Help...SO frustrated and new to forum

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rdugirl, Feb 12, 2009.

  1. rdugirl

    rdugirl New Member

    Last edited: Apr 7, 2009
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Who has diagnosed him? Has he ever been on medications? Have you considered that he may be using illegal drugs? My daughter started when she was 12 and I had no clue kids even DID drugs that young.
  3. rdugirl

    rdugirl New Member

    Oh yes, I have considered ALL possibilties..I have tested him several times with at home kit for marijuana and it was always negative, but I know there are other drugs out there. As an RN, I am thinking he fits the ODD profile but it has been a battle to get him to see a couselor. He is still a runaway, I am frantic and the petition for comittment is in place so when the police find him they will take him to crisis for assessment and diagnosis. It is heartbreaking to have to press charges for assault against your own child and have him taken in by police for committment evaluation, but I know that I am doing what is best for him..doesn't make it any easier. It's nice to have this outlet. Any and all suggestions and words of support welcomed!
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board. :) You've landed in a wonderful place.

    There are many parents here in similar situation, and many more with ODD kids. I'm sorry that you needed to find us, but glad you did.

  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    Welcome RDUGIRL, I have been there am still there with my difficult child daughter, age 15. She went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (residential treatment center) this Mondy, Feb. 9, phospital actue Feb.3. It is adolsnet dual diagnois faciltiy for mental illness (mostly mood disordrs and subatane abuse)
    Last summer when my daughter started straling our cars, credit caatrds, using drugs (also got some negative drug tests) but they use alchol, cigarettes, etc. run away so many tilmes. I know the terror of this. I had her go into a psychiatric unit and she was diagnosed bipolar with subatance abuse and conduct disorder.
    My experince would say to get him mental health help and diagnois as soon as possible befoe it escalates to conduct disoder (often does).
    I did report her missing to cover myself .
    My experince: very ill, seek help. It is illness, not badness. Find an adolsent psychiatrist tht has experincwe in mood disoders. I would have him go to a pyschiatric hoepital when you find him. That way he has a daignois and it can help in dealings with crimnal justice system. I reccomned Al-anon and Nami for you. Compassion
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm glad you found your way here. As you can see, you will find those who have similiar stories to yours that can support you and offer you suggestions.

    How long has your son been gone? I certainly hope you hear some positive news soon. We understand your adamecy in not wanting to give up on him. Turn over every stone.

  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Prayers being said. I know this is hard. been there done that and bear the scars. Here's hoping that someone can help you get a handle on this.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome! I really think it sounds like more going on than just ODD. A test that is just for marijuana is not very complete. You may need to have the court order a complete drug test or take him in to his doctor for a physical and a complete checkup (have them include the drug test with-o telling him if possible - call ahead.

    If he is in a gang even "a little bit" it is SERIOUS and possibly life threatening. Sadly, unless he wants to change you have little recourse but to keep working with the cops.

    Keep reporting him. Refuse to take him home when the police call you after he runs away (may need to consult an attorney about this - see if your benefits from work include a prepaid legal package and try that).

    He also needs a complete workup by a neuropsychologist. The diagnosis ODD is pretty useless. It describes behaviors but doesn't tell you WHY they are happening. Whereas a bipolar or mood disorder or even drug addiction diagnosis tells you more of what is going on and what to do to help. ODD diagnosis's come with most other psychiatric problems our kids have, so they are not as useful.

    As for wilderness camps, I don't have much faith in them. They may turn your son around for a little while (IF he wants to change or it is hard enough on him) but when he comes home there will be little support to encourage the changes.

    I would call the cops ON the girlfriend's family as harboring a runaway/fugitive minor/whatever EACH time you know he is there. See if you can press charges against the adults in that house so you cut off his "escape route" a little bit. Each time he finds someone to take him in, you may need to do this.

    But be CAREFUL because the gang involvement. Not sure what they would do to YOU. And if he is involved with a gang, and if there is any drug involvement, then there is probably some involvement with dealing or being a "mule" for the gang. That is bad news.

