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Help with autistic teen behavior!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 335468" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We've had to totally re-think discipline in our family. The this is - discipline is something we each learn when we are children. We then apply what worked on us, to our own families. Often what was used on us worked well and was appropriate.</p><p></p><p>BUT - kids with various problems don't respond the normal way because their brains work a different way. They learn a different way. Therefore the usual methods just don't fit and can actually make the problems worse.</p><p></p><p>You need to be able to get into your son's head and see the world as he does. With autism, social skills are a big problem. Much of how your son learns social skills will be by imitation. Even if you feel he is disrespectful to you and your husband, your son is actually modelling his behaviour on yours.</p><p></p><p>Now look at your behaviour to him. If you're anything like a lot of parents, you see yourself as being on a higher rung than your son, when it comes to status in the family. You are the mum, he is the kid. You've probably said this to him, often.</p><p>But the trick with these kids - it's not what you tell them, it's what they observe. They learn by observation and imitation. How often have you heard your own words come back at you from him? I first heard this with easy child 2/difficult child 2, when she was about 3 years old. I had poured a cup of water instead of the juice she had asked for because I had a rule that the kids had to have water for very second drink. So she stood there, hands on hips and said firmly, "I told you, I wanted JUICE! Why won't you pay attention to me?"</p><p></p><p>So if you use your position of superiority to command respect from your autistic child, not only will it be less likely to work, but it has a good chance of backfiring badly. Your child will dish out to you, exactly the same phrases, words and attitude you dish out to him. Exactly. </p><p></p><p>We say we want equality in this world, but when it smacks you in the face (literally, in your case) we find it is not so palatable. The truth is, we are not all equal. But this is a very sophisticated social concept that is beyond even a highly intelligent High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kid.</p><p></p><p>When they are adults it won't matter so much. An attitude like this form an adult slips below the radar. But when they are kids, it's just plain wrong.</p><p></p><p>We made a decision in our family, to stop trying to enforce the "Because I said so" approach, it was going to be just too much hard work, when it is only a problem while he's a kid. Instead, we brought in the "flatmate" approach. Try to imagine an old friend of yours, or maybe a cousin, has moved in for a while. This person isn't necessarily your best friend but also is not your worst enemy. This person is also not as worldly wise as you, doesn't know your household routine and needs to be supported a bit. Something like an overseas exchange student, perhaps.</p><p></p><p>Now think about how you all shuffle around and sort out the house rules, meals, responsibilities etc. If this person was a house guest, you'd probably be fussing around them for the time they were staying. But I'm talking about a longer-term arrangement, there's going to be some adjustments needed on both sides.</p><p></p><p>You need to approach an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) teen in this same way. Just as you might either bite your tongue initially with a new house resident when you find a soggy towel on the bathroom floor, do the same here. What you would eventually do, regarding the soggy towel on the bathroom floor, is call them in and say, "I note that you left your towel on the floor here. Can you please try to avoid doing that, because it makes it untidy for the rest of us that use the bathroom. Also, and this is important for you, if your towel is left on the floor then it will get walked all over and made soggier by everyone else, so when you next go to use it you will find your towel very unpleasant to use. I don't want tat for you, so how about you use this hook here for your towel? We can make sure this hook is always left available for you. Is that OK?"</p><p></p><p>You spell out the advantages TO THIS PERSON of following the house rule and you make it clear what the accommodation is, for their use. This person has a place in the household, and you have just defined it. Also there may be times when this person wants to do something for you, or understand a better way to belong. You will constantly need to keep in touch with how this person feels and how to help them feel they have their own niche in the household. Make it work for you, help them fit in with the already-existing house rules. Some house rules may need to be modified, plus this person may bring some skills or other interesting aspects to the household, so involve them in discussions over house rules.</p><p></p><p>Another example of a good house rule for flatmates - you let one another know when you are going out, where you are going and when you will be back. Each person does this, whether they be child or parent. It is a good habit to get into anyway, because all of this I am suggesting, your child will need when they leave home. Whether they leave home to go to college, or to get married, or simply to live away from home - chances are at some stage, your child will need to live with others for a while and will therefore benefit from the same sort of social rules.</p><p></p><p>So, back to letting people know of your movements - this rule applies to EVERYBODY. Parents set the example, "Johnny, I'm just popping out to the corner store, I need to get milk. Is there anything else you think we need? I'll be back in about ten minutes."