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Help with autistic teen behavior!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 336348" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You walk away. Any point you're trying to make, absolutely will not get through his head while he is like this. After all, would it get through to you while you're angry? No, you walk away and later on when he is calmer, you can try to bring up the topic and calmly say, "let's talk about what happened." But this may trigger a return of the rage. You may just have to let that one slide, and try to handle it better next time. There WILL be a next time! And if there isn't, then maybe you got your point across better than you thought.</p><p></p><p>What you need to do is plan ahead. Set up with him, some strategies. Let him know you're trying to find a better way to work with him and you want his input. After all, he is old enough now to have a say. From here you are going to try to work as a team. This is not how other parents do it, but how other parents do it may not be right for him.</p><p>Explosive Child outlines how to set it up ahead of time and also how to work through a confrontation. Much of the time you need to avoid confrontations. You take note of what sets him off (also what sets you off!) and do your utmost to never engage in a battle you know you won't win. Actually, the battle analogy is no longer a good one; this is not a war of you against him. Or it shouldn't be. This from here must be you and him as a team. Or you and him and husband as a team. He has to change his attitude to you as obstacle, and see you as facilitator. And you can't make him change his attitude; you have to change your response to him so he begins to only see you in light of facilitator. The obstacle has to be gone.</p><p></p><p>The trouble is, we are raised ourselves, to see the parent as the figurehead and person to pay attention to. it's the inequality thing again. These kids just aren't wired tat way. I think because it is just too socially complex. Equality, which society champions and actively teaches, is not the reality when we are children. However, it is much more the reality when we are adults. This is also why our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids do better as they reach adulthood - the way they respond is far more appropriate if it was coming from an adult.</p><p></p><p>If the conflict is over his bedtime (when really, you can't walk away because then he gets to stay up later and you don't want those consequences) then first of all, you try to avoid going too far down that road in the first place. </p><p>"Son, it's bedtime."</p><p>"No, it isn't!"</p><p>STOP! At this point, you are about to fall into the very childish "tis/tisn't" routine which is mutually unwinnable.</p><p>So instead, derail the argument. Turn it back towards him.</p><p>"OK, son, when do you think your bedtime is?"</p><p>"I don't have to go to bed until 9 pm!"</p><p>"So, son, what time is it now?"</p><p>"Its - it's - OK, it's ten past nine. But it doesn't feel like it! It's not fair, where did the time go?"</p><p>"I know, son, it happens to me too. Time does seem to fly sometimes. But you can see that it is a bit past your bedtime. So what are your intentions?"</p><p></p><p>Never forget to use - he is a rule follower already, even if you find it hard to believe. He will feel uncomfortable if he tries to buck the rules in his head.</p><p></p><p>It takes time and the first time you do this, he will look suspiciously at you. As difficult child 3 has said to me, "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?"</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, difficult child 3 just wandered in (wanting to register his new iPod shuffle we gave him for his 16th birthday today). I told him I was posting about a boy who was a lot like him, but whose mother was still trying to be the sort of parent she had been taught to be. His instant reaction was, "She needs to understand that a parent can't abuse their position and try to be the person in power, it's just wrong to do that."</p><p>I answered, "Son, that is how we are all taught to be parents. It is how I was raised, it is how your father was raised. Think about when Grandma is talking to dad - she still treats him that way and tells him what to do. That is normal. The way I do things is not the way most people do things."</p><p></p><p>He still doesn't get it - he feels entitled to be parented the way we do it (now) because it works for him. Not because he gets his own way (although some people might think he does - trust me, I get a lot of what I want from him, although I don't push where I know I have little chance of success, yet). But because he does not feel out of control. He knows he has a say and can discuss things. Sometimes it seems like arguing, but he has to learn how to argue the right way anyway.</p><p></p><p>Some time ago we realised, he was never going to have to learn to get along in a room full of children, as a child himself. We have removed him from that situation permanently. We all graduate out of this situation, so if it becomes too difficult for him to learn it, then don't sweat it. Follow through on the equality and teach him how to interact as an adult should, even if he is not yet an adult. He will need THAT technique for far longer in his life.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child 3 still doesn't understand the way it should happen in other families. He only understands how it happens in ours. And he only understands that, as far as he can. He's still a long way from cooked.