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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 609645" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I haven't been around for a few days. I am sorry I wasn't here to give support to you. I know, deep down in my bones, that you will NOT spew abuse at me for being gone while you went through this. You will be glad I came back and appreciative of the support that I give when I am available to be here. </p><p></p><p>in my opinion that is pretty darn similar to what your 35 could have done, and the fact that his response was to spew childish stupid toxic waste on you is simply not normal or acceptable. Your reaction to me is likely a touch of confusion that I might think you could react by spewing abuse on me, largely because that is far from normal or rational behavior. YOUR response to me is what your son should have given you. </p><p></p><p>Can you see how far from normal his responses and behaviors are? </p><p></p><p>You were NEVER a bad mother. We all have times we don't do our best at something, but that is a far cry from being a bad person or parent. 35 isn't just an awful son, he is a bad parent. I have wanted to say some things for a while, but didn't think you were ready or clear minded enough on the issue to hear them.</p><p></p><p>I know you didn't like daughter in law. I do wonder how much of what you know about her was filtered through the lens of 35. A very large part of me PRAYS the judge does NOT give 35 any sort of custody or unsupervised access to his son. That is right, I think his access should be SUPERVISED by a social worker. He is in zero shape to be a halfway decent parent. I am AFRAID for your grandson. I think 35 is the type who is very black and white in his thinking and he would do something to harm grandson if the court doesn't give him everything he wants. He clearly needs years of therapy and even that likely will not be enough to make him safe to be around kids. I am afraid that in a few years when grandson is more of his own person and wants w hat he wants rather than what daddy wants, that your son will be incredibly abusive to him. I have seen parents hwo act the way 35 acts and it is always abusive when the child becomes his or her own person rather than daddy/mommy's little lovebug who does what is desired only. </p><p></p><p>35 is NOT healthy, is NOT sane, and is NOT safe to be alone with any child. Esp not a child who has to gingerly step between the minefields placed by two people who want different things for and from their child. I don't know if daughter in law is any better, but I don't think you do either. I think that 35 was done with you because you made him leave and you didn't give him what he wanted. Now that what he wanted is not available, he wants a whipping boy and source of pity and sympathy and indulgence. When you won't do that, he gets scary. I don't think his word on what daughter in law is like is trustworthy. You know 35 is not rational, so nothing that he says is reliable, esp when talking about the woman who chose not to put up with his abuse anymore. Imagine what he told daughter in law about you. Do you think that it resembled reality? Do you honestly think that daughter in law has ANY clue what you are truly like? She likely spent years hearing about how mean and abusive you were to him, and thinking that her child would not be safe or loved if you were to spend time with him. We know that is not true, but she doesn't because she only knows what she was told about you. and you only know what you were told about him.</p><p></p><p>Your son is sick, unbalanced and likely will never agree to get help because in his head he is not a problem. Everyone else is, and soon your grandson will also be hte problem because grandson didn't say/do what was needed for the courts to say grandson could live only with 35.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion you need to sever this contact iwth 35. I know it will be hard, but it is NOT safe. Do not go visit him. It is far from safe. If you get anxiety attacks around his calls, being subjected to him in person will be far worse. That anxiety is there for a reason. It tells you that it is not safe to be around him. It is right.</p><p></p><p>You are an amazing mother, wife and person. You love completely and do all you can to help those you care about. None of those things makes you responsible for how 35 is. HE is responsible, and HE is sick. You have 3 kids who are incredible and wonderful. That is largely because of YOU. You were a great mom to 35, but he is what he has CHOSEN to be. ANd that is NOT your fault. </p><p></p><p>Please let him go. You were out of touch for a couple of days, not months. He should have been able to cope by relying on his entire support system, but he has chosen to drive anyone who would support him away. he is not the center of anyone's universe because none of us are, and he needs to grow up and stop blaming everyone else.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 609645, member: 1233"] I haven't been around for a few days. I am sorry I wasn't here to give support to you. I know, deep down in my bones, that you will NOT spew abuse at me for being gone while you went through this. You will be glad I came back and appreciative of the support that I give when I am available to be here. in my opinion that is pretty darn similar to what your 35 could have done, and the fact that his response was to spew childish stupid toxic waste on you is simply not normal or acceptable. Your reaction to me is likely a touch of confusion that I might think you could react by spewing abuse on me, largely because that is far from normal or rational behavior. YOUR response to me is what your son should have given you. Can you see how far from normal his responses and behaviors are? You were NEVER a bad mother. We all have times we don't do our best at something, but that is a far cry from being a bad person or parent. 35 isn't just an awful son, he is a bad parent. I have wanted to say some things for a while, but didn't think you were ready or clear minded enough on the issue to hear them. I know you didn't like daughter in law. I do wonder how much of what you know about her was filtered through the lens of 35. A very large part of me PRAYS the judge does NOT give 35 any sort of custody or unsupervised access to his son. That is right, I think his access should be SUPERVISED by a social worker. He is in zero shape to be a halfway decent parent. I am AFRAID for your grandson. I think 35 is the type who is very black and white in his thinking and he would do something to harm grandson if the court doesn't give him everything he wants. He clearly needs years of therapy and even that likely will not be enough to make him safe to be around kids. I am afraid that in a few years when grandson is more of his own person and wants w hat he wants rather than what daddy wants, that your son will be incredibly abusive to him. I have seen parents hwo act the way 35 acts and it is always abusive when the child becomes his or her own person rather than daddy/mommy's little lovebug who does what is desired only. 35 is NOT healthy, is NOT sane, and is NOT safe to be alone with any child. Esp not a child who has to gingerly step between the minefields placed by two people who want different things for and from their child. I don't know if daughter in law is any better, but I don't think you do either. I think that 35 was done with you because you made him leave and you didn't give him what he wanted. Now that what he wanted is not available, he wants a whipping boy and source of pity and sympathy and indulgence. When you won't do that, he gets scary. I don't think his word on what daughter in law is like is trustworthy. You know 35 is not rational, so nothing that he says is reliable, esp when talking about the woman who chose not to put up with his abuse anymore. Imagine what he told daughter in law about you. Do you think that it resembled reality? Do you honestly think that daughter in law has ANY clue what you are truly like? She likely spent years hearing about how mean and abusive you were to him, and thinking that her child would not be safe or loved if you were to spend time with him. We know that is not true, but she doesn't because she only knows what she was told about you. and you only know what you were told about him. Your son is sick, unbalanced and likely will never agree to get help because in his head he is not a problem. Everyone else is, and soon your grandson will also be hte problem because grandson didn't say/do what was needed for the courts to say grandson could live only with 35. in my opinion you need to sever this contact iwth 35. I know it will be hard, but it is NOT safe. Do not go visit him. It is far from safe. If you get anxiety attacks around his calls, being subjected to him in person will be far worse. That anxiety is there for a reason. It tells you that it is not safe to be around him. It is right. You are an amazing mother, wife and person. You love completely and do all you can to help those you care about. None of those things makes you responsible for how 35 is. HE is responsible, and HE is sick. You have 3 kids who are incredible and wonderful. That is largely because of YOU. You were a great mom to 35, but he is what he has CHOSEN to be. ANd that is NOT your fault. Please let him go. You were out of touch for a couple of days, not months. He should have been able to cope by relying on his entire support system, but he has chosen to drive anyone who would support him away. he is not the center of anyone's universe because none of us are, and he needs to grow up and stop blaming everyone else. [/QUOTE]
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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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