</p><p>Johnny might just shrug and say nothing, but that's OK. You have just set an example. When you get back, announce that you're back.</p><p>Then require the same from him. THAT is the key. How can he refuse, when it's what you do? It is no longer a case of adults checking up on the kids, it has now become house mates keeping one another in the loop as a matter of mutual respect.</p><p>This begins to work, when you are going out and he says, "While you're at the store, I think we need more bread, too." Or when he says, "I'm going out to visit Jake, I'll be passing by the store on my way back. Do you want me to pick up anything?"</p><p>Even if he doesn't make the offer, you can grab the chance to make the request (and hope, when it comes down to it, that he remembers to get it!).</p><p></p><p>The really important side to this - when each member of the household knows everyone else's movements, you can better coordinate things like meals. It's really important to know who is going to be home for dinner. If you said you would be home at 5 pm and you're running late, you call to let people know of the change in plans.</p><p></p><p>We did this yesterday - husband & I were out on our own, leaving difficult child 3 home alone. We rang him to let him know that we didn't expect to be home before about 8 pm. But at 8 pm we were visiting mother in law in hospital, 40 minutes away from home. So we rang difficult child 3 and said to him, "OK son, it's now about 8.30 pm. We won't be home for dinner, you had better get yourself some dinner. There is fresh pasta in the freezer, how about you cook some of that for yourself? We will be home at about 9.30 pm."</p><p></p><p>If we hadn't told him, he may not have noticed. But if he did, he might have become more anxious and when we finally walked in we would then have been met with, "What time do you call this then, eh? It's very inconsiderate of you to not let me know, I was worried and about to call the police, You could have been run over by a bus!"</p><p></p><p>by the way, when we get that kind of language from him, we don't label it as insolence. It is simply imitation of our own style. And if we should have called him and we didn't - we apologise for not calling him. Then if he's not too worked up we suggest, "Son, we're OK. Sorry we didn't call; you are right, we should have. But you do need to remember, we are the adults here, you need to moderate your tone because although WE understand, someone who didn't and who overheard the way you just spoke to us, would think you are a rude, inconsiderate young man. And we know you're not that. We don't want people to think badly of you, that is why we tell you this."</p><p></p><p>Other things you do with someone else sharing the house - you show them how to use the washing machine. You get them to make their own bed, to change their own bed. You encourage them to take turns with the various chores such as cooking, washing, cleaning. You ALL pull your weight, often working side by side works best for someone with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I find difficult child 3 has always got more done, more willingly, if he sees me beside him. So if I ask difficult child 3 to do chore A while I do chore B, it often won't work. But if I ask him to help me so together we do chore A and chore B, the same amount of work is done by both of us, but he is in better grace. He also learns more about how to do these chores.</p><p></p><p>Rewards work better than punishments, too. ANy punishments - try to use natural consequences rather than punishments. For example, if he doesn't come when called for dinner, then the natural consequences is - he eats alone and his food is cold. OK, he can always heat it up in the microwave. Don't stop him doing this because to him, a lot of punishments will seem more like revenge, or you imposing your will on him because you can. In these circumstances, your intended message won't get through. But if you keep it low-key and simply say, "I did call you for dinner. We have finished ours. But you can heat yours up and eat it. A pity you will be by yourself." But no more nagging about it. Just matter-of-fact.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I think you get the idea. We have found that giving choices works for us; allowing the "other person" to have some input is also good. If this other person has a special request for a special recipe for dinner for example, then tell them that of course they can have what they want, but it has to come under budget, they have to help plan for it, shop for it, budget for it and prepare it. But of course you will help. No change is impossible, but it must take everyone else's needs into account. If your budget covers macaroni cheese and your "guest" wants lobster thermidor, then somehow they need to make it work for everybody, or postpone the dream until they CAN make it work.</p><p></p><p>It's all a lesson in how to live day to day, with life's responsibilities. No nagging, no instruction theoretically - just practical involvement with hands-on learning in a low-key way.</p><p></p><p>The benefits of tis approach are legion. If you have an autistic person in the house, this can bring an increase in order unexpectedly. You may also find this person adopting chores that they enjoy, such as doing the washing. When we bought our new front-loader washing machine, I started it off and then the boys went missing. I finally found them both, sitting in front of the washing machine with their heads tilting this way and that in unison, over and over, as they watched the clothes swish back and forth. difficult child spoke up. "I don't know why, but I find this strangely compelling."</p><p></p><p>Anyway, that's just a rough idea of how it works. </p><p></p><p>As for the clumsiness, some people are just like this. My mother in law is one such - and at 86 she's not likely to change. If something is in her way and she doesn't want it to be, she will push it, shove it or generally force it until something gives. She gets cranky with something (like a knife that won't cut properly) and will slam it or force it, often making things worse.