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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 385093" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think this is a really valuable thread because it deals with the crux of the problem in a lot of cases. When I responded before, it was very late for me and I was tired, so I forgot to mention a few things I feel are really important.</p><p></p><p>First - the "reflection" method to "show empathy". Do not be surprised if this triggers your child to REALLY explode. I'm not difficult child, and I tend to explode if people try this one with me. Because especially with a bright child, even one that is not socially adept, it sounds too much like you're mimicking or mocking the person, purely by repeating what they have said. I was trained as a telephone counsellor and this was one technique I did try to put into practice (as I was told to do) but against my better judgement. I found what worked better for me (and the people I was counselling were generally not difficult children either, but people who were feeling anxious or afraid due to health problems) was to keep the pure "reflection" to a minimum, and instead modify it. I would say, "So you feel upset because your friend wanted to leave. I'm sorry you felt upset. But I would have been upset if your friend was unhappy too. Why do you think he might have been unhappy?"</p><p>It depends on the ability of your child, but too much reflection keeps them 'stuck' in the "I'm really angry with my friend" mode, and this can be too much focus on the negative emotion, with no hint of which direction to move in his thoughts. Helping him focus first on the real cause of his anger, and move quickly on to helping him find his friend's point of view. "He's not really a jerk or you wouldn't want him as a friend. If you really didn't care about him, you wouldn't be upset now. So you do like him as a friend. You're just upset because he wanted to go home. I can understand that, I would be unhappy too. But he does have to go home sometimes and there can be many reasons why he wanted to go home. If that had been you at your friend's home, what would be some of your reasons for wanting to go home?"</p><p>A cardinal sin in phone counselling is to say, "I know how you feel," but I do feel you can get away with this a lot more with your own kids, and it cuts through a lot of the repetition crud I absolutely LOATHE about professional counselling and "reflection" (from the recipient viewpoint).</p><p>I was a darn good counsellor (based on my feedback). But I learned I was a better counsellor when I broke the rules.</p><p></p><p>The second point I wanted to make: you could try - a new house rule. My parents instilled in me that guests in your house must be given priority, it's courtesy. If you go into Greek mythology (and undoubtedly the mythology of other cultures) you will find references to the inviolability of a guest in your home. Guests have some responsibilities too. When Paris was visiting Menelaus (as an envoy from Paris's father King Priam in Troy) he began an affair with Helen (wife of Menelaus and the most beautiful woman in the world according to mythology). This was a violation of his position as a guest; but because he was a guest, Menelaus was not allowed to harm him (if he had known). But once Paris left the house and ran off with Helen, then he was fair game and the Greeks declared war on Troy. (of course, it had NOTHING to do with valuable trade routes for bronze working! yeah, right...)</p><p>The thing is, when someone is a guest in your home, you look after their needs. You show courtesy. There are social rules that a difficult child needs to role-play A LOT in order to learn the right way to behave. Of course, it won't always work that way when difficult child visits someone else. But that's OK, you just say that the other kid is still learning this one and maybe has not progressed as far as difficult child.</p><p>So role-play this - you be the guest, let difficult child be the host (after you've walked him through it, of course!). The guest knocks on the door. "Hi, good to see you! Come in, sit down, can I get you anything? I have [list what there is to eat and drink - snacks, soft drink or simply a glass of water - whatever Mum has previously said is OK, offer it and indicate that the guest can have it freely available]. What would you like to do? We could [list what activities you can do; or if plans have previously been made, go right to the activity]." Show the guest around the home so he knows where anything is - the bathroom, the living room, the back yard.</p><p>The host keeps a quiet monitor on the guest and responds to his needs. When the guest indicates a need to use the bathroom, the host shows him where it is (if he has not been there before). When the guest indicates he has had enough of anything, the host complies. Because it should be the other way around, when HE is a guest (except not everyone has learned the same manners to the same degree, as I said before). The aim of the exercise, the whole aim of good hosting, is to ensure your friend enjoys his visit so much that he will happily come back again.