Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Mar 20, 2008.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    As many of you know, my father passed away recently. He and my mother were vacationing when it happened and, though there will be no funeral, there will be a memorial service near where they were staying. My mother will settle things with the house up North, and there will be another memorial service this summer with and for family and friends there.

    difficult child feels way bad that we are not somehow managing to get him to the first memorial service.

    I am certain he will feel the same about the second service ~but for that one, there is time. For that one, I hope to tell difficult child that he has until June to get himself in order and if he has done that, we will help.

    Which we have always told him ~ but the truth is, if difficult child were doing the things every able bodied male does without having to have his parents prod him to do it, difficult child would not require our help.

    By help, I mean $, license, and vehicle.

    So that's the first question.

    How in the world can I look at myself in the mirror if, knowing difficult child cannot pay his own way, I don't pay difficult child's travel and lodging expenses so that he can attend his grandfather's memorial?

    I know I am going to feel the same way (or worse) when it is time for the second memorial.

    It isn't even a question of renting a car and paying for his hotel room, because difficult child refuses to pay the fine to have his license reinstated and so, could not drive a rental car there even is we did pay for one.

    Everything about this is so ugly.

  2. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    This is my opinion and I may NOT be in the majority with it. I agree with you in how you are going to feel and I also feel that this is one of those "exception to the rules" cases. If difficult child was really close to grandfather then he needs to attend. This is something that you can't redo later ( as in he can attend at another time in life). You only get one chance to say your good byes. I've known several people that did not get the chance to say their good byes and of them several that were difficult child's (one in particular that happen to be in a foster home and no one would help them get there - they were 18). It had an effect
    on them and others.

    I would bite the bullet and allow him, help him to go but keep it very minimal as to what you help with. Also, if in any way, any way at possible you could get his assistance to do something (anything) towards repayment in the form of working it off (as in loading the car, cleaning out the car, etc... because I know he is not doing what he should do to begin with) then pile on the burden of responsibilities of that travel/time period to do it.

    Just my $.02 for what it's worth.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Thank you for your quick reply, tiapet.


    Maybe you are right.

    The memorial is Saturday, so we can still get him there.


    TYLERFAN New Member

    Hi Barbara:

    I took my difficult child to my fathers' funeral last week. If she needed assistance financial or otherwise to get there, I would have made the exception. It was important for her to go, she needed the closure.
    I hope you do what is comfortable for you, there is no manual on what to do when a parent dies........
    I am praying for your family.

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Is he in an area where he can he take Greyhound or the train, or is there anyone else in the area that can stop and pick him up or drive him? Under the circumstances, I would do that for M or L if they really felt it was important to attend, and I thought that they could come without making it a scene about what an awful person I am.

    So sorry for your loss, it must be such a shock for everyone. People are always at the end of their emotional rope at such times, and I don't know that there is ever a "right thing to do".
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Honestly I think you have ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH to worry about without thinking about this - for a grown boy.

    I think in this instance - you have to do what makes YOU feel good and not worry about difficult child's immaturity. Would be nice to know if you didn't make the exception it would slap him into being self sufficient but maybe it will be a chance for a future conversation at a better time??

    BIG hugs
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If it is not a financial hardship for you, I would suggest that you take the high road and separate this mourning process from the rest of daily living. Truly it is possible that the service "could" have a positive impact on difficult child. Certainly it would send a message that life does not last forever and that each of us must choose our path. Hugs. DDD
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yeah, I'm on board with the others.

    If you have the means to pay his way, make the exception and do it. That you would not regret, ever.

    The other, you might.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I also think that if you can help him without creating financial hardship for you and husband, then it would be a good thing. Not sure it will make an impact as to how he lives his life. I am with the others on this.

    Hugs, I am sorry your father died.

  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Part of me says he is a man -- let him find a way to deal with it. However, the bigger part of me says I have to live with the guilt of his not saying good-bye because I could have made it possible. That being the case, I'd rather not have the guilt and do what I feel is right for me, for him, for the family in general. This is definitely one of those, I think, that you have to do what you feel is right for you rather than what is right for anyone else.
  11. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Thank you so much, everyone.

    difficult child will be attending the second memorial (the one in Wisconsin) at our expense, this summer. Once I was able to get beyond my own ~ I don't know ~ resentment, maybe? Anyway, once I was able to get past that (and due in large part to all of your input ~ thanks, guys), I felt absolutely that this was the correct action to take.

    As things stand now, without license or ID, difficult child could not have flown to the first memorial service, anyway.

    Nor could he have rented a car.

    difficult child says the license reinstatement will have been taken care of by this Summer ~that he had begun the process prior to his grandfather's death.

    So, maybe things really are looking up, for him....


  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Just a thought, but can't he get a state issued ID? It looks and identifies you just like a license, but it has nothing to do with your driving privileges.

    Along those lines, husband's license finally expired on the 5th and he got to get the new photo taken this year. His license had a big crack in it for the past 3 years or so but he would never do anything about it. We're leaving for Mexico on Monday, and he does have a passport, but I told him that he would have to go get the new license before we left because it would make life easier. He went in, got the photo taken, and they said that they would mail it to him in 2 - 3 weeks. It's an anti-ID theft measure.

    Not sure how they do it in your difficult child's state, but he might want to check it out.
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I hope things are looking up for you and him! Sounds like it. hang in there.
  14. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Thanks, Witz and Stands.

    This license thing has been an issue with difficult child since the last time we paid everything off and he refused to do that last little step of actually getting the license. He chose to drive without it (you know how they get that attitude about how legal things don't apply to them).

    Of course, driving without a license, whether you qualify for one or not, can get you a fine. Not paying the fine can get your license, whether you officially have one or not, revoked.

    And on and on it goes.

    Current fine is due to driving without the license that he might have had, and then, not addressing the legal issues attending that decision.

    We discussed that with difficult child the other night ~that he couldn't have flown without a license or ID, whether we were willing to pay the expense of the trip for him or not.

    We talked too, about the need for these things to be resolved if he hopes to fly home in June.

    Know what he said?

    He doesn't know why we think he would ever want to return to where he is living now, once he is home again.

    What we have decided is just to tell the truth.

    Funny how hard it can be to do that, sometimes.

    We are going to start now telling difficult child that he cannot live with us, that he cannot stay with us longer than one week, and that if he does not have the things he needs to make a go of it once he gets back up North (money, which will indicate that he has been working and taking care of business, and a job ~ which I think he could so easily get, working where he worked before, as he is quite good at what he does, and has remarkably loyal friends), we will take that as evidence that he is still more interested in drugs than family.

    In that case, round trip ticket and nothing more.

    And that we love him too much to watch him destroy himself ~ which is the truest thing we can say to our children if they are living the lifestyle that attends addiction.

    Not so easy to do that, though.

    Except maybe it is.