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Help with mentally ill son
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 667848" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Good evening. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have gone through something similar. My eldest son was highly gifted and never caused an issue. When he was 24 he lived at home still. He had lived with friends when he was 21, but after a few months, he had moved back home. They had said that he was acting strangely because he was always in his room.</p><p></p><p>At 24, he started to work less, see his friends less, and stayed in his room a lot more. He started to look less well kept and seemed more quiet. I tried to get him into counseling.</p><p></p><p>I had just 1 of my two sisters schizophrenic at the time. The other sister had late onset schizophrenia at a later date. I am a special education teacher. I was hoping that he was not presenting with schizophrenic symptoms.</p><p></p><p>At 25, he stopped going to school and working. I went into his room, which he kept very, very private, due to flooding. He came home and took one look at me and ran off. He left the state and lived up north in Washington in his car for a year. He never called but I looked at his bank statement. He told me later that a man was following him. I placed a missing persons report. I flew up there twice to try to find him. He never did anything wrong, but he was stopped twice and was told to call home. He never did.</p><p></p><p>He came home exactly one year later. We then paid for an apartment for him under the conditions that he go to college and work. He never did either. He let his new cell phone I purchased for him die and never let us into the gated entrance...even for holidays. He saw no friends. After 5 months, he moved back home.</p><p></p><p>NINE years passed with him at home not working, going to school, or seeing his friends. He refused any type of treatment or therapy. He wouldn't even go to a doctor for a physical. He would not take a fun, non-academic class, have a hobby, or do volunteer work.</p><p></p><p>I have been asked, now, by counselors why I let him move back home. I have been asked what type of requirements I had told him were needed to live at home.</p><p></p><p>He continued to get worse. He spent more time in his room. He lost weight. He became very, very violent. My other 2 younger sons started to sleep with knives for their own protection. You mentioned younger siblings. My other sons feared for my safety. They gave me mace and put a lock on my door.</p><p></p><p>He destroyed thousands of dollars of furnishings, floors, walls, ceilings, etc. He took away a 'normal' life for my other two sons. One son chose to not go away to college. The other turned down a very lucrative job in his field. I did not know. They felt like they had to protect me.</p><p></p><p>There are no good answers here...you have to find the one this is the best for all concerned. I grew up with a schizophrenic sister threatening my life starting at age 11. My childhood ended. I lived in fear.</p><p></p><p>Yes, schizophrenia is more serious than being bipolar. But, they both can cause major issues with the family.</p><p></p><p>I was forced 2 months ago to get a restraining order against my son. He was talking to his voices about killing me. Three weeks before that he had threatened me with a jagged bottle if I called the police.</p><p></p><p>Do I think my son is okay out there on his own? No. My heart is breaking. But I had to keep my youngest son safe and my ill son safe from his possible actions, prison, or knowing he had hurt us in the throes of his delusions.</p><p></p><p>Your son needs help. He has not followed through on his promises before. If he has misbehaved in assisted living situations, what makes you think that he won't at home? I know that you love your son. You would not be trying to find a solution for him if you didn't. </p><p></p><p>You need to ask yourself what is best for everyone, not just him. My sons don't say much, but they hold a resentment because the squeaky wheel, my ill son, got all of my attention. We had no one over to the house for the last 6 years.</p><p></p><p>Speak to a counselor with your husband to evaluate options. Now...sadly I wish that I had been stricter and had set rules to be met 9 years ago. Maybe he would be better today. Maybe, he should have never come back home to live after his time in the paid apartment. I have been told by numerous therapists that I did not help him by letting him live at home. I allowed him to stay in his room. Love is not always helpful.</p><p></p><p>It is difficult for me to write these things. Yes, I miss my son. Yes, I worry every day. Yes, I had gone through it once before. </p><p></p><p>I found out that he is going to the shelter. I received a bill in the mail for lab work at the medical facility. Yes, the shelter could be just for showers and the labs for a TB clearance to go to the shelter, but I have to have hope.</p><p></p><p>Please, consider all angles of the situation. I now go to NAMI support groups. Parents of bipolar, schizoaffective, schizophrenic children, as well as other diagnosis, ask about kicking their mentally ill children out of the house. I tell them I tried to help him for 9 long years. To do it again...I would do it differently.