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Help! Son with Anti-Social Person. Disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="Gatheredtogether" data-source="post: 603513" data-attributes="member: 16711"><p>There is so much to take in. All of this advice is wonderful and at the same time I'm having a panic attack just thinking of doing any of this. I have almost no support. The one person that is able to cut himself off from the situation emotionally is my middle son. He lives in another state but is there for me to speak with. He will continue to try to help from a distance but at the same time he is watching to see if this time I will follow through. He's tired of me crying on his shoulder, giving me advice, and then seeing me not follow through. My oldest, who lives with me, is absolutely an emotional wreck and as much as he tries he can't be a support. He is confused by the roller coaster I've created by not following through, the nightmare of trying to do it, the fights, the doors being broken down, holes in the wall, etc, etc. He said if/when this takes place he doubts he can be here. I can't blame him. He can't cope! And I don't blame him. Remember, he is supporting us which is already an enormous burden. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I've had suicidal thoughts so many times today because of all of this. I'm bipolar and it's hard enough keeping myself in balance. As you all know stress is a major trigger. I won't follow through so please don't worry. I just want out of this nightmare. I went to the Dollar Store this morning and all the school supplies were out on display. I almost broke down into tears remembering simpler days with wonderful dreams for my little boys and trying to lead them all on the path to success. How awful I feel. How did I fail so miserably? I am responsible for his personality disorder as much as his father is (and whatever genetic component plays a part). I have borderline personality disorder which majorly contributes to instability in children. I know it's not my fault that I have this disorder but I blame myself for not being able to control it. I've always felt IF ONLY I HAD WORKED HARDER! I felt that when I divorced and now once again I feel the same.(I stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage or 22 years. So you see this is a pattern). I know the rational way to view this but emotions are a powerful force. I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to give me such detailed information. There is always the possibility that he will call his father but I'm not certain how that will turn out. Their relationship is not great but better than it once was. When I told my ex last night of my intention he listened and said, "my blood sugar is out of control and I can't take any stress right now." What ?? Last week he was on board, going to help him feel better about working, etc, etc. and none of it came to pass. (remember he's a sociopath). Once again I believed he would be there to help and like a friend of mine said, "he gives you a false sense of security then pulls the rug out from under you." Exactly! It's frightening because my son has the ex's traits which I've tried so hard get under control and redirect. Well, I'm babbling I see. I opened the floodgates and I'm all over the place with stories, emotions, and what have you. Mostly, I keep thinking why did I open this bag of worms? Why did I have to start this again? Maybe I should have just looked the other way. Maybe I should have done it another time...on and on it goes. I'm really, really frightened. Thank you again for listening to me. I apologize for going off in so many directions. </p><p></p><p>*Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Gatheredtogether, post: 603513, member: 16711"] There is so much to take in. All of this advice is wonderful and at the same time I'm having a panic attack just thinking of doing any of this. I have almost no support. The one person that is able to cut himself off from the situation emotionally is my middle son. He lives in another state but is there for me to speak with. He will continue to try to help from a distance but at the same time he is watching to see if this time I will follow through. He's tired of me crying on his shoulder, giving me advice, and then seeing me not follow through. My oldest, who lives with me, is absolutely an emotional wreck and as much as he tries he can't be a support. He is confused by the roller coaster I've created by not following through, the nightmare of trying to do it, the fights, the doors being broken down, holes in the wall, etc, etc. He said if/when this takes place he doubts he can be here. I can't blame him. He can't cope! And I don't blame him. Remember, he is supporting us which is already an enormous burden. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I've had suicidal thoughts so many times today because of all of this. I'm bipolar and it's hard enough keeping myself in balance. As you all know stress is a major trigger. I won't follow through so please don't worry. I just want out of this nightmare. I went to the Dollar Store this morning and all the school supplies were out on display. I almost broke down into tears remembering simpler days with wonderful dreams for my little boys and trying to lead them all on the path to success. How awful I feel. How did I fail so miserably? I am responsible for his personality disorder as much as his father is (and whatever genetic component plays a part). I have borderline personality disorder which majorly contributes to instability in children. I know it's not my fault that I have this disorder but I blame myself for not being able to control it. I've always felt IF ONLY I HAD WORKED HARDER! I felt that when I divorced and now once again I feel the same.(I stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage or 22 years. So you see this is a pattern). I know the rational way to view this but emotions are a powerful force. I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to give me such detailed information. There is always the possibility that he will call his father but I'm not certain how that will turn out. Their relationship is not great but better than it once was. When I told my ex last night of my intention he listened and said, "my blood sugar is out of control and I can't take any stress right now." What ?? Last week he was on board, going to help him feel better about working, etc, etc. and none of it came to pass. (remember he's a sociopath). Once again I believed he would be there to help and like a friend of mine said, "he gives you a false sense of security then pulls the rug out from under you." Exactly! It's frightening because my son has the ex's traits which I've tried so hard get under control and redirect. Well, I'm babbling I see. I opened the floodgates and I'm all over the place with stories, emotions, and what have you. Mostly, I keep thinking why did I open this bag of worms? Why did I have to start this again? Maybe I should have just looked the other way. Maybe I should have done it another time...on and on it goes. I'm really, really frightened. Thank you again for listening to me. I apologize for going off in so many directions. *Barbara [/QUOTE]
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