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Help with autistic teen behavior!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 336047" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>LadyM, have you noticed that this is the sort of issue that seems to repeatedly set him off? The sort of situation where he is perseverative, desperate for you to pay attention to what he is saying (even if it makes no sense to you) and he simply won't back off and give you space? And then you take something from him (even if you repeatedly warned him you would) and he then REALLY explodes?</p><p></p><p>I suspect I'm right.</p><p></p><p>Several reasons for this, and if you can, YOU need to change what you're doing here (although you're not wrong) because he CAN'T change here.</p><p></p><p>First, when he is talking at you and at you, even if it seems to make no sense - they really don't have a lot of control over this and it's not effective to punish him for what he can't really control. His behaviour will be very Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in this. As he gets older he will acquire more skill here but he needs help with it; fear of punishment from you will make his perseverative behaviour worse, not better, because it ramps up his anxiety.</p><p></p><p>Second, taking something from him - unless what you take has a direct link to why he is badgering you, this is very unhelpful. From his point of view, you are doing this because you are more powerful. It then becomes a control thing and instead of teaching him not to do what he was doing, instead he focusses on "How can I get to have power and control like that?" and can quickly degenerate into a struggle for supremacy.</p><p></p><p>You have noticed how much he patterns his own behaviour on yours; therefore you need to become even more so, the model for him.</p><p></p><p>Again I emphasise - you have not been doing anything that is bad parenting. What you have been doing works for millions of other families. It's just that it is what DOESN'T work for THESE kids, and so we need to flip it over and find the better way. The good news is, this flipped over methodology also works for the other kids (so you now have more than one way to handle them; but I don't recommend you mix and match. Choose one method and stick to it or even 'normal' kids will get confused).</p><p></p><p>Even if what you take from him is directly linked to his nagging, it's probably still a bad idea. Punishment in general tends to not really work with these kids. Especially ifhe is bright, he needs to see an example of how he should behave, and then be given a chance to practice it and be rewarded for it. If you get impatient with him, it only serves to ramp up the anxiety and make him worse. It also means YOU risk missing the point of his behaviour. Not the point he is trying to make, although sometimes it can be the same thing. But you need to be really on your guard the whole time to listen to him (including what he may not be aware he's saying or doing) so you can step in and say, "Ah, I think I see what is happening here. have you tried doing it this way?"</p><p></p><p>If you're impatient or distracted, that is when problem behaviours can suddenly appear, seemingly out of the blue although this actually rarely happens. If you can look back and analyse, there is always a reason for what happened. Finding those reasons will give you the clues to help him next time.</p><p></p><p>The more you can help him (instead of punishing him) the faster he will learn self-control and the right way to behave. It won't happen smoothly because this isn't just about learning how to behave; it's also about learning to overcome some things he has poor control of, due to the autism.</p><p></p><p>A simple example - difficult child 3 is obsessed with certain things. Computer gaming and anything technological. Bubbles. Balls, especially in various kinds of ball races. Coin sorting money boxes. So if we're going somewhere public and he sees something like this, he will stop and stare at it. if we're in a hurry, this can be a problem. Let's say he & I are rushing along a city street and he sees a moving ball race in a shop window. He MUST stop and look, but we are running to catch a bus and we risk missing it. I handle this by telling him, "I promise we will come back this way and give you time to watch it for a lot longer, but we haven't got time now, I'm sorry. I need you to hurry with me. We WILL come back."</p><p>Because he knows I will keep my promise, these days he will (still reluctantly) move along. But for the majority of the time in between he will be nagging me, "When can we go back and look at those balls, mum? Tell me when..."</p><p>It is VITAL that you do NOT punish the nagging with a retraction of the promise. OK, he's nagging. Think back to when you were a kid - how did you feel if you were afraid you might miss out on something you desperately wanted to do? There is also the fear that if he doesn't nag, you might forget. And I freely admit, this has happened to me -I've been guilty of forgetting to do what I promised simply because he was a "good boy and stopped nagging". That's the worst you can do - promise a reward if the child is good, then fail to follow through. In tihs case, it's not just a reward if he's good, it's already been promised unconditionally.</p><p></p><p>And that is a very important word to remember - unconditional.