</p><p></p><p>Impulsivity is not exclusive to the young!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 335468, member: 1991"] We've had to totally re-think discipline in our family. The this is - discipline is something we each learn when we are children. We then apply what worked on us, to our own families. Often what was used on us worked well and was appropriate. BUT - kids with various problems don't respond the normal way because their brains work a different way. They learn a different way. Therefore the usual methods just don't fit and can actually make the problems worse. You need to be able to get into your son's head and see the world as he does. With autism, social skills are a big problem. Much of how your son learns social skills will be by imitation. Even if you feel he is disrespectful to you and your husband, your son is actually modelling his behaviour on yours. Now look at your behaviour to him. If you're anything like a lot of parents, you see yourself as being on a higher rung than your son, when it comes to status in the family. You are the mum, he is the kid. You've probably said this to him, often. But the trick with these kids - it's not what you tell them, it's what they observe. They learn by observation and imitation. How often have you heard your own words come back at you from him? I first heard this with easy child 2/difficult child 2, when she was about 3 years old. I had poured a cup of water instead of the juice she had asked for because I had a rule that the kids had to have water for very second drink. So she stood there, hands on hips and said firmly, "I told you, I wanted JUICE! Why won't you pay attention to me?" So if you use your position of superiority to command respect from your autistic child, not only will it be less likely to work, but it has a good chance of backfiring badly. Your child will dish out to you, exactly the same phrases, words and attitude you dish out to him. Exactly. We say we want equality in this world, but when it smacks you in the face (literally, in your case) we find it is not so palatable. The truth is, we are not all equal. But this is a very sophisticated social concept that is beyond even a highly intelligent High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kid. When they are adults it won't matter so much. An attitude like this form an adult slips below the radar. But when they are kids, it's just plain wrong. We made a decision in our family, to stop trying to enforce the "Because I said so" approach, it was going to be just too much hard work, when it is only a problem while he's a kid. Instead, we brought in the "flatmate" approach. Try to imagine an old friend of yours, or maybe a cousin, has moved in for a while. This person isn't necessarily your best friend but also is not your worst enemy. This person is also not as worldly wise as you, doesn't know your household routine and needs to be supported a bit. Something like an overseas exchange student, perhaps. Now think about how you all shuffle around and sort out the house rules, meals, responsibilities etc. If this person was a house guest, you'd probably be fussing around them for the time they were staying. But I'm talking about a longer-term arrangement, there's going to be some adjustments needed on both sides. You need to approach an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) teen in this same way. Just as you might either bite your tongue initially with a new house resident when you find a soggy towel on the bathroom floor, do the same here. What you would eventually do, regarding the soggy towel on the bathroom floor, is call them in and say, "I note that you left your towel on the floor here. Can you please try to avoid doing that, because it makes it untidy for the rest of us that use the bathroom. Also, and this is important for you, if your towel is left on the floor then it will get walked all over and made soggier by everyone else, so when you next go to use it you will find your towel very unpleasant to use. I don't want tat for you, so how about you use this hook here for your towel? We can make sure this hook is always left available for you. Is that OK?" You spell out the advantages TO THIS PERSON of following the house rule and you make it clear what the accommodation is, for their use. This person has a place in the household, and you have just defined it. Also there may be times when this person wants to do something for you, or understand a better way to belong. You will constantly need to keep in touch with how this person feels and how to help them feel they have their own niche in the household. Make it work for you, help them fit in with the already-existing house rules. Some house rules may need to be modified, plus this person may bring some skills or other interesting aspects to the household, so involve them in discussions over house rules. Another example of a good house rule for flatmates - you let one another know when you are going out, where you are going and when you will be back. Each person does this, whether they be child or parent. It is a good habit to get into anyway, because all of this I am suggesting, your child will need when they leave home. Whether they leave home to go to college, or to get married, or simply to live away from home - chances are at some stage, your child will need to live with others for a while and will therefore benefit from the same sort of social rules. So, back to letting people know of your movements - this rule applies to EVERYBODY. Parents set the example, "Johnny, I'm just popping out to the corner store, I need to get milk. Is there anything else you think we need? I'll be back in about ten minutes." Johnny might just shrug and say nothing, but that's OK. You have just set an example. When you get back, announce