K explained that she had no idea that Sue was to be there. We also found out that S was told not to communicate with T.

    My concern here is that nothing was done to stop her from seeing and/or communicating with T. No precautions were taken. She is no longer T's parent and as such she is not to have contact with him. So why we were not alerted that she was there? Why were we not given the opportunity to take T through the other door before she came through? With the past dynamic why didn’t C walk her out to make sure there was no contact?

    This isn't the first time we've had such concerns. When T’s former step-sister was taken to the same campus () as him, we raised concerns. However, contact still continues to happen. Now contact was allowed between T's biological mother and him. This has already been detrimental to him. When he returned to his cottage at F he went into full meltdown. I am sure we are yet to see the end of the fallout from this recent event.

    My question to you is: What steps are you taking and will you be taking in the future to insure that this does not happen again? What steps are you taking and will you be taking to stop contact between T and his former step-sister?

    Answering these questions is crucial to T's treatment. I appreciate a response at your earliest possible convenience.

    Respectfully,

    Mr & Mrs Cat in the Hat
     
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    In any important correspondence, I always ask for a response. That way I make sure it doesn't just get shuffled and filed.

    I would cc the caseworker, her supervisor, head of DHS, and definitely make sure you cc your lawyer...make sure to use the title as in John Smith, Esquire. That tends to get attention.
     
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    Wow! That is an excellent letter. You have a true gift, WG.

    I'm really sorry your family had to go through that experience, Beth.
     
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Do make sure that the letter is sent or delivered with signed receipt required. It is extremely important to keep full records
    of all events (a journal is suggested) and certainly of all written correspondence. I am sorry it was such a rough time for
    you. on the other hand, you are now a Warrior Mom and you CAN and WILL advocate for your child every single time it is needed. Hugs.DDD
     
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You begin with one sentence outlining the problem and your concern.

    You then briefly give background - T's bio-mother gave up parental rights and this is a good thing because... also outline why it is important that contact be prevented and just how well this is known to DHS.

    You then describe the interaction. In here you emphasise the points of concern, which are - DHS allowed this to happen when they had the knowledge and frankly, the responsibility, to prevent. Try to not get distracted by irrelevancies.

    Next - the consequences. Also list here the possible longer-term consequences as well as any past issues which DHS would have known.

    Finally - finish with a "please respond" in some form, along with, "I need assurances that this will not happen again."

    It is possible that bio-mother was not lying. She would have her own case-worker whose job it is, to make problems smaller for her. Let's say you're a caseworker whose client has had a child removed, and the people who took that child have also handed him over to someone else (an indication that the child is a handful and an implication that said handful is not the bio-parents' fault) and you happen to have an opportunity to reassure the bio-mother that the child is doing OK and she can see him, even if those idiotic courts have ordered otherwise. So of course you arrange for her to happen to walk through the same room.

    It would be understandable for a caseworker of the mother's to feel this way, if all she's been exposed to is the bio-mother's point of view.

    I'm not in any way saying you are wrong - read my earlier post, if you are in doubt. Only that I suspect bio-mother could have been getting very mixed signals. There is no way she should have been in the same room, especially not with the knowledge of the staff there. And yet clearly they did know she would see him and seemed to be OK with this. THAT is what rally concerns me and I think is muddying the waters badly. No wonder difficult child got the wrong message - it was coming from not just his egg donor, it was also coming from the officials who are supposed to be keeping him safe.

    If bio-mother is not supposed to have contact with your son, then how did this happen? "It's Christmas." [*memories of chintzy Christmas movies*]

    So don't say that bio-mother was lying. It's a distraction from the real issue - bio-mother should not have been permitted in the same room, and that is not her fault. Someone was not doing their job. And I'm thinking it's even possible (but don't say this) that some starry-eyed romantic half-organised a reconciliation out of sheer idiocy.

    You need to make very clear that the courts have ordered no contact (and this should be respected) for very good reasons. Now as a result, he's back on the subject of "I want to see her" when past experience has shown this is a bad thing. Courts do not allow parental rights to be extinguished without darn good reasons. A lot of harm appears to have resulted (or could have resulted) as the result of what was either carelessness, or possibly worse, someone's romantic ideal of "let's get the child and mother together for a reunion so they can all play happy families."

    Bio-mother in the same room, especially at Christmas - of course she would want to give him a hug, to continue the self-image of herself as wronged and loving parent.
    But someone enabled this, either through carelessness or sabotage. it doesn't matter how - the result is the issue. And those charged with his welfare are the ones who should be asked to explain.

    Marg
     
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    If it were me, I'd stress a little more what negative repercussions this has on difficult child. Make it more than a little obvious that this isn't about you getting retaliation or being PO'd- but about how this is harmful to difficult child- and why or what signs you've seen in the past to prove it. These things might be obvious to those involved, but not so obvious to an outsider- (like me ) I do think you're on the right track! I also agree that you might not be to the bottom of this and can't be positive at this pojnt that someone didn't tell BIO that she couldn't see and hug here difficult child. I don't know the entire situation, obviously, but trust there is a reason that BIO shouldn't do these things.
     
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that you might want to make it an even more brief note, and ask for an appointment to discuss concerns. You're (rightfully) very angry about this situation, and unfortunately it's difficult to put these things into writing without that anger coming through.

    How would you feel about a note (cc'd and return receipt) along the lines of

    "husband and I were concerned regarding our recent meeting at the DHS office at which T's mother was present without forewarning to us. In order to avoid such an uncomfortable situation in the future, we would like to meet in order to discuss how such a situation might be handled with less upset in the future.

    While we are certain that this situation did not come about with an intention to cause anyone stress, it was very difficult for us in that we were not prepared to see T's mother in the room. Hopefully we can work together to avoid any such uncomfortable situation for T and us in the future. Please contact me at: to set an appointment to talk at your earliest convenience."
     
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