Help......Teenager out of control.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by emily jane, Apr 24, 2007.

  1. emily jane

    emily jane New Member

    Hi im new

    I hope im posting this in the right place..

    I have a teenage daughter who is 13. I am a lone parent and have brought her up on my own. Since last summer she has been getting more and more difficult to manage.

    In the last few weeks I found out she has been smoking and drinking. Also I caught her stealing from my purse (which I had suspected for quite some time.) She lied to me about a sleepover arrangement. She was missing for hours found her out on the streets with a gang of older kids she is not allowed to even speak to.

    I confiscated her mobile phone and grounded her. She has spent the last 2 weeks smashing the house up kicking and punching me refusing to go to school (on and off) Her rages last for hours she follows me from room to room screaming and shouting. I feel I am at the the point of having a breakdown from the stress. I am also worried that I will snap and beat her.

    I have spoken to social services (last week) and am waiting for them to call me back with a view to helping us.

    I just need words of comfort and advice has anyone been through similar circumstances?...How I have got through tonight I do not know.. Im not even sure if this makes sense im so wrecked from it all..

    Thanks for reading
  2. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    I too called for help after my son then 14 put his fist thru a window because he didn't want to go to school. I thought things would get better but they didn't he just BS'ed them. (He's good at that) First and for most you must call them again for your safty. It will be hard some of the things they suggest but at least they will be able to steer you in the right direction.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi Emily and welcome

    You have landed in a safe place. We have all been there.

    I have a 19 year old daughter who had aggressive behavior starting around age 15. Running away, sneaking out, stealing the car, drugs, the whole shot. We eventually had her eveluated and treated with medications.

    In your post, it didn't sound like you have had her evaluated yet by a psychiatrist. I would wager that it might be a battle given her age. However you are on the right track by contacting social services. Depending on your area, they may make her get an evaluation.

    There are many many warrior moms & dads on this board with a ton of experience. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Someone will probably have an answer. We all are here for encouragement.

    Again welcome.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Emily! Has your daughter been diagnosed with any mental health issues? These behaviors come along with other diagnosis's often.

    I think I would be speaking to my local law enforcement about a PINS (parent in need of services) or CHINS (child in need of services) request.
    This will put the disciplinary actions in a judges hands. If she violates them, he doles out the punishments. It takes you out of the equation a bit - makes you less vulnerable to her anger, in my humble opinion.
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello Emily, Welcome to the board. There are many of us here who have delt with this type of behavior. We have many different approaches but bottom line is your daughter is a threat to you. The fact that you have contacted social services shows that you are indeed at your wits end. Social services tends to move a bit slowly. If your daughter is abusing you physically and smashing your property you can and in many parents opinion here on the board should call the police. Ask them to take her to your nearest ER for a psychiatric evaluation. if she is released right back to you which sometimes happens and starts getting phyusical with you or your possessions again call th plice again. You need to document this behavior and that is a good way to do it. Yes there is a possibility that she will have charges filed against her but usually with juvies they have many opportunities to get this offence off their record. I truly advise you to do this now while she is younger. Once she is in the adult system she will be treated much more harshly. -RM
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hi you, been there done that since my son was 13. he started really acting up about the start of puberty. he refused school too. be sure to tell the school you are trying to send her but she refuses so you do not get charged with truancy. meet with the vice principal and discuss this to cover yourself.

    hope you get some help. you are going to make it. do not let her hit you and if she does, call the cops.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Sorry don't have any words of advice, just sympathy and a welcome to the board.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I wanted to add my welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here, but am very glad you found us. Just knowing you're not alone and having a forum to vent your frustrations in a non-judgmental environment helps a lot.

    I would advocate for calling the police when your daughter becomes violent as well. Since you're in Ireland, I can't speak of the process there. Do you have any idea what would happen once the police were called? Could you call the juvenile department of your local police station and ask them how these cases are normally handled and what they recommend?

    Crossing my fingers that social services gets back with you sooner than later. Please feel free to vent, solicit advise, or share a laugh in the watercooler.
  9. emily jane

    emily jane New Member

    Hi everyone..

    Thanks you for such a lovely supportive welcome..