</p><p>This doesn't mean you let your guest trash your house. There are still house rules. As you show your friend around your home, it's perfectly OK to say, "That is my dad's study, we're not allowed to go in there because if I move ANY of his papers he will know about it and will blow a gasket. And we have to stay out of the living room today because Mum has just cleaned it for her book club meeting tonight. But it's OK, I've got the Wii set up in the rumpus room plus the jogging trampoline is in the corner."</p><p>When I was a kid and a friend of mine trashed my room, I was the one who had to clean it up. I was responsible for the behaviour of my guest. That meant I had to learn how to say, "I think you need to go home now," if things were getting out of hand. Or even to go to my mother and say, "Mum, I can't stop my friend from upending the entire toy cupboard onto the floor and knocking over my bookshelves." Sometimes you need to call on reinforcements to evict. And a friend who behaves like that, you don't particularly want back as a visitor.</p><p></p><p>Your child needs to learn how to make his friend's visit an enjoyable one, so your home and a visit with difficult child becomes something a friend can look forward to.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 doesn't have a lot of friends, most of the time he goes to visit them because they are so much younger than he is, they are not allowed the same degree of free movement around the neighbourhood. But his 'key' in for friendships (either them visiting us or him taking his stuff to visit them) is a combination of his extensive supply of games, plus his amazing gaming capability. </p><p></p><p>About the amazing gaming ability - some kids can be really nasty to a difficult child. I used to drive kids from the local school to other school tournaments (chess). I had a mix of kids, some of them variously difficult child-ish. Some of them very much not. A surprising number of them were jocks in the making. One I recall came from a family where any infirmity was feared and loathed. They were fitness fanatics not as a healthy way of life, but more to ward off any imperfections. As a result, this kid socially was really nasty to anyone who was not 'perfect' physically or mentally. He saw difficult child 3 as a "retard" (an insult often hurled at difficult child 3, inaccurately). In the car, this kid was playing a hand-held game of some complexity. difficult child 3 and the other kids were looking on, but this kid was at the same time being really mean to difficult child 3, calling him names and generally making such nasty remarks about "the dummy" that I would have loved to have put him out of the car; I was quietly deciding to never invite this kid to compete again (I had veto rights). Then this kid was clearly having problems getting to the next level in his game. All the kids had a turn. One of difficult child 3's friends said, "Let difficult child 3 have a go."</p><p>The game owner said, "No, he'll only wreck it. He's a retard, he wouldn't be able to do it." </p><p>But he was finally persuaded and handed the game over, clearly against his better judgement. And immediately difficult child 3 said, "I can see your problem. You have to collect all the items first, then you have to go along this path, go through this loop, use the controls this way to make it do this, then you're through."</p><p>The kid said, "So you've got this game yourself? Have you played this one a lot?"</p><p>difficult child 3 replied, "No, I've not seen this one. But it's self-evident. It's really quite easy if you pay attention to it. Don't worry, if you keep practising you'll get good at it one day."</p><p>Then he handed the game back and went back to looking out of the window. I quietly cheered.</p><p></p><p>Some difficult child-ness can be useful currency with other kids. Once word got out that difficult child 3 was good at computers and computer games, plus had access to a wide range of games, a lot of his foibles got overlooked by other kids. And as other kids get to know him better, they learn what to not take offence at, and what to value. </p><p></p><p>You can't turn a difficult child into a easy child overnight. Or even in a year. But it's a process, as Allen said (about Basket B). We work towards it in the hope of one day getting close to the goal. And like any lessons, sometimes it needs a lot of quiet, calm repetition (in terms of going over the actions, like learning how to perform any physical tasks). It takes gentle handling, but also calm, firm handling. Communication. Staying silent until you explode (as you said your husband does) is absolutely the wrong way to go. As soon as you begin to feel frustrated with difficult child, you need to communicate this and at the same time, help difficult child find a better way of doing things. In doing this, you will be modelling to difficult child, how to better express his feelings about frustration, before HE explodes. And when he does begin to communicate his frustration, you have to allow this and again, guide him to a healthier self-expression.