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 667848, member: 19245"] Good evening. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have gone through something similar. My eldest son was highly gifted and never caused an issue. When he was 24 he lived at home still. He had lived with friends when he was 21, but after a few months, he had moved back home. They had said that he was acting strangely because he was always in his room. At 24, he started to work less, see his friends less, and stayed in his room a lot more. He started to look less well kept and seemed more quiet. I tried to get him into counseling. I had just 1 of my two sisters schizophrenic at the time. The other sister had late onset schizophrenia at a later date. I am a special education teacher. I was hoping that he was not presenting with schizophrenic symptoms. At 25, he stopped going to school and working. I went into his room, which he kept very, very private, due to flooding. He came home and took one look at me and ran off. He left the state and lived up north in Washington in his car for a year. He never called but I looked at his bank statement. He told me later that a man was following him. I placed a missing persons report. I flew up there twice to try to find him. He never did anything wrong, but he was stopped twice and was told to call home. He never did. He came home exactly one year later. We then paid for an apartment for him under the conditions that he go to college and work. He never did either. He let his new cell phone I purchased for him die and never let us into the gated entrance...even for holidays. He saw no friends. After 5 months, he moved back home. NINE years passed with him at home not working, going to school, or seeing his friends. He refused any type of treatment or therapy. He wouldn't even go to a doctor for a physical. He would not take a fun, non-academic class, have a hobby, or do volunteer work. I have been asked, now, by counselors why I let him move back home. I have been asked what type of requirements I had told him were needed to live at home. He continued to get worse. He spent more time in his room. He lost weight. He became very, very violent. My other 2 younger sons started to sleep with knives for their own protection. You mentioned younger siblings. My other sons feared for my safety. They gave me mace and put a lock on my door. He destroyed thousands of dollars of furnishings, floors, walls, ceilings, etc. He took away a 'normal' life for my other two sons. One son chose to not go away to college. The other turned down a very lucrative job in his field. I did not know. They felt like they had to protect me. There are no good answers here...you have to find the one this is the best for all concerned. I grew up with a schizophrenic sister threatening my life starting at age 11. My childhood ended. I lived in fear. Yes, schizophrenia is more serious than being bipolar. But, they both can cause major issues with the family. I was forced 2 months ago to get a restraining order against my son. He was talking to his voices about killing me. Three weeks before that he had threatened me with a jagged bottle if I called the police. Do I think my son is okay out there on his own? No. My heart is breaking. But I had to keep my youngest son safe and my ill son safe from his possible actions, prison, or knowing he had hurt us in the throes of his delusions. Your son needs help. He has not followed through on his promises before. If he has misbehaved in assisted living situations, what makes you think that he won't at home? I know that you love your son. You would not be trying to find a solution for him if you didn't. You need to ask yourself what is best for everyone, not just him. My sons don't say much, but they hold a resentment because the squeaky wheel, my ill son, got all of my attention. We had no one over to the house for the last 6 years. Speak to a counselor with your husband to evaluate options. Now...sadly I wish that I had been stricter and had set rules to be met 9 years ago. Maybe he would be better today. Maybe, he should have never come back home to live after his time in the paid apartment. I have been told by numerous therapists that I did not help him by letting him live at home. I allowed him to stay in his room. Love is not always helpful. It is difficult for me to write these things. Yes, I miss my son. Yes, I worry every day. Yes, I had gone through it once before. I found out that he is going to the shelter. I received a bill in the mail for lab work at the medical facility. Yes, the shelter could be just for showers and the labs for a TB clearance to go to the shelter, but I have to have hope. Please, consider all angles of the situation. I now go to NAMI support groups. Parents of bipolar, schizoaffective, schizophrenic children, as well as other diagnosis, ask about kicking their mentally ill children out of the house. I tell them I tried to help him for 9 long years. To do it again...I would do it differently. [/QUOTE]
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