</p><p></p><p>Some reward systems make the rewards conditional on future good behaviour - a coupon system for example, where coupons earned earlier can be taken away for subsequent bad behaviour. This is a HUGE no-no.</p><p>I don't know if you saw the movie "The Black Balloon"? It didn't get a big airing in the US, although it's a major feature film starring Toni Collette and won a Crystal Bear at the berlin Film Festival in 2008.</p><p>In that film Toni Collette plays the mother of a profoundly autistic teenage boy. She has a younger teenage son who is not autistic but is struggling with the problems of having an autistic brother, plus always having to move to a new neighbourhoods because dad's job is highly mobile. Because of our involvement with the film, I have met not only the writer-director but also a number of people on whom various characters were based.</p><p>There is a scene in the movie where the autistic boy has done something he shouldn't. He is already a bit hyped up and excited, but when the mother takes away a couple of stars from his chart, he gets very upset and begins to rage. And he is already too big to physically control when he rages.</p><p>From the point of view of the person with autism, what is earned should stay earned, even if it sticks in your craw. Don't fret that he will think he is being rewarded for bad behaviour in between - these kids have VERY organised minds and in his mind he knows what the reward was for.</p><p></p><p>We have moved away a little from sticker charts. We still do have a reward system. For us it is a virtual token system, ticks on a scrap of paper type of thing - actually, difficult child 3 himself keeps a log of tokens earned by himself but he's so honest I can trust him to not cheat. Each token has a value of about $5 or one packet of Maltesers, he banks them and cashes them in on something he wants. </p><p>But the best reward system we had for a while was my time. We did it for meltdown-free days - each time he had a meltdown-free day, he earned me for half an hour playing a computer game with him. I chose "Mario Party" to play with him because it can slow down to my ability to handle it, it can be fairly low-key and there is a strong chance element to it. We would have fun with this game and it also gave me a little more chance to teach him how to comport himself with good grace, so more social skill opportunities. And it really is good to spend time together.</p><p>Sometimes I had to aks someone else to stand in for me - I would ask him if that was OK, and if he was really happy with whoever would play with him, that was accepted as valid reward time.</p><p></p><p>reward always works better than punishment, because especially in autism, the message really sticks quickly and firmly. Punishment - they tend to only focus on "I have lost my [whatever it is]" and not on why. Things like "why" are more complex anyway.</p><p></p><p>LadyM, there will be times when you feel mentally exhausted by all this. You are not alone. All I can tell you - it IS worth it. He will do better than people expect, because one ting these kids have in spades, is determination. You do not want tat determination focussed on how he can get around what you want him to do, because eventually, he will win. Not good. You need that focus to be working WITH you. And you can quickly point him in that direction, by changing to listening to him, finding out what he wants, let him have it if it's not really a problem, because ten he is more likely to give you what YOU want at a later time.</p><p></p><p>Example - difficult child 3 is a teenage boy. He gets hungry and raids the fridge. We have agreed to let him do this (although some parents would be horrified - "he will spoil his appetite!" - nope. This boy seems to have a permanently empty tummy). BUT - he must tell us when he takes the last of something. Some items, we need him to always leave one (tomatoes, cucumbers). I also moderate what I keep in the fridge, to only healthy food, fruit & vegetables, cheese, cooked meats. I just lay in extra supplies and keep my own eye on the number of carrots. If this boy fills up on fruit, vegetables, cheese and cooked meats, then so what if he spoils his appetite? All he ate, was his meals anyway.</p><p>We chose to let that one slide by, because actually it's teaching him to listen to his body, something he's still not very good at. Generally we find he needs to be reminded to eat. If husband & I are out for the day, we generally call home at 2 pm and ask difficult child 3, "Have you had lunch yet? Then stop what you are doing, and go eat." We tell him what is there for him to get. Sometimes he will cook himself something simple.</p><p>Last week a typical day - husband & I were out for our wedding anniversary. We rang home and told difficult child 3 to get himself some pasta for dinner. He's good at cooking pasta. We got home an hour later and difficult child 3 said, "I'll eat in a minute. I'm nearly there..." playing a computer game, of course. That's right, he still hadn't eaten.</p><p>It happens. If it hadn't been a computer game it could have been anything - a ball race, a book, electronics - anything. It's the ability to get absorbed by what he is doing. That ability can be a great advantage in years to come in the workplace, once he learns to channel it correctly.</p><p></p><p>Terry suggested you work on one behaviour at a time so you both don't find it too overwhelming. That is exactly right, but one important thing - make sure that you choose something he is easily able to change. Just because they can hold it together in some areas for a short time, does not mean good control in that area. If what you have chosen to work on doesn't seem to be easily responding - switch to something simpler.