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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 609716" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>You know what I was wondering this morning? </p><p></p><p>I wonder whether incidents like these happen when we are healthy enough ourselves to see what has been going on all along. I mean, as WE become healthier, is there a point at which we recognize how toxic our relationships to our troubled children are to us? Just think if MWM had not had access to something like this Board. There would have been no alternative to believing what 35 had to say. Hearing that unfiltered toxicity would have spiraled into all the other toxic or traumatic things that have happened with 35 over the years. There would have been no immediate positive feedback to stop the toxic feelings MWM's conversation with 35 engendered. There would have been nowhere for MWM to ask the question that truly haunted her ~ was she the bad, condemning mother 35 claimed she was? That MWM was able to question 35's toxicity, rather than letting it sink in, is an indication of health, when you think about it. Without everyone here to help MWM remember who she really is, she would be struggling now with her own self image because of 35's toxicity dump.</p><p></p><p>How awful, to realize this is what happens to us as we try to listen to and support our troubled adult children.</p><p></p><p>MWM, your post about 35's toxicity has helped me understand the dynamic behind what happens to me. I am so sorry this happened to you again, but so glad you posted about it. When things have been so tough with difficult child, I spiral into a place like that, too. A kind of accusatory, trapped place, a place where I feel shocked, where I feel useless, and angry and guilty and ashamed, because whatever I've done, nothing changes for difficult child. But you know, I think what happens to us is a convoluted version of normal. As Scott posted, a man does not do what MWM's troubled 35 does. It never even happens. In a normal world, none of us would be dealing with these feelings...and they would not leak over into our social interactions, our jobs, our belief in ourselves as clean, bright people who have something of value to offer the world. Instead, we would be celebrating whatever success our children had ~ but our main focus would be on our own lives. For us though, the normal, happy thoughts associated with grown kids have turned desperate. We live and love our kids in the mirror image of normal. How extraordinary, that we still love them as we do, still so desperately hope for their happiness, even at the sacrifice of our own. </p><p></p><p>Adult children should be sort of extracurricular sources of pleasure. You know, bright, happy people we love, but extraneous to our real lives. </p><p></p><p>MWM, I hope you are coming back into balance, this morning. You are a wonderful mom, and you are so funny and sweet and honest about your social "gaffes" that I have to laugh out loud. You are beautiful, MWM. To see you wounded like this is hurtful ~ but as I said earlier, it was so helpful to me to recognize an echo of my own pain in your pain. 35's last toxicity attack was timed to perfection, when you think about it. He knew you would be thinking about him, wishing the best for him, feeling a little guilty that you hadn't sacrificed your serenity to listen to him rave on and on. It would be interesting to learn how intensely he rehearsed everything he was going to say to you, and to learn too, how much pleasure he took in anticipating how what he was going to do would hurt you.</p><p></p><p>Well, 35 may just have enjoyed his last toxicity tantrum, because I think you are (and I am, too) seeing things a little more clearly these days.</p><p></p><p>Thank heaven for this Board.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 609716, member: 1721"] You know what I was wondering this morning? I wonder whether incidents like these happen when we are healthy enough ourselves to see what has been going on all along. I mean, as WE become healthier, is there a point at which we recognize how toxic our relationships to our troubled children are to us? Just think if MWM had not had access to something like this Board. There would have been no alternative to believing what 35 had to say. Hearing that unfiltered toxicity would have spiraled into all the other toxic or traumatic things that have happened with 35 over the years. There would have been no immediate positive feedback to stop the toxic feelings MWM's conversation with 35 engendered. There would have been nowhere for MWM to ask the question that truly haunted her ~ was she the bad, condemning mother 35 claimed she was? That MWM was able to question 35's toxicity, rather than letting it sink in, is an indication of health, when you think about it. Without everyone here to help MWM remember who she really is, she would be struggling now with her own self image because of 35's toxicity dump. How awful, to realize this is what happens to us as we try to listen to and support our troubled adult children. MWM, your post about 35's toxicity has helped me understand the dynamic behind what happens to me. I am so sorry this happened to you again, but so glad you posted about it. When things have been so tough with difficult child, I spiral into a place like that, too. A kind of accusatory, trapped place, a place where I feel shocked, where I feel useless, and angry and guilty and ashamed, because whatever I've done, nothing changes for difficult child. But you know, I think what happens to us is a convoluted version of normal. As Scott posted, a man does not do what MWM's troubled 35 does. It never even happens. In a normal world, none of us would be dealing with these feelings...and they would not leak over into our social interactions, our jobs, our belief in ourselves as clean, bright people who have something of value to offer the world. Instead, we would be celebrating whatever success our children had ~ but our main focus would be on our own lives. For us though, the normal, happy thoughts associated with grown kids have turned desperate. We live and love our kids in the mirror image of normal. How extraordinary, that we still love them as we do, still so desperately hope for their happiness, even at the sacrifice of our own. Adult children should be sort of extracurricular sources of pleasure. You know, bright, happy people we love, but extraneous to our real lives. MWM, I hope you are coming back into balance, this morning. You are a wonderful mom, and you are so funny and sweet and honest about your social "gaffes" that I have to laugh out loud. You are beautiful, MWM. To see you wounded like this is hurtful ~ but as I said earlier, it was so helpful to me to recognize an echo of my own pain in your pain. 35's last toxicity attack was timed to perfection, when you think about it. He knew you would be thinking about him, wishing the best for him, feeling a little guilty that you hadn't sacrificed your serenity to listen to him rave on and on. It would be interesting to learn how intensely he rehearsed everything he was going to say to you, and to learn too, how much pleasure he took in anticipating how what he was going to do would hurt you. Well, 35 may just have enjoyed his last toxicity tantrum, because I think you are (and I am, too) seeing things a little more clearly these days. Thank heaven for this Board. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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