that you're back. Then require the same from him. THAT is the key. How can he refuse, when it's what you do? It is no longer a case of adults checking up on the kids, it has now become house mates keeping one another in the loop as a matter of mutual respect. This begins to work, when you are going out and he says, "While you're at the store, I think we need more bread, too." Or when he says, "I'm going out to visit Jake, I'll be passing by the store on my way back. Do you want me to pick up anything?" Even if he doesn't make the offer, you can grab the chance to make the request (and hope, when it comes down to it, that he remembers to get it!). The really important side to this - when each member of the household knows everyone else's movements, you can better coordinate things like meals. It's really important to know who is going to be home for dinner. If you said you would be home at 5 pm and you're running late, you call to let people know of the change in plans. We did this yesterday - husband & I were out on our own, leaving difficult child 3 home alone. We rang him to let him know that we didn't expect to be home before about 8 pm. But at 8 pm we were visiting mother in law in hospital, 40 minutes away from home. So we rang difficult child 3 and said to him, "OK son, it's now about 8.30 pm. We won't be home for dinner, you had better get yourself some dinner. There is fresh pasta in the freezer, how about you cook some of that for yourself? We will be home at about 9.30 pm." If we hadn't told him, he may not have noticed. But if he did, he might have become more anxious and when we finally walked in we would then have been met with, "What time do you call this then, eh? It's very inconsiderate of you to not let me know, I was worried and about to call the police, You could have been run over by a bus!" by the way, when we get that kind of language from him, we don't label it as insolence. It is simply imitation of our own style. And if we should have called him and we didn't - we apologise for not calling him. Then if he's not too worked up we suggest, "Son, we're OK. Sorry we didn't call; you are right, we should have. But you do need to remember, we are the adults here, you need to moderate your tone because although WE understand, someone who didn't and who overheard the way you just spoke to us, would think you are a rude, inconsiderate young man. And we know you're not that. We don't want people to think badly of you, that is why we tell you this." Other things you do with someone else sharing the house - you show them how to use the washing machine. You get them to make their own bed, to change their own bed. You encourage them to take turns with the various chores such as cooking, washing, cleaning. You ALL pull your weight, often working side by side works best for someone with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I find difficult child 3 has always got more done, more willingly, if he sees me beside him. So if I ask difficult child 3 to do chore A while I do chore B, it often won't work. But if I ask him to help me so together we do chore A and chore B, the same amount of work is done by both of us, but he is in better grace. He also learns more about how to do these chores. Rewards work better than punishments, too. ANy punishments - try to use natural consequences rather than punishments. For example, if he doesn't come when called for dinner, then the natural consequences is - he eats alone and his food is cold. OK, he can always heat it up in the microwave. Don't stop him doing this because to him, a lot of punishments will seem more like revenge, or you imposing your will on him because you can. In these circumstances, your intended message won't get through. But if you keep it low-key and simply say, "I did call you for dinner. We have finished ours. But you can heat yours up and eat it. A pity you will be by yourself." But no more nagging about it. Just matter-of-fact. Anyway, I think you get the idea. We have found that giving choices works for us; allowing the "other person" to have some input is also good. If this other person has a special request for a special recipe for dinner for example, then tell them that of course they can have what they want, but it has to come under budget, they have to help plan for it, shop for it, budget for it and prepare it. But of course you will help. No change is impossible, but it must take everyone else's needs into account. If your budget covers macaroni cheese and your "guest" wants lobster thermidor, then somehow they need to make it work for everybody, or postpone the dream until they CAN make it work. It's all a lesson in how to live day to day, with life's responsibilities. No nagging, no instruction theoretically - just practical involvement with hands-on learning in a low-key way. The benefits of tis approach are legion. If you have an autistic person in the house, this can bring an increase in order unexpectedly. You may also find this person adopting chores that they enjoy, such as doing the washing. When we bought our new front-loader washing machine, I started it off and then the boys went missing. I finally found them both, sitting in front of the washing machine with their heads tilting this way and that in unison, over and over, as they watched the clothes swish back and forth. difficult child spoke up. "I don't know why, but I find this strangely compelling." Anyway, that's just a rough idea of how it works. As for the clumsiness, some people are just like this. My mother in law is one such - and at 86 she's not likely to change. If something is in her way and she doesn't want it to be, she will push it, shove it or generally force it until something gives. She gets cranky with something (like a knife that won't cut properly) and will slam it or force it, often making things worse. Impulsivity is not exclusive to the young! Marg [/QUOTE]
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