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 336047, member: 1991"] LadyM, have you noticed that this is the sort of issue that seems to repeatedly set him off? The sort of situation where he is perseverative, desperate for you to pay attention to what he is saying (even if it makes no sense to you) and he simply won't back off and give you space? And then you take something from him (even if you repeatedly warned him you would) and he then REALLY explodes? I suspect I'm right. Several reasons for this, and if you can, YOU need to change what you're doing here (although you're not wrong) because he CAN'T change here. First, when he is talking at you and at you, even if it seems to make no sense - they really don't have a lot of control over this and it's not effective to punish him for what he can't really control. His behaviour will be very Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in this. As he gets older he will acquire more skill here but he needs help with it; fear of punishment from you will make his perseverative behaviour worse, not better, because it ramps up his anxiety. Second, taking something from him - unless what you take has a direct link to why he is badgering you, this is very unhelpful. From his point of view, you are doing this because you are more powerful. It then becomes a control thing and instead of teaching him not to do what he was doing, instead he focusses on "How can I get to have power and control like that?" and can quickly degenerate into a struggle for supremacy. You have noticed how much he patterns his own behaviour on yours; therefore you need to become even more so, the model for him. Again I emphasise - you have not been doing anything that is bad parenting. What you have been doing works for millions of other families. It's just that it is what DOESN'T work for THESE kids, and so we need to flip it over and find the better way. The good news is, this flipped over methodology also works for the other kids (so you now have more than one way to handle them; but I don't recommend you mix and match. Choose one method and stick to it or even 'normal' kids will get confused). Even if what you take from him is directly linked to his nagging, it's probably still a bad idea. Punishment in general tends to not really work with these kids. Especially ifhe is bright, he needs to see an example of how he should behave, and then be given a chance to practice it and be rewarded for it. If you get impatient with him, it only serves to ramp up the anxiety and make him worse. It also means YOU risk missing the point of his behaviour. Not the point he is trying to make, although sometimes it can be the same thing. But you need to be really on your guard the whole time to listen to him (including what he may not be aware he's saying or doing) so you can step in and say, "Ah, I think I see what is happening here. have you tried doing it this way?" If you're impatient or distracted, that is when problem behaviours can suddenly appear, seemingly out of the blue although this actually rarely happens. If you can look back and analyse, there is always a reason for what happened. Finding those reasons will give you the clues to help him next time. The more you can help him (instead of punishing him) the faster he will learn self-control and the right way to behave. It won't happen smoothly because this isn't just about learning how to behave; it's also about learning to overcome some things he has poor control of, due to the autism. A simple example - difficult child 3 is obsessed with certain things. Computer gaming and anything technological. Bubbles. Balls, especially in various kinds of ball races. Coin sorting money boxes. So if we're going somewhere public and he sees something like this, he will stop and stare at it. if we're in a hurry, this can be a problem. Let's say he & I are rushing along a city street and he sees a moving ball race in a shop window. He MUST stop and look, but we are running to catch a bus and we risk missing it. I handle this by telling him, "I promise we will come back this way and give you time to watch it for a lot longer, but we haven't got time now, I'm sorry. I need you to hurry with me. We WILL come back." Because he knows I will keep my promise, these days he will (still reluctantly) move along. But for the majority of the time in between he will be nagging me, "When can we go back and look at those balls, mum? Tell me when..." It is VITAL that you do NOT punish the nagging with a retraction of the promise. OK, he's nagging. Think back to when you were a kid - how did you feel if you were afraid you might miss out on something you desperately wanted to do? There is also the fear that if he doesn't nag, you might forget. And I freely admit, this has happened to me -I've been guilty of forgetting to do what I promised simply because he was a "good boy and stopped nagging". That's the worst you can do - promise a reward if the child is good, then fail to follow through. In tihs case, it's not just a reward if he's good, it's already been promised unconditionally. And that is a very important word to remember - unconditional. Some reward systems make the rewards conditional on future good behaviour - a coupon system for example, where coupons earned earlier can be taken away for subsequent bad behaviour. This is a HUGE no-no. I