</p><p></p><p>Every success, even a tiny one, brings further success.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 385093, member: 1991"] I think this is a really valuable thread because it deals with the crux of the problem in a lot of cases. When I responded before, it was very late for me and I was tired, so I forgot to mention a few things I feel are really important. First - the "reflection" method to "show empathy". Do not be surprised if this triggers your child to REALLY explode. I'm not difficult child, and I tend to explode if people try this one with me. Because especially with a bright child, even one that is not socially adept, it sounds too much like you're mimicking or mocking the person, purely by repeating what they have said. I was trained as a telephone counsellor and this was one technique I did try to put into practice (as I was told to do) but against my better judgement. I found what worked better for me (and the people I was counselling were generally not difficult children either, but people who were feeling anxious or afraid due to health problems) was to keep the pure "reflection" to a minimum, and instead modify it. I would say, "So you feel upset because your friend wanted to leave. I'm sorry you felt upset. But I would have been upset if your friend was unhappy too. Why do you think he might have been unhappy?" It depends on the ability of your child, but too much reflection keeps them 'stuck' in the "I'm really angry with my friend" mode, and this can be too much focus on the negative emotion, with no hint of which direction to move in his thoughts. Helping him focus first on the real cause of his anger, and move quickly on to helping him find his friend's point of view. "He's not really a jerk or you wouldn't want him as a friend. If you really didn't care about him, you wouldn't be upset now. So you do like him as a friend. You're just upset because he wanted to go home. I can understand that, I would be unhappy too. But he does have to go home sometimes and there can be many reasons why he wanted to go home. If that had been you at your friend's home, what would be some of your reasons for wanting to go home?" A cardinal sin in phone counselling is to say, "I know how you feel," but I do feel you can get away with this a lot more with your own kids, and it cuts through a lot of the repetition crud I absolutely LOATHE about professional counselling and "reflection" (from the recipient viewpoint). I was a darn good counsellor (based on my feedback). But I learned I was a better counsellor when I broke the rules. The second point I wanted to make: you could try - a new house rule. My parents instilled in me that guests in your house must be given priority, it's courtesy. If you go into Greek mythology (and undoubtedly the mythology of other cultures) you will find references to the inviolability of a guest in your home. Guests have some responsibilities too. When Paris was visiting Menelaus (as an envoy from Paris's father King Priam in Troy) he began an affair with Helen (wife of Menelaus and the most beautiful woman in the world according to mythology). This was a violation of his position as a guest; but because he was a guest, Menelaus was not allowed to harm him (if he had known). But once Paris left the house and ran off with Helen, then he was fair game and the Greeks declared war on Troy. (of course, it had NOTHING to do with valuable trade routes for bronze working! yeah, right...) The thing is, when someone is a guest in your home, you look after their needs. You show courtesy. There are social rules that a difficult child needs to role-play A LOT in order to learn the right way to behave. Of course, it won't always work that way when difficult child visits someone else. But that's OK, you just say that the other kid is still learning this one and maybe has not progressed as far as difficult child. So role-play this - you be the guest, let difficult child be the host (after you've walked him through it, of course!). The guest knocks on the door. "Hi, good to see you! Come in, sit down, can I get you anything? I have [list what there is to eat and drink - snacks, soft drink or simply a glass of water - whatever Mum has previously said is OK, offer it and indicate that the guest can have it freely available]. What would you like to do? We could [list what activities you can do; or if plans have previously been made, go right to the activity]." Show the guest around the home so he knows where anything is - the bathroom, the living room, the back yard. The host keeps a quiet monitor on the guest and responds to his needs. When the guest indicates a need to use the bathroom, the host shows him where it is (if he has not been there before). When the guest indicates he has had enough of anything, the host complies. Because it should be the other way around, when HE is a guest (except not everyone has learned the same manners to the same degree, as I said before). The aim of the exercise, the whole aim of good hosting, is to ensure your friend enjoys his visit so much that he