Help.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Feb 12, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    difficult child just called.
    He wanted the po's number, told me he was leaving for atlanta to live with his uncle (someone I broke ties with long ago drug use and sells)
    He said he would have called me sooner but I threw him out. (pushed mom's buttons!)
    He said he is messed up, he can't get to work he has no where to go.
    I said if you are ready to change you can come home. He said that was what he wanted, that he would even work at my shop anything I wanted he couldn't live like this.
    Then another call came in and he put me on hold. My phone disconnected after 10 mins. I called the # back and he said he wants to come home, he has a pitbull puppy and is going to raise pitbulls. We have already visited this idea before and I said not at my house.
    He said he would call me later he has to go.

    I called my mom to let her know I heard from him, she called him as well and asked him to meet her. She plans on giving him info about half-way houses, she doesn't want him to come back here.
    He told her also that he would call her back.

    I didn't handle that call right. I have read all the responses in the archives but I was taken by surprise and allowed my guilt to take over and let him know he could come home.
    I don't believe in my heart that he is ready to change, I do believe he is burning his bridges and it is becoming more difficult for him to get around.
    I am trying to be strong, please any advice on handling futher phonecalls and request?
    How do I get the image of him living on the streets out of my mind?
    How do you know if it is the right time to intervine? Do I just go along with the half way housing my mom is suggesting?
     
  2. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    HH, hang in there!!! Please don't be too rough on yourself, sure you could've handled the call better, but heck, you're a MOM.

    If your son is truly ready to change (which I believe you're right to suspect he really isn't) then he will go to any lenghts to change. He will be open to the idea of a halfway house. He won't throw phrases like "you threw me out" in your face.

    How do you get the images of him living on the street out of your head? You don't. But play it forward: I bet you can clearly see your son still living at home and treating you badly when he's 35 years old, can't you? Play that image, instead, and stand your ground.

    He needs to first face the consequences of his behavior. Running to atlanta to live with a deadbeat relative is not the way to do this. Running anywhere and trying to hide from the result of his actions is not the way to change his life. He needs to turn and face it. $300. a month is a lot to pay in fines. Well, tough. He needs to find a way to start paying that money.

    He needs to stop being messed up. And you know he's not going to be motivated to do that if you open the door to him. Whatever you do, I will support you. I know it's not easy to turn away from our children! (((Hugs)))

    Peace
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You were caught off guard and your Mommy heart responded. No shame in that.

    Like Pony said, fastforward, is what your heart wants going to help him in the long run? Maybe looking at it that way before you respond to him will help curb the knee jerk action to protect.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  4. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    difficult child's are usually resilient.
    They usually find a way to get by.
    Yours has proven he isn't ready to change. He is still running away from his problems.
    Unfortunately, sometimes we have to let them stand and possibly fall,while waiting for them to get the message.
    :hammer:
    Good Luck to you and try to do something nice for you.

    Blessings,
    Melissa
     
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I am not telling you what to do, you are the only one who knows all the facts......but it sounds like he is not ready to buckle down and make changes to live in your home. :frown:

    I doubt he will go to the halfway house, but I would urge you to give that a try. They will enforce rules and you won't be put in the position of "kicking him out again". :eek:

    We asked our son to leave our home over four years ago and he hasn't lived with us since then. He is presently in a halfway house and taking some college classes which he has arranged for. Don't know if he will succeed, but he is taking steps to improve his life so I am at least hopeful.... :confused:

    Just hoping your son can find his way in life.....

    Sending good thoughts.....
     
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #990000">sweetie, it's hard to break those old patterns, isn't it? don't beat yourself up.

    in my opinion the first thing he has to do, even before the halfway house, is face the charges. he ran because there's a warrant out for him, right? then he has to turn himself in & face the consequences. you can tell him that after he does that you will help him find a halfway house placement. my guess is that he's not ready to man up. he will reject your offers of assistance & quite possibly run. your duty then is to inform the PO of where he's headed. they will probably put out a bench warrant, but i don't think out of state cops will be rushing to enforce it. however, if they trip over him they'll hold him.

    do whatever it is you do to give yourself peace of mind...nature walks, group meetings, time with-friends, reading, music....whatever. sounds like your mom has a pretty realistic/supportive (to you) attitude.

    hand in. oh & if he calls again take three deep breaths & count to ten before you respond. maybe keep that list of responses near the phone for quick reference.

    kris </span>
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I agree with ponygirl, don't focus on the image of him living on the streets, focus on what your house is like when he's there and how it will continue to be if he doesn't start making some changes. You know in your heart that if you tell him to come home, he's not going to miraculously change overnight and go to work at your shop and do everything you are expecting him to do. He may do it for a day or too just to please you, but you know it won't last.
    Give him options of where to go. The halfway houses are a great idea. You aren't leaving him homeless by giving him options, you just aren't allowing him to live in your home.

    When I threw difficult child out it was in the middle of summer, which made my vision of him being homeless a little easier, but we never gave him the option of coming home. He went to rehab and then to a soberhouse. He relapsed, but is now back in a soberhouse because he knows he can't come home and that it's the best place for him.

    You cannot allow your difficult child to continue to come home and do what he is doing to you. He will never change if you do that.
     