don't know if you saw the movie "The Black Balloon"? It didn't get a big airing in the US, although it's a major feature film starring Toni Collette and won a Crystal Bear at the berlin Film Festival in 2008. In that film Toni Collette plays the mother of a profoundly autistic teenage boy. She has a younger teenage son who is not autistic but is struggling with the problems of having an autistic brother, plus always having to move to a new neighbourhoods because dad's job is highly mobile. Because of our involvement with the film, I have met not only the writer-director but also a number of people on whom various characters were based. There is a scene in the movie where the autistic boy has done something he shouldn't. He is already a bit hyped up and excited, but when the mother takes away a couple of stars from his chart, he gets very upset and begins to rage. And he is already too big to physically control when he rages. From the point of view of the person with autism, what is earned should stay earned, even if it sticks in your craw. Don't fret that he will think he is being rewarded for bad behaviour in between - these kids have VERY organised minds and in his mind he knows what the reward was for. We have moved away a little from sticker charts. We still do have a reward system. For us it is a virtual token system, ticks on a scrap of paper type of thing - actually, difficult child 3 himself keeps a log of tokens earned by himself but he's so honest I can trust him to not cheat. Each token has a value of about $5 or one packet of Maltesers, he banks them and cashes them in on something he wants. But the best reward system we had for a while was my time. We did it for meltdown-free days - each time he had a meltdown-free day, he earned me for half an hour playing a computer game with him. I chose "Mario Party" to play with him because it can slow down to my ability to handle it, it can be fairly low-key and there is a strong chance element to it. We would have fun with this game and it also gave me a little more chance to teach him how to comport himself with good grace, so more social skill opportunities. And it really is good to spend time together. Sometimes I had to aks someone else to stand in for me - I would ask him if that was OK, and if he was really happy with whoever would play with him, that was accepted as valid reward time. reward always works better than punishment, because especially in autism, the message really sticks quickly and firmly. Punishment - they tend to only focus on "I have lost my [whatever it is]" and not on why. Things like "why" are more complex anyway. LadyM, there will be times when you feel mentally exhausted by all this. You are not alone. All I can tell you - it IS worth it. He will do better than people expect, because one ting these kids have in spades, is determination. You do not want tat determination focussed on how he can get around what you want him to do, because eventually, he will win. Not good. You need that focus to be working WITH you. And you can quickly point him in that direction, by changing to listening to him, finding out what he wants, let him have it if it's not really a problem, because ten he is more likely to give you what YOU want at a later time. Example - difficult child 3 is a teenage boy. He gets hungry and raids the fridge. We have agreed to let him do this (although some parents would be horrified - "he will spoil his appetite!" - nope. This boy seems to have a permanently empty tummy). BUT - he must tell us when he takes the last of something. Some items, we need him to always leave one (tomatoes, cucumbers). I also moderate what I keep in the fridge, to only healthy food, fruit & vegetables, cheese, cooked meats. I just lay in extra supplies and keep my own eye on the number of carrots. If this boy fills up on fruit, vegetables, cheese and cooked meats, then so what if he spoils his appetite? All he ate, was his meals anyway. We chose to let that one slide by, because actually it's teaching him to listen to his body, something he's still not very good at. Generally we find he needs to be reminded to eat. If husband & I are out for the day, we generally call home at 2 pm and ask difficult child 3, "Have you had lunch yet? Then stop what you are doing, and go eat." We tell him what is there for him to get. Sometimes he will cook himself something simple. Last week a typical day - husband & I were out for our wedding anniversary. We rang home and told difficult child 3 to get himself some pasta for dinner. He's good at cooking pasta. We got home an hour later and difficult child 3 said, "I'll eat in a minute. I'm nearly there..." playing a computer game, of course. That's right, he still hadn't eaten. It happens. If it hadn't been a computer game it could have been anything - a ball race, a book, electronics - anything. It's the ability to get absorbed by what he is doing. That ability can be a great advantage in years to come in the workplace, once he learns to channel it correctly. Terry suggested you work on one behaviour at a time so you both don't find it too overwhelming. That is exactly right, but one important thing - make sure that you choose something he is easily able to change. Just because they can hold it together in some areas for a short time, does not mean good control in that area. If what you have chosen to work on doesn't seem to be easily responding - switch to something simpler. Hang in there! Marg [/QUOTE]
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