    I am in a different time Zone to you all..sorry.. :frown:

    Well I hardly slept last night...I am having such bad palpitations and anxiety as soon as I lie down all the deep breathing in the world doesnt seem to be helping. I feel that one night when she is having a fit I am going to just keel over with a heart attack or a stroke.

    I have an appointment with the Dr this morning..I spoke to a councelor a few days ago who suggested I try to get her referred to a child and adolescent phsycologist. I have thought for years there was something not quite right about her anger problems. She would have tantrums lasting hours even as a young child. However, she was easier to manage then they happened less frequently. Also she was not so aggressive and..well tall. She is the same size as me now.

    The councelor recommended passive behaviour from soon as she starts I leave the house. Which is fine until a point. Where can I go late at night? Last night I managed to remain passive for a while until her agression got so bad I had to threaten to beat the hell out of her to stop her. This stopped the aggression but she then just started on the mental abuse.When she finally decided she had tortured me enough and went to bed (by which stage I was downstairs sobbing into my dogs neck.) She then came back down to scream at me for crying as she couldnt get to sleep.

    I feel I am suffering from some sort of abuse? I watched my mother go through abuse for many years with my father it feels horribly similar.

    I live in a small town in the country. If things got so bad I had to call the gards (Irish police) I would be lucky if they turned up in a couple of hours..they are a little laid back here...To be honest I am suprised that one of the neighbours hasnt called them already.

    Apart from at home she is like an angel. She is good at school polite to adults (apart from a few close friends who have seen her at home in action.) Im not sure how long all that will last though. I think the halo is starting to slip.

    At the moment I feel I want the social services to come and take her away for a few days. I know its not ideal but I dont think I can cope one more night on my own. The thing is then she might be ok for a few hours or even a day and I think I will be ok and then it starts again...

    Anyway I had better go and get ready to see the Doctor. Thank again for all your replies. I am sorry for such a long post. Its so nice to get it all out without being judged..

  10. realangel

    realangel New Member

    HI Emily and welcome

    When you manage to get a response from social services (trust me they can be a bind to get to help from) maybe suggest to them about your daughter seeing CAMHS? (children and adolescent mental health services). I did that this time round and difficult child is again being assessed for ADHD etc. Also, as Heather suggested, every time she becomes violent towards you call the police... but FOLLOW IT THROUGH! This will give her the message that her behavior is not acceptable and you will not stand for it any more. I wish I had done all this when my difficult child was 13.. he is now 16 and it took me all that time to realize what he was doing was actually domestic abuse. He is now out of the home in a foster placement, which wasn't what i was after, but i now know that its the best place for him and unfortunately the ONLY way to get social services to help us.... but thats because of his age (so they told me).

    They may try and tell you because of her age they cant help, they may assess you and your daughter and put plans in place.... make sure they stick to them! Last year we had social services 'help' us... for all of 3 weeks!! Because he presented as a good kid to them they felt i was being overly paranoid and closed our case.

    Keep on to them and take to BS from them.. they CAN and MUST help you! Tell them your daughter is a child in need (because she is.. she is in need of help) every child has the right to help and stability... and every parent/guardian has the right to feel safe in their own home.

    I wish you luck.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You may very well be suffering from some kind of PTSD-like symptoms if your daughter's behavior is bringing back memories of the abuse in your childhood home. I know that my son has triggered a couple of dissociative episodes in me when I wasn't doing well. I remember when he was ill and he did something to his sister...I can't remember exactly what it was, but it wasn't overtly violent...but I "flashedback" a bit and it might as well as been his father standing there. It definitely makes it more difficult to deal with your child then.

    Make sure to talk to your doctor about this. Maybe ask for a referral for yourself to a counselor? You need someone to talk to for you as well. A lot of us with difficult child's find ourselves seeking our own therapy. It takes a lot out of you to deal with these challenging kids.

    Take care of you.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Your description sounded more like a reminder than a flashback, but Heather is right - past abuse could be complicating the picture. It certainly could have set you up to be taking far more than you should have to.

    I understand about police not likely to respond - we have that here - but maybe a phone call to them, sometime when she's out of the house, just to ask what you could do in a future situation, since this is what you have been advised you should have done last time. Ask them for their advice on what you should set up.

    I think that if you make a big noise about calling the Garda, and they DON'T show, it will only make her bolder and more defiant. I think you need to have something in place ahead of time so you have a number of contingency plans. Talk to a few professionals from a few different areas (including your local juvenile mental health counsellors, there have to be some available on the phone).