</p><p></p><p>But he's good at pretending to be normal.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 336348, member: 1991"] You walk away. Any point you're trying to make, absolutely will not get through his head while he is like this. After all, would it get through to you while you're angry? No, you walk away and later on when he is calmer, you can try to bring up the topic and calmly say, "let's talk about what happened." But this may trigger a return of the rage. You may just have to let that one slide, and try to handle it better next time. There WILL be a next time! And if there isn't, then maybe you got your point across better than you thought. What you need to do is plan ahead. Set up with him, some strategies. Let him know you're trying to find a better way to work with him and you want his input. After all, he is old enough now to have a say. From here you are going to try to work as a team. This is not how other parents do it, but how other parents do it may not be right for him. Explosive Child outlines how to set it up ahead of time and also how to work through a confrontation. Much of the time you need to avoid confrontations. You take note of what sets him off (also what sets you off!) and do your utmost to never engage in a battle you know you won't win. Actually, the battle analogy is no longer a good one; this is not a war of you against him. Or it shouldn't be. This from here must be you and him as a team. Or you and him and husband as a team. He has to change his attitude to you as obstacle, and see you as facilitator. And you can't make him change his attitude; you have to change your response to him so he begins to only see you in light of facilitator. The obstacle has to be gone. The trouble is, we are raised ourselves, to see the parent as the figurehead and person to pay attention to. it's the inequality thing again. These kids just aren't wired tat way. I think because it is just too socially complex. Equality, which society champions and actively teaches, is not the reality when we are children. However, it is much more the reality when we are adults. This is also why our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids do better as they reach adulthood - the way they respond is far more appropriate if it was coming from an adult. If the conflict is over his bedtime (when really, you can't walk away because then he gets to stay up later and you don't want those consequences) then first of all, you try to avoid going too far down that road in the first place. "Son, it's bedtime." "No, it isn't!" STOP! At this point, you are about to fall into the very childish "tis/tisn't" routine which is mutually unwinnable. So instead, derail the argument. Turn it back towards him. "OK, son, when do you think your bedtime is?" "I don't have to go to bed until 9 pm!" "So, son, what time is it now?" "Its - it's - OK, it's ten past nine. But it doesn't feel like it! It's not fair, where did the time go?" "I know, son, it happens to me too. Time does seem to fly sometimes. But you can see that it is a bit past your bedtime. So what are your intentions?" Never forget to use - he is a rule follower already, even if you find it hard to believe. He will feel uncomfortable if he tries to buck the rules in his head. It takes time and the first time you do this, he will look suspiciously at you. As difficult child 3 has said to me, "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?" Interestingly, difficult child 3 just wandered in (wanting to register his new iPod shuffle we gave him for his 16th birthday today). I told him I was posting about a boy who was a lot like him, but whose mother was still trying to be the sort of parent she had been taught to be. His instant reaction was, "She needs to understand that a parent can't abuse their position and try to be the person in power, it's just wrong to do that." I answered, "Son, that is how we are all taught to be parents. It is how I was raised, it is how your father was raised. Think about when Grandma is talking to dad - she still treats him that way and tells him what to do. That is normal. The way I do things is not the way most people do things." He still doesn't get it - he feels entitled to be parented the way we do it (now) because it works for him. Not because he gets his own way (although some people might think he does - trust me, I get a lot of what I want from him, although I don't push where I know I have little chance of success, yet). But because he does not feel out of control. He knows he has a say and can discuss things. Sometimes it seems like arguing, but he has to learn how to argue the right way anyway. Some time ago we realised, he was never going to have to learn to get along in a room full of children, as a child himself. We have removed him from that situation permanently. We all graduate out of this situation, so if it becomes too difficult for him to learn it, then don't sweat it. Follow through on the equality and teach him how to interact as an adult should, even if he is not yet an adult. He will need THAT technique for far longer in his life. My difficult child 3 still doesn't understand the way it should happen in other families. He only understands how it happens in ours. And he only understands that, as far as he can. He's still a long way from cooked. But he's good at pretending to be normal. Marg [/QUOTE]
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