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I too was thinking that they never truly live on the streets. they like comfort and will find it someplace. do not picture him under a bridge someplace.

    sounds like he is wrestling with himself. may the best man win out. if he is sincere and will turn himself in, then you can back him up. I did that with ant. he turned himself in and from that day over two yrs ago...he went on a journey with me as support. the day he turns the other way again, he will no longer have my support. I only give a hand up when they are also reaching up, not down.
     
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    PS no beating yourself up over your own remarks or choices, we all do what we can.
     
  10. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    It helped me to find a picture of a group of young soldiers in uniform. I cut it out of the newspaper and posted it next to the phone. Whenever difficult child called, I would look at that picture and remember there were nineteen year olds out there in conditions impossibly worse ~ and through little choice of their own ~ than wherever my son might put himself because of his drug use and poor choices.

    It isn't much hearthope, but it helped me some.

    The other thing I would tell you is to watch out for those times when you criticize yourself because you have not been able to make everything magically better.

    There are no easy answers or sudden solutions to the problems our kids are creating for themselves. We learned to create plans and backup plans and more backup plans.

    And then, we had to learn to forgive ourselves when we did not stick to our own plan for how we were going to change everything.

    What will help the most now I think is for you to do some little something for yourself. It doesn't have to be much of anything at all. Something that will send a message to your innermost self that you matter, too. Anything. A fudgesicle, a scented candle, taking a camera with you next time you go somewhere and snapping a few pictures ~ anything at all that is strictly for you to enjoy.

    (HA! I was just thinking about something I used to do: I would buy a box of fudgesicles, turn the heat up all the way in the car, and eat the whole box of them on the way home! Now THAT is self care!!!

    :rofl:)

    You will be surprised how strong and clear just that one simple gift to yourself will make you feel, and how much strength it brings you.

    Wishing well, hearthope.

    Barbara
     
  11. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    When my difficult child is "out and about" on the streets, I always get "I will call you back" it all came back to me when I read your post. It think that statement is enough to know that he has other things that are more important right now than speaking with you and grandma about coming home.

    I cant really offer much more about the images etc... I am in the same boat. you are one step ahead of me, yours is already out. Direct him to halfway houses is a very good idea.

    Grace
     
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Just re read the posts here and Kris is correct in thinking he needs to turn himself in first. The halfway houses won't even accept him if he has outstanding warrants....at least I don't think so....
     
  13. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all for your responses. I have read and reread them.

    I had to leave early this am to take my horse to a specialist (good news there is not a bone chip!whew!) and my cell service cuts off about an hr away so difficult child has not been able to reach me.
    He did leave a message at my shop and he did call my mom.

    I have talked with husband and he said he would stand by whatever choice I made, but he doesn't want him home.
    I am able to wipe the slate clean, but I realize I have to think of husband and easy child as well.

    In reading the post you all have given me alot to consider and I think if he was ready to change he would be open to any assitance at all wether it be home or a halfway house.

    I haven't called his po yet, really didn't know what to tell her about what I was going to do.
    She had not written the pick-up order as of yesterday (more chances)so there is not any outstanding warrent yet.
    I really am questioning if he called me to get me to pay the 75.00 that he has not come up with so he won't go to jail.
    I hadn't
    heard any thing from him and he knew it was due fri. and he

    knew there would be a pickup order issued if he didn't pay
     
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am questioning myself, wondering if I have done all I could do for him.
    Part of me is saying go find the halfway houses~do not let him turn your home upside again.
    The other part is saying, make a contract, give him one more chance and if he breaks the contract then you will know you did all you can do
     
  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    thing is you may not even have a choice anymore once the PO decides for him what will happen. try to let things unfold naturally. you cant worry about the outcome yet..he still has not come forth for help. halfway houses did not help ant.
     
  16. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    he is coming forth and asking me to let him come back home.
    His po will put it on me, she really doesn't want to see him in jail.
    When I call her she is going to ask me what I am going to do.
    We have been through so much with her, she geniuely cares for my son and doesn't think he belongs in jail. She will also be the first one to say that he is a first rate charmer and watch out for him
     
  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    then if you get to give input, I would first talk with your son and see if he is willing to let you be in charge in your home. you can always turn him out if he does not comply. perhaps having the PO hanging over him will help him toe the line.

    I have to say ant has been very compliant. I am still "cautiously optimistic" and keep my guard up. I know I have zero tolerance.
     
  18. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am going to get the info on the halfway houses to have in my hand. I am going to sit my son down and go from there.
    I pray he is ready, yet I really feel like he has just realized that he has screwed up yet again and wants mom to "fix-it" so he won't go to jail.
    I do not want to enable him, I feel as you do and I have made that clear to him throughout this whole ordeal.
    I have always told him I will move a mountain for you if you are trying to do the right thing, but I will not help you go down the wrong road.
     
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I like how Ant's Mom put it.. no hand up unless they are reaching up. Think about it. Your son is hanging off a cliff. You extend a hand but he does nothing to help push himself up. What happens? A) You can't hold him and he slips out of your grasp and falls. So now it becomes your fault. B) He pulls you over the cliff with him. The only way your son is going to be saved is in a team effort where he puts forth a genuine effort. Is he doing that? ((((HUGS)))) -RM
     
  20. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I went through the same feelings as you. It tool me till son was 22 1/2 , which is now to not beleive expect, or do for him anymore. He always lands on his feet, and leaves me empty handed, holding the bag, owing money, and crying those tears.

    Think aobut what is best for you, and put your self first in whatever choice you make.
    Jen
     
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