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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 609571"><p>MM-- I know this is a trite cliche...</p><p></p><p>but you have to put on your own oxygen mask first...</p><p></p><p>He is unbalanced and completely irrational. </p><p></p><p>You are allowed to have boundaries and I admire you for drawing some.</p><p></p><p>If you didn't care - you wouldn't have followed up with your ex and then called your son.</p><p></p><p>Proof of such?</p><p></p><p>Rational responses in his favor in my opinion:</p><p>OK for an adult child to be disappointed that they can't get in touch with a parent during a time of need. (So let's give him that)</p><p>OK to be peeved when someone is obviously avoiding calls. (let's give him that too, just to be fair)</p><p>OK to take a firm stance and tell them that and spell out one's needs to one's parent. (we can even give him 1/2 a credit on that)</p><p>OK to be slightly irrational when hurt over something really important to one's self (again, let's give him that too)</p><p></p><p>IRRATIONAL:</p><p>EVERYTHING HE SAID BEYOND OR OUTSIDE OF THE ABOVE: (see red)</p><p><em><span style="color: #000000">So you finally called. You didn't call Saturday and didn't pick up the phone the twenty times I called you yesterday.</span><span style="color: #ff0000"> You knew this was going to be terrible for me, but you just wanted to hear the outcome. You didn't want to go through it with me and give me support</span><span style="color: #000000">. I am an afterthought. You were not there for your son. I called you at least twenty times and you never answered the phone. Think about it. Your son needed you and you didn't care. </span><span style="color: #008000">Well, I'm not going to tell you what happened.</span><span style="color: #000000"> I don't need that kind of support. It's not support! </span><span style="color: #ff0000">You just wanted to avoid me all weekend then know the results! F**** you....you're a horrible parent.</span></em><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/help-please-i-need-ask-if-i-bad-mother-feel-like-one-55480/#ixzz2hl12dBtM" target="_blank"><span style="color: #000000">And the ott icing on the cake? The statement in green. He is "punishing" you by not telling you what happened? Utterly b</span></a><span style="color: #000000">eyond rational and completely childlike. You didn't wait weeks to call, you waited a day. And you called because you care. He is being punitive by withholding information? Really? Enough said.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Actions have consequences. He has been rude and uncaring and quite horrible to you and completely unapologetic about it. Are small instances of ill behavior excusable in light of the stress he is under? Sure. But these are not small instances and he has NEVER been apologetic or appreciative towards you. He has treated you like poop, hurt you and demeaned you and you have set boundaries <strong>in response to his behavior</strong>. You haven't stopped loving him, but you are no longer making yourself his doormat. That is perfectly OK and exactly what you should do.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">We had a mantra on the SA board - "don't dial pain" - I think it was advice given to a poster (not me) by her support group or therapist. It rang true to all of us, we repeated it often to each other. And now I write it to you. "Don't dial pain." You know who he is and where he is and how he speaks to you. Stay in touch - a birthday card and gift is fine. Send a "thinking of you" text once in a blue moon...but don't call him thinking you will get the closure or the response you need or deserve. He is not able or willing to be a son at this point. Maybe he will be someday - but in the meanwhile - don't set yourself up for pain.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Hope tomorrow is better. </span><span style="color: #000000"><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/help-please-i-need-ask-if-i-bad-mother-feel-like-one-55480/#ixzz2hl12dBtM" target="_blank"></a></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/help-please-i-need-ask-if-i-bad-mother-feel-like-one-55480/#ixzz2hl12dBtM" target="_blank"></a></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 609571"] MM-- I know this is a trite cliche... but you have to put on your own oxygen mask first... He is unbalanced and completely irrational. You are allowed to have boundaries and I admire you for drawing some. If you didn't care - you wouldn't have followed up with your ex and then called your son. Proof of such? Rational responses in his favor in my opinion: OK for an adult child to be disappointed that they can't get in touch with a parent during a time of need. (So let's give him that) OK to be peeved when someone is obviously avoiding calls. (let's give him that too, just to be fair) OK to take a firm stance and tell them that and spell out one's needs to one's parent. (we can even give him 1/2 a credit on that) OK to be slightly irrational when hurt over something really important to one's self (again, let's give him that too) IRRATIONAL: EVERYTHING HE SAID BEYOND OR OUTSIDE OF THE ABOVE: (see red) [I][COLOR=#000000]So you finally called. You didn't call Saturday and didn't pick up the phone the twenty times I called you yesterday.[/COLOR][COLOR=#ff0000] Y[COLOR=#000000][/COLOR]ou knew this was going to be terrible for me, but you just wanted to hear the outcome.[COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR]You didn't want to go through it with me and give me support[/COLOR][COLOR=#000000]. I am an afterthought. You were not there for your son. I called you at least twenty times and you never answered the phone. Think about it. Your son needed you and you didn't care. [/COLOR][COLOR=#008000]Well, I'm not going to tell you what happened.[/COLOR][COLOR=#000000] I don't need that kind of support. It's not support! [/COLOR][COLOR=#ff0000]Y[COLOR=#000000][/COLOR]ou just wanted to avoid me all weekend then know the results! F**** you....you're a horrible parent.[/COLOR][/I][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][URL="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/help-please-i-need-ask-if-i-bad-mother-feel-like-one-55480/#ixzz2hl12dBtM"][COLOR=#000000]And the ott icing on the cake? The statement in green. He is "punishing" you by not telling you what happened? Utterly b[/COLOR][/URL][COLOR=#000000]eyond rational and completely childlike. You didn't wait weeks to call, you waited a day. And you called because you care. He is being punitive by withholding information? Really? Enough said. Actions have consequences. He has been rude and uncaring and quite horrible to you and completely unapologetic about it. Are small instances of ill behavior excusable in light of the stress he is under? Sure. But these are not small instances and he has NEVER been apologetic or appreciative towards you. He has treated you like poop, hurt you and demeaned you and you have set boundaries [B]in response to his behavior[/B]. You haven't stopped loving him, but you are no longer making yourself his doormat. That is perfectly OK and exactly what you should do. We had a mantra on the SA board - "don't dial pain" - I think it was advice given to a poster (not me) by her support group or therapist. It rang true to all of us, we repeated it often to each other. And now I write it to you. "Don't dial pain." You know who he is and where he is and how he speaks to you. Stay in touch - a birthday card and gift is fine. Send a "thinking of you" text once in a blue moon...but don't call him thinking you will get the closure or the response you need or deserve. He is not able or willing to be a son at this point. Maybe he will be someday - but in the meanwhile - don't set yourself up for pain. Hope tomorrow is better. [/COLOR][COLOR=#000000][URL="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/help-please-i-need-ask-if-i-bad-mother-feel-like-one-55480/#ixzz2hl12dBtM"] [/URL][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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