Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 609607" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>MWM, have you read Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and the verbally abusive relationship? </p><p></p><p>If you haven't, the gist of the thing is that the abuser feels relief of his own pain BECAUSE he's hurt you. Somewhere in their psyches, those who verbally abuse displace negative imagery of themselves through destroying the partner's sense of worth. This gives the abusive partner a sense of power-over. At its heart, a verbally abusive relationship is about control. </p><p></p><p>Verbally abusive relationships are relationships in the fullest sense of the term. As surely as a physically abusive person is going to escalate his behavior when his victim moves to escape the relationship, your son has escalated his verbally abusive behavior toward you to retrap you into a relationship you are becoming healthy enough to want to place limits on. Hurting you, tearing you down into nothing, is how he does that.</p><p></p><p>He can only do it because you love him.</p><p></p><p>He knows that, but does it anyway.</p><p></p><p>Part of the reason the verbally abused partner stays in the relationship is to REPAIR THE DAMAGE THE ABUSER HAS CONVINCED HER IS HER FAULT. The verbally abused partner stays in the relationship too because, as the toxicity of the relationship deepens, she comes to question her interpretation of reality ~ because her abuser is so certain. Repeating the most horrible things he can think of so many times that it becomes the truth for both people in the verbally abusive relationship, the verbally abusive person gains control of his victim's psyche. </p><p></p><p>MWM, I've read enough of your clear, straightforward, honest, compassionate posts to feel that I know who you are in your heart. This son you love has problems. One of them is that, for reasons we will never know, he takes satisfaction in hurting you. You have wisely decided to stay away physically from this child. As you heal, as your own self-concept has become stronger, you have taken small, simple actions to stay balanced yourself while still being available as a strong, loving support for 35. But here is the key about verbally abusive relationships, MWM: 35 does not want you balanced. 35, because there is something not right with how he thinks, WANTS AND NEEDS YOU TO BEELIEVE THAT YOU ARE LESS THAN. He is enraged right now because you are thwarting him. For 35 to feel safe, MWM, you are not allowed to rebel in any way because, if you should ever realize the dynamic behind what 35 is doing, it will no longer work. </p><p></p><p>And 35 will do everything in his power to prevent that.</p><p></p><p>Verbally abusive relationship is a dangerous, twisted reflection of what love is, MWM. Once you understand how it works, you will see through 35. He will still be able to reach in and change your internal reality, but you will have the tools you need to understand that 35 is wrong. Right now, you cannot see that.</p><p></p><p>35 is wrong, MWM. </p><p></p><p>You are one of the most compassionate, responsible women on this Board. I have been grateful for, and enlightened by, your input, more times than I can tell you. </p><p></p><p>Loving a troubled child is dangerous. We are so vulnerable to them. We so desperately want them to be alright. We want to explain the pain away ~ but part of the illness our children are coping with is that need to hurt and destroy the things they love. </p><p></p><p>We need to acknowledge that.</p><p></p><p>And we need to practice excellent self-care, especially when our troubled kids have made us feel we don't deserve to cherish ourselves.</p><p></p><p>This is something Recovery posted to me once, MWM. I am still coming to understand the intricacies in what she said. I was posting away about how horrified I was at the details of what was happening to difficult child. Recovering posted something to the effect that difficult child should not be sharing these details KNOWING I LITERALLY COULD NOT MAINTAIN once I knew. </p><p></p><p>Recovering told me, in her kind way, that my daughter was doing that on purpose.</p><p></p><p>Over the months, I have concluded Recovering was right. It isn't that my difficult child hates me so much that she wants to hurt me by describing in minute detail every incidence of abuse.</p><p></p><p>And yet, it is.</p><p></p><p>She can't really help it any more than 35 can, MWM.</p><p></p><p>That's what I mean, about having to be very careful when interacting with our troubled kids. They are scary-bright; they are devious in ways we don't understand because their motivations and reward systems are alien to us. </p><p></p><p>But, because they are ill, there is something in them that feels validated when those who love them are hurt. I can never figure out whether difficult child is punishing me or herself. </p><p></p><p>But I think it might be both.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe, she feel safer somehow, knowing that I know.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry 35 hurt you this way. It is impossible to believe in ourselves while someone we love, someone we trust to love us back, is tearing us apart. If you haven't read them, please read those books, MWM. From the way you talk about your kids (35 included) I believe you were, and are, a wonderful, caring mom.