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Help with autistic teen behavior!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marg's Man" data-source="post: 336300" data-attributes="member: 4085"><p>It used to sound very familiar here until we changed our handling of these situations.</p><p></p><p>As Marg has pointed out, the aim to keep him calm especially at bedtime. Who could sleep after a violent exchange like that? I know I can't and I had enough of them with our difficult child's to know I can't. Worse still THEY don't sleep because they're wound up and you the consequences of dealing with sleep deprivation (yours and his) the next day.</p><p></p><p>Let's run through your example. I am not going to say this is how we would have managed this scenario although it is what we aim at. I miss regularly, blame the Army and its disciplinarian ways, Marg helps me stay on point.</p><p></p><p><strong>Me: difficult child its bed time</strong></p><p><strong>difficult child: No it isnt</strong></p><p><strong>Me: Yes it is, its past bed time</strong></p><p><strong>difficult child: (getting louder), no it isnt, youre lying to me, I dont see a clock anywhere!</strong></p><p><strong>Me: (now angry because he called me a liar), I am NOT lying! It is bed time, stop messing around and hit it!</strong></p><p>At this point you should be keeping an even voice and answer with something like <em>Please don't shout at me, I'm not shouting at you. There's the time</em> (pointing at some time piece, even if you have to go and get it). <em>It is bedtime.</em></p><p></p><p><strong>difficult child: You dont tell me what to do!!</strong></p><p><strong>Me: The hell I dont, Im the mom here, youre in my house, do what I told you and GET TO BED!</strong></p><p></p><p>This just what we have been saying is NOT the way to go. It is the kind of rigid discipline which is actually counter productive with these kids. Yes, you've been called liar, he is bucking you big time and he is shouting all of which kick the adrenaline through the roof just when you need him calm enough to go to sleep.</p><p></p><p>Have you (or anyone else) for that matter) considered what life would be like if everyone was truly equal? It is hard for you to take this abuse but these kids impose the ULTIMATE democracy. To their way of thinking EVERYONE is equal. If they are treated a certain way then they will treat that person the EXACT SAME WAY! Calm reasoned handling is more likely to be responded to with calm reasoned behaviour, shouting and raging also is responded to with shouting and raging. </p><p></p><p>This is not theory. It is my life.</p><p></p><p>Marg 'handles' difficult child 3 this way close on 100% of the time and she can get a lot more out of him than I can. I am far more mercurial and don't have as much practice as she does. At best I manage 55-60% and I am F-A-R more likely to come into conflict with him. Worse still, my object (to get him do whatever it is I wanted him to do) is either not done or done so poorly that it may as well not have been tried at all.</p><p></p><p>I truly understand how hard this approach is. It seems that you are letting him run amok. Run through the scenarios you give in your head but this time mentally substitute another adult you are trying to control. How far would you have got? In his calmer moments you explain that you will tolerat things from him that no one else will.</p><p></p><p>Like it or not; this is the approach that is most likely to work. Your ultimate aim is send a functioning person out into the big wide world where people will not tolerate his behaviour. Behave this way in the wrong places and he will end up in gaol or even worse.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marg's Man, post: 336300, member: 4085"] It used to sound very familiar here until we changed our handling of these situations. As Marg has pointed out, the aim to keep him calm especially at bedtime. Who could sleep after a violent exchange like that? I know I can't and I had enough of them with our difficult child's to know I can't. Worse still THEY don't sleep because they're wound up and you the consequences of dealing with sleep deprivation (yours and his) the next day. Let's run through your example. I am not going to say this is how we would have managed this scenario although it is what we aim at. I miss regularly, blame the Army and its disciplinarian ways, Marg helps me stay on point. [B]Me: difficult child its bed time difficult child: No it isnt Me: Yes it is, its past bed time difficult child: (getting louder), no it isnt, youre lying to me, I dont see a clock anywhere! Me: (now angry because he called me a liar), I am NOT lying! It is bed time, stop messing around and hit it![/B] At this point you should be keeping an even voice and answer with something like [I]Please don't shout at me, I'm not shouting at you. There's the time[/I] (pointing at some time piece, even if you have to go and get it). [I]It is bedtime.[/I] [B]difficult child: You dont tell me what to do!! Me: The hell I dont, Im the mom here, youre in my house, do what I told you and GET TO BED![/B] This just what we have been saying is NOT the way to go. It is the kind of rigid discipline which is actually counter productive with these kids. Yes, you've been called liar, he is bucking you big time and he is shouting all of which kick the adrenaline through the roof just when you need him calm enough to go to sleep. Have you (or anyone else) for that matter) considered what life would be like if everyone was truly equal? It is hard for you to take this abuse but these kids impose the ULTIMATE democracy. To their way of thinking EVERYONE is equal. If they are treated a certain way then they will treat that person the EXACT SAME WAY! Calm reasoned handling is more likely to be responded to with calm reasoned behaviour, shouting and raging also is responded to with shouting and raging. This is not theory. It is my life. Marg 'handles' difficult child 3 this way close on 100% of the time and she can get a lot more out of him than I can. I am far more mercurial and don't have as much practice as she does. At best I manage 55-60% and I am F-A-R more likely to come into conflict with him. Worse still, my object (to get him do whatever it is I wanted him to do) is either not done or done so poorly that it may as well not have been tried at all. I truly understand how hard this approach is. It seems that you are letting him run amok. Run through the scenarios you give in your head but this time mentally substitute another adult you are trying to control. How far would you have got? In his calmer moments you explain that you will tolerat things from him that no one else will. Like it or not; this is the approach that is most likely to work. Your ultimate aim is send a functioning person out into the big wide world where people will not tolerate his behaviour. Behave this way in the wrong places and he will end up in gaol or even worse. [/QUOTE]
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