will happily come back again. This doesn't mean you let your guest trash your house. There are still house rules. As you show your friend around your home, it's perfectly OK to say, "That is my dad's study, we're not allowed to go in there because if I move ANY of his papers he will know about it and will blow a gasket. And we have to stay out of the living room today because Mum has just cleaned it for her book club meeting tonight. But it's OK, I've got the Wii set up in the rumpus room plus the jogging trampoline is in the corner." When I was a kid and a friend of mine trashed my room, I was the one who had to clean it up. I was responsible for the behaviour of my guest. That meant I had to learn how to say, "I think you need to go home now," if things were getting out of hand. Or even to go to my mother and say, "Mum, I can't stop my friend from upending the entire toy cupboard onto the floor and knocking over my bookshelves." Sometimes you need to call on reinforcements to evict. And a friend who behaves like that, you don't particularly want back as a visitor. Your child needs to learn how to make his friend's visit an enjoyable one, so your home and a visit with difficult child becomes something a friend can look forward to. difficult child 3 doesn't have a lot of friends, most of the time he goes to visit them because they are so much younger than he is, they are not allowed the same degree of free movement around the neighbourhood. But his 'key' in for friendships (either them visiting us or him taking his stuff to visit them) is a combination of his extensive supply of games, plus his amazing gaming capability. About the amazing gaming ability - some kids can be really nasty to a difficult child. I used to drive kids from the local school to other school tournaments (chess). I had a mix of kids, some of them variously difficult child-ish. Some of them very much not. A surprising number of them were jocks in the making. One I recall came from a family where any infirmity was feared and loathed. They were fitness fanatics not as a healthy way of life, but more to ward off any imperfections. As a result, this kid socially was really nasty to anyone who was not 'perfect' physically or mentally. He saw difficult child 3 as a "retard" (an insult often hurled at difficult child 3, inaccurately). In the car, this kid was playing a hand-held game of some complexity. difficult child 3 and the other kids were looking on, but this kid was at the same time being really mean to difficult child 3, calling him names and generally making such nasty remarks about "the dummy" that I would have loved to have put him out of the car; I was quietly deciding to never invite this kid to compete again (I had veto rights). Then this kid was clearly having problems getting to the next level in his game. All the kids had a turn. One of difficult child 3's friends said, "Let difficult child 3 have a go." The game owner said, "No, he'll only wreck it. He's a retard, he wouldn't be able to do it." But he was finally persuaded and handed the game over, clearly against his better judgement. And immediately difficult child 3 said, "I can see your problem. You have to collect all the items first, then you have to go along this path, go through this loop, use the controls this way to make it do this, then you're through." The kid said, "So you've got this game yourself? Have you played this one a lot?" difficult child 3 replied, "No, I've not seen this one. But it's self-evident. It's really quite easy if you pay attention to it. Don't worry, if you keep practising you'll get good at it one day." Then he handed the game back and went back to looking out of the window. I quietly cheered. Some difficult child-ness can be useful currency with other kids. Once word got out that difficult child 3 was good at computers and computer games, plus had access to a wide range of games, a lot of his foibles got overlooked by other kids. And as other kids get to know him better, they learn what to not take offence at, and what to value. You can't turn a difficult child into a easy child overnight. Or even in a year. But it's a process, as Allen said (about Basket B). We work towards it in the hope of one day getting close to the goal. And like any lessons, sometimes it needs a lot of quiet, calm repetition (in terms of going over the actions, like learning how to perform any physical tasks). It takes gentle handling, but also calm, firm handling. Communication. Staying silent until you explode (as you said your husband does) is absolutely the wrong way to go. As soon as you begin to feel frustrated with difficult child, you need to communicate this and at the same time, help difficult child find a better way of doing things. In doing this, you will be modelling to difficult child, how to better express his feelings about frustration, before HE explodes. And when he does begin to communicate his frustration, you have to allow this and again, guide him to a healthier self-expression. Every success, even a tiny one, brings further success. Marg [/QUOTE]
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