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 609607, member: 1721"] MWM, have you read Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse and the verbally abusive relationship? If you haven't, the gist of the thing is that the abuser feels relief of his own pain BECAUSE he's hurt you. Somewhere in their psyches, those who verbally abuse displace negative imagery of themselves through destroying the partner's sense of worth. This gives the abusive partner a sense of power-over. At its heart, a verbally abusive relationship is about control. Verbally abusive relationships are relationships in the fullest sense of the term. As surely as a physically abusive person is going to escalate his behavior when his victim moves to escape the relationship, your son has escalated his verbally abusive behavior toward you to retrap you into a relationship you are becoming healthy enough to want to place limits on. Hurting you, tearing you down into nothing, is how he does that. He can only do it because you love him. He knows that, but does it anyway. Part of the reason the verbally abused partner stays in the relationship is to REPAIR THE DAMAGE THE ABUSER HAS CONVINCED HER IS HER FAULT. The verbally abused partner stays in the relationship too because, as the toxicity of the relationship deepens, she comes to question her interpretation of reality ~ because her abuser is so certain. Repeating the most horrible things he can think of so many times that it becomes the truth for both people in the verbally abusive relationship, the verbally abusive person gains control of his victim's psyche. MWM, I've read enough of your clear, straightforward, honest, compassionate posts to feel that I know who you are in your heart. This son you love has problems. One of them is that, for reasons we will never know, he takes satisfaction in hurting you. You have wisely decided to stay away physically from this child. As you heal, as your own self-concept has become stronger, you have taken small, simple actions to stay balanced yourself while still being available as a strong, loving support for 35. But here is the key about verbally abusive relationships, MWM: 35 does not want you balanced. 35, because there is something not right with how he thinks, WANTS AND NEEDS YOU TO BEELIEVE THAT YOU ARE LESS THAN. He is enraged right now because you are thwarting him. For 35 to feel safe, MWM, you are not allowed to rebel in any way because, if you should ever realize the dynamic behind what 35 is doing, it will no longer work. And 35 will do everything in his power to prevent that. Verbally abusive relationship is a dangerous, twisted reflection of what love is, MWM. Once you understand how it works, you will see through 35. He will still be able to reach in and change your internal reality, but you will have the tools you need to understand that 35 is wrong. Right now, you cannot see that. 35 is wrong, MWM. You are one of the most compassionate, responsible women on this Board. I have been grateful for, and enlightened by, your input, more times than I can tell you. Loving a troubled child is dangerous. We are so vulnerable to them. We so desperately want them to be alright. We want to explain the pain away ~ but part of the illness our children are coping with is that need to hurt and destroy the things they love. We need to acknowledge that. And we need to practice excellent self-care, especially when our troubled kids have made us feel we don't deserve to cherish ourselves. This is something Recovery posted to me once, MWM. I am still coming to understand the intricacies in what she said. I was posting away about how horrified I was at the details of what was happening to difficult child. Recovering posted something to the effect that difficult child should not be sharing these details KNOWING I LITERALLY COULD NOT MAINTAIN once I knew. Recovering told me, in her kind way, that my daughter was doing that on purpose. Over the months, I have concluded Recovering was right. It isn't that my difficult child hates me so much that she wants to hurt me by describing in minute detail every incidence of abuse. And yet, it is. She can't really help it any more than 35 can, MWM. That's what I mean, about having to be very careful when interacting with our troubled kids. They are scary-bright; they are devious in ways we don't understand because their motivations and reward systems are alien to us. But, because they are ill, there is something in them that feels validated when those who love them are hurt. I can never figure out whether difficult child is punishing me or herself. But I think it might be both. Or maybe, she feel safer somehow, knowing that I know. I am so sorry 35 hurt you this way. It is impossible to believe in ourselves while someone we love, someone we trust to love us back, is tearing us apart. If you haven't read them, please read those books, MWM. From the way you talk about your kids (35 included) I believe you were, and are, a wonderful, caring mom. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
Top