    When he isn't home go through his room. Remove EVERYTHING but his mattress, some clothing (does NOT have to be what he LIKES to wear, just stuff to cover his body). Provide food that is basic and nourishing but do not go out of the way to provide what he likes. He isn't following the rules so he should have no 'goodies'. Tkae tv, game systems, etc away from him. tv in main room and/or your room for YOU. No video games, no computer games, no cell phone (he may be using a cell phone to further drug involvement), no mp3 player, nothing. Just a mattress on the floor and some clothing to cover his body. When he needs new clothes go to Goodwill or the Salvation Army until he EARNS the privilege of having clothing he likes.

    He will be very angry. This is tough to do. But it is one step to trying to turn things around. If it were me, his stuff would not be stored in the house. I would either get rid of it or get a storage unit that he does not know about to keep the stuff in. It will be a big job, so other than pawning video games and valuables, I would use freecycle or a thrift store to get rid of some of the stuff.

    I also STRONGLY recommend al anon or narc anon or families anonymous. You will find support there (inperson support) and more ideas.

    I am so glad you found us, but so sorry you needed to.

    Gentle hugs,
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Welcome and so sorry you had to find us.
    Susie and the others gave you great advice.
    I would really push for the Neuro-psychiatric evaluation if you can get him to comply.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I like Star's advice, but I will add, look in his room when he's not there--look everywhere--for signs of drug use. The cops will help you a lot more if you find out he's using serious drugs. I dont buy the "its only pot" thing. My daughter used to use and doesn't anymore and she told me, "Kids always say it's just pot and their parents usually buy it." He is acting out too much for just pot. Pot makes a kid lazy and lethargic, not defiant and aggressive. Take anything you find to the police so that you can get your child help. I agree that wilderness camp is pretty much just a short-term vacation for you (not a bad thing, but, unless he wants to turn around, it's no quick fix). There is nothing quick. My daughter didn't turn around until we sent her far away from her (ahem) "friends." You may have to try that, even if it means a stay in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Good luck.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Can you have him Baker Acted? This will hold him for 5 days in the Hospital.

    What about a PINS or CHINS not sure which. One is Parent in need of services the other is Child in need of services. To me this almost seems like PINS - you are struggling to get him to do anything.
    The judge will make the rules and if he does not follow them will be brought back before the judge.
  12. compassion

    compassion Member

    My experience would be to apply for SSI immedialty for him:it takes awhile. He can then get Medicaid which wil lcover Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
    I chose not to go wilderness camps at this time as she has both mood disorder and subatance abuse. Wildnerness camps are, in what I have researched more perosnl growth and /or discipline oriented.
  13. rdugirl

    rdugirl New Member

    Thanks to all of you! I have gone thru his room several times. In my mind, taking away all his clothes and just giving him a mattress seems cruel and almost neglectful? But, I understand what your saying. He has no phone, he has IPOD, he could care less about playing xbox. I have talked to gang prevention officers and they talked to resources officer at school and looked at what I found in his room...beads, paper with gang sayings on them etc. and they say he is 'not seriously' involved?? ANY involvement to me is serious.

    As far as girlfriend goes, they live in ghetto HUD housing and I have called police who have picked him up from there several times, they DO NOTHING, but bring him home and say that as long as they girlfriend or gm say my son has permission to be there that there is nothing they can do. They don't care about my child being there, it is a joke to them. So, I stopped calling. I take his clothes away and when he calls me from walmart to pick him up after being out without permission he is wearing clothes that either others are giving him or he is stealing??? People say don't let him in the house, don't pick him up..but then I am the one who will be charged with being neglectful and abandoning my child. I'm going crazy!

    Police wanted to file assault charges, we went to dept of juv detention prevention yesterday and he spoke with intake who had him sign paper that for 6 months he would go to school, no gang activity/association, listen to rules at home. If not I call and he goes back down. They will release him to me again and he will just continue to do what he wants. difficult child knows the system can't and won't do much.

    After reading here even if court ordered him to eckerd I may be responsible for child support and would be giving up my rights? And, if he doesn't want to change then what is the point? I talk to counselors at school so much I know they are tired of hearing from son isn't the only defiant child and it's my problem not theirs?? I'm exhausted. He refuses family counseling. So, I am thinking, give up, throw in the towel. let him do what he wants and pray for the best. It just seems so unfair to us, the parents who are doing everything we know how to get our difficult child the help they need. What if I wanted to sign over parental rights to my parents? How does that work? I have threatened to pick up and move, get him away from this enviornment but that is only just taking the problems somewhere new. Same behavior, different place.