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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 609648" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Susie, it is always so welcoming to "see" you. A few people make me feel warm and fuzzy although I never met any of you...lol...and you, RE, Cedar and a few others always make me feel comforted. I need to thank you first about an unrelated topic. YOUR COMMENTS ALONE made me get over quickly the mess at the volunteer's place. I told my therapist t hat somebody I know on a message forum set me straight by pointing out that if I hang around with dysfunctional, issued people, I am likely to have a bad experience. Your post affected me in such a positive way that I not only instantly felt better, but I am looking out for a crew of dysfunctional people every time I try a new activity now...lol. All my life I've sought after these dysfunctional people and I wonder why I have social problems...hmmmmph! It is partly me and my social guffaws, but you know what? They are not so terrible (the guffaws) that well balanced people would hold them against me or, worse, yell at me for them. Most likely a balanced person would smile and move on with life. And now I make absolutely sure that when I decide to take a chance on an activity, no matter what it is, nobody tells me about their jail time, their drug abuse, their drinking habits, etc. or I will find a better place to work, volunteer, or whatever I'm doing. I just want "normal" people around me. It has worked out beautifully so far. And I owe this insight, that I should have had but did not, to you. So thank you sooooooooo much for that. I value your judgment very much.</p><p></p><p>Susie, I have to agree with you about 35. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, his ex probably had ample reason to leave him and there is likely a lot of stuff I don't know. Yes, she is not that stable, but I don't believe she has ever threatened to assassinate anybody and she is probably the better choice in the long run. There! I said it! I, too, am afraid of how 35 will react to his son once he is not so young and cute and when he becomes his own person and defies him. You spoke my deepest fear and it's ok for you to bring that out in the open. I believe he has molested my precious pastrychef daughter and that gives me the chills, but she won't go into detail or press charges and just never wants to see him again!!! So supervised visits sounds the safest to me too. Sadly. And with a mother's heavy heart, I agree. Of course he denies ever forcing his sister to watch pornography and anything else he may have done, but, in my heart, I know he did do it and have sided with my daughter since she told me all she was willing to tell. Every time I speak to him, in the back of my mind, THAT issue is always there. I believe my daughter. She knows I believe her. If I had to choose, I'd choose her. Ok, new topic since that one is very painful for me.</p><p></p><p>My angst over 35 is NOT because I think he's fit, but because he is my son and I hate to feel his pain, even though he has no problem seeing mine. Or anyone's but his and, so far, his son's. I am slowly, with much help from Al-Anon, my self-help books on mindfulness, AND THIS BOARD (hoooooraaaaaaaaaaaaay) starting to get past that. I can not stop his pain. If he changed his behavior by working as hard as I did on his issues he would be a nicer person and would be able to perhaps control himself and thus have a better outcome in stuff like this custody battle. In no way am I grieving over my grandson. I don't know my grandson. My son went along with his ex and decided that grandson would spend very little time with us and instead only see ex's side of the family when we came in for holidays. So I don't really know my grandson and he doesn't know me. I'm not a big fan of DNA anyway. I hope my daughter, who lives in Chicago, has a chld soon. She is trying. Now THAT will be a grandchild I can get my hands on <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. Husband and I also want to do foster care of a young 'un next year and will likely get very attached, even though the child will move on eventually. I'm going to have my foster kids call me Grandma. So there!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>It seems I won't have much to do even phonewise with 35 for now as he thinks I don't help him and "make things worse by being pessimistic." I have already cut our serious ties. I am not going to Missouri and he will never drive up to Wisconsin as he is totally phobic about driving out of his immediate area. Example: He loves and misses Chicago, where he came from, but is afraid to drive up there. His ex used to do the driving when they went to Chicago. Well, he has NOBODY to drive him now. He's already told me that my part of Wisconsin depresses him and looks shabby to him. Whatever. I'm glad, although it isn't shabby here. Just some of the houses are older, but well kept up (shrug).</p><p></p><p>Susie, I take anything you say to heart. It is great to be on a forum where I actually get good help from the posters. I so appreciate the time you took to write to me and I hear every word of your post. Certainly 35 will either grow up or go down to a very bad place, if he isn't there already. But I can't make him grow up and I refuse to take the blame for that. Honestly, it's sad when a 35 year old man needs a non-stop mommy. I mean, we ALL like to have our moms around, if they were good to us, when times are hard. But we are nice to them when we see them and it passes and we long to be adults again. Not 35. </p><p></p><p>So be it!! I have a very important date tonight with a volleyball game <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Jumper is playing the finals for her team in her senior year and husband and I will be cheering loudly in the stands and I won't even have my phone with me. I plan on having a fabulous time cheering on one of my functional, loving children. </p><p></p><p>You have a great night too, Susie <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> You are truly a star! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 609648, member: 1550"] Susie, it is always so welcoming to "see" you. A few people make me feel warm and fuzzy although I never met any of you...lol...and you, RE, Cedar and a few others always make me feel comforted. I need to thank you first about an unrelated topic. YOUR COMMENTS ALONE made me get over quickly the mess at the volunteer's place. I told my therapist t hat somebody I know on a message forum set me straight by pointing out that if I hang around with dysfunctional, issued people, I am likely to have a bad experience. Your post affected me in such a positive way that I not only instantly felt better, but I am looking out for a crew of dysfunctional people every time I try a new activity now...lol. All my life I've sought after these dysfunctional people and I wonder why I have social problems...hmmmmph! It is partly me and my social guffaws, but you know what? They are not so terrible (the guffaws) that well balanced people would hold them against me or, worse, yell at me for them. Most likely a balanced person would smile and move on with life. And now I make absolutely sure that when I decide to take a chance on an activity, no matter what it is, nobody tells me about their jail time, their drug abuse, their drinking habits, etc. or I will find a better place to work, volunteer, or whatever I'm doing. I just want "normal" people around me. It has worked out beautifully so far. And I owe this insight, that I should have had but did not, to you. So thank you sooooooooo much for that. I value your judgment very much. Susie, I have to agree with you about 35. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, his ex probably had ample reason to leave him and there is likely a lot of stuff I don't know. Yes, she is not that stable, but I don't believe she has ever threatened to assassinate anybody and she is probably the better choice in the long run. There! I said it! I, too, am afraid of how 35 will react to his son once he is not so young and cute and when he becomes his own person and defies him. You spoke my deepest fear and it's ok for you to bring that out in the open. I believe he has molested my precious pastrychef daughter and that gives me the chills, but she won't go into detail or press charges and just never wants to see him again!!! So supervised visits sounds the safest to me too. Sadly. And with a mother's heavy heart, I agree. Of course he denies ever forcing his sister to watch pornography and anything else he may have done, but, in my heart, I know he did do it and have sided with my daughter since she told me all she was willing to tell. Every time I speak to him, in the back of my mind, THAT issue is always there. I believe my daughter. She knows I believe her. If I had to choose, I'd choose her. Ok, new topic since that one is very painful for me. My angst over 35 is NOT because I think he's fit, but because he is my son and I hate to feel his pain, even though he has no problem seeing mine. Or anyone's but his and, so far, his son's. I am slowly, with much help from Al-Anon, my self-help books on mindfulness, AND THIS BOARD (hoooooraaaaaaaaaaaaay) starting to get past that. I can not stop his pain. If he changed his behavior by working as hard as I did on his issues he would be a nicer person and would be able to perhaps control himself and thus have a better outcome in stuff like this custody battle. In no way am I grieving over my grandson. I don't know my grandson. My son went along with his ex and decided that grandson would spend very little time with us and instead only see ex's side of the family when we came in for holidays. So I don't really know my grandson and he doesn't know me. I'm not a big fan of DNA anyway. I hope my daughter, who lives in Chicago, has a chld soon. She is trying. Now THAT will be a grandchild I can get my hands on :). Husband and I also want to do foster care of a young 'un next year and will likely get very attached, even though the child will move on eventually. I'm going to have my foster kids call me Grandma. So there!!! :) It seems I won't have much to do even phonewise with 35 for now as he thinks I don't help him and "make things worse by being pessimistic." I have already cut our serious ties. I am not going to Missouri and he will never drive up to Wisconsin as he is totally phobic about driving out of his immediate area. Example: He loves and misses Chicago, where he came from, but is afraid to drive up there. His ex used to do the driving when they went to Chicago. Well, he has NOBODY to drive him now. He's already told me that my part of Wisconsin depresses him and looks shabby to him. Whatever. I'm glad, although it isn't shabby here. Just some of the houses are older, but well kept up (shrug). Susie, I take anything you say to heart. It is great to be on a forum where I actually get good help from the posters. I so appreciate the time you took to write to me and I hear every word of your post. Certainly 35 will either grow up or go down to a very bad place, if he isn't there already. But I can't make him grow up and I refuse to take the blame for that. Honestly, it's sad when a 35 year old man needs a non-stop mommy. I mean, we ALL like to have our moms around, if they were good to us, when times are hard. But we are nice to them when we see them and it passes and we long to be adults again. Not 35. So be it!! I have a very important date tonight with a volleyball game :) Jumper is playing the finals for her team in her senior year and husband and I will be cheering loudly in the stands and I won't even have my phone with me. I plan on having a fabulous time cheering on one of my functional, loving children. You have a great night too, Susie :) You are truly a star! :) [/QUOTE]
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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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