    Hang in there, Emily.

  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    One piece of advice. It has been mentioned, but it bears repeating.

    Document EVERYTHING! Her behaviors, who you contacted, who you spoke with, how they responded. If you are in a poor frame of mind during one of her outbursts, you may not be able to remember what is going on around you. Write it down. This way you will always have something to refer to.

    I have gone through several notebooks with my 19 year old, and am well on my way to fillinf up a notebook with my 6 year old.
  14. emily jane

    emily jane New Member

    Hi Everyone..

    Thanks so much for all your advice..It was running through my head all yesterday as I was talking to docs social workers councelors etc..

    I went to my Dr yesterday morning and explained to her what was happening. She was very sypmathetic and said she would have to see J before she could refer her to CAMHS..(thanks Realangel)

    I finally managed to get her to the Dr last night (she went missing after school for a few hours) after much swearing and shouting (from her.) I left them to talk alone although J wanted me to stay but I just wanted to give her the chance to open up.

    Basically she told the Dr I was making a big fuss about nothing and that we were just having lots of rows at the moment as I had taken way her phone/computer and she was grounded etc..
    The Dr has referred her to CAMHS but added she couldnt see anything wrong with J apart from being a moody teenager.

    As we walked home (up a quiet country lane) J started getting very angry with me for making her go to the Doctor she hit me hard 5 times in the arm back and stomach. (I wish the doctor had happened to drive past.) In the end a friend had to come and rescue me from the house.

    The social workers are coming today. They are phoning me this morning to see if I feel I still want J to go into care for a while.(Thay have a lovely family lined up) I am abs devastated that it has come to this. I dont want her to go into care but everytime I have been left alone with her in the last few days she has hit me and started smashing up the house. I have spent most of the time sat crying in a nearby field frightend to go home...I dont see anyway out of it.

    If I gave her phone etc back she would probably go back to this happening only once or twice a week.....However the reason I took them off her was the trouble she has got her self into talking to and getting mixed up with a bad group of older kids.

    I just dont know what to do..I am an abs wreck and am constantly crying and feel really desperate and alone.
  15. realangel

    realangel New Member


    So sorry your feeling lost at the moment. Great that doctor has agreed to CAMHS, hopefully they will help. The CAMHS worker visited with me before seeing my difficult child so I could tell them my concerns.. hopefully they will do that with you if your daughter isn't living with you for a while?

    I know its the hardest thing in the world to let social services take your child, but at times like this its the best thing. Its only short term so look on it as a kind of respite .. time for you to get your head together and sort things out. Let the social workers deal with your daughter, thats what they are paid for. Organize contact visits so you can still see your daughter, but maybe ask for them to be supervised for your own safety? we have done this but sadly our difficult child isn't so willing. I think yours will be.

    I hope you will have better support from social services than we did.

    sending prayers and gentle hugs your way
  16. emily jane

    emily jane New Member

    Thanks Lisa.. :smile:

    The social worker ( who was abs lovely) has just left. She is coming back in a few hours and we are going to collect difficult child (im learning the lingo) from school.

    She decided that she would be better off going to a lady carer rather than a family as she would be more likely to open up to her. She is leaving this evening until monday night.(initially) The social worker was abs 100% it was the right thing to do I am feeling a little better about it now..

    I am dreading the scene that difficult child might make when she realises shes off but......

    I will look forward at least a weekend of peace...and so will the dog.

    Im exhausted.
  17. realangel

    realangel New Member

    How was your weekend Emily? Any news about difficult child?
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I caught this post a little late, but I'm wondering how the weekend went. You are absoluteley doing the right thing in having her removed from your home. She cannot be allowed to be physically abusive to you!!!!

    Please let us know how things turned out.
  19. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    I too caught this post a lil late and am with the others wondering how your weekend went. Your difficult child cannot be in your home with you so long as she continues to abuse you. My opinion... Shes a bully and needs a serious wakeup call even if it means no longer being with you. It hurts to do the right thing but if it means getting her the help she needs as well as stopping the physical abuse that she inflicts on you daily then so be it. You would never accept being treated that way by a stranger so why would it be ok for her to do it. Its not ok.... I hope things are better today for ya.