Help! Possible rape or sexual abuse...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Jun 12, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My daughter turned 16 yesterday. Last night, she tried to pull the "I want to spend the night with a friend" card. Well, she didn't spend the night with her, and by 10pm I knew she wasn't there at all. She did start responding to texts about 11 but wouldn't tell me where she was. Finally she agreed to be home at midnight. But in her last text, she said she had been raped earlier this week. She won't text about it.

    Midnight came and went, and now she is not answering texts. About 1:30am, I start driving around town. I park in front of the house she has been spending the most time at. One of her friends came out and said she had been there, but she got upset and walked out of the house about 1:15 and left her phone and purse there, but she would send me a FB message if she returned.

    husband and I waited up til 3:30am and then called the police. They went back to the house I had been at and she was there. He brought her home and talked to us. He confirmed underage drinking had been going on there, but he left it up to us to handle it. He suggested we let her sleep it off and talk to her today. Well today isn't any better.

    She won't talk to us about the rape. Not who, where, anything. I asked if it started out as consensual and then changed... She won't talk, and won't go to the ER. As far as I can tell, it might have been 3 to 5 days ago. IF it happened. I don't know if this is one of the many lies she tells, like a distraction from all the other drama going on.

    She admits that last night she used some of her birthday money to get someone over 21 to buy alcohol for her and her friends. She seems more upset about her 'friends" being mad at her than anything else.

    Help!! KSM
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Oh Dear.

    I think what I would do is start with what you know is going on, factually, by your own eyes or the police.

    Known:

    Illegal drinking.
    Lying.
    Deception by her, and deception by her friends.

    Likely:

    It is likely that some sexual behavior or intercourse did.
    If it did, that could be a reason she is claiming rape. Or not.

    Possible:

    If she does not come clean about what happened, I do not see how you can proceed based on rape. Or perhaps you can talk to the police and get advice.

    I think you have to address the stuff you know is happening, the known, by greatly limiting her freedom. If it was me, I would not allow her out at all at night. I would not believe one thing she says. I would lock up any alcohol in the house. And that is a start.

    I would think about restricting privileges, like phone, etc.

    I would find out the name of the parents who hosted the party at which alcohol was made available to underage kids. I would think about what to do. Maybe google to find out what other parents do. Or do a search here.

    I can think of several possible courses of action:

    Call the parents whose house it was.
    Call the other parents (pressure daughter for names.)
    Ask at school what to do. (the dean)

    I would make it extremely unpleasant for daughter and I would very forcefully limit her options to do this again, until you get her attention.

    I would also google (look here on CD) about possible rape, by doing a search.

    I am sorry this has happened. How is her intelligence, social intelligence? Is she somebody who could be easily taken advantage of? If this is so, I might get the school involved. Does she have an IEP? I see your older granddaughter on your signature is described with issues. What about this one?

    I would worry about the kids she is with. My niece at not much more than this age became a binge alcoholic. Her mother, my sister, did not know until her daughter was in her first year of college. Her twin (more sophisticated and capable) helped conceal it from my sister because she said she thought it "was no big deal." This was in one of the country's most affluent areas.

    Something is greatly wrong with this picture. Too many people are overlooking too many things.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Let me explain my stance here, because it sounds like when I re-read my post that I am throwing the book at her.

    That is because one, she is not cooperating; two, she has a pattern of lying and deceiving; three, she is for sure doing stuff she should not be doing. And finally, she will not talk. If she were to open up and talk, that would be one thing.

    Your only shot of having any influence is now, while you have legal control and responsibility. If you do not come down hard, you give the impression of condoning that which you do not.
     
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Whether or not this is true or a way to garner your sympathy so that she can deflect from the drinking, this young lady needs help right now. She made the statement that she was raped. You must take it seriously. I think that you will need to report it to the authorities. If it is true and you do nothing, you could be looking at legal problems for yourself and your husband. the authorities will sort it out and you would have done the responsible ( but very difficult) thing.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Short update. I deduced that it happened Thursday afternoon or evening... Probably evening. Because I remembered I got on her case that night for some of her behaviors...and she cried off and on that evening, after checking on her several times. She doesn't usually cry, just clams up.

    Plus, in one of her texts last night, she mentioned that she was upset and I didn't notice. I did... But it is hard to do much when they keep saying to get out of their room and close the door...

    I asked her about the time frame, and she verified it was on Thursday. It falls within the 72 hours for still risking the morning after pill. Rushed to the store and bought it and she took it.

    We have always had the discussion about if they had sex (consensual or not) I would help them get the morning after pill. She has been on BC pills but stopped them on her own. Refuses to take, because "I am not having sex!"

    I feel like things are spinning out of control. This was my NT child...now my major Difficult Child. It is worse than the Difficult Child status of older sister... Who is a Difficult Child based more on her impulsiveness. Younger sis is Difficult Child because she will do things with great advance preparation and thought. She is good at being the sweet innocent thing she looks like.

    Case in point. Last night, she sent me a photo of her at her friends house. But, it wasn't Sophia's house, it was Aleyna's. The photo wasn't taken yesterday, but a day earlier, because I remembered the outfit, then I went upstairs and double checked...it was in the dirty clothes!

    In 8th grade, she tried to spend the night at a boys house, when she was suppose to go to a girls sleepover. I wouldn't drop her off at the address she told me, because I knew the girl didn't live there. We drove back home, and she "let me talk to the girls dad" who explained that he and his wife separated, and the party was at his house.

    I still didn't buy it. daughter was confused...I had talked to a parent, do why couldn't she spend the night there? I told her I had talked to someone, yes, a parent, no. I told her male voices were much lower than a 13yo!

    Just do many lies, for so long. I catch a lot of them, but I know she has gotten by with some. KSM
     
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    last night, when we called the police, I did tell him that she had just told me that night, in a text, that she had been raped earlier in the week. That fact, and with her friend telling me she had left the house and walked away without her phone and purse, had me very worried about her well being.

    So I have reported it. But I think they aren't going to follow up on it.

    KSM
     
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You've had such a terrible night, you and D H.

    Cedar
     
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    yyou are going to have to pursue it. it may involve going to the police station with your daughter and making a statement.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did she go to the hospital so there is evidence? Maybe that's where she went when she walked out. Did she tell you who did it?
     
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    the rape happened Thursday. Difficult Child says she doesn't remember leaving the friends house last night. So now I wonder if the friend just said that to get rid of me... Because maybe Difficult Child had passed out or fallen asleep. Difficult Child said the reason she didn't come home as planned was that she had fallen asleep. And woke up when the police went to the house.

    She says she is the one who found someone to buy the alcohol and gave money to for them to purchase it for her and the friends. I am not sure a parent was even at the house...

    She isn't giving up any info about the rape (says she doesn't hang out with the that person) or the person who bought the alcohol. She will not talk to police or go to the emergency room to be checked.

    I have noticed small abrasions on her knee, and several bruises on legs and arms. She even had a small burn with blisters on her forearm...that she doesn't know how she got it.

    We have taken away her phone.

    KSM
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2016
  12. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    I am so sorry you are going though this- have you gone through her phone at all? Texts messages? Phone calls? How about computer, face-book?

    I would seek counseling for her and you as soon as you can. If she did in fact get raped, she needs help. If she didn't, you need to find out what is going on that she is lying.

    If it were me, next time she goes to someones house, I would be making unannounced visits to verify she is there.
     
  13. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    So where were the parents of this girl of the house where your daughter was? I would be getting names of everyone who was there. I would be talking to this girls parents. Take pictures.
     
  14. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Their were no parents at the house. I think it is a single dad with a teenage son. I believe he works nights. The girl who came out to talk to me is 18 and is couch surfing... Difficult Child has only been seeing these friends for about a week. There are two girls her age, but they either weren't there, or went home by 10pm. One was the girl who she was suppose to spend the night with...

    I can't believe the police just removed her, and left the other kids in the house with no parent there. Ksm
     
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The rape did not happen at this house or involved these people, as far as I can tell. Ksm
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Was she intoxicated when the rape occurred? Is she aware of who it was? Could it have been an adult? How do we not know it was the father of the boy or some other adult?

    I agree with PASA. From what you are writing you seem to feel it is is getting more and more likely that something happened. I agree with PASA that you need to take action, and not just with respect to pregnancy. There may well have been, (perhaps the likelihood) of a crime committed on your granddaughter. If she was drunk and could not consent, it was a crime. If there is the possibility that it was an adult it is for sure a crime. And I agree with PASA's logic. You could be vulnerable, if you do not report it.

    And I agree with IB. That parent is majorly responsible for what was going on in his house. To the point of criminal responsibility, I would think if something did happen. By making a formal complaint you remove any suspicion from yourself.

    The police in my area are very, very lax on crime because there are not the resources to arrest and jail people. Even breaking and entering and assault are looked at with a blind eye. That the police officer did not take it seriously, does not say much.
     
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    How do you know? Could your granddaughter be covering for them?

    What a terrible thing to have happen.
     
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Could you not take her in for a rape kit/exam? If she has bruising that you can see may there not be more?
     
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She won't tell me...she won't tell authorities. We went thru something similar a year ago when I found out she had sex with her boyfriend. She was 14. Legal age is 16 where we live. The police sent me to the a sexual abuse department. They said, even though she was under age, I could not get a restraining order on her behalf. She would have to request and sign the restraining order, and she refused. The police refused to do any thing with out her signing the request. It is a catch-22.

    She does not have an IEP. Her main issues have been depression and anxiety. She refuses to rake medications for it. She just shuts down the more I push.

    I think she is easily manipulated by friends/boyfriends as she lacks self esteem. She has told me how difficult it is to say no. She wants to please everyone else, even if she isn't happy about it. I think being removed from her parents and a year of foster care, and adoption by us, her grandparents, has left her with issues... Plus her biomom has set her up for disappointments by always promising to move back to our state, but has been gone for 6 years.

    Hope this explains some back story.
     
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    KSM, how worried are you about the kids she is hanging out with?

    Do you think she needs more help/intervention in school?

    Are there any activities that she may be interested in that could get her involved in some constructive activity, or with other kids who are better supervised?

    There is therapy horseback riding for example all over the USA for kids with issues of one sort or another. I believe it can be free. There are so many activities that could be so good for her. What might she be interested in?

    Many young people lack self-esteem. Anxiety and depression are rife. What do you think about trying to get her on a shorter leash, so to speak--minimizing